Walls Can Be Breached
by Nightodie
Summary: Disclaimer: Bioware owns everything Mass Effect 1&2 and beyond and all the character therein. This is my idea of could have happen to my Shepard. This starts on the evening that she became a Spectre. Shenko. Have fun. Spoilers Warning it's Sappy!
1. Chapter 1

Bioware owns all!

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**Bad Dreams**

Kaidan felt the beginning of a migraine. Laying in his pod the noise in the ship seemed magnified. Maybe if he got up and walked around it would stave off the worst of the pain. It had been a long day, first Shepard was made a Spectre and then she was given the Normandy to be her ship. She moved from the pod across from him to the captain's cabin. Well he wouldn't be watching her sleep anymore. It had gotten to be a bad habit anyway.

Walking past the Commander's cabin he heard a yell from inside. "No! Stop it!" then he heard a cry of anguish. Rushing up to the door he listened further. "No, don't do that, you're killing them" As he got closer to the cabin, the door opened. Shepard had an open door policy and probably forgot to secure it for bedtime (what did she have to fear from her crew after all) and he was sure she probably had a weapon stowed near the bed. The cabin was empty with the exception of Shepard. There was a desk lamp on and he could see her in the bed, she was curled up under a sheet and she was whimpering. It looked like she had been reading through some data pads and had fallen asleep as the pads were now on the floor. Without thinking twice he entered the room.

"No! Stop!" Kaidan froze as she reached out with her hands, but her eyes were closed and it was obvious the threat was not in the room with her. He relaxed his stance and continued to the bed. There were tears running from her eyes and the look of pain on her face just chilled his heart. He would have to wake her, which was the only thing he could think of to do. He sat on the side of the bed. She whimpered again then yelled "No! Stop! Please!" Her anguish was becoming unbearable to Kaidan.

He touched her shoulder and said softly, "Commander?" Her face scrunched up and she let out a cry, but didn't wake. He tried again a bit louder, "Commander?" Still she didn't wake. "Shepard?" and he shook her shoulder, and she jumped up and threw her arms around him held him tight and buried her face into his shoulder, crying. He froze again arms wide afraid to move. His heart seemed to stop beating for a moment, she was so warm. The sheet wrapped around her torso half way up she had on what appeared to be a cotton tank top. She smelled wonderful. He couldn't help himself he put his arms around her to comfort her – her crying was breaking his heart. He rubbed her back, it was so soft. She held him tighter, clinging to his chest. This went on for a minute or two, and then he felt her stiffen. He loosened his arms so she could move and she quickly pulled back and looked at his face.

There was a look of shock on her tear stained face. "Oh, Lieutenant Alenko, I am so sorry." She looked around and realized where she was. "What are you doing in here?"

"Well Commander, I heard you yell as I was passing and I wanted to make sure you were alright, the door was open, you appeared to be dreaming and I couldn't wake you, so I came in and then you woke and…" he was rambling but he didn't want her to think he had done something untoward.

Shepard thought about what just occurred. "Dream, yes... no it was the vision from the beacon – but… it wasn't … it was so real. I was there and they were killing all the Protheans around me. It was like I knew them, like they were friends." As she put her face in her hands, and Kaidan saw her hands were shaking "I've never had a dream that was so… real."

She knew that the beacon on Eden Prime had put these visions in her head, she hadn't told Kaidan about them, but he was there when she told the council about them and he had asked her about them after that_. I didn't seem to have a problem with the visions before, what had changed_? _It was like I was there, and it was happening, now_, she thought giving a shiver.

Kaidan saw Shepard shiver, she didn't seem the type to give into petty emotions, this was real to her. "It was like I was a child watching everything I had come to know and love destroyed." She said shaking her head "it must have been a dream combined with the beacon data. I guess it just hit me wrong." When she lifted her head from her hand, Kaidan noticed she wasn't really speaking to him, it was like she was trying to explain it to herself. Then she looked at him "Lieutenant can I impose upon you further to get a container of hot water from the Mess, I'm not really dressed for walking around the ship and I think I need some tea, could you make sure there is enough for several cups, boiling please."

"Not a problem, Ma'am." Kaidan stood up and left to carry out the commander's request.

When Kaidan returned to the room the Commander had put out a silky blue robe that brought out the color of her eyes. She was at the table fiddling with some kind of small metal contraption that she then formed into a strainer of some kind. She opened a small metal container that appeared to have flakes of leaves with white small bits in it.

"You will join me, please" she motioned to a chair and looked in his eyes. "If you wouldn't mind that is. I need to talk this out and center myself and it will be easier with and audience then talking it out to myself. "He nodded at her watching as she put the tea leaves into the strainer and sealed it, then she put the strainer into the hot water and sealed the container and then covered it with a towel to keep it warm.

"Could you get two of the mugs off the shelf in that cabinet over there please?" and she pointed to the side of the cabin. Kaidan tried not to stare at the way the silk robe clung to her body and legs as she moved. Holding her in his arms had done nothing to weaken the feelings he had been having for her, if anything it had quite the opposite effect. Putting the mugs that he handed her on the table she motioned for him to take a seat.

"The capsules contain honey if you like your tea sweet, this is a coconut tea that I picked up last time I was on earth so it is a tiny bit sweet to start with. It has real pieces of coconut in it. This is one of the small luxuries I allow myself. Not too often though, wouldn't want to get spoiled."

"Honey, you have honey, from Earth?" Kaidan asked in shock. It was really a rare treat as the bee population on earth was still recovering from a downfall one hundred and sixty years ago and they were still protected. So far none of the hives that were transplanted to other planets had survived.

"Yes" she explained. "I have… well I had a friend, a mentor really, or he tried to be. It was a going away present when I chose the Alliance over his teachings. I don't ever hear from him…except, well every once in a while I receive a packet with the capsules in it. I haven't been without them since. But I guess that's a story for another time." She dismissed it as she poured tea into the mugs, took a capsule and dropped it into her mug. Kaidan mimicked her actions and dropped one in his cup, he hadn't had honey before and was curious. She sat down in a chair next to him, pulled her legs up under her and took the mug in both her hands bringing under her nose, she closed her eyes and breathed in deep taking the aroma of the tea into her body. Kaidan watched her face as some of the tension went out of it, but not all, her brows were still furrowed. Yes, as he looked at the mug he could see it was shaking which meant to him that her hands were still shaking.

He brought the tea to his lips and took a whiff, it smelled sweet and nutty. He sipped the tea lightly as it was still hot. He found it was not too sweet as the flavor spread through his mouth. He could feel the tension in his shoulder that he hadn't realized was there ease. She was right, the tea was relaxing. His headache seemed to be receding as well. He looked up at her and found himself staring into her beautiful blue eyes – it was obvious she was watching his reaction to the tea. "It's good, right?" She asked.

He couldn't free himself from those eyes "very Ma'am, very good" he said and she smiled at him. Wanting to help her he asked "do you want to tell me about the dream Ma'am?"

She took a sip of tea then a deep breath. "Yes the faster we talk this out the faster we can get back to bed. I don't want to keep you."

_Keep me_, he thought, he never wanted to leave. "Not a problem Ma'am, go ahead."

Shepard Thought back to the dream she had. It started off innocent enough, with people talking, laughing, that part must have been dream, maybe a memory of her own from a younger time. Maybe the memory made the connection to the beacon visions, she didn't know. Then they changed though, became what she thought were the Protheans, since it was a Prothean beacon it made sense. The realness of the dream, the feelings, then smell of blood. It was all there in the here and now.

Kaidan watched as she starred off into space trying to capture the moments of her dream. "It started with Protheans sitting around talking. There were just mundane things happening, gossiping, eating. Maybe it was a dinner or something, or scenes running together – I don't know. They were outside. Then I looked up and there was a dark ship, it seemed large like the one we saw leaving Eden Prime, and it was shooting at everyone. They were dying and I was standing there watching. The weapons were firing and the Protheans were dying around me. There was blood everywhere, running over everything. I don't know why I wasn't dying with them, but it was so real and broke my heart" and her voice cracked. "I started crying and screaming, then I heard my name and woke up – in your arms I might add." She looked at him with a confused look on her face but a twinkle in her eye.

He looked at her hands, yes she was calmer now, no longer were her hands shaking. "It wasn't me Ma'am, it was you. When I called to you, you jumped up and grabbed me. I didn't want to push you away as I wasn't really sure what you were going through at the time, so I tried to comfort you. It seemed the right thing to do. I wasn't sure you were even awake." He tried to change the subject "Never thought I would hear you cry, Ma'am"

"You would be right there, not like me at all really at least it hasn't been for a long time." She seemed to be thinking of something far off "but then it wasn't me, but it was. I don't know how to explain it." She seemed defeated. "It just seemed so real…" She stared off into space again and pulled her legs out from under her. The robe split open and her white legs were uncovered up to her mid thighs. He found himself staring at her legs now, but she didn't notice him staring and he caught himself and looked away just as she shook her head trying to get her bearings back.

"Well I guess we aren't going to be able to solve the mysteries of the beacon or my bizarre dream tonight. It was probably only a bad dream fueled to the extreme by the added information from the beacon and the stress of a very long day. I am so sorry to have disturbed you, Lieutenant, and I doubt there will be a repeat of this incident. I am not really prone to bad dreams. I do appreciate you coming to my rescue." And she paused trying to think of how to make the next request. "I would appreciate it if… If you didn't spread it around that I had needed to be rescued." she searched his eyes.

"Certainly not Commander, I would never…" she put up a hand to stop him.

"Yes, Lieutenant Alenko, I suspected as much," and just like that the Commander was back, "Dismissed"

Kaidan stood and put his empty mug on the table. When had he finished the tea? Had he been concentrating on her so much he didn't even realize what was going on around him? He turned to go.

"And Lieutenant… uh… Kaidan?" He felt his heart leap as she called his name. He turned around to face her looking into her blue eyes that were staring into his soul.

"Thank you." And she smiled at him. He realized at that moment, she had captured his heart and he was never going to get it back.

Shepard watched as he turned and walked out of the door. She thought back to waking up and finding strong arms around her. Now where the dream or vision had scared her (and it really had frightened her to the core) – those arms, they grounded her. She hugged herself; yes that was the best part of this horrible incident. _Shouldn't I be embarrassed, or upset to find him in my cabin_ She thought to herself. _He makes me feel like a schoolgirl again. That's what this is like, a childhood crush – ah well, I'll get over it._ She got up and washed the mugs, put everything away and climbed back into bed.


	2. Chapter 2

Bioware Owns All!

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**Survey**

Shepard was studying something on her omni-tool. "Okay Garrus, go 47 degrees to the north now."

"Shepard what are you looking for?" Garrus asked.

"Minerals, I pulled the old geo maps for this planet. This was one of the planets that only had two or three lodes of mineral that weren't big enough to set up mining facility for and I am going to find them… turn two more degrees north." she said after looking at the omni-tool again.

Kaidan was sitting next to Shepard in the back. This was their first trip in the Mako, which Garrus seems to have adopted as his personal pet. The reinforced webbing kept them in their seats.

He asked Shepard "why do you want to find minerals? I thought we were here to disable that beacon and leave. Then you find a Thresher Maw, and a mercenary camp. They're all dead now, I remind you. We could be back on board the Normandy but now you're looking for mineral deposits."

"The Thresher Maw was obvious. Smooth surface area with tunnels underneath, see? And she held her omni-tool out to him so he could see the map she was looking at. "As for the minerals, we need to survey the mineral to make money. I notice my promotion didn't come with a raise,"

"We could spend hours looking for a mineral deposit, Shepard. Is it really worth it?" Kaidan asked her.

"Well we won't need hours because of the map, and at first it will net us a small amount of credits, but as I survey more the value will go up once they realize my tags are valid. There Garrus two hundred feet further" Shepard said.

"Shepard there is a mountain range here." Garrus told her.

"Well go up it. You'll see we will make enough money to get upgrades, new guns and armor. A few side trips – two or three on planets that no one felt it worth wasting the resources to develop, and once they can count on my tags the price they pay for the rights will increase. It's a good deal... There it is "she said as Garrus pulled up to huge rock sticking out of the mountain. She got up to climb out of the mako.

"Shepard, don't forget your helmet." Kaidan said grabbing it and handing it up to her, but she didn't take it from him.

"I'm only going to run a survey. It should only take me five minutes. You can stay here" and she climbed out of the mako.

"Shit!" Kaidan said as he climbed up after her with her helmet "Garrus come on."

Kaidan climbed off the mako followed by Garrus who moved to the west to cover a flank position.

Shepard was standing in front of the rock running a survey on the minerals with her omni-tool. He turned towards her to give her helmet to her and he heard a beep from her omni-tool he looked at her and she said "done." As he was watching her something slammed into the back of her shield forcing her forward into the rock. He turned toward Garrus who was already attempting to find where the shot came from.

"Cover me I have to get her behind the mako." Kaidan told him. He dropped her helmet and ran to her.

"Got it" Garrus answered.

Kaidan got to Shepard. She was out cold, so he checked quickly to assess that she could be moved he gently grabbed her and trying not to jar her, he slid her under the cover of the mako. Checking to make sure nothing was broken first he then checked her neck, there were no fractures that his omni-tool could find, so he could move her. He turned her over into his arms. She had a gash across her head that was bleeding heavily. He used med gel on the cut to close it and scanned her skull. It looked like she has minor fracture, then she started to move.

"Shepard" he said to her "Shepard open your eyes." She slowly opened her eyes and looked up at him. He let out a sigh of relief.

"Hi" she said and smiled at him. He felt the knot in his stomach relax a little. She hadn't been out to long, so it probably wasn't too serious. She relaxed into his arms.

"Do you remember what happened to you?" Kaidan asked.

"Yeah, I got shot in the back. Why does my head hurt?

"You hit your head on the mineral outcropping you were surveying, it was harder then your head was. He said to her. "Next time Shepard, humor me and wear your helmet, please."

"You look worried am I alright? Did you get the bastard." She asked.

"Yes you're alright and No, I was too busy helping you." Kaidan answered.

"Garrus" she bellowed "did you get him?"

"No, Shepard I haven't found him yet." Garrus anserwd.

"Shit!" she said echoing Kaidan's sentiment from earlier. "Help me up Lieutenant" she told him.

"Ma'am you might have a concussion, we should get you back to the ship" he said.

She pulled on his shoulder trying to get out of his arms but he wasn't letting her go and she was having some difficulty.

"Lieutenant let me up now, don't make me have to make that an order" she told him.

"Ma'am, if you're not fit for duty, I will assume command"

She looked him in the eyes and said very slowly and very deliberately "are – you – very – sure – you – want – to – do – that?"

Kaidan looked into her eyes, she was getting angry he could tell "no Ma'am" and he stopped holding her down and helped her get up.

She then took out her sniper rifle but didn't ready it right away instead she went over to the rock and she looked at the spot of blood where her head hit. She bent down to mimic where she was before the incident, then while crouching she turned and readied her sniper rifle focused her sight on the area that where bullet trajectory indicated where her assailant was or had been. Kaidan watched as she looked through the scope and scanned the area. He saw a small smile develop on her lips as she found her target. She took a deep breath and held it. She took the shot.

"I got him." She said triumphantly.

"Can we go back to the ship now please Commander" Kaidan asked, as he watched her, he saw Garrus pick up her helmet.

"I have two more mineral sights to be checked" She told him.

"They can wait. It all can wait until tomorrow. I need to get you to med bay." He told her

"You still look worried I thought you said I was okay?"

"Shepard, please let me get you back to the ship." He pleaded, because he noticed her pupils were becoming dialated and it was almost certain she had a concussion.

"Okay, I am feeling a bit light headed anyway."

She started to climb back up into the mako and when she was halfway up lost her footing and fell. Kaidan was ready for it and caught her in his arms.

She smiled and looked into his eyes "this is the third time you had me in your arms Alenko, this is getting to be a habit." Then she passed out.

* * *

_My head hurts_ she thought. She tried to remember what had happened, but she could only think of brown eyes. That didn't help. She opened her eyes.

"Well hello Shepard, how are you feeling?" Dr. Chakwas asked her.

"Headache, and I can't seem to remember what happened. That means I have a concussion right?"

"Yes a minor one. Basically you hit your head on a rock. You should start to feel better soon, you're going to have to rest for a few days."

Shepard rubbed her head "yeah Doc, I know the drill." She tried to sit up but the nausea hit her so she laid back down.

Kaidan came walking into the med bay and walked over to her bed. He bent over slightly to look in her eyes and said, "you don't have to worry, Garrus and I went back to the planet with Tali and surveyed the other two mineral deposits. How are you feeling?"

"Brown eyes" she said and closed her eyes, "I keep seeing brown eyes." She fell asleep.

Kaidan looked at Dr. Chakwas with concern on his face.

The doctor smiled at him "she will be fine she just needs to rest, as you know time is the best friend of a concussion." Kaidan nodded his head.

"Could you let me know if she wakes up doc, I'd like to be here?"

"Certainly Kaidan, I can do that, now let her rest. You get cleaned up." And she shooed him out of the med bay.


	3. Chapter 3

Bioware Owns All!

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**Planetfall**

Kaidan fell backwards and the Commander fell on top of him as they tried to get out of the way of gunfire. He found himself staring into her blue eyes as she looked up in his face

"Damn! Now I will have to kill them." She said as she squirmed to get up.

They were trying to negotiate surrender from a group of rebels that had taken over this colony's munitions depot. The male leader that they were talking to was crazed or on drugs or something and wasn't having any of what the Commander was saying. There were many times before when she was able with her charm, wit and intelligence talk down many subjects in bad situations. It didn't look like it was going to work this time. She didn't really like to kill anyone (at least who didn't deserve it) if she could avoid it. Several times her solutions didn't seem like a good choice to the other team members – but in the end usually they saw her reasons. The Normandy just happened to be in the area so the Alliance wanted her to try to mend the situation. Kaidan helped her up off him as he jumped to his feet and they took cover.

The Commander took out her sniper rifle and took aim. Shots and yells flying around them – Kaidan used throw on a male that was barreling down on them.

"Maybe if I take out the Leader the others will give up" she said, perhaps to him or maybe to herself.

Garrus was across from them taking cover behind some crates. Kaidan saw Garrus shoot the leg of a female that was aiming at the commander and watched as she went down, her gun flying out or her reach. The Commander held her breath and pulled the trigger. Down went the leader from a head shot.

"Is there anyone that wants to talk to me about ending this in a peaceful manner, I mean before we have to kill you all?" she yelled.

It got quiet.

The female that Garrus had shot was whimpering.

"What are your terms?" a male voice came from inside the depot.

"Drop you weapons, come out and no one else has to die. Keep your weapons, don't come out and we will be forced to kill you all. It's your choice. "She said in her most reasonable voice.

Kaidan could hear arguing inside – then silence – he put up his barrier in anticipation of the next shot, but none came. The bay doors opened and five men and three women came out the doors.

"There's one missing" Shephard said as she motioned to Garrus that they were one short.

"Just keep walking forward" she called to the subjects walking out of the doors.

Kaidan did the math - eight coming out the door – dead leader was nine – shot female ten and the throw victim eleven. The commander was right – there had been a dozen when they got here, one was missing.

He scanned through the open doors looking for any movement knowing that she was doing the same thing. He was sure she wanted to bring her gun up to her eyes and use the sight, but she didn't want to panic the rebels that had given up so she didn't do it. He looked at her as she searched, he hadn't notice any movement – but then he caught the little smile in the corner of her mouth – she had him – he followed her eyes and found the young man crouched behind a crate in the south side of the warehouse. He was taking aim at the Commander. He watched the male as he looked into the Commanders eyes. He glanced at Shepard; she was glaring at the male. He looked back at the rebel he watched as the man slowly stood, put his weapon on the ground and walk out of the depot. She didn't even have to aim her rifle.

"You saved a lot of lives here today Commander Shepard" the governor was simpering at her.

She was saying something gracious back. That was Shepard, comfortable in any situation. The alliance ship that came to pick up the rebels had arrived and they were being loaded by some marines.

Since no one was paying attention to Kaidan he let his mind wonder. He was back at the depot and she was on top of him. He could feel her body on his and wished there hadn't been two layers of armor between them. She was moving around and he could feel her legs on his. He could feel her hands on his chest. He could smell her—

"Alenko!"

He snapped back to the present "Yes Ma'am."

"You ready to go?" she asked.

"On your orders" he said.

"Move out!" and she took him aside and said to him in a low voice "I get bored with the bureaucracy also"

"Uh, sorry Ma'am. I didn't mean to… "

"Quite alright" she waved him off. "It's hard to deal with that after the adrenaline from the confrontation. It takes a lot of practice believe me. Don't worry I understand completely."

He followed behind her as she headed towards the Normandy. Garrus had already gone on ahead packing the mako back into the hold. Kaidan looked down and was watching her backside as she walked. He loved the way her armor conformed to the folds of her body – he wished – no he better not go there again. He looked up at the back of her helmet and got back to the ship without further incident.

As he stowed his gear he was thinking that these thoughts were coming to him more often. He would be sitting in the mako, next to her and want to reach out and touch her face. They would be talking about daily logs and he would picture her dropping them and kissing him. And the dreams – he wasn't even going to think about what his dreams have been lately.

He got out of the elevator and went around to the mess area grabbing a cup of coffee from the dispenser and a couple of sandwiches out of the container that was kept in the cold box by the mess to compensate for different eating times. He was thinking that actually the coffee wasn't as bad now as it used to be. The Commander had done a favor for someone on the citadel in one of the stores and they got real Coffee shipped to them from Earth. He turned towards the tables and there was the Commander having a bowl of soup. Lunch was over and the mess was empty, she looked up and waved him over.

Sitting across from her he took a mouth full of coffee then swallowed. "Again Ma'am I just wanted to apologize…"

"Alenko, again no need. You know I don't need one hundred percent of your attention 100 percent of the time. They weren't talking to you, they were talking to me. No harm, no foul. On a different note, I was wondering, how have your headaches been?"

"Headaches?" Kaidan had to think "Haven't had a bad one in a while, come to think of it. Hopefully saying that won't bring one on."

"Nope, can't happen, I won't let it." She said, awarding him one of her rare little smiles that went straight to his heart.

"Permission to speak freely Commander?" Kaidan requested.

"Certainly, I have an open door policy, and I think you have earned that right after your assistance the other day." She said with one of her micro smiles.

"Really, Ma'am, it was not a problem, glad I could help. You think we would be getting more support from the Council. I mean here we have a Spectre who has attacked a colony and tried to destroy it completely. I mean really do they have their heads up their collective asses?"

"Tell me how you really feel Alenko." She asserted.

"Sorry Ma'am, protocol wasn't really an issue at Brain Camp – uh, Biotic Acclimation and Temperance, or BAaT, but to us kids it was just Brain Camp."

"Tell me about it." She requested, and he did, told her it all. He told her about coming home from school one day then being whisked off to Jump Zero. Told her about the way he had been affected by element zero or eezo in the womb. He told old her about Rahna. He also managed to slip in that he thought she was beautiful by comparing her to Rahna. She listened, intently he thought, asking questions here and there. She really seemed interested in his life. He was flattered.

Shepard was staring into her Lieutenant's eyes. She was taking in all he was saying, making memories of his life. He told her about a young girl that he must have loved. She enjoyed watching the feelings go through his face as he relived each memory. He even managed to tell her she was beautiful. She thought _why does this man touch my heart so? How has he broken through the wall I keep around myself? Why did I let him in?_

He finished his tale. "Enough about me, this was supposed to be an informal debrief, not my life story." He went back to drinking his coffee.

Shepard thought about what he had just told her. She wanted to know more, but he was right, now was not the time. She didn't want him to think she wasn't interested though, because she was, she realized. She was very interested in Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko.

"But I was interested, and she gave him a big smile that threatened to melt his heart. He went to get up then he thought of the conversations they just had.

"Ma'am do you get up close and personal with all you crew?" he asked her.

She thought about it for a minute. "No not this personal, no I don't usually" she said. "We'll talk later Kaidan."

"Um, I'll have to process that Ma'am but … Yeah, I'd like that"


	4. Chapter 4

Okay just a short little scene, but I needed it. Thanks everyone for reading, and have fun.

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**So That's What Friends Are For**

Shepard was still sitting in the Mess awhile later glancing through reports. She found that she had more contact with the crew if she read the reports in the Mess. Before serving on the Normandy she would spend hours on end in her office. Ashley Williams came up from the lower level. Shepard actually liked to talk to Ashley and made an effort to check with her at least once a day.

Ashley had a bit of a problem with the non human crew at first, but they were able to talk about it and it seemed they were growing on her. They would chat about guns, the crew and the missions. They have been developing a nice little friendship. Shepard liked having someone to sound off ideas to, and Ashley had some good ideas. They had started to get into some personal stuff, but mostly on Ashley's side, as Shepard still had trouble talking about personal things. She had not really had a close friend since she joined the Alliance finding it easier to keep command separate from her personal life. Not that she had a personal life. That had seemed to change since she came aboard the Normandy. This crew seemed to make her want to know them better. She suspected the Lieutenant had the most to do with her change in habit.

"Hey Skipper, how's it going?" Ashley plopped down in the chair next to Shepard.

"Not bad, let's see… one death, two injuries gunshot to the leg and a concussion courtesy of Alenkos biotics and the depot secured. All in a day's work I'd say."

"And a little flirting there with the LT right?"

"No, where do you get these things, Ash?" Shepard looked around to make sure no one else could hear their conversation. Thankfully, there was no one else around.

"Hey, come on Skipper, we're both girls, I see how you watch him when you think no one else is looking. I see how you go out of your way to make him blush. When you heard my sister say he was cute, you asked me if I had any intentions. As if he had eyes for anyone else. It is kind of obvious if you pay attention really."

"How obvious is it?" Shepard asked her with a stiff back and a nervous look in her eyes.

"Well to be fair I was looking for it, so maybe not so obvious." Ashley reassured her and watched as Shepard visibly relaxed.

"Okay so I like to look at nice things, doesn't mean there are any intentions there. Besides you know the regs as well as I do. Even if there were intentions, I can't act on them and you know it. 'Breach of Protocol" and all that"

"Oh Skipper, nobody cares about those stupid regs anyway, they're outdated." Ashely said.

"I care." She said quietly "And there in is where the problem lies."

"Oh, I am sorry Skipper, I didn't realize."

Shepard felt the need to talk this out with someone. "I have never had anyone get under my skin the way that Lieutenant Alenko does. He brings out feelings in me I didn't even know I had. Feelings that I thought had long ago stagnated. At first I thought it was just a schoolgirl crush kind of thing, you know, intense feelings but the reality is disappointing. So far no I can't find anything to disappoint. I try to tell myself that it's just a phase, but it's more than that, much more. Yet all I can do is take my feelings, hopes and dreams and shove them back down inside myself."

"You know that isn't really healthy, right Skipper." Ashley asked.

"Yes I know. I have been going over and over things in my head, but it all comes out the same. My being his superior officer creates an additional problem; I could be brought up on harassment charges. No good can come of this. I have got to stop it."

"You're wrong Skipper! Love can come out of this, and love is the greatest thing in the world. Very healthy too, a great stress reliever"

"Love, who said anything about love. This is just childish attraction, not love"

"Give it a chance, Skipper. You'll see that I was right. It will all turn out fine in the end." Ashley gave Shepard a hug and Shepard hugged her back realizing that she needed it.

Then Ashley stood up to leave "If you want to talk some more Skipper, I am here for you."

"Thanks Chief, I may just take you up on that, if you mean that and will keep it to yourself."

"Commander, you secrets are safe with me."


	5. Chapter 5

**Gym Buddy**

Shepard woke up with a start. She actually had been having a nice dream for a change, one where her Lieutenant was doing some interesting things to her body. She looked at the time and noticed that the alarm was about to go off anyway. Well she usually got up right before the alarm went off, so it wasn't the dream that woke her but her stupid internal clock. She stretched and thought what a shame too, it was a really fun dream. Oh well, time to get up and get to the gym.

* * *

Kaidan awoke early in the morning, no one else up that wasn't on duty. They had run into some mercenaries on the last planet. The mercs had taken some shots at the mako first – Shepard had Garrus drive it up a hill overlooking the Merc's position She told them she wanted to have some _fun. _She requested that he and Garrus not to shot at the mercs, but to shot over the their heads to distract them, she slowly took aim and took them down. The look of satisfaction on her face when he had advised negative contacts was priceless; she really does love that sniper rifle.

Kaidan had been thinking about the conversation he had with her over and over. She really did seem interested in him if he got his signals right. Not that it mattered with the regulations in place, but he liked the idea. They had been running from planet to planet trying to clear up things for the Alliance lately so they didn't have too much time for hunting Saren. First they tell them to rush and find the former Spectre, and then they have them running around clearing up problems that most of the time the Alliance had created. It was getting to her he knew, but she was a Marine so she did as she was told.

She had gotten new weapons for Garras, Kaidan and herself, her preferred squad. A reward for all the endless survey side trips she insists on taking anytime they enter a system or go planet side. They were Spectre grade weapons and the specs were really good. When she gave Kaidan the pistol she said he now had to get proficient in it if it killed him or she would. He knew she wasn't serious, well he hoped she wasn't serious. He practiced every chance he got and he was improving, although not as fast as she would have liked he suspected.

He hadn't talked to her much lately except about the missions because Ashley seemed to be around all the time when he would run into her. He went over the last conversation they had to see if it was something he had said. He could find nothing in the conversation itself, and had thought it had ended on a rather hopeful note. Maybe she had changed her mind about him. Kaidan didn't know what to think, but he did know he missed that smile of hers.

Well laying it this pod pondering the problems of life was not going to get him back to sleep so he might as well get up and do something productive. The headache he had last night was a distant memory. He got up and put on s t-shirt and sweatpants, might as well get his workout done, who knows what the day has planned for them. He suspected that the Commander wanted to go to Artimus Tau and talk to Benisia's Daughter. It had been put off for too long and he agreed with the Commander that they needed to be more active in their pursuit of Saren.

* * *

Taking a towel from the cabinet outside the gym he entered the doorway: there in front of him was the Commander's ass. Well, that is, she was bent over stretching and her ass was facing the door and him. She must not have heard the door. She had on loose gym shorts and a tee shirt, but still the view was incredible. He smiled to himself as she stood up and then bent down again. He could watch this all day. Then he stepped forward and the door closed, she wheeled around faster then he would have thought a person could move – taking a marked defensive posture. She relaxed when she saw it was him.

"Good Morning Lieutenant, couldn't sleep? Not another headache I hope." she said as she continued stretching this time sideways, while the view was still okay, it wasn't as _stimulating_.

"No, my headache is gone and yes I couldn't get back to sleep. How are you, are you having trouble sleeping? Are you having bad dreams again?" he asked.

"No actually I always get up this early. It means that I have a relatively empty gym and don't have to wait for the equipment." She felt her cheeks flush as his remark made her think about the dream she had been having.

He wondered why she was blushing. It looked really good on her, he thought _she should blush more often_. "Well do you mind if I join you Ma'am?"

"No, I don't mind if you do." She said as she got on one of the treadmills facing him. He did his stretches and felt her eyes on him. She wasn't obvious about it but he could tell she was watching. But then, what else was there to look at in the room anyway?

Shepard watched Kaidan doing his warm up. She loved the way his muscles moved under his shirt. She wanted to just reach under his shirt and run her hands up and down his chest. She remembered how it felt to have his strong arms around her when she woke up in his arms that day. Yes she could get used to that. _Well, so much for stopping whatever this 'thing' was_. She had tried to avoid him except when on missions. She spent a lot of time with Ashley so that she wasn't alone as much. So here he comes to the gym and she can't even stop the thoughts from coming. She knew in her heart that she really didn't want to.

Kaidan finished his warm up and walked over to the weights, he had to keep lifting if he wanted to keep toned.

"I had Joker head to Artimus Tau last night" she told him. "We should be there by 0900 hours ship time." If she stuck to business maybe she would be better off.

"I was just thinking that you would want to head there next. This has been put off long enough. We have to find Saren." His voice sounded strained as he worked the weights. "It's the only way to find the Reapers and stop them."

"Yes, well, first things first, we need more information." She had finished her run and had moved to the tilt board and started on sit ups, still having no problem with conversing and breathing while doing the sit ups.

"Hopefully this Dr. T'soni will have some idea what her mother is doing and what we can do to stop her and Saren." She said.

"Right" he agreed. They continued their individual workouts. He started thinking that here he was exercising with the Commander. It seemed normal and very comfortable, relaxing even. He thought it was time he asked her some questions about herself, but wasn't sure how to start. What did he want to know most? Was there anyone else in the picture? Did he have a chance? What was he thinking; she was his Commander. Now she was onto the leg weights and he was too so they were next to each other as they each adjusted the machines to match the optimum weight for their body sizes.

He looked at her and said "so Commander did you have any special schooling?"

"Special Ops for my N7, but you knew that. You mean when I was young, no, not really. I was schooled on the ships and bases. Dad realized I was a little more interested in the physical side of things and got me some weapons training. I do love my guns after all. My mom is an XO, and she was always on a ship when I was growing up. Dad's also navy so … well you get the idea. I was really good at getting into trouble and talking my way out of it. That's it I guess, nothing special of course until, well until you become special just doing your job. Yeah, that seems to happen to me a lot."

"Just doing your job, you're a war hero, that isn't just doing your job. You went above and beyond. Not everyone does that. If I remember right, you weren't even on duty, you were on leave"

"A soldier is always on duty you know that. As for going above and beyond you do it too, so does Garrus and everyone else on this ship, everyday."

"Yeah but we do that for you, and for the mission."

"Yes well I appreciate that, and I did it for the colony that needed me at the time. It's the way it should be."

"I don't think single handedly holding off an attack by an enemy is something that I would want to have to do, and you did it. It's amazing."

"It was necessary, not amazing. Running into a breach alone with only you and your weapon, suicidal would be a better word for it. Besides, you would have done the same; the only thing that is odd is that I wasn't killed, and I should have been. That's just dumb luck really" she shrugged. "You've seen me fight, I'm not really the sit back and wait type."

"Except when you're aiming that sniper rifle, you usually wait for the perfect shot."

"Yes, I do love a good snipe" and she smiled to herself. "That new rifle is sweet. I can't wait to give it a good tryout."

"Shooting six mercs in the head, at quite a distance I might add, not enough of a workout for you?" he laughed.

"Yeah, I should have thanked you and Garrus for that. It was a piece of cake, they weren't even shooting at me. Well I am sure that we will get to work out all the kinks in the new guns. There are a lot of battles ahead."

"That is certainly is true." They continued working out in silence keeping each other company.

Having continued through all the machines they each finished their workouts. The time just flew by in her company Kaidan thought. Easiest and most enjoyable workout he had ever had.

"Well off to the Shower for me" she said.

Deciding to take a chance he said "Same time tomorrow?"

Shepard turned and looked at him, staring into his beautiful brown eyes. She thought about it. She had been trying to stay away from him and this meant spending more time with him. The thought of that made her feel good. It would mean that maybe he would become a friend, closer then anyone else has been. It would probably lead to more she knew, even though it had never happen to her before, she knew that she was developing feelings for him, she couldn't deny it anymore, especially to herself. She knew she should stop this, she knew it was a bad idea. She knew she should say no, but she wanted this.

Kaidan watched the Commander. She seemed to be in deep thought. She was quiet for so long it made him want to squirm. What he wouldn't give to know what was going through her mind. Then she seemed to make a decision and she smiled at him. "Yes, I'd like that."


	6. Chapter 6

This is another chapter that was written to get to another place. I only used dialog that I needed to add thoughts or actions or where the dialog changed a bit from the game. Hope your enjoying the ride. As always, Bioware owns all.

* * *

**Liara**

They were on Artimus Tau running into the exit tunnel with falling rocks all around them, they were running for their lives. Kaidan was the first one out of the mine entrance and he turned around to watch and make sure the Commander got out. She was bringing up the rear of course making sure that everyone else got out safe. Garrus ran through the door with Dr Liara T'soni right behind him. _Where is she _he asked himself? If it hadn't been for the geth and that damn krogen holding them up they could have been gone already, fighting them had cost precious time and almost caught them in a cave in. Seeing her come through the door and knowing she was safe on this side of the entrance made him visibly relax. Joker had picked up the mako earlier and had the Normandy there waiting to pick them up.

"Hey you guys anytime now, I don't think the Normandy needs a hot mineral bath today." Kaidan heard Joker say over the comm.

"Two minutes out" Shepard responded.

"Yeah, hey you just take your time" Joker answered her sarcastically.

"Hey Joker, I'll bet you didn't know that I am quite a good pilot myself. I did grow up on space ships you know. I mean if you'd like to stay here and admire the sights that would be okay with me" she shot back at him as they entered the airlock.

Jokers silence only meant he couldn't think of a good retort.

After they went through debrief, Kaidan saw Shepard going up to the bridge to have a word with Joker. He thought he heard Joker say something about getting a gold metal for saving them, that guy never knew when to stop! Joker could make the Commander laugh, and she really did enjoy his humor, so he was pretty sure that she wouldn't throw Joker out of an airlock, well at least he hoped she wouldn't.

A while later while he was sitting and having some coffee and a sandwiches he saw the Commander walk by heading to the med bay. She was probably going to check on the asari doctor who had seemed a little worn after her ordeal. Since she had been trapped in the security field she hadn't been able to eat or drink for a while and was a bit weak so Shepard had her report to the doctor.

Dr. T'soni was over 100 years old, young for an asari, she also acted very young to his eye. She had been studying the Protheans for over 50 years now and had never heard of the Reapers. Her knowledge of the Protheans should come in handy. He noticed the way she looked at the Commander and it seemed to him that her look conveyed a little more then appreciation at being rescued. It could be just a simple curiosity at the fact that Shepard had been touched by the beacon, but something about the look bothered Kaidan. Asari were mono-gendered and mated with both males and females, and truth be told they were very sensuous creatures. He didn't have a problem with that as long as she didn't go after _his_ Commander. He finished his meal and went to the bridge to chat with Joker.

* * *

Shepard entered the med bay and asked Dr, Chakwas the status on their newest crew member. The doctor told her that the patient was a little dehydrated, but was doing fine after a full meal and was in the medical storage area behind the med bay.

When Shepard entered the room Dr. T'soni stood to face her . Shepard inquired to her health. The doctor advised she was fine and asked the Commander to call her Liara. Shepard had her sit down so they could talk.

Shepard asked Liara all the questions that she could think of about Protheans and the beacon to see if she could provide any enlightenment. Shepard had to figure out what was so important to Saren about this data that he would destroy a colony to keep it secret.

Liara was watching the Commander talk about the beacon. She was answering her questions to the best of her ability, but she was only paying it half her attention. Liara was too busy studying her face and her eyes. She was trying to learn every scar, every nuance of that face, because there was something about this woman that really intrigued her.

When Shepard had exhausted the topic Liara said to her "I never properly thanked you for saving me from the geth, Commander. If you hadn't shown up… I…"

"Hey, I am just glad we got there in time" Shepard told her while thinking _we could have been there sooner if the Alliance and the council didn't keep using us as there personal enforcers. A few minutes later and we could have lost you._

"So am I. I know you took a chance bringing me aboard this ship. I have seen the way your crew looks at me. They do not trust me. But I am not like Benezia. I will do whatever I can to help you stop Saren. I promise." Liara told her.

Shepard thought that her comment probably stemmed from something that Ash said at the debrief, so she reassured the doctor "don't worry Liara, I trust you. I know you won't let me down."

"It means a lot to hear you say that, Commander. Thank you." Liara said, pleased.

Shepard asked Liara about her mother and what she felt her mother's motives could be trying to get some sense of why she would have joined Saren. Liara didn't have anymore insight for her.

The Commander noticed that Liara kept staring at her. It became so obvious that she finally asked Liara if there was something on her face.

"It's just that the Protheans were these wondrous mysterious figures. I want to know everything about them. That is why I find you so fascinating. You were marked by the beacon on Eden Prime, you were actually touched by working Prothean technology. It's just amazing."

"It sounds like you want to dissect me in a lab somewhere" Shepard joked.

Liara got upset "what? No! I did not mean to insinuate… Ah, I never meant to offend you, Shepard. I only meant that you would be an interesting specimen for an in depth study." Okay well she was thinking she wanted to study Shepard, and not in a lab, but she hadn't meant to say that. "No… that's even worse" she couldn't recover her composure.

"Calm down Liara I was only kidding"

Relieved that Shepard didn't take her comments wrong she asked her to forget the outburst.

"Alright, I should go now, but we will talk again. I need you to help me understand the images that got burned into my mind by that beacon." Shepard advised her.

"Maybe we could talk again, tomorrow?" Liara asked, as she thought about what an interesting woman the Commander is and how exciting it would be to spend more time with her. She has the most amazing mind.

"If nothing else comes up, we will do that then" Shepard told her then turned and left.

Liara looked forward to tomorrow.

* * *

Several days later Shepard was sitting in the mess having her morning oatmeal watching the crew come and go. She had her morning workout with Kaidan but most of the time today was in silent company as she had so much on her mind. She felt the quiet time that they spent together was more telling of her feelings . She just wanted to spend time in his company. They had spent the days in the gym talking about missions and going over tactics or hashing out intelligence that they received. She had tried to keep their contact on a professional level but realized that her feelings for him were getting stronger. She really had never been in this situation before. There had been others who tried to get close to her, but she had never seen any potential in any of them and had kept them all at arms distance. The wall between her and them ever fortified. What was it about Kaidan Alenko that breached that wall, she couldn't fathom, but he had. Lately he had begun to flirt with her, and she couldn't help herself, she would reciprocate. This was getting a little too serious for her. She would have to do something to curb this for now before it interfered with the mission.

Ashley had come over and sat down next to Shepard with her breakfast. They had been talking regularly and were becoming very good friends. She used Ashley as her sounding board and had also started sharing her personal outlook on things. She was also the only one she could talk about when it came to her feeling about Kaidan, which weren't easily shared. Ashley was good at keeping things to herself and had not betrayed Shepard confidence.

She found that she depended on Ashley's input when it came to the crew, since she spent more time around them then Kaidan did (since he kept to himself) she had much more insight to the crews ups and downs. The fact that she could drink any of the marines under the table didn't hurt her reputation. She would pick up on things that Shepard would miss in the five minute conversations she would have with any given crew member on any given day. Ash helped her keep in better contact with the crew.

"Anything new I need to know about Ash?" Shepard asked.

"Jarrason got a Dear John, you might want to go easy on him for any reports he might hand in for a few days, he isn't taking it too well. If you could just forward them to me to check them first that would save time. Smith's wife is pregnant with their first from his last shore leave. I think that's about it"

"Well, life goes on. I'll keep Jarrason in mind. Ash can I ask you to do something for me… ah, never mind" Shepard had looked up and noticed Liara approaching them with a plate of food.

"Shepard, Chief Williams, may I join you?" she asked.

"Certainly Liara, have a seat" Shepard answered as Ashley nodded her head.

"I was thinking about the Eden Prime beacon, and I was wondering if there was anything odd about it that you noticed. They are usually dormant."

"It wasn't doing anything when I first saw it" Ashley said. "But it was different when I saw it at the spaceport. It glowed and seemed to have light and energy radiating out from it. I went to tell the Commander about it and L T went to check it out."

"Then I noticed Kaidan, I mean Lieutenant Alenko, being pulled towards it so I ran up to get him out of harms way "_and that was the start of all my personal problems _she thought to herself. "Then I found myself caught in some kind of field, which I didn't have anymore luck escaping then he had. The next thing I know I am being bombarded with scenes of synthetics, organics blood and slaughter. Then I woke up in med bay. We suspect that Saren had accessed the beacon after it was moved and for some reason it didn't deactivate, and as you pointed out it was damaged."

"I suspect that the beacon is a recording device of some type. They seem to transmit messages right into the Prothean minds, possibly recording information the same way." Liara explained.

"That would explain why some of the images I see are look like full scenes and some of it seems to be out of context, like I am only seeing part of an image. It's like there is extra information that I didn't get."

"Well, yes Shepard, your mind doesn't think like a Prothean mind so that makes sense." She looked in the Commanders eyes trying to see if Shepard was really _seeing_ her.

Shepard held her eyes "Well maybe we could try to analyze this in pieces, a little bit each day. You know spend time on each section of data and maybe we can figure out the whole. Could you help me with that LIara?"

"Yes!" Liara said enthusiastically "I think that would be a great idea Shepard."

"We may not be able to get any deeper into the mystery Liara" Shepard told her mistaking her enthusiasm for Shepard as an enthusiasm for the knowledge. Just then Kaidan had left his workstation and headed towards the front of the ship walking by the mess and Shepard broke eye contact with Liara to watch him walk by.

Liara watched Shepard watching the Lieutenant walk by. She noticed the very corners of the Commander's lips move up, not quite in a smile, but definitely a pleased expression. _What is she thinking about_ she wondered, _she couldn't have feelings for him. _The incident didn't make her feel secure.

Shepard returned her gaze to Liara "so if we aren't busy later I will stop by and we will see what we can get done today, that is if it is alright with you"

"Oh yes, Shepard, that would be fine."

Ashley and the Commander got up to leave. Shepard followed Ashley to the elevator, making sure no one was around them especially Kaidan.

"Hey Ash, I need to ask you to do me a big favor. I need you to join me and Kaidan in the gym in the mornings." Shepard asked.

"But, why Skipper, that's you 'Lieutenant' time" Ashley smiled at her.

"Yes well I have been thinking that I need to curb my 'Lieutenant' time. This is just not fair to him or to me and it's frustrating for both of us. With you there then we can stay in safe territory. Can you do this Ash, for me?" The elevator door opened.

"Well sure I can, I have to do my workout anyway, might be nice to have some company for a change. Have you talked to the L T about it, I don't think he is going to be happy about this." Ashley got into the elevator.

"No, I haven't. Thanks for doing this."

"No problem, Skipper." And the elevator door closed.


	7. Chapter 7

Okay the next chapter is my favorite, so you just have to get past this one. I think it will be worth it. As always Bioware owns all. I have to give a special thanks to Kainsdaughter (Kioux on KAST) for all her help, if it wasn't for her, you wouldn't be reading any of this (of course if you hate it blame me completely).

* * *

**Sometimes I Wish I Was Two People**

A few days later after spending a few hours with Liara, Shepard went to the CIC. They were on the way to a colony that was close to the traverse but still in Citadel space, to deliver medical supplies. The colonists were facing some kind of flu outbreak and the Normandy had just happened to be in the area after eliminating some geth.

Rubbing her head she said in her comm. "Joker, what's the ETA to …" Now what was that colony's name, that's odd, she just couldn't remember.

"Diamond's Landing, ETA six hours Commander." Joker supplied.

"Thanks Joker" that was really strange, she had an excellent memory, why had she forgotten that, and why did she have a headache. She never got headaches.

She went over to Pressley to check in and they made sure they were on the same page. He advised everything was ship shape with no real problems.

She then went down to check in engineering with Tali and Adams. Adams told her the engines were running better because he and Tali had come up with a tweak that made the engine .00182 more efficient. She didn't think that was much, but it made them both happy so she congratulated them.

She spent some extra time talking to Tali, who had also become another good friend. Funny, she never knew what she was missing by not developing friends before. They talked about the flotilla Shepard asked Tali about her idea of what type of gift item she would like to bring back there at the end of her pilgrimage. It was an interesting conversation.

From there she checked in on Wrex. He just liked to stand around and watch what was going on in the ship. He had told her some interesting stories about some of the mercenary missions he had been on.

She checked on Garrus and they had a debate about when it was wrong to kill someone. She expressed her views, he expressed his. In the end they might just be at a stalemate, it was still too early to tell.

She got Ashley and they went upstairs to lunch where Kaidan and Garrus joined them. They had a pleasant discussion about which upgrades to add to your armor to make it more efficient. Shepard was hoping to be able to get upgrades for everyone's armor and maybe even stronger armor for Tali if they could find it, since Quarian armor was kind of rare.

She then stopped in to talk to Dr. Chakwas to check on the status of the medical supplies and their delivery to the colony. She decided to mention her mental slip this morning as it was so odd, she thought that maybe she was coming down with something.

"Hey Dr. Chakwas something strange happen to before, I was talking to Joker and I couldn't remember the name of the colony we were going to. That is not normal for me, because as you know I have a good memory"

"Commander, people forget things all the time, it isn't usually indicative of something wrong, maybe you're just under stress."

"I don't feel under stress. I feel fine, maybe spread a little thin at times having to add that few hours to go over the beacon data every day – Liara is trying to help me decipher the information – well that is wearing me down a bit. She says I have some kind of natural block… I don't know. Shepard rubbed her head.

"That could be what is causing the stress Commander, maybe you should cut down and not push yourself so hard." The doctor recommended.

"Would shorter sessions help, I mean we do need to figure this out"

"Well I don't know, perhaps"

"Well then I need to speak to Liara. What's the status on the medication transfer?"

"I'm ready Commander, we will probably need to help distribute the medication, so we will be there for a while. If that is okay – I would like Kaidan to help me."

"Sure, that should be fine. What are the chances of our people coming down with this flu thing?"

"Well everyone on the Normandy is up to date on their vaccines, I check the alien records and only Tali would be susceptible so I recommended to her that she stay on board, she is okay with that. Decontamination should take care of the rest." Chakwas advised.

"Well that's good news. Keep me in the loop okay. See you later." She said as she walked to the medical storage room to talk with Liara."

Liara was sifting through some data, but she was thinking of Shepard. She thought she had been picking up signs that Shepard was becoming interested in her. _She looks in my eyes when she talks to me and she really listens. She smiles at me, and I notice she doesn't smile much._ She thought trying to find a little snippet that would convince her that the Commander felt about her the same way as she felt about Shepard. She was really happy to see the Commander come into the room.

"Commander, hello, what can I do for you?" she asked.

"Well Liara I had a little memory slip this morning and Dr. Chakwas thinks I might be pushing myself too hard to get this beacon information to make sense. She thinks maybe if we cut down the time we work on it that might be better." Shepard explained.

"Cut down our time together, why would you want to do that, don't you want to spend time with me?" Liara said in a panic.

"Liara, what is going on here, you know I am just trying to interpret the data of the beacon, why are you so upset?"

"Well" Liara said nervously "I like spending time with you, I have feelings for you and I thought... well, that maybe you had feelings for me."

"I like you Liara, but…"

Liara didn't let Shepard finish "I did hear some talk from the others that you might like Lieutenant Alenko too."

"Liara, you're a good friend, and I like you as a friend, is that what you mean?"

"Well I want to be your friend, but I was hoping for something closer then that." Liara confessed.

"Oh, I see, I'm flattered that you feel that way, Liara. But to be honest I don't feel that way about you, I'm sorry but I do like talking and being your friend. I would like to continue our friendship if that would be okay."

"Oh, Shepard, I... well… I guess that would be okay. Please don't think bad of me."

"Really Liara, I am not thinking bad of you, I do like you, just not that way. Okay."

"Okay, Shepard."

Trying to figure out what she had done to make Liara think she was interested in her, Shepard walked out of the room and back into med bay proper. As if she didn't have enough problems in her personal life. _It was a lot easier when I didn't let people get so close to me _she thought. Kaidan was there now with Dr. Chakwas, she made a half hearted waved in their direction as she passed by. She then headed up to the bridge to check on their arrival at Diamond's Landing.

* * *

A few days later, Kaidan realized that the Commander had been spending a lot of time with Dr. T'soni lately. Though he knew she was trying to understand the things in her vision, Kaidan was not thrilled with this outcome. They still had their morning workouts but Ashley had joined them a few days ago and now also came every morning. Shepard probably didn't speak more to Liara then she did to Ashley, it seemed_ they _chatted all the time. Then he heard Garrus talking to Ash while he was cleaning his weapons, about how Liara had a crush on the Commander and wondering what he (Kaidan) would say about that. Garras hadn't realized Kaidan was in the room and could hear him. When he was stowing his gun after cleaning it and figured it was time to take the bull by the horns and headed up to Shepard's cabin.

He was almost to the door to the cabin when he realized he just couldn't barge in there and demand to know what was going on with her. He really had no right to do that since they never really talked about what they were. He went to his workstation instead, as it was so close to her quarters and he could watch her come and go. It tended to break down a bit more then other terminals on the ship, but as he was able to fix it so it wasn't a problem. Pulling it apart and putting it back together calmed him. He had to adjust something and was about to put the cover back on the Commander came over to him.

"Kaidan, I was wondering what you thought about Liara, I mean Dr. T'soni?"

"Dr. T'soni." he said. "She seems to act younger then her years. She's nice enough, if you go for that sort."

"And do you?" she asked staring intently into his eyes.

Was she jealous? "No Ma'am, I go for the more adventurous type" did she look relieved? At what, did she want Liara or him? Now he was confused, but she told him they would talk later and left heading towards CIC.

A little while later he saw Ashley come up from below and take some juice and a sandwich and sit down in the mess. It was late and there was no one else in the mess and Kaidan hadn't eaten yet as he was waiting for Shepard to come and have lunch, but she was probably too busy. So he decided to join Ashley for lunch. Getting coffee and grabbing two sandwiches he went over and sat across from her.

"Hey L T, how's it going" then seeing the look on his face she said "who died."

"What do you mean?" He asked.

"You look upset, what happened" Ash asked.

"Nothing happened… well wait okay you talk to Shepard a lot right."

"We talk often, why?" Ashley could see that he was having trouble deciding if he should ask her what he wanted to know.

"Well she came over to me and asked about Dr. T'soni and then left. She used to talk to me a lot too, but now not so much. She spends much of her time with the doctor now. Oh, never mind, I don't know what I'm asking you." Kaidan rubbed his head.

"I get it, you want to know if she is interested in Dr. T right?"

He couldn't look at her face so he concentrated on his sandwich instead. He said quietly "uh… yeah I guess I do. But hey, I don't want to put you in the middle of anything."

"You two are just too funny. No she doesn't like Dr. T that way." She laughed.

"You're sure." He looked up into her eyes.

"Oh, yeah I am very sure." She smiled at him.

"Then why is she avoiding me?" he asked her.

"L T you are going to have to talk to her about that." She said with a big smile on her face and having finished her meal Ashley got up and left him alone whistling as she walked away.


	8. Chapter 8

This is my favorite chapter so far and the reason I started writing it all down in the first place. How this chapter came about is owed mostly to the KAST because we got to talking about gyms and I wrote the first chapter about going to the gym. Then we were talking about anger, and one thing led to another and brought my mind to here. As always Bioware owns all. Love it, Hate it but as always enjoy!

* * *

**And Then There Is Anger**

Shepard was frustrated. Three days here on Noveria and they couldn't get up to peak 15. That stupid pompous Anoleis refused to give them a garage pass. If things were not bolted down she would have been throwing them. She had given everyone shore leavs so there was no one on the Normandy right now, well almost no one, Joker was probably still here. She couldn't shoot the pompous ass salarian so she decided to give in to the anger for once. She actually started to enjoy the rush it gave her. If something didn't happen soon she was going to just start shooting everyone. Why didn't this ship have a shooting range. _Aaaagh, I am losing my mind. I know I'll go to the gym and hit a punching bag, the gym should be empty. Yes I will picture that stupid Salarian's head and smash it to bits._ She went and got her gym cloths on.

* * *

The Commander was so angry everyone was keeping out of her way, you never knew what could happen when she was angry. Kaidan hadn't left the ship with everyone else, for one thing Noveria was too cold. He did run out and made a stop at a store and made a purchase and then returned, but that was it. As long as the Commander stayed on board, he didn't see any reason to leave the ship. He was at his workstation when she came out of her cabin dressed in her workout outfit. She looked around but there was no one else around except him because of the shore leave. He thought he understood why she would want to go to the gym, it was sure to be empty. "I need to work out my tension" she snapped at him. "I will be in the gym if anyone needs me, most likely beating something to a pulp." Not waiting for him to answer she turned on her heels and left. He wished again that they had a shooting range on the ship; she wasn't going to be right unless she got to shoot at something. He then decided he might as well join her so she doesn't hurt herself.

When he got to the gym she was hitting the punching bag - hard. She hadn't taped up her fists and was already bleeding from a split on one of her knuckles and was getting blood all over the bag. _Damn_! He thought, _I didn't think it took me that long to change, she must really be angry_. He rushed over to stop her, grabbing the sides of her arms and saying "Commander!" She picked him up and threw him on the mat. He had not expected it and was winded. "Don't you ever sneak up on me!" she yelled at him. He tried to keep his calm and not raise his voice. As he worked out a strategy to defuse the situation, he said to her gritting his teeth "you heard the door, I know you did and I was not sneaking up on you" then he knocked her feet out from under her and she fell to the floor right onto her butt. She moved quickly for the counter attack, lunging right for him. Kaidan knew she was angry and he hoped she would lash out at him once he knocked her down but he was depending on her being so angry and not thinking clearly so the advantage would be his and hopefully would have the upper hand. She went for his head as he knew she would, so he just grabbed her wrists, pushed her down and rolled her over so he could lay on top of her and try to hold her in place. She might have been good, but he was ready for her and he had strength and weight on his side. He wouldn't be able to keep her down for long as she really did excel at hand to hand, but he hoped he could keep her down long enough to see reason.

"Commander…Shepard… please, you're going to hurt yourself."

"Or you if you give me a few seconds." She snapped at him, she was still struggling.

She was really fighting him and he was trying not to hurt her. He could see the red welts starting on her wrists where he was gripping them tightly. She struggled harder and he had to dig his fingers into her wrists.

He looked deep into her eyes trying to center her. "You don't want to hurt me" and he softened his voice "Do you Shepard?"

Her ears were ringing, she could feel the blood flowing in her head, then she heard the sweet music that was his voice and it brought her back to reality. Hurt Kaidan, no she didn't want to hurt him. But a few seconds ago, she could have. She can't remember when she had ever been so angry before and not controlled it. So angry she wasn't thinking straight? Never! But here on the Normandy she felt safe, so she let the anger take her. She savored the feeling and the adrenaline high, she had enjoyed letting her self go to the anger. Now if she didn't control herself she might hurt him. She decided it was enough.

The struggling slowed then stopped. She looked up into his eyes. They were nose to nose and he could easily get lost in her eyes.

"No, Kaidan I don't want to hurt you." She said soflty and he could feel the tension leave her body. He saw the anger leave her face and she was studying his. "I just can't take these politics anymore."

"I understand, really I do. But you can't be taking it out on just any poor defenseless punching bag." It made her laugh and relax more. He let go of her wrists and now they were really red, she would probably have some bruises there in a few hours. He could feel her breath on his face. See the twinkle in her eye that he had grown to love. His Shepard was back with him. He couldn't stop himself; he leaned down slowly, so she could turn her head away if she wanted. She could stop him, if she wanted to. He kept moving towards her until his lips touched hers. She didn't pull away from him and she parted her lips so he could continue the kiss. She kissed him back, he was in heaven. He rubbed his tongue against hers, reveling it the taste of her. It was a long slow hard kiss one that he wished would never stop.

Shepard leaned into the kiss, god how she wanted this. She could feel the stirrings inside her body, she had never felt like this before. She didn't want him to stop and was not happy when he pulled back. She noticed they both were breathing hard. "Please, don't stop Kaidan" she said softly. He leaned his far head against hers. "We need to go back to work, you know this could get in the way. If I keep kissing you, I don't think I will be able to stop"

"I know your right." She let out a sigh, "I should be the strong one here. I should never have let this happen."

"Well, truth be told, I would like for it to happen again, maybe when this is all over, and certainly more then once" he told her with a smile.

"I'm sorry and I know we have to put this on hold." She leaned up and kissed him on the cheek, "but I don't have to like it, do I?"

"No," and he chuckled at her "you don't have to like it. We can do this Shepard, we just need to wait" he said and he sighed. "Do you think you can control your temper now?" He asked her.

"I always control my temper. This time I thought no one was around and the council specifically told me I couldn't shoot Anoleis, so I let my anger swallow me. Now you know what it's like if I release my control of my emotions, you sure you want to get closer to me?"

"Shepard, of all the things in my life I am not sure about, that is the one thing I am sure of."

She shook her head at him. "You know that is one decision you might live to regret. On the other hand, it was a very nice kiss and I might have to lose my temper more often If it means I get one of those to calm me down" she smiled. "It really worked."

"Yes, well you just think of it as a preview of things to come when all this is over." He said as he got up and helped her too her feet.

_Yes,_ she thought, _when this is over, and we live through it, maybe then we can be together_. "Tease! Okay I will take this as a promise of things to come! I think I will hold you to that you know. I need a nice hot shower now I think" she said then she smacked him on the ass as she fled out the door.

Kaidan stood there thinking back with satisfaction at their first kiss he was amazed at his control. Yes, first kiss and it was a memorable one. He didn't think he would be able to control himself so well again. It had been the limit of his control to stop this time. He would need a take a shower also. His shower would have to be cold.


	9. Chapter 9

I hope everyone is having fun. Bioware owns all of Mass Effect including the characters (which probably includes my imagination at this point).

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* * *

**

**And There Are Witnesses**

Shepard hadn't gone to the gym this morning so she asked Ashley to come up to her cabin so they could talk. Shepard had developed bruises on both her wrists so she didn't want to leave the cabin unless she was in her armor so no one would notice. It wouldn't have mattered so much except you could see the finger marks distinctly and that was not good.

Ashley came in and sat down. "What's up Skipper" she asked. Then she saw Shepard's wrists and grabbed her hand. "What happen to your wrists, those are finger marks, what's going on?"

"Well it was silly really. Last night I was really angry and I went to the gym to work out my anger. I had never let myself go to anger before, and I will tell you I was giddy with the rush it caused. Well I had told Kaidan that I was going to work out my anger, and I guess he thought I would hurt myself or he wanted to join me. In any case he came into the gym and I was punching the punching bag but I hadn't taped up, so I cut myself. In actuality my knuckles fared better then my wrists. I don't know if it was the blood or what but he rushed over and tried to pull me off the bag." She looked Ashley "I had heard the door, I knew he was there. I may even have suspected that he would try and stop me. So I was ready for him and I threw him to the floor." she smiled as Ashley laughed.

"To the floor? Now that would have been something to see." Ashley said.

"Oh yes it was, but I was so into my anger high it didn't stop there. He knocked my feet out from under me and I landed right on my ass." Ash laughed again.

"Oh yes," Shepard continued, "on my ass, but I have been knocked on my ass before so instinct took over and I lunged for his face. He was calmer and ready for me and he caught my wrists and trapped me under him until I calmed down."

She held up her wrists to Ashley "I didn't cooperate right away, I fought him, hence the bruises" she smiled at Ashley. "Oh yeah, and then he kissed me."

Ashley's jaw dropped "What?" Then she laughed "Oh my goodness Skipper only you could go from fighting to a first kiss. So, how was it?"

"Toe curling." Shepard smiled. "I will tell you that man has such control. He stopped at one kiss, and I know that I certainly didn't want to."

"He stopped, not you?"

"Right, now you know all my shame" and she smiled at Ashley. "All the more reason I should stay away from him. My Lieutenant has more control then I do. This is just so strange. I am strong everywhere else. I can face down the angriest Krogen and go toe to toe with the meanest admiral. I can knock heads with the toughest merc or sidestep the stupidest politician. In all other aspects of my life I am completely in charge. Yet he enters the picture and I become someone else, vulnerable and needy. It's not a good look for me."

"You can never tell how you're going to react when you heart is touched, Shepard. Alenko is your solvent, he breaks you down into your basic elements." Ash explained.

"Yes, he does do that to me, doesn't he. Maybe if I had more experience dealing with these feelings before I would know how to block them, but it's all so new to me. The fact that he stopped when I know I wouldn't have stopped him. I guess Kaidan cares more about the regs then I do."

"I don't think it's that Skipper, Joker says Alenko is afraid of messing up your career, which right now is spotless. A note in your file about fraternization and with a subordinate, yeah he is really aware of how that would look."

"Joker, you talk to Joker about this Ash?" Shepard looked horrified.

"No Skipper, I talk to Joker about the LT, he tells me things the LT talks to him about, because, well let's face it, its Joker and he doesn't think anything about privacy issues. I also think he is trying to get information out of me about you. I have kept our conversations secret Skipper, you know I have."

"Okay I see, you scared me a minute there Chief." Shepard sighed in relief. "So what does Joker tell you about Kaidan?"

"Oh, no Skipper, if the LT is not allowed in your mind, then you're not allowed into his. It wouldn't be fair. You know at some point you two are going to have to talk about this together. Besides it seems like your both on the same page anyway. Just have fun."

"Fun, she says" and Shepard shook her head.


	10. Chapter 10

This isn't where I thought it would go, but Shepard had other Ideas. As always Bioware owns all. Enjoy! And as always more to come.

* * *

**Soldiers Have More Fun?**

"Damn it!" Shepard yelled as the mako careened down the mountain, flew off the slope and landed on the right wheel causing it to blow out. "I hate driving this thing."

"Well maybe if you drove it more often you wouldn't have so much trouble" Ashley said to her.

"Men like driving vehicles, why shouldn't I be happy to be chauffeured around?"

"Then why didn't you bring Garrus?"

"With Alenko down with a migraine I thought it would be good to let the ladies go and have some fun. Liara can make up for missing the biotic. It sounded like a good idea at the time. Would have been too if this damn planet didn't have so many high mountains." she said with a frown.

"Does riding in this vehicle usually make your stomach feel funny" Liara asked the others.

"Funny ha ha or funny bad" Ashley asked.

"Well, bad I think" Liara answered

"Okay everyone out. You need some fresh air Liara." Shepard said as she got up and went to put on her helmet, and then she remembered Kaidan wasn't here so she left it off. Shepard and Ashley got out of the vehicle and helped Liara down off of the mako.

"Shepard I am not feeling very well at all." Liara said.

"Okay Liara now take some deep breaths" Ashley told her.

On the third breath, Liara lost her breakfast.

"Joker we need to be picked up" Shepard said into her comm.

"You finished already Commander." Joker said "you haven't been there that long."

"No, Dr. T'soni is not feeling well, let Dr. Chakwas know. Also tell Garrus to suit up." Shepard answered.

"Aye, aye Commander, ETA six minutes."

"I feel awful, like I could die." Liara said before trying to get rid of last night's dinner also.

"Don't worry, Liara. No one ever died from from motion sickness before" Ashley said, and then aside to Shepard she said "have they?"

"I have no idea, but I don't think so" Shepard answered.

* * *

Shepard and Ashley helped Liara into the med bay. Dr. Chakwas had the med bay lights down low Shepard noticed, so Kaidan's migraine must be a bad one.

"So what seems to be the problem Liara?" The doctor asked softly.

"She had an attack of 'I can't stand the Commander's driving'" Ashey said equally softly, giggling.

"She has motion sickness doc." Shepard said giving Ashley a look.

"Well that's easily taken care of. I will give you a shot and you'll get some rest and be as good as new." Dr. Chakwas told Liara.

"Shepard" She heard Kaidan calling to her softly. He was in one of the back beds where it was darker. She walked over to the side of the bed and crossed her arms so she could stop herself from touching him to comfort him even though she wanted to.

"Yes Lieutenant?" she asked.

Kaidan winced, since the day after he kissed her she had stopped calling him by his name. He thought it might be a defense mechanism that she was using to keep herself and him separate for now, but it still bothered him. "Helmet" was all he said.

"I am on the ship. Lieutenant, I don't need my helmet on the ship." she told him.

"But you weren't wearing it, were you?" he said a look of pain on his face probably from the migraine but he didn't stop looking at her.

"Lieutenant, you should be more worried about the fact that you are disobeying a direct order by having a migraine when I need you for a mission. That should scare you more then my not wearing my helmet." Shepard told him.

"It doesn't" he told her, and then closed his eyes.

* * *

As Shepard and Ashley walked back towards the airlock Ashley said "what was that about?"

"Oh ever since I hit my head on the mineral outcropping the Lieutenant insists I wear my helmet when I get out of the mako" she told her.

"No I don't mean that, I mean you called him Lieutenant, and you crossed your arms in front of you an obvious defensive gesture. What's up with that?"

"I told you we have to wait. My feelings were getting too strong. I needed to pull away and shut down the connection between us, it was interfering with the mission. More then that, it was getting to me Ash. I need my walls back up. I need them to be reinforced." Shepard said.

"And you talked to L T about this, right?" Ashley had seen the look on Kaidan's face and knew that if she had spoken to him, he didn't get the message.

"Yes, when we kissed, I told you all this Ash" Shepard told her softly as they were entering the airlock and she didn't want Joker to hear.

As the airlock closed and the outside one opened Shepard continued. "You remember we said we were going after Saren and that everything else has to wait. That's why I asked you to come back to the gym. I told you it's too tempting if we're alone."

"Yeah but Skipper you have to…." Ashley never got a chance to finish.

"Shepard!" Garrus yelled at her "What did you do to this vehicle? It's got a flat!"

"Hey don't blame me, blame the planet full of high mountain ranges." She told him.

"Yeah well you would not fly off the mountain if you tap the accelerator instead of just holding it down, you can get all the way down the mountain very well that way."

"Are you going to keep complaining or are you going to fix it? Because those pirates we're after have taken six ships and killed over thirty people. We need to take care of this problem. We need to hit the base." Shepard advised him.

"I will fix the tire, but you have to be more careful when you drive it, okay?" he asked her.

"We'll see" Shepard told him.

* * *

It was six hours later when they entered the med bay again. Kaidan had woken up a short while before and his headache was dissipating. He was waiting for it to be gone enough to get out of bed, so he saw them come in. It was still dark in the back of the med bay so they didn't know he was awake.

"Shush Ashley, I don't want Alenko to know, he won't like it. He never wants to let me out of the mako when we find them." Shepard whispered, but not quietly enough because he heard her.

"It was worth a few burns Skipper, I mean it was almost dead anyway." Ashley said, she was just as excided as Shepard was. What had they done? He tried to figure out what it could be by put the clues together.

"Hey doc, can you make it so that the burns don't leave marks, I kind of what to keep this on the QT." Shepard said.

"Yes, I have a regenerative salve that will cover the burns and neutralize the acid." Dr. Chakwas told her.

"Thresher maw" Kaidan yelled sitting up. "You got out of the mako to kill a thresher maw. Are you two out of your minds! You could have been killed and you didn't even have a medic with you! What were you thinking?"

Ashley looked at him. "That it would die faster obviously, and then we wouldn't have gotten burned." She laughed and Shepard did too."

"This is not funny Shepard, you know how dangerous this is. How could you not realize that this was a mistake?" She stopped laughing. "And you Ashley, how could you encourage her."

"Alenko, that is quite enough." She said slowly and carefully. The doctor and Ash were looking at him, and Shepard was glaring at him. "You forget yourself Lieutenant."

Kaidan froze. What had he been thinking? But when he realized what she had done he couldn't help himself. What she had done - it scared him. "Uh… I am sorry Ma'am, Chief, Doctor. If you will excuse me" he walked out of med bay.

Shepard watched him go. His outburst had surprised her. He was usually more reserved especially around witnesses. Sure he didn't want her to get out of the mako, but that didn't explain why he was shouting at them. She looked at Ashley.

"You really need to talk to him Shepard." Ashley told her.

Shepard nodded her head and said "so doc, about these burns…."

* * *

The next morning Ashley and Shepard were almost finished with there workouts when he finally had worked up enough courage to enter the gym. He was embarrassed, but he had to apologize again, so he steeled himself and entered the room. Ashley looked up at him, but Shepard didn't. He supposed she was still angry. He stood before them and said "I just want to apologize for my outburst yesterday, it was uncalled for. I just thought about the two of you being in danger and I reacted strongly. It won't happen again."

He watched Shepard's face for a reaction but got none, and then she said "apology accepted Lieutenant."

Ashley said "Yeah, no harm, no foul."

"I take it you will apologize to Doctor Chakwas also?" Shepard asked him.

"Already done…. Ma'am." Doctor Chakwas was much more understanding than he had thought she would be, certainly more understanding then Shepard was being."

"Good" was the only thing she said to him.

He started in on his stretches. He saw Ashley look at Shepard, but right now the Commander didn't appear to be paying attention to either of them. Ashley finished her workout and left advising them she would see them in the mess.

Kaidan watched her leave then turned to look at Shepard. She looked up into his eyes. "Why did you react that way?" She asked him.

"Hey, it's not a secret to you that I never wanted you to go up against a thresher maw one on one. I believe I made that quite clear to you many times. As for why I reacted so strongly, in front of witnesses, which I assume is what you are angry at, I don't know. It might be because I still had a headache, or more likely it was my panic that you did something stupid and I wasn't there to stop you."

"It wasn't stupid. The maw was almost dead, it could hardly hold its head up. We got a little acid on our faces from splash back that's all. I know what I am doing, sometimes I think you forget that. I was taking care of myself and others long before I met you."

"Yes, I know that." He rubbed his forehead. "Shepard I care for you, and I don't want you to put yourself in unnecessary danger" she started to say something but he held his hands up to stop her " and I think getting out of the mako to kill a thresher maw, when you could stay in the vehicle to kill it, is unnecessary. You are the Commander, and you can do what you want, when you want. I just would like you to be around when this is over, can you understand that."

She opened her mouth to speak, then closed it again. _What was he really saying? _She asked herself _just that he doesn't want me to take chances with my life. Wouldn't I want the same for him? _She waged a war inside her head for a few minutes while Kaidan watched her. Finally she said "Listen, lets see if I understand what you're asking of me. It's not that you don't want me in danger, or to look for danger, because that's the job" he nodded at her. "But you don't want me to make the danger worse then it has to be, is that what your saying?" she had a slightly confused look on her face.

"In a nut shell, yes that's it. I can't lock you away to keep you safe, and let's face it, you wouldn't be the same woman you are if I did. I like you the woman you are, I just don't want you to take chances that you don't need to. I'm not saying don't take chances, I'm just asking you to choose wisely with the chances you do take."

"Okay, that seems reasonable. Tell you what." She said as she walked towards the door to leave. "I will consider your request Lieutenant." And Kaidan realized that was all the ground she was going to yield to him.

"Thank you, Shepard" he said as she left the room.

* * *

Shepard joined Ashley in the mess. The Chief had been waiting for her to come so they could eat together, she was sitting there with a cup of coffee. They both got up to get their breakfast. The two other marines that were eating in the mess had finished and got up and left, leaving the mess empty except for the two women.

"So how did it go?" Ashley asked.

"I think we reached a happy medium. I shouldn't put myself or anyone else in more danger then is necessary. I told him I would think about it. That's it."

"Shepard, did you talk about your shutting him out?"

"I am not shutting him out, I listened to him. I just don't particularly agree with him." Shepard answered.

"No I mean shutting him out emotionally. You know the pulling away stuff your doing?"

"Well, no, that didn't come up. I told you we already agreed to put the relationship on hold. It was his idea, remember."

"I have seen his face Skipper and quite frankly I don't think he is on the same page that you are."

"You know this is starting to get more difficult than it has to be. We are getting closer to Saren and this will be over soon. Right now we need to concentrate on the mission. That's how I am going to deal with this."

"Okay Skipper, but I don't think that pulling away is such a good idea." Ashley told her.

Kaidan joined them for breakfast effectively cutting off any further discussion on the matter.


	11. Chapter 11

Because sometimes you don't know how important something really is. Bioware owns all. Hope you enjoy the ride....

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**WHERE DID YOU GO?**

Kaidan went to the bridge to visit with Joker. He was really getting frustrated. She still wasn't giving him more then the time of day, but at least he had been getting to see her and talk with her and Ashley in the gym. Lately, Shepard had been so tired she hadn't been able to come to the gym for the last five days now and missed dinner most nights. He just missed her.

They were still on the Cidadel and she was stuck at meetings all day long. His feelings for her had not waned with her avoidance of him, if anything they were stronger then ever. He couldn't seem to get her alone to talk to her, and whenever he tried she shut him down. He hoped she still felt the same way, he had no reason to believe her feelings had changed, but her avoidance of him made him wonder. She was just being very cold, just being very professional, just being very Shepard.

He wasn't going to kid himself that the crew was in the dark about what was going on. It was a small ship after all. The frown that came to Liara's face anytime she saw Kaidan talking to Shepard was enough to let him know that she suspected his feelings.

Liara wasn't on the ship though right now, neither was the Commander, Tali, Dr. Chakwas or Ashley. When Shepard came back from the meeting tonight she anounced that the females were going on a "Lady's Night Adventure" on the Citadel and the males were not welcome.

Kaidan was feeling restless and lonely. He had tried to go down and talk to Garrus, but the mako was having transmission issues and Garrus just got the part in to fix it, so he was too busy to visit with Kaidan. Joker was the only other one that Kaidan could talk to, as Wrex really didn't understand Kaidan and the Commander at all.

Joker was under his console probably tweaking something or other to gain a .00001 millisecond of a reaction time or something like that.

"Hey Alenko are those your feet?' Joker asked.

"Yes, it's me" Kaidan answered.

"Yeah I thought I would know those things anywhere, it's the smell you know."

"Very funny, Joker" Kaidan turned to leave, this was not going to help.

"Hey where you going, I was only kidding."

"I don't know, not here."

"No, its okay come back. What did you want anyway?" Joker asked.

"Just company I guess, all this waiting around and not doing anything it starting to get to me."

"Well maybe we need a guys night out" Joker said. Yeah you, me, Garrus, Wrex if he'll come. Lets do it - lets go."

Kaidan didn't think that it was such a great idea, he didn't know what a 'guys night out' would do for his mood. Then he thought he might as well go instead of moping around the ship.

"Well we can't go to Flux because that's where the Commander and the ladies went, we don't want them to think we are following them, so that leaves Cora's Den." Kaidan informed Joker.

"Woo hoo, yes, I am up for that, they have asari dancers. Go see if Garrus and Wrex want to come."

Wrex wasn't interested, Garrus said he would go if they could give him just ten minutes more.

* * *

They had been at Cora's Den for a while now. Garrus and Joker were on their fifth round. There were dancers dancing but Kaidan wasn't watching the show. He was thinking that he could just walk down the alleyway and he would be at Flux and he could at least see the Commander.

"Whoa you have it really bad Kaidan." Garrus said.

"What? What do I have now?"

"What were you just thinking?" Garrus asked.

"Nothing really." Kaidan looked down at the liquid in his glass. It was some blue concoction that the bartender promised wouldn't mess with human systems. He had taken a sip, but it tasted awful and he knew he wasn't going to finish it, so he played with it instead.

"You were thinking of the Commander" Joker said, "it's written all over your face."

"That's enough of that Joker." Kaidan told him.

"Oh, come on Kaidan, we live in a fish tank. Do you think the rest of us can't see what is going on?" Garrus told him. "You have been dragging for a week now, and the Commander has been too busy to even hold a conversation with any of us since she is in meetings all day long every day. Like this is going to be solved with a meeting. That's just stupid. Anyway did you think we didn't notice that your mood change coincided with her not being available or around?"

Kaidan stood and turned to face Garrus. "Fish bowl or not, I don't think that I really want to discuss my personal life, or lack there of, in a bar on the Citadel surrounded by gyrating dancers and drunk shipmates."

"'Lack there of" yes that's the problem with you Kaidan, I knew it" Joker told him. And he punched Garrus softly on the arm "See I told you" he said to Garrus.

Kaidan put his head in his hands. "I so do not want to have this conversation with you guys. You guys just don't understand."

"How can we not understand?" Garrus said, "We see how you watch her when you think no one is watching you. We see how she watches you when you are not looking." That was news to Kaidan, that the Commander still watched him. "How can we not understand?"

"I was right in thinking this was not a good idea" he told them, he grabbed the drink off the bar, downed the glass of blue liquid, paid the bartender and left.

Walking back to the dock through C-Sec he noticed the world start to become doubled. Then he noticed he was a bit wobbly and couldn't stand up straight. Well so much for the drink not messing with his system. As he took the elevator up to the Normandy he became more and more lightheaded. It is a long ride up and one of the news announcements was a news story about Shepard. "Shepard" he said smiling to himself. Yes that's what he needed, Shepard.

It took him three tries to get onto the walkway to the Normandy's hatch. He kept missing the entrance because walkway kept moving (or at least he was sure it was). While going through decontamination he found himself giggling. That was what he would do, he would go to the Commanders Cabin and wait for her there and tell her he missed her. She would love that, he was certain of it.

The ship was empty since most everyone was on shore leave. Kaidan made his way down the stairs and only had trouble when the stairs stopped but he didn't. He landed on his butt, and started laughing. Finally he got up and worked his way around the side of the elevator and over to the Commanders door. It opened and he fell inside. He worked his way the bed and got on top of it. She wasn't there – but he buried his face in the covers and just took a deep breath. The blankets had her smell on them it made him feel great. His head was spinning. That's when he passed out.

Kaidan heard a noise and opened his eyes. He was lying on a bed and the Commander had just walked into the door. He could move his eyes around, but he couldn't seem to move his body. She walked into the room and the door closed. He could hear her mumbling to herself.

"That's the last time we have a girls night with alcohol, I will tell you that. Who knew that Liara couldn't hold her drink." She went over to the closet and turned her back to Kaidan, still not noticing he was there. She took off her clothes leaving her underpants on and he saw how white and her smooth back was. She pulled out the shorts and tank top she wore to bed from the closet and pulled them on. Then she went over to the bathroom area. He could see the sink, but the toilet was behind the closet so he couldn't see that. She must have used it, because he heard it empty. Then she went over to the mirror and used the teeth cleaner. She was checking out her mouth when she looked in the mirror and caught his eyes watching her. She took the cleaner out of her mouth and said sharply "Kaidan, what are you doing here?"

Kaidan tried to answer, but he couldn't seem to get his mouth to move. He wanted to tell her he missed her, that he loved her, that he needed her. What came out was "Mmmmm yaaaa."

She came over to the bed and touched his face. "Your burning up are you sick?" She asked. He just looked at her, she was so beautiful, but no matter how he tried he couldn't get his mouth to work. "Here" she told him grabbing his arms, "you sit up" and she pulled him to a sitting position in front of her. That's when he vomited blue all down the front of her. The last thing he thought before he passed out again was that she wasn't going to like that.

* * *

Dr. Chakwas had just finished her daily report when Shepard came running into med bay. Chakwas had gone with the Commander and the girls but had left early due to some reports she had to finish. The Commander had blue all down the front of her.

"That's a good look for you" the doctor told her.

"Funny doc! Hey, I think something is wrong with Lieutenant Alenko, and before you ask, I found him in my room I did not invite him there." Shepard told her. "He couldn't seem to talk and he couldn't seem to move and I tried to sit him up and he vomited on me, as you can see."

"Why is it blue, I wonder" the doctor asked.

"I have no idea but now he is passed out in my quarters."

"Let me get my kit" and she walked to the back, the Commander was standing to the side of the room away from the door so when Garrus came running in with Joker trailing behind, they didn't see her.

"Doctor Chakwas, we lost Alenko and there is a good chance he needs medical attention." Garrus told her.

"Why would that be Garrus?" Shepard asked. Joker cringed.

Garrus looked guiltily at the Commander. "Well we went to Cora's Den and we ordered some drinks. He had ordered something that was safe for humans and it was blue. Well I ordered Hadica and it is also blue, well, Kaidan may have accidentally taken my drink and downed it."

"Hadica, oh, no wonder he couldn't move Commander it's Caloriea venom extract. To humans it is a neurotoxin. It's good that he vomited. I can get him an antidote, but he is going to feel sick for a few days."

"Well you know where he is doc, I will meet you there, when I am finished here" the Commander said.

The last thing the doctor heard her say was "Okay you two explain to me how Alenko could have accidentally drunk the wrong drink?" She did not sound happy at all.

* * *

Doctor Chakwas got the antidote into him and cleaned him up, changed the bedding and cleaned floor area where the drink had been regurgitated. He was sleeping peacefully now, so she didn't see any reason to move him. She was sure the Commander wouldn't mind, some people just needed a little push in the right direction she thought. The Commander finally came back into the room went to a closet and took out a fresh shirt, panties and shorts and then grabbed her silk robe making sure to keep everything away from the gunk on her body. It was obvious to the doctor she was planning to get cleaned up.

"Well it seems they were teasing Alenko and he got mad and downed the wrong drink in error. Garrus said he hadn't noticed until he took a drink of Kaidan's drink and realized it was not what he ordered. He complained to the bartender that he had gotten the wrong drink. The bartender told him that he had put out the Hadica on the bar with the other earth drink." The commander explained. "And that is when Garrus realized that Alenko had drunk his drink. The Bartender told them that that was dangerous and so they went looking for him and, when they couldn't find him, looking for you. They were too drunk to remember to ping his Omni tool."

The Commanders explanation completed she asked. "Is he really going to be okay?"

Seeing the concern in her Commanders eyes she tried to ease her fears. "Oh yes, he will be fine, in a day or two. Then weak for the rest of the week. Light duty only." Chakwas told the Commander as she headed to the door. "He's going to sleep for quite a while so go have a shower. When he gets up have him drink plenty of fluids."

"Hey Doc" Shepard said, "shouldn't he be in the med bay?"

"Why," the doctor asked as she walked through the door, "he isn't sick anymore."

She wasn't sure she should take a shower in the cabin. What if he woke up? She figured that she would use the crew bathroom just to be on the safe side. Returning to the cabin she was in her robe, If anyone thought it odd they didn't say anything. Not that there was anyone around.

She entered the cabin and put her dirty clothes in the cleaning tube. Then she turned and walked over to the bed to check on Kaidan. He appeared to be breathing normally his face was calm. She touched his cheek, yes he was cooler now. He turned into her hand and sighed. She knew he wasn't awake, but he did seem to sense her. Well she wasn't going to be able to sleep here tonight. She knew the crew wasn't completely unaware of her feelings towards Kaidan, but she was not going to give them any more evidence. Besides Ashley and Joker would have a field day with this. She took off her shorts and put on her sweatpants which were her preferred pod sleepwear and went out to sleep in Kaidan's pod. If anyone had anything to say about that, they could talk to her gun.

* * *

Kaidan awoke to a funny taste in his mouth and a dizzy feeling. He lifted his head a little and looked around. That made him more dizzy. He was in the Commander's cabin. He saw her sitting at the table reading a data pad, drinking some water it looked like. She hadn't heard him, so she didn't look over at him. He went over in his head what had happen. He went to have a drink, got angry and left. He went to the cabin to tell her he missed her. Vomited on her and passed out. Yeah, that about covered it, he groaned and lay back down. She heard him.

Shepard turned and got up walking over to the bed to check to see if Kaidan was okay. She didn't think he was awake but when she got closer he opened his eyes.

"Do you hate me?" he asked her. She laughed at him, grabbed a carafe of water that was on the bedside table and poured him a large glass of water. She had put the carafe there earlier heeding the doctor's request.

"Here drink this first" she told him. She sat on the side of the bed as he drank the water down, never taking his eyes off her.

"No, I don't hate you, as you well know. You do owe me a new tank top and shorts, they were earth grown cotton by the way and really expensive. The blue didn't come out. Of the sheets either, but I have plenty of those."

He groaned again "I don't know what happened."

"Well in a nutshell you accidentally poisoned yourself."

"What? How?"

"Well, you drank Garrus' drink instead of yours, it was poison to the human system. Yeah that's about it. As to how you ended up here, well only you know that." She smiled at him.

"I could only think that I missed you." He said softly, "I wanted to see you and tell you, that's all. You've just been so distant lately."

Shepard looked deeply into his brown eyes, she didn't want to hurt him. She had been busy with these strategy meetings with hashing and rehashing of the information brought back from Noveria. She just couldn't let how she felt about him get in the way. She knew she had pulled back because she was becoming very afraid at how strong her feelings were for him. It was a conscious decision she had made without thought to the consequences. Ashley had been right, it wasn't such a good idea to pull away. He wouldn't have gotten angry at Garrus and Jokers ribbing if she hadn't pulled away, so he wouldn't have drunk the wrong drink. Some of the blame was hers.

"I am sorry Kaidan, I couldn't face the feelings I was having so I tried to avoid them. I didn't realize it would hurt you. I didn't try to hurt you on purpose, but you are right, I pulled back." She took his hand in hers and he squeezed her hand. "I am not really good at the emotional stuff, this is all pretty new to me and I thought the best thing to do was turn the emotions off. I never realized the impact it would have on you."

"We could have talked about it." he said looking at their joined hands.

"But we didn't. Like I said, this has never happened to me before. I handled it the way I handle everything, see a problem, fix it, destroy it or avoid it. I didn't know how to fix this, and I certainly didn't want to destroy it but I can't ignore how you make me feel. Avoiding it seemed the best course of action. Guess it doesn't work that way with matters of the heart."

"Suppose I should be glad you didn't choose destroy." He smiled at her.

"Well, what do we do now? You said you wanted to talk about it, so, let's talk."

He looked in her blue eyes. He loved looking into her eyes. He wanted to reassure her. "I don't have all the answers Shepard, I just wanted to know that you still felt something for me. I am hearing that you do. We had agreed to put this on hold, but when you pulled away I was worried that your feelings were changing That maybe you decided you didn't want to be with me. I'll be okay now." He said, raising her hand to his lips and kissing it.

"Okay then, can we make a deal, no more drinking and ending up in my cabin, okay? Well at least not without prior approval."

He laughed "Okay, agreed. Hey, how long have I been out anyway?"

"About twelve hours."

"Where did you sleep?" He looked at the other side of the bed.

"Yeah, don't get your hopes up; I slept in your pod." She swatted his chest.

"Good, I don't want to sleep through you being in bed with me" and he kissed the back of her hand again and then let it go. He tried to sit up, but became dizzy and fell back.

"Whoa, doc said you might have to stay in bed for a while, just drink the water and I will get you some breakfast." She told him.

"Uh... Shepard, I need to use the bathroom" he said.

"Oh…uh... well wait a minute I will get Garrus to help you, This is his fault too." And she got up from the bed.

He didn't want her to go, but he couldn't think of a way to make her stay, and he did need to use the bathroom. She came back with Garrus a few minutes later and then left so that Garrus could help him get to the facilities.

"Hey, Kaidan, I'm really sorry. We didn't mean to get you so angry. We were only teasing you." Garrus said as Kaidan hung on to his shoulder and tried to remember how to move his feet.

"It's okay Garrus, you actually helped me to solve my problem, but next time you guys decide to go out – go without me."

When they were finished and Kaidan was back in the bed Ashley came in with a large tray of food and sat and chatted with him while he ate. She regaled him with the tales of torture that Shepard had reigned down on Garrus and Joker. Garrus was made to clean the mako inside and out and dismantle and oil the mako's weapons. She made Joker catch up on all the reports that he had been remiss on since the Normandy was commissioned. She also made him write a paper on why he shouldn't interfere with other peoples lives and even threatened to get another pilot. She had returned the report to him twice telling him it was "insufficient."

"I think she will make him write it over a couple of more times before she accepts it L T." Ashley laughed. "She told him he was getting off easy because killing an officer is a court marshal offense"

"Killing? She wasn't serious was she Ash, was it really that bad?"

"She wasn't serious no, but if Shepard hadn't come back when she did and found you, yeah it could have been that bad. That's why Joker is writing the reports for Shepard." She told him softly. "Doc told us that if you had not have vomited up most of the toxin, you might not have made it. She didn't tell Shepard that though. Skipper doesn't know how close it was, and no one is telling her. Keep it to yourself okay." And she gave him a stern look.

"Yeah, okay. Thanks Ash, I wouldn't want her to worry." He said.

"Worry, hell I don't want her to kill Garrus and Joker." And they both laughed. Then he felt himself getting tired and Ash left him to get some sleep.

He felt better later when he woke and he was able to sit up and go to the can on his own. He was a little disappointed when Shepard wasn't there. Getting up did make him weak though so he got back in the bed so he wouldn't fall down. It wouldn't do for her to come back and find him flat on his face on the floor.

Dr. Chakwas was his next visitor and she told him he would be fine by the next day, but a little weak for the rest of the week so don't be surprised if he tired easily. Then the Commander joined them with with Ash, Tali, Garrus, Liara, Joker and Wrex in tow and they were each carrying a bowl or plates of food. The Commander told him they were going to have a family style dinner. She said that since each of them had decided they wanted to be in each other business and that's what families do, they should act like a family would. It was a great meal, they laughed, they talked and Kaidan couldn't remember when he had felt more normal. When his head started to droop, Chakwas advised them they better let him get some rest. They cleaned up then wished him goodnight one by one and left until the only the Commander was left. She took her sweats out of the draw and put them on the table. She walked over to the bed and sat down next to him.

Shepard looked into Kaidan's eyes. They didn't know that she knew how close she had come to losing him. Everyone assumes that being a soldier you only knew about guns and things like that. Shepard was interested in many things and one of the things that interested her most was poison. It wasn't so much a passing interest as a survival interest. Being famous had its disadvantages too, so she knew exactly how close he had come to dying. She reached down and hugged him. She felt his strong arms circle her back. She buried her face in his neck and breathed in the smell of him. She felt his lips on her neck and knew she had to pull back, because that would be too much for her. She looked into his eyes again and saw the disappointment on his face. She wanted to kiss him, but knew if she did, she would never leave the room. She touched his cheek and put her forehead against his.

"Kaidan, I want nothing more right now then to kiss you, but you and I both know that I can't. Please don't scare me like that again. I don't think my heart could stand it." She felt him rubbing her back.

"Shepard, I understand. I will do my best never to upset you again." He promised.

"Thank you." And she quickly kissed him on the lips and got up so as not to be drawn in for a deeper kiss. She had to leave the room, there were enough tales floating around.

"Hey, Shepard, you can have your bed back now" and he started to get up, but he was still a bit to weak.

"No" she told him pushing him back down. "Dr. Chakwas says you need to stay put for one more day. Doctors are usually right, so stay put. Good night Kaidan, sweet dreams" and she headed for the door picking up her sweats on the way out.

"Good night, Shepard, see you in the morning."


	12. Chapter 12

Okay this is just a little light something... More to follow … as always Bioware Owns all.

* * *

**It's Harder To Listen**

Shepard was directing Joker to take the Normandy away from the Citadel finally when Admiral Hackett called and asked her to take care of a problem in the Sol system on Luna. It seemed they had a rogue VI that was out of control. To her it Sounded like fun.

By the time they got to Luna, Kaidan had returned her bed to her, but was still on restrictive duty for a couple more days. She decided to take Garrus and Tali with her since they would mostly be dealing with mechanical things. As the Normandy entered Earth's airspace, Kaidan came over and asked if he could have a minute of her time in private.

As they entered the comm. room Shepard said out loud "Joker, privacy means you turn off your monitoring system."

"Come on Commander, I don't have any fun." Joker complained.

"Go find fun somewhere else mister." She told him smiling.

"Fine, but I want pictures."

She gestured to Kaidan's omni tool and had him check to make sure Joker had turned off the monitor in the room. Kaidan shook his head.

"Joker, remember when I told you that I could replace you. I am sending out for candidates now."

"Alright, alright I'm doing it now." Joker told her. Kaidan checked his omni tool and nodded.

"Okay, what's up?" she asked him.

"I want you to override Dr. Chakwas and take me with you."

"Uh, no" she told him.

"Come on Shepard I feel fine. I was in bed for three days, I've been resting for two more. I need to get out there." _I need to be there for you_ he thought.

"Again, no, I agree with her assessment. I saw how weak you were and I know you're still not one hundred percent."

"Really I am back to normal, I want to go. This VI it's my area of expertise." An out of control VI could be very dangerous. Tali is good and could handle it, but he trusted himself better, especially where Shepard was concerned. "You know I can handle it."

"Listen, I may give you leeway in some things, but I will not take chances with the missions we have to accomplish or your health. You may think your at peak, but we both know that your not. I understand you want to go, but you are sitting this dance out." She turned to leave.

He grabbed her arm and swung her back around into his arms. "I can prove that I am able" he said when they were nose to nose.

She smiled at him and then knocked his feet out from under him so he fell back on the floor.

"Yeah, I don't really think your up to it Lieutenant." She got down on one knee and kissed his nose. "Now behave or I will have Dr Chakwas sedate you." She patted his shoulder, got up and walked towards the door.

"Don't you trust my medical opinion? Are you afraid that I might get hurt. You can't keep me here just to keep me safe." He said to her retreating back, she stopped and turned to look at him.

"Kaidan, where my emotions are involved I trust you completely. Where my command is involved I trust me. This is a command decision." Then she walked back over to him and bent down until they were nose to nose again. "And yes I can keep you here to protect you, so if you don't get with the program, you'll be grounded for more then three days. Are we clear?"

He turned away from her "Yes, we're clear."

Shepard stood up and smiled down on him. "Go sit with Joker and you can keep track of us from the cockpit. If I have any questions I can contact you. We will be fine without you. You'll be clear for full duty in a few days. Oh yeah, and if this was a test to see if my feeling would influence my decisions, it wasn't a very good one. Try again." She turned and this time he let her leave.

* * *

Shepard came out of the Comm room and Ashley was there. They went down stairs so she could get into her armor.

"So what was that about?" Ashley asked.

"He wants to come and play."

"And you said…"

"You know as well as I do he is not fully recovered. I am certainly not going to risk our lives or his." Shepard told her.

"Well I can see why he would want to go, he is into the tech and all."

"Yeah well maybe he is just bored, I don't know. Tali can handle it."

"Yeah or maybe he just wants to keep an eye on your ass." Ash said.

"Well this time he is going to have to watch it from the ship." She said as Ash helped her get into her armor.

As they finished with the armor Shepard started loading and checking her weapons. "You know Skipper… I really enjoy your friendship." Ashley told her.

Shepard stopped checking her rifle and looked at Ashley. "Ashley I enjoy your friendship too. You know that is one thing about Kaidan, he made all this happen. I usually only get to know people on a hello – goodbye basis if you know what I mean. I would get surface knowledge but nothing deeper. I would really have been missing out if I had never got to know you Ashley. Thank you for that." She finished checking all her guns and when she looked up Ashley hugged her.

"I am happy you found love too Skipper, don't let it go. He's really special, it's very rare to find someone like that." Ashley told her.

Shepard blushed. "Love, there you go again. Yes, I am happy too. Thank you. See you later okay."

"Okay, Skipper. Be careful." Ashley told her.

"I always am."

* * *

Kaidan watched the readouts as he heard the running commentary from the ground team (Shepard's one concession to him was that he could listen). They took out two ground areas with turrets and were on the way to the main facility.

"Stop here Garrus." He heard Shepard say.

"Why way back here?" Garrus asked her

"The training facility has three bunkers and each one has two rocket turrets on top of them. If I go over there and stay behind that ridge I can take them all out." As Shepard

"Shit" Joker heard Kaidan say.

Joker hit his mute button, "Kaidan if she hears you getting upset, she is going to shut down the comm link. She doesn't want you excited."

Kaidan hit his mute button "Yeah I keep forgetting. Thanks."

"Tali make sure you stay down out of the range of the rockets." Shepard said.

"I got it Shepard." Tali answered.

"That's one down." Garrus said for Kaidan and Joker's benefit.

"Hey Shepard watch, that last one was close." Garrus's voice went up a notch.

"Yeah, I got it." Shepard said sounding annoyed.

"That's two down." Tali said.

"Garrus move to the right, your drawing fire." Shepard's voice.

"One more shot should do it for that one, Shepard." Tali said.

"That's three down." Garrus again.

Silence for a bit. "Kaidan breath man." Joker told him. "She does this all the time."

"Yeah but listening is a lot harder then being there."

"You got that right, I know it."

"Joker do you listen to us all the time?" Kaidan asked

"That Four" Tali said.

"No, you have to open the link on your end, and she had them open the links so you could listen today. So no, I don't usually hear it all. But some people forget their link is open and then I hear lots of stuff. Especially if they were just talking to the Commander; begging her not to get out of the mako to kill a thresher maw. Yeah I have tapes man." Joker told him.

"You do realize that I don't have to get out of this chair to kill you right?" Kaidan asked.

"Yeah, but you wouldn't because the Commander would be upset." Joker said.

"That's five." Garrus's voice.

"Yes but I think I could talk her into getting a new pilot." Kaidan told him.

"Maybe, but I'm the best, and you want her to have the best, right?" Joker looked at him.

"And that was six." Shepard said in a triumphant voice, they could hear her smiling.

"See Alenko, that wasn't so bad." Joker said.

"You were just trying to distract me, weren't you?" Kaidan said to Joker.

"Yeah, it worked too."

"Yes, it did." Kaidan said.

"Okay we're entering the first bunker." Garrus said.

Silence as they checked out the situation. Kaidan pictured in his mind the halls and rooms they might be waking through.

"I got some drones here." Shepard said.

"Take 'em out!" Garrus yelled.

"Watch that one on the left Tali" Shepard's voice.

"Shepard, roll." Garrus's voice.

"Got it." Tali's voice.

"There's one over there behind that box." Garrus's voice "that's right you got it."

"Negative contacts Commander." Tali's voice.

"Thanks." Shepard's voice "everyone okay?"

"fine" Tali.

"I'm good" Garrus.

Kaidan took in a deep breath. Maybe this hadn't been such a good idea. He opened his hands which he had clenched into fists during the exchange.

"Okay Shepard so if you blow the conduits that will disable the VI. According to the plans for this base there should be eight per bunker, four in each of the back rooms." Tali told her.

"Okay I'll take the left, you guys take the right." Kaidan pictured Shepard pointing the way as she directed them.

He heard the first shots and then Garrus said "Its venting gas at us."

Kaidan disengaged his mute button as he heard Shepard say "it doesn't want us to kill it."

"Shepard, turn up your oxygen scrubber; that should counteract it, and get out of there as fast as you can once you finish." Kaidan said over the comm.

"Will do" She answered him. "Tali, Garrus you heard?" Tali and Garrus both answered yes.

The second bunker went a little faster considering the layout was the same. The third bunker had more heavy rocket drones then the other two bunkers and two drones they didn't expect in the last room. In the end everyone survived with only minor injuries.

Joker picked them up and as Shepard climbed out of the mako and took off her helmet Kaidan was there with medi-gel for her face, she had got some scratches from shrapnel when one of the last rockets exploded into a wall she was standing next to.

"Will it leave a scar?" she asked him.

He smiled at her "No."

"Damn!" Shepard said, as he laughed at her. "I'll have to try not to duck next time." Ashley came over and took Shepard's Helmet from her and then Shepard and Tali followed Ash so that she could help them out of their armor. Kaidan helped Garrus out of his.

"Hey I missed you down there Kaidan." Garrus said "I had to deal with two women instead of one."

"Yeah, well let me tell you it was a lot harder to listen to you guys then it would have been to be there. Time moves faster when you're the one kicking butt."

"I hope that I never get grounded medical or otherwise. I don't think I could handle the stress." Garrus told Kaidan as they went to the elevator to get up to the mess.

Ever since the impromptu 'family' dinner Shepard had for Kaidan, the Squad with Dr Chakwas and Joker started to take the dinner meal together. So as Kaidan and Garrus entered the mess, Dr. Chakwas and Liara came out of med bay. Wrex, Shepard, Tali and Ash joined them a few minutes later and Joker followed behind them. Wrex sat on the end of the table on one side with Kaidan next to him, then Garrus, Tali and Dr Chakwas. Liara sat across from Wrex with Shepard, Ashley and Joker next to her. While they ate they got to connect with each other and they got closer to each other. It made them a great team.

Shepard looked around the table as everyone was chatting and she realized that this camaraderie had been missing in her life. Even though they were facing daunting odds, these people enjoyed the little things like dinner with friends. She watched as Kaidan was arguing with Garrus about load tolerances for the mako tires and Wrex was discussing biotic amps with Liara. Joker was telling Ashley, Dr. Chakwas and Tali a bawdy tale. This was one of the happiest moments of her life.

And she knew it couldn't last.


	13. Chapter 13

A bit of this is for everyone who has stood there and watched their squad members shoot at the bad guys and hit nothing. I think they need more practice and so does my Shepard. Oh and there is my regular sappy stuff too. Remember Bioware owns all.

* * *

**We All Need Aim**

Kaidan was running through a playback of the last month in his head. They had finally got through to Peak 15. Shepard had to make a deal with one of the executives, a turian name Lorik Qui'in. Then it turned out that Anoleis' assistant Parasini was undercover for the NDI and Shepard was able to convince Qui'in to testify. Liara got to speak to her mother before they were forced to kill her. Shepard released the Rachni queen. She didn't want to make an entire race extinct Kaidan understood that. Maybe the queen was sincere, who knew? Then they were called back to the Citadel to have the data collected on Noveria evaluated.

They were stuck on the Citadel for a while because of the Council. It was wasted time. They kept Shepard in meetings for over a week. Then they were able to disable a rouge VI on Luna, but didn't get a chance to stop at earth.

First there was that wonderful kiss, and then she avoided him for a while. That situation was resolved after he accidentally poisoned himself. Although she was still a bit restrained at times, every once in a while she would touch his hand, give him a quick kiss or smile at him just to let him know she still cared, as long as no one was looking anyway. The reassurance of her feelings made him feel good, her too probably. The squad started to eat together every night and it was bringing them all closer together. They were able to discuss tactics and formulate attack plans. She told him that this was due to him, but he saw it as all her.

Now the Normandy crew was in the wait mode of 'hurry up and wait.'

She came out of her cabin and walked over to him. "Admiral Hackett needs us to take care of a situation. I need you to gear up. Let's take Tali." she said.

"Commander, she isn't really proficient in her weapons as much as you would like her to be" he was referring to her latest tirade they were subject to at dinner last night. she wanted to get everyone expert in a least one weapon. Kaidan said "Do you think it's wise?"

"Wise, well I don't know about wise, but I do know that everyone needs to be at their best. I don't know why everyone is fighting me on this. If I keep taking only you and Garrus people will get sloppy and out of practice. If you like I could bring Tali and Garrus, or Tali and Wrex. I do think I might be able to talk us out of this situation though. Ex military man – I think it's a situation that can be handled effectively."

"You know that I want to go with you (he couldn't protect her if he wasn't there), maybe you better fill me in" he said.

"A Major Kyle is suffering a psychotic break and he has formed himself, well I guess you could call it a cult of Biotic followers. They killed the last men the Alliance sent to talk to him, and they will probably try to kill us. I do think I can talk him into giving himself up. He is a soldier who has seen bad things, so am I. I could work it from that angle."

"Maybe we should just bring Garrus or Wrex." Kaidan said.

"No, Tali, she has proved herself many times, and if we do get into it – it might prove to her why I am right and she needs to become more proficient in her pistol at least. She is good, but she could be better." He knew that it was a poke at him because she had had to convince him to become proficient with his gun. He remembered back when it happened. It was the first time he was alone with her, when she had asked him to meet at the range:

* * *

It was her second day on the ship which was sitting in a dock going over final preparation for the shakedown run. She had asked him join her at the Alliance shooting range because she had worked up a strategy using guns to supplement the biotics and would like his opinion on if it was sound or not. She felt if you balanced it right between biotics and weapon, you should never have to worry about overload. He hadn't expected much to come of it.

Kaidan had met her at the range where she explained her theory. "If you use both hands it gives you more control" Shepard was explaining to Kaidan, showing him the double hold on her pistol.

"Then when your biotics are recharged you can loose your hand, take you biotic shot and return your hand to the gun. You won't waste time having to re-aim for the throw or the shot. Then if you need a final shot to take down the assailant, your aim will still be true" she demonstrated for him what she meant by removing her right hand from the pistol acting out a throw and returned her hand to the pistol.

"Of course you need to practice so your aim is true." She had set up dummy targets so that he could practice both aiming the gun and his biotics simultaneously.

"Try it" she asked. Kaidan took a shot at the dummy with the pistol and actually hit it which surprised him a bit, then lifted the dummy, returned his hand to the pistol and shot the dummy again.

"That's it!" and she smiled at him. The first real smile she had shown since she arrived. It lit up her whole face and brought out the blue in her eyes. Kaidan couldn't help but smile back at her.

"Now if you get your timing down right you will be able to offset your biotics with your weapons and with some practice you will make yourself invaluable to the team. Not to infer that you aren't valuable now, but if there is room for improvement I tend to head in that direction, if you get my meaning."

"Duly noted Ma'am, I will work on it" Kaidan told her. "If I can be so bold as to ask Ma'am, have you worked with biotics before, you seem to have more knowledge then most."

"No Lieutenant I have not had that pleasure. I had heard there was a biotic on board, and when I read your profile this morning, the tactics came to me and I hashed them out." She told him. "I was really pleased you were willing to work with me on it. I have heard that most Sentinels don't take much in the way of weapons training. I don't feel that is a very smart decision as biotics don't make you invincible, just harder to hit. We might have to hone the tactics more as you make use of them and you discover my deficiencies, which I assure you, you will find some since, I am not biotic and don't have the working knowledge someone like you has. I hope you're willing to work with me on this, it could improve future training for all Alliance cadets."

"I would be happy to assist you Ma'am." Kaidan started to think he would do anything just see that smile again. Had she really said she had worked out those tactics after reading his profile _this morning?_ Just figured it out just like that. And the science was sound, Kaidan couldn't deny that. Shepard was amazing.

As he practiced, with her giving him pointers here and there, he realized that already in the day that she had been on the Normandy he had spoken to her more then anyone else since he was assigned to the ship, well accept for Joker who he had been working with on the bridge, but that was mostly technical conversations. They had conversations that just seemed to run into each other without any substance.

"Once you are proficient with the pistol, I would start on the assault rifle" she told him as she packed her gear. "Shotguns are good if you don't want to aim too well and just want to hit something, but an assault rifle will take the enemy down faster if you can work it."

"Okay, that's what I will do, Commander" Kaidan told her.

"Alright Lieutenant, I will leave you too it, I have a visiting Turian C-Sec officer that has challenged me to a shootout. I can't let him down" and she left. True to his word, Kaidan practiced for quite a while and when he finished he felt his aim was improving a bit. Working it the way she said, he could see where the timing came in to play. He could see her logic in the balance and really agreed with her about the training. This could save his ass at some point.

He remembered when he was leaving he saw a Turian with blue and red markings on his face who was complaining to another Turian. "It was a female human, who thought she would be able to wield a gun so well. She not only beat my score, she had a perfect run and all head shots. I don't think I have ever seen anyone shoot like that. It was like her gun was an extension of her arm." Kaidan just knew he had been talking about Shepard and it had made him smile.

As he looked back at that day he realized that was when he started to fall in love with her.

* * *

When they finally got to the moon Presop it actually had two more attractions other then Major Kyle's band of merry men. There was a group of mercs they had to dispatch, and to Shepard's delight, a thresher maw. She would drive miles out of their way if she suspected a thresher maw was in an area, Kaidan did not understand the complete and utter joy that she took in destroying the horrible creatures whose acid would burn through the mako if the maw hit it. He was able to keep her in the vehicle this time, and he didn't even have to beg. Maybe she had decided to listen to him a little bit.

Shepard also had no problem convincing Major Kyle to give up. He asked for an hour, she gave him an hour. Kaidan wasn't so sure it was a good idea at the time. One hour later Major Kyle met the Alliance at the entrance of his compound and there was no further incident. Another commendation in her file he suspected.

The Mercs were easier and he had to admit that, although she wasn't as proficient as Shepard would have liked, Tali did know how to handle a gun. He did agree with Shepard (well since that day at the range anyway) that everyone on the mission should be proficient in at least one weapon other then depend on only Biotics or Tech. Even with fast cool down times for your Biotics a gun can always be ready.

She was going to bring Tali to Feros too, because of the Geth, but at the last minute got a bad feeling about it and took Garras instead. Good thing too, there were really a lot of those creepers. Shepard with his and Garras' help were able to kill the creepers save all the scientists and colonists with the exception of Fai Dan who shot himself and the ExoGeni Corporation acting chief whom Shepard had to shoot or he would have blown up the place. That Tholian was huge, really disgusting and smelled bad, but when it died it was spectacular. All in all they had a good run of successful missions.

* * *

Kaidan had just gotten out of the longest hot shower he had taken in a long while just to get the smell off of himself. Shepard was in her cabin probably writing her report on Feros. He had an idea, since it was going to be a long report that would most likely take her all night, he should bring her some tea. He was able to find a nice tea on Noveria when they were there as a gift for her, but he had not found the right time to give it to her.

The salesman said it was a delicate tea from the oriental area of Earth. Imported it cost almost a weeks wages, but with Shepard paying for everything (she said the mineral rights she had collected were really paying off), the crew each had their own money to spare. The only thing she refused to buy was drinks, well since Kaidan's poisoning. She didn't drink anyway, because she didn't like the taste and didn't want to give up her control. No one knew that except him. Everyone expected her to be a big drinker, but she wasn't one at all.

He made the tea according to the directions, covering the container like he saw her do the first time she made tea for him. The smell was kind of earthy and he thought it would be very relaxing. As he entered her cabin, she threw a pillow at the wall. It just missed him.

"Was that meant to hit me, because if it was…"

She cut him off. "If I had aimed for you, it would have hit you!" she snapped at him. "If you want to give it back to me I'll prove it to you!" Then she said more calmly "what is that?" and she pointed to the tray he was carrying, as her curiosity got the better of her.

"It's a present seeing you have been so sweet lately I thought I should give you a gift."

She made a face at him and got up from her desk and went over to the table where he had put down the tray so he could get the mugs from the cabinet where she kept them. She took a seat as she watched him bring the mugs over and pour each of them a cup. The steam rose and she took a deep whiff. He watched her shoulders relax.

"Oh that smells heavenly. I think that's just what I needed, thank you that was very thoughtful of you. Do you think we need honey?"

He froze for just a second as he had though she was calling him honey, then he realized what she had asked. "No, I think this tea is supposed to be plain, or at least that is what the salesman told me. Why don't we try it and see."

She picked up the cup and brought it towards her lips. Kaidan put out his hand "Shepard that's really hot!" he told her, but she didn't drink it she was just smelling it.

She held the mug in both her hands under her nose. It worked she relaxed some more. "There is just something about a cup of hot tea that just takes all the tension out of me" she murmured.

At the threat of getting another pillow thrown his way, and this time hitting the mark he asked "so, what's with the pillow? Was the pillow naughty?"

"Ha, Ha" she stuck her tongue at him "you are just so funny. No I was just getting frustrated – I was writing up the report on Feros and the whole ExoGeni Corporation thing just got to me. I'm better now thanks to a wonderful cup of tea from a wonderful man. It's all good."

Kaidan doubted that, for her to throw something she had to be really pissed off but he let it go because she was obviously doing better now. At least she chose a pillow, so that no one would know she _had_ thrown something. He watched as she took a careful sip of the tea. The look of shear delight on her face was worth a year's pay.

Shepard sipped the hot liquid and allowed it to fill her mouth. The earthy flavor just filled her mouth and went up her nose. There was a hint of nutty flavor also, she loved the tea. It really was a fantastic gift and she was really touched that he had thought of her.

"This is just wonderful, Kaidan, it really is very thoughtful of you." She said and he thought the smile she awarded him was worth another weeks pay at least. They sat quietly and enjoyed the tea in silence for a while then talked about the events on Feros so she could get the report worked out in her head. When Kaidan left later she was in a much lighter mood back working on her report and he was sure she would have no problem getting the report done and then getting to bed. They hadn't spent much time together lately and to be honest even the flirting had died down a bit since they were getting busier. They had settled into a comfortable friendship, but truth be told he missed the flirting. She made sure in little ways to let him know that she still cared, but the promise of more when this was over kept him going. He was a lot more worried about the chances she took, but he trusted her so he let it go.

* * *

He was still thinking of Shepard, so he didn't see Liara storming up to him from the mess.

"What does she see in you?" Liara demanded.

"What?" Kaidan looked at her "What are you talking about?"

"The Commander, I want to know what she sees in you. I know what you see in her, because I see it too. I don't understand what she sees in you." She explained. She wasn't yelling or even raising her voice but Kaidan was pretty sure he didn't really want to have this conversation here, especially since they were so close to the Commander's cabin. Shepard might come to investigate if she heard voices and he had just gotten her to relax. He was pretty sure that she would not like the topic of this conversation either.

He took Liara by the arm and led her into the room behind the medical bay that she usually worked in. Lucky for him the doctor must be out and about on the ship, because she wasn't in med bay to witness the incident, which meant that Joker wouldn't find out, at least that is what he hoped.

"Okay now what is the problem?" Kaidan asked Liara.

"Well the Commander, I told her I had feelings for her, because I do, but she told me she didn't feel the same was about me. She just wants to be friends. She is friends with Ashley and Tali, I want more than that. Now you two seem to be closer now, and she appears to want you. I want to know why." She said.

"First, this is a private matter."

"But isn't it true?" she asked him.

"Well I … I mean yes, well it might be true, yes, but really Liara I don't think we should be talking about this. It's private." Kaidan explained.

"I understand its private Alenko, but I want to know why she would like you better then me? If she likes you why aren't you together? Why does everyone know about it but no one talk about it?" Liara was confused.

"Well," Kaidan tried to be patient. "The Commander and me, us, being together is against fraternization regulations. We are not allowed to be together while on duty serving together. There is also another aspect as she is my superior and not my equal. It's complicated. Just understand that we can't be talking about this and especially not in public."

"But you were just in the Commander's cabin."

Kaidan groaned, no one missed anything on this ship he though. "Yes I brought her tea, that's all."

"Oh." Liara's cheeks turned purple. "Tea, I am so sorry I thought… well I was envious I guess. I am sorry. But it still doesn't explain why she would choose you over me."

"Don't you know anything about love?" Kaidan asked. "You can't help who you fall in love with, you just do."

"So she loves you. That is nice." Liara said her voice going cold.

"Well lets be honest here, Shepard has never told me that she loves me. She has told me that she has feelings for me, which we are putting on hold, as I said which has taken a lot of control I might add. I have not told her that I love her, but I will tell you that I do and request you keep it to yourself please, as I would like to be the one to tell her one day. I am sure that she suspects as much anyway, but I want to be the one to say it to her first."

"Putting your feelings on hold, how can you do that? I don't understand. It's not right. She should be happy. I want her to be happy! No one should stop you."

Kaidan stopped her before she got too carried away.

"Liara," he tried to explain "Shepard's job makes her happy. To pursue any relationship now would mean that we would have to be separated, one of us would have to leave the ship and both of us would probably be censured. Since this is her ship, I would have to leave. What do you think that would do to me? I would have to leave the woman I love as she pursues the most dangerous adversary the universe has faced in fifty thousand years. How can I protect her if I am not with her?"

And Liara could see the anguish in his eyes. She watched as he balled his hands into fists. "I need to be near her so I can help protect her, which means we need to stay apart. I don't know if her feelings… I don't know if she feels as strongly about me, but because of how we are handling this, I suspect that she does."

Kaidan was a private man; these were his deepest thoughts that he had never shared with anyone, not even Shepard. It actually felt good to talk about it with someone. He did talk to Joker some, but never about this deep stuff, Joker wasn't able to keep his mouth shut.

He watched her as she thought about what he had said. "I think that I might understand a little better now what Shepard sees in you Kaidan. I am happy for her. She deserves to be happy, and I think she will be with you. Thank you for sharing this with me. I will… I will keep it safe for you." She said.

Relaxing with relief he said. "Thank you Liara, that means a lot to me."


	14. Chapter 14

Just a continuation of life on the Normandy. I needed there to be some human moments too. Warning, it's cute! Remember Bioware owns all. Enjoy!

* * *

**MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T GET INVOLVED**

Now they were back on the Citadel for a barrage of meetings as the mighty council hashed out what they wanted to do next. First they were running around scanning the keepers. It was for research and they were being paid to do it. Boy was Shepard angry when she found out it was illegal. Then again it really wasn't illegal for a Spectre, but she liked to remain within the law. When she finally gave those two scientists a piece of her mind it was all straightened out.

Then Kaidan found that one of the Quasar machines in Flux had been hacked and funds were being funneled from it. It took a bit of running around and it turned out that the culprit was an VI that then tried to blow them up. He and Shepard were able to disarm the bomb before it went off.

Then there was Conrad Varner. He was creepy. While he was talking to the Commander, Kaidan kept glaring at him, but Conrad didn't seem to notice, he only had eyes for the Commander. The first time they saw him, he asked her for an autograph, this time a picture. Kaidan wasn't too happy about that. The only picture Kaidan had of the Commander was from an old military magazine and she didn't know he had it. It would have been nice if he had one of her now.

Then they stopped in to check on Dr. Michel. They walked in just as she was being blackmailed. Shepard of course had to get involved. Luckily the blackmailer's lackey was just a stooge for some guy named Banes, so that was taken care of quickly.

The next day when they went to flux again (Shepard had wanted to dance and made him dance with Ashley too) one of the hostesses was worried about her sister and again Shepard had to get in the middle. She went to talk to the sister at Cora's Den, but that got her no where. As we were leaving a Turian bumped into the Commander almost knocking her down. He acted drunk, but then whispered something to her. Kaidan could make out C-Sec but that was it and he was right next to the Commander.

The male was found in C-Sec, and of course Shepard agreed to help him out since he let the hostess' sister get out of Cora's Den. It was an easy task, just pick up some mod. Shepard thought it would be funny to first tell that Jax guy he was under arrest, but then she told him she was only kidding. Kaidan thought she quite enjoyed that. Ashley was really disappointed that they hadn't gotten to shoot anyone.

Then we spoke with Admiral Kahoku about Armistad Banes and found out that the ship that had found Banes's body was missing. Shepard of course offered to go and find it. Just when you think you're done more shows up on your doorstep.

Then she met a man on the Citadel who's brother was missing with his ship. Shepard offered to check that out too. She also was approached by a reporter she helped earlier to get information on traffic controllers. It made some money, but Kaidan didn't think she should be getting this involved with all these private complaints.

While Ashley was trying to make a deal on some upgrades Kaidan took the time to pull Shepard aside and talk with her. He was starting to get a headache and was getting irritable.

"Hey Shepard do you think it is a good idea us taking on all these little jobs here?" he asked.

"Well first off, some of them paid well." She explained. "Second some of the people like Garoth, don't have anywhere else to turn. Since we are stuck waiting for Udina or the Council to find us more information anyway, we have nothing better to do. I don't know but I just like to help people."

She smiled at him. He realized that this is one of the things he loved about her so he let it go, but not before grabbing her hand and giving it a squeeze and letting it go quickly so no one would notice. She rewarded him with a bigger smile then turned and walked back towards Ashley.

As Shepard walked back towards Ashley she thought that she really needed something nice to wear if they were ever going to go out on a date. He kept talking about when they had shore leave, she didn't have anything to wear but dress uniforms and dress casuals. She would like him to see her in something nice, even though she hadn't worn anything like that for years. She turned back to look at Kaidan, as if she was aftaid he could hear her thoughts instead she saw him rubbing his head. "You getting a headache Kaidan."

"I'll be okay."

Ashley had finished her sale and walked up next to Shepard. "No, you need to take care of yourself, let's get you back to the ship. Ash and I have some more shopping to do. Maybe Tali and Liara can come with us."

* * *

While they went up in the elevator Ashley turned her back on them and Shepard was able to give Kaidan a quick kiss. It was a little thing she liked to do, and it had originally been Ashley's idea. "You know Skipper, to keep him interested" she had said.

When they got to the ship Ashley went to search for Tali and Shepard followed Kaidan to med bay to get Liara. Kaidan's migraine was getting worse and the little bit of noise on the ship was excruciating.

When they got into med bay Dr. Chakwas looked up and saw him and knew right away what the problem was, she lowered the lights from the console on her desk and went to get his medicine. Shepard helped him get out of his armor and lay on the bed as the doctor returned with the shot.

"Sorry" Kaidan said to Shepard as the doctor administered the shot.

"You just feel better." she told him and his eyes closed as the medication started to take effect.

"Hey doc do you need to stay here while he is here?" she asked.

"No, Kaidan will sleep for a while now and should he need another treatment it wouldn't be for at least six hours, why?" Dr. Chakwas answered.

"Well Ash and I are going girl shopping and we would like you to come."

"That would be nice, okay lets go."

"Let me just see if Liara would like to come too." Shepard said as she headed towards the storage area.

* * *

As they entered the area on the Citadel with the more feminine shops, Shepard with Ashley, Liara, Tali and Chakwas in tow headed towards a large dress shop.

"What's the plan Skipper?" Ashley asked.

"I need a dress." Shepard answered.

"A what?"

"A dress, if I am going to go on a date, I need a dress." Shepard said. "I need you all to help me find one that hides the fact that I am more comfortable in armor."

"When are you going on a date?" Liara wanted to know.

"When this is all over and I get shore leave I hope to have a date." Shepard said.

"With Lieutenant Alenko right?" Tali asked.

Shepard stopped dead and Ashley almost crashed into her. "Okay, I know that you all know, and I know that we aren't supposed to talk about it, but we are not on the ship now. Don't talk about it in front of the Alliance crew, and if anyone talks to Joker about it I will shoot you, but yes with Kaidan. I would like to look like a woman for once and not a guy, it that so bad?"

"No Shepard I think that is perfectly normal" Dr. Chakwas said as she started heading towards the dress shop again getting the rest to move forward again.

As they entered the shop they were greeted by an asari woman "Hello ladies and what can I do for you today?"

They all turned to Shepard who then turned red. "Uh, I need a dress."

"Okay, well what kind of dress do you need?" she asked.

"She wants to go on a date." Liara said.

"She wants to look hot." Ashley added.

"Wait I...." Shepard said.

"It must be tasteful." Chakwas added.

"And bring out the blue in her eyes" Tali said.

"Well I think I might have just the thing over here. Something that will bring out the blue in her eyes that will not make her light skin look too pale. A dress plain enough not to mess with the sensibilities of a soldier and loose enough to carry a weapon underneath if needed. Tight enough to intrigue a male on the top, but just long enough not to get in the way. Here try it on." She held up a blue dress that was exactly as she described.

So Shepard went into the dressing room and Ashley followed. When Shepard had her clothes off Ashley started to hand her the dress and then stopped. "Skipper if your going to do this you have to do it all the way." and she turned and opened the door to the dressing room and called to the sales girl "We are going to need fancy underwear too."

"Oh, yes" Dr Chakwas said "Something elegant and lacy."

"No, lace itches." Shepard said. "No lace please Ash."

"No something silky." Ashley said.

"Oh, silky is nice." Liara said.

"Yes, silky would be okay." Chakwas said.

The sales lady had started to pull out things from a drawer while they kept expounding on the qualities they wanted Shepards underwear to have. She found a set that would match the dress that was just the Commander's size and handed it to Ashley.

"Hey where can she get shoes for this?" She asked the girl before she could close the door.

"We have a complete catalog of shoes here in the store that she could look at."

Shepard groaned "shoes Ash? This was not such a good idea."

"Yes it was Skipper it was a great idea, don't worry, I think I have an idea of what you could wear that won't be too uncomfortable for you. Give me your boots."

Shepard took off her boots and handed them to Ashley. Ashley in turn handed them to the sales lady. "I am thinking a sandal, little or no heal, thicker straps but not too high, feminine that would match the dress." she told the woman.

"Yes that would be good for someone used to combat boots, I think I have just the thing." She went off to get the shoes.

Shepard had got on the underwear and was working on getting the dress on when Ashley had turned. Ashley helped her finish getting dressed and stepped back as the girl knocked on the door again and handed in the shoes. Ash helped Shepard put on the sandals and then she stood up.

"Perfect!" Ashley stated, then she herded Shepard out the door so the others could see.

"If that doesn't make his head turn, I don't know what will." Dr. Chakwas said as Shepard walked out of the dressing room.

"Oh Shepard, you look beautiful." Liara added.

"That color really does bring out your eyes." Tali observed.

Shepard turned to look in the mirror to see what they were all seeing. She saw the short sleeve plain dress cling to the torso and then flare out from the hips down. The dress was really nice and simple and she really liked the way it looked. Then she took in her whole reflection. She just stared at the mirror. She was quiet for so long Ashley started to get worried.

"What's the matter Skipper, don't you like it?" she asked.

Shepard said in a small voice "I look like a girl."

"No," Dr. Chakwas told her "you look like a lady."

Shepard turned and looked into the eyes of her friends and saw their approval, then turned to Tali and asked her "What do you think, Tali?" because she couldn't tell by looking at her face.

"I think he will love you in that." Tali told her, and the others nodded their heads.

Shepard turned to the asari and said "I'll take it."


	15. Chapter 15

Silliness and Friendships. Bioware owns all! If your curious about the joke it is aliens watching an earthling play golf, miss & curse several times before getting it in the whole.

* * *

**Daily Life**

"Uh-oh cover your ears he's going to be really mad now"!

"So why is that funny Joker?" Garrus asked.

"Because the ball is supposed to go into the hole." Joker said laughing. He didn't notice that no one else was."

"What is he talking about?" Shepard asked Kaidan who was sitting next to her. They had finished dinner and were all still sitting around the table talking. Kaidan had his hand on her leg under the table and he thought no one knew, but she was pretty sure Ashley who was sitting on the other side of him did. Just the connection made her feel good, probably made him feel good too.

"I have no Idea, could it be a game or something?" He said.

"A game with holes, what is the point?" Ashley said.

"Don't you guys know anything? Don't you read like books or anything?" Joker said.

"Actually Joker, I read Medical journals, magazines and things like that." Doctor Chakwas told him.

"Yeah, I read old western novels." Ashley told him.

"Actually, I read a lot of old novels of science fiction, horror and fantasy." Shepard said "They don't talk about any holes. Well wait there is one with a black hole, but not on earth."

"I like hero tales, mysteries and military stories. Yeah, no holes." Kaidan said.

"I assume you don't expect what Liara, Garrus or I read would have these holes in them Joker." Tali told him.

"Never mind, a joke isn't funny if you have to explain it." Joker said exasperated.

"Oh, you were trying to be funny, I didn't realize that. I thought that really happened." Liara told him.

Joker just covered his face and groaned since everyone was now laughing.

"You know, I really enjoy these conversations that we have every night." Shepard said, "But we better get some sleep, we get to the Sparta system in the morning. We have to find the missing marines. Ash, you and Garrus with me, okay?"

"Sure Skipper, I'll be ready." Everyone started to get up, but when Shepard tried to rise, Kaidan squeezed her leg so she stayed seated.

When the others were far enough away he leaned in closer and said "Why Ash and not me."

"Three major migraines in five days, you need a rest." she looked at him.

"Doctor's orders?"

"No, just mine, although I am sure that if I asked her she would make it an order." she said.

"So your just doing this because you care?" Kaidan wanted to know.

"Yeah, pretty much." she smiled at him.

He squeezed her leg again, "now that, I can live with. Good Night Commander." he got up to leave.

"Good night, Kaidan, see you in the gym in the morning."

* * *

They located the distress call on the Planet Edolus. Joker dropped them in the mako and Shepard had Garrus drive right towards the beacon. There was something odd on her geo maps, it was a flat plain, but she didn't see any tunnels on the map. It screamed thresher maw to her. "Garrus stop at the edge of the plain area here." she showed him on her omni tool the area she wanted him to stop at, a ridge overlooking the plain.

"Sure Shepard." Garrus told her and headed for the plain.

"So did you tell him about the dress?" Ashley asked.

"No."

"Don't you tell him anything?"

"It would ruin the surprise." Shepard said.

"Skipper, I don't think it matters if you tell him, when he sees you in that dress he is going to be surprised." Ash laughed.

"Shepard, are you going to wear a dress?" Garrus asked.

"Yes Garrus, some day in the future I plan to wear a dress."

"What kind of dress?" he asked.

"A blue one that brings out her eyes." Ashley supplied.

"Enough about the dress!" Shepard snapped and Garrus and Ashley laughed at her. "You guys better stop teasing me." she told them. "I have guns!"

"Okay, Skipper, Okay." Ashley said.

"There is the plain area just ahead." Garrus advised, "and I'm sorry Shepard."

"Let's just forget it, please." she told him as she looked through the viewer for the mako. She had to adjust the controls. It looked like a vehicle in the middle of the plain. There were dark spots next to the vehicle. She zoomed into the vehicle. Yes it was an M29 Grizzly and there were bodies around it.

"Garrus, approach slowly there are dead bodies there and I have a feeling that there is a maw here."

Garrus knew she had a sense of the thresher maws so he listened to her and expected the maw when it finally came to the surface. Working in tandem with the Commander they made quick work of the thresher maw. They checked on the Marines but they were long dead. Shepard left the beacon on so the Alliance could pick up the bodies. They checked out a couple of other sights and surveyed three ore deposits, but the mood was melancholy because of the deaths.

* * *

Kaidan was waiting in the mess at the table for them after they cleaned up. There was a big tray of sandwiches and juice for each of them except for a glass of milk that Shepard preferred.

"I figured you guys would be hungry." He said to Ashley and Garrus as they entered the mess. "Where's Shepard?"

"You'd be right, we are, and she's right behind us. She wanted to make sure a vessel was sent to recover the bodies." Garrus told him.

"Hey you know Garrus that new upgraded heat sink worked great on my AR." and just like that Ash and Garrus were off on another one of their upgrade debates. Kaidan sat watching them until Shepard walked in a few minutes later and plopped down next to him.

"Is this for me" she pointed to the milk.

"Yes it is" he told her.

"Thank you, and Hi." she said taking a drink of the milk. He loved watching her drink milk, she would take some in her mouth and close her eyes and savor it, like a fine wine. She swallowed opened her eyes and looked at him. "That is good, not as good as fresh, but good just the same."

She looked over at Garrus and Ashley who were eating and now in a seriously heavy debate and paying no attention to Shepard or Kaidan. "How long have they been at it."

"Since they sat down." he said.

She reached for a sandwich and he grabbed her hand. "Not that one, has mayo, take from the other side they have mustard." he said releasing her hand.

"Thanks, was hoping to avoid a visit to med bay today anyway." she laughed. She was allergic to eggs which meant she couldn't eat mayo either. She took a bite of the newly selected sandwich. "So did you have fun today?" She asked him.

"I wouldn't say fun, but I did like you asked and I took it easy."

"Good. You know I really thought that you were going to fight me on this."

"You're the Commander. I follow your orders." he told her.

"Not usually so easily, what gives?"

"Well" he looked at Ashley and Garrus to make sure that they weren't paying attention, and to be honest they were actually getting louder. "I thought that you caring about my health was a gift, and I didn't want to not accept it."

She narrowed her eyes at him suspiciously. "What do you mean?" she asked.

"You said you were worried about me. You worry about me but you don't usually admit it. This time you did with out any hesitation. That meant a lot to me. So I didn't argue. I wouldn't have won anyway."

"No, you wouldn't have won, but sometimes I think you argue just to spend extra time with me." she told him.

"Drat now you know my secret, I will have to think of another." he laughed at her. He put his hand on her thigh and gave a little squeeze. She covered his hand with hers, and he smiled at her.

Shepard realized that it had gotten quiet across the table and she looked over at Ashley and Garrus who were both grinning at her (or at least she thought Garrus was, she still didn't have his expressions down yet). "What are you too looking at?" she asked.

"That was much more interesting then upgrades, wasn't it Garrus?" Ashley said.

"Yes quite educational. Tell me do you humans always turn pink when you are caught being observed in a personal exchange. Because you two are so pink right now..."

"That's it!" Shepard snapped. "I am getting my gun, I am sick and tired of my every action being scrutinized by everyone." she got up and headed for the elevator. Ashley followed giggling close behind since she knew that Shepard's guns were downstairs waiting to be cleaned, and wasn't so sure that she wasn't serious.

"Hey Kaidan, I have a question for you." Garrus said.

"Nothing private about Shepard, right."

"Well it's about Shepard, but I don't know if it's private, I don't think so, she was talking about it in the mako in front of me, so no I don't think it is personal." Garrus said.

"Okay, what?"

"Why would she not want you to know she purchased a dress?"

"A what!"

"Yes, Ashley said she got a dress, and asked her why she didn't she tell you about the dress. Shepard said it would ruin the surprise, but Ashley said you would be surprised anyway when you saw her in it."

"What kind of dress?" Kaidan asked trying to sort through the pictures that were racing through his head.

"A blue one" Garrus told him. "Does that matter?"

"No I don't think so." Kaidan told him as all the pictures in his head now turned blue. _Why did she buy a dress_ he wondered. Well if she wanted it to be a surprise, he would leave it at that, but now he had pictures of removing said dress running thorough his head. "Thanks Garrus, I'll see you at dinner." he got up and headed towards his station.

"Yeah, see you later Kaidan." and he headed for the elevator.


	16. Chapter 16

Remember Bioware owns all. Thank you to everyone that is enjoying the ride, I really like knowing your enjoying it. Remember if you hate it that's okay too, just blame me.

* * *

**Everyday**

The crew had a few days of shore leave so they were doing okay having relieved stress. It seems that whenever they stop at the Citadel it always takes longer then expected. She had to notify Admiral Kahoku about his dead marines. He didn't take it well, she wouldn't have either, it was obviously an ambush. Then of course this time the Alliance wanted to hash out the report she filed so she was at meetings for three days. Shepard was just so happy to be moving again and away from the politics of the Citadel.

She was glad that the all night drinking bouts would be curved too. Before they left Garrus and Wrex had gone out for one more bout and must have brought some back with them. That night they came up from the lower level and were trying to find out (very loudly) what she wore under her armor, by waking Kaidan up and asking him.

When she went out to find out what the racket was, Kaidan looked her right in the eye and said "Don't you know gentlemen, the Commander doesn't wear nothing under her armor." It shut them both up and everyone turned to Shepard, who was obviously the only one who got the double negative.

Garrus, when he saw the Commander, was at least sober enough to realize he would be in trouble in the morning and pushed Wrex towards the Med bay so Chakwas could get them sober. The rest of the marines that had been woken up made a mad scurry to get back in their pods lest she get angry at them.

Kaidan led her over towards his work station.

Ashley came over to them and said to Kaidan "I can't believe you told them that she wore nothing under her armor, L T."

"He didn't." Shepard laughed.

"Yes he did, Skipper, I heard him."

"Right" Kaidan said "you heard me say that the Commander DOESN'T wear NOTHING under her armor."

"That means I do wear something under my armor but doesn't say what."

"Yeah but how does he know what you wear under your armor?" Ashley eyed her sternly thinking she had been left out of some really hot secret.

"Well, I don't know that he does," she glanced at Kaidan "but I would hasten to say that since he is the Medic, he could probably even tell us what you wear under your armor." Shepard said.

Ashley's eyes got big and she made a round oh with her mouth. "You know Skipper that never dawned on me." And she left with a smile on her face that looked mighty suspicious.

Shepard turned to Kaidan and said "Tomorrow check the lower level and make sure they don't have any more booze hidden anywhere. I hate to get woken up again with another stupid question like that."

"Good Idea. You realize that Ashley is going to use that information you gave her to get Wrex and Garrus some how."

She took his hand and gave it a squeeze, then as she turned to leave said "oh yes, at the most inopportune moment she is going to ask you what they wear under their armor. I can't wait to see that." She turned back to see the look of shock on Kaidan's face.

"Yeah" she chuckled "that's going to be great." She turned and left.

* * *

The next morning after gym and her shower she went to the check the navigation charts to find some system they haven't checked for geth activity when Joker advised her of a call from Admiral Kahoku. The admiral advised that the group that orchestrated the ambush of his marines was named Cerberus and that they had set up a base in the Voyager Cluster. She had Joker head there.

Binthu in the Yangtze System was a poisonous little planet high carbon levels and toxic chlorine and sulphur dioxide acid rain. They found the base in the north just past a mineral deposit (that had to be surveyed of course). There were turrets on the top and they had biotics and soldiers inside. They took down the base and when they looked behind the force field there were those little green rachni workers that were easily disposed of. They found a really fine amp upgrade for Alenko in one of the cabinets. When he accessed one of the computer he found there were two more bases on the planet. The second they went to was similar to the first but they had thorian creepers behind the force field. At the third base It wasn't the rachni soldier that made it worse then the other bases, but the fact that Admiral Kahoku's body was there. It looked like he was murdered and not by the rachni soldier either. They were able to find the location of another the home base so they headed over to the Columbia System to find the planet Nepheron.

* * *

Shepard was sitting in the mess before dinner studying the map for the planet Nepheron. Kaidan was watching her look at the maps from his work station. He saw a small smile appear on her face and he knew that she found the evidence of a thresher maw on the planet. He smiled to himself because liked the idea that he knew what she was thinking.

Garrus, Tali, Ashley and Wrex came up and joined Shepard at the table once they picked up their dinner. Liara and Dr. Chakwas followed a few minutes later. Kaidan finished up the problem he was working on then picked up his dinner along with hers and went over to the table and sat next to her on the end. Joker joined them a few minutes after that.

"So you found a thresher maw, huh?" he asked her.

"How did you know?" She eyed him suspiciously "did you check the maps already?"

"Nope" he put some food in his mouth and she watched him as he finished chewing and swallow waiting for him to say more. "I just know that you did." And he smiled at her and continued eating. "Eat your dinner."

Shepard looked at him and then looked up at his work station. Then she narrowed her eyes at him and said "You were watching me again, that's how you know." He just smiled as he kept eating.

"I have a question" Dr. Chakwas said when they had finished eating. "What simple thing makes you just feel good? You know, it could be a person or something you like to do, or something you like to see. For example I love the feel of a soft strong wind in my face."

"Oh I know," Liara said. "I like the feeling of sand or dirt sliding through my fingers, it's soft and it flows. That is something simple I like."

"I like something like that" Wrex said, "There is this rock on Tuchanka that if you pinch it between you fingers just right it falls apart and runs down your hand like water. I like the way that feels when you destroy that rock."

"When I went to Earth once I was by the ocean. I loved the smell of it, so that's what I like, the smell of the ocean on Earth." Shepard told them. Kaidan filed that away for future reference.

"I like the feeling of water running down my back, like in a shower, but a waterfall is better. I was once on this world where they had this nice beautiful waterfall and I could stand under it for what would seem like hours." Ashley told them.

"I like the feeling of acceleration when you hit a mass relay. I always love that feeling." Joker said.

Kaidan was thinking really hard about what to say. It was such a simple question, but almost every answer he came up with revolved around Shepard. He liked to watch her drink milk, or smell hot tea, to look in her eyes, or her smile. How could he tell them that his simple things lately all revolved around her.

Garrus said "I like when I am putting something back together, when that last piece snaps in place, when it just fits into place, yes, that is what I like."

"I like the sound of the Normandy's engines. They are very relaxing. At first I found them too quiet, but now I find them quite comforting." Tali said.

"Well I like to watch sunsets" Kaidan said taking something he remembered from the last time he was at his parent's house. "Especially over water, it's very nice and calming."

"Okay so now we know a simple thing that each other enjoys or makes them feel good, it now means something to you. For example every time the wind hits your face, you will think of me. If you pick up a clump of dirt and pinch it and it falls apart in your hands you'll think of Liara or Wrex. In this way your friends will always be with you. " Dr. Chakwas explained to them.

"What made you think of this doc?" Ashley asked her.

"I was reading an article in one of the journals that explained how people make connections with other people. For example If I like a song and I tell you I like that song, and you like me, the next time you hear the song you will think of me." Dr. Chakwas explained. "So I thought since we were all friends and spent a lot of time together it would be nice for us to share something of ourselves and make memories for our friends. You'll see, you won't look at a sunset, or see a waterfall, or even feel the mass relay acceleration without thinking of the people at this table."

"You know, this is a pretty cool gift you gave us doc." Shepard said.

"Yes, I know" she smiled at them all. They chatted for quite a while about the things they had learned about each other. It was getting late.

"Well we have a base to attack in the morning, so we should get some sleep." Shepard told everyone. "See you in the morning." And they all got up said good night and went their separate ways.


	17. Chapter 17

Bioware owns all. Enjoy! This one is short, the next one, yeah, not so much.

* * *

**INCURSION**

They were advised of a possible per-invasion incursion of some Geth in the Armstrong Nebula, so the Normandy was heading there.

There were actually five worlds with Geth on them. Only two of the worlds had thresher maw, much to Kaidan's relief and Shepard disappointment. In the end they got some really good data on the Geth. Shepard was sitting in the Mess writing her report. She started doing that again because they could sit and talk with everyone watching and the rumors wouldn't go flying around. The consequences to all this were they were hardly ever alone anymore so there was no real problem with the regs, much to Kaidan's disappointment.

They were sitting at the table having coffee and Shepard was writing up her report. Ashley, Garrus and Wrex were at the other end of the table having a bite to eat and chatting away. Shepard put down the data pad she was working on and took a drink of her coffee.

"Tali asked me for a copy of the Geth data I downloaded for her Pilgrimage gift to the Flotilla" she told Kaidan in a low voice.

"Yeah, I can see how she might want that. It would be a special prize. Well what are you going to do, or did you do?"

"What do you think about it" she asked, not answering his question.

"Well I think you should give it to her, I mean it wasn't classified information when we found it, and she was there, she could have gotten it herself. Heck it isn't even classified information until the Alliance actually gets it." He said.

"Good I am glad we are on the same page about this."

"So are you going to give it to her?" he asked.

"Oh, I already did, I just wanted to see what your thoughts were on it." She looked at him "Sometimes you want confirmation that you made the right choice. It always helps to find out that someone you respect agrees with you." She smiled at him and then went back to writing her report. He just sat there keeping her company for a while reading through some of the other daily reports on another data pad.

Joker's voice came over the speaker. "Commander, there is a message from the Council for you in the Conference room."

"Okay Joker, I will be there in a minute." She got up and left Kaidan the data pad with the report so he could read it.

She was back shortly and walked over to where the others were sitting motioning to Kaidan to join them. Tali walked in a few seconds later and Liara come out of the med bay so she had obviously had Joker tell everyone to meet her in the Mess.

"The council has just received a message on an encoded frequency. The message is unreadable but came in on a frequency reserved for emergencies only. They have an investigative team there and there must be a problem. The council wants us to check this out. I think this might be what we were waiting for. I think this might have something to do with Saren and the Geth. I will tell you that I am getting a bad feeling about this." She told them.

They asked her questions but the lack of information was just overwhelming.

"It isn't like we haven't gone into situations blind before" Garrus pointed out. "We'll see what is going on and see what we can do to fix it."

That pretty much ended the question and answer session. "Joker, are you listening?" Shepard said.

"Yes, Commander" he answered.

"Take us to Vimire, fast and quiet."

"Yes, Ma'am."


	18. Chapter 18

This is the first of two chapters dealing with the aftermath of Vimire. They are not happy chapters but they are full of ... well you'll see if you want to read them. Remember Bioware owns all. If you enjoy them I am happy. If you hate them remember, blame me. I won't be happy, but I'll cope. Now we bring you...

* * *

**DEATH OF A FRIEND**

Standing on the bridge of the Normandy, Shepard watched the timer countdown to zero. She shut her eyes. She could hear Joker straining to make sure the ship was out of range of the backlash of the bomb. Her heart was in her throat. _Goodbye Ash, see you soon _she thought. And her best friend in the universe, other than Kaidan, was gone.

She went to med bay to check on Kaidan. He had taken a shot to his side and was sedated, lucky for him. Chakwas advised her that he would be ready for the debriefing in about eight hours. Shepard nodded her head, "I'll be back before he wakes up." She walked over to the bed and kissed him on the cheek then left to write her report.

Shepard told Joker to let everyone know they should get some sleep that they would have the debriefing in the morning. She went to her cabin to write up her report. She had bitter thoughts about a conversation she had with the Council where they told her she would have to make sacrifices. _Some choice - between my two best friends in the world _she thought. She knew that Generations of Commanders have had to make the same choice. She had sent soldiers to their death before, but that didn't make it any easier. In the end, she remembered that Ashley had wanted her to be happy. She pushed her grief deep down so it wouldn't overwhelm her. She saved the report to finish later and tried to get some sleep.

* * *

After the debriefing Shepard walked around the ship talking to everyone. She made sure that everyone was doing as well as could be expected. They were all missing Ashley but seemed to be handling it well. Where there were tears she gave support. Where there was anger she turned it in the right direction. Kaidan was hit really hard because he knew it was Ashley or him. There was no way Shepard could have left Kaidan behind. It was selfish yes, but even if she wouldn't admit it to anyone, even herself, it was love. If anyone knew how she really felt about Kaidan, it was Ashley. She finished up the Report and wrote personal letters to Ashley's family.

Her duty was done.

"Joker?"

"Yes Commander"

"I do not want to be disturbed. If you need anything contact Pressley"

"Okay Commander"

She turned off her comm and put her omni tool on her desk. Walking out of her office she thought _okay now I needed a place to be alone without interuption_. That wasn't easy to find on this ship, but she had an idea. She asked Dr. Chakwas to have Garrus and Wrex come up to the med bay to make sure their medical files were in order. Once she was alone in the weapons bay, she climbed up into the mako. Garrus could come back and he wouldn't even know she was in there. And no one would be able to hear her crying, not even Joker.

* * *

"What do you mean she doesn't want to be disturbed? I have looked all over for her and I can't find her. She isn't answering her comm. Where is she Joker?" Kaidan was getting worried. Shepard had checked on all of them, but no one had checked on her. He knew he had upset her by bringing up her choosing him over Ashley at the debriefing in front of everyone. He knew she didn't like emotional desplays in front of anyone, even if it was the squad and they all knew. He was upset that Ashley was dead and he wanted justification for it. Maybe he should have waited, but he hadn't and now was too late.

"She told me she didn't want to be disturbed. I told you that five times already! Hey Kaidan, I don't know where she is, have you tried to ping her omni tool?"

"Yes it is in her quarters, but she isn't there. I even went into the ladies' bathroom/ shower. She isn't there either. She is not in the Gym. I've been everywhere from engineering to med bay to the bridge. No one has seen her in over three hours."

"Yeah well I got the feeling that she just wanted to be alone, maybe you should stop looking, it's not like she got off the ship or anything. She's here, she has just discovered someplace to be alone, somewhere you just haven't found, that's all. She's just hiding."

"She's hiding, where could she be hiding?" he asked himself out loud.

"You've got me, I don't think you can ever be alone on this ship. Strange people come up to your workstation and ask stupid questions and blame you when they can't find their girlfriends"

"Yeah, not funny today, Joker"

"Hey, Your not the only one that lost Ashley, we all did. We're all hurting here. Stop being such a nitwit."

"A what?"

"It's an old earth saying, the commander taught me she said it means stupid or silly. Your being both right now."

"Never mind" he told Joker and he went back to look around again. He had looked everywhere. Joker is right there is no way she could have left the ship without someone knowing, they were in the middle of space. They would have had warnings if someone had opened an escape hatch, and he was pretty sure she wasn't feeling suicidal anyway. Homicidal maybe, but not suicidal.

Walking up to him Garrus advised "She isn't in any of the escape pods either, I looked" having offered to help when Kaidan found him in the med bay earlier, he continued "I opened each one and went inside them. She just isn't there."

When he found Garrus and Wrex in the medbay Dr Chakwas had said she was updating files and needed Garrus and Wrex to make sure their files were up to date. She said the Commander had asked her to… _Wait! That was it! She wanted them out of the weapons bay._

"Thanks Garrus but I know where she is now. You go and get some rest."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, Garrus, I'm sure I know where she is now."

* * *

He went down to the weapons bay that was now empty because everyone who worked down here was in bed. He walked over to the mako, it was the only place he hadn't thought to check. He climbed up on top and opened the hatch and climbed in.

"Did you know that there is nowhere to go to get any privacy on this ship" she said in the dark. He was glad she spoke because it let him know where she was sitting. He hit the emergency lights.

She was on the floor of the mako in the space left for any extra cargo or weapons. Sitting cross legged she had her head down and her hands in her lap. He could tell she had been crying, he could hear it in her voice. He climbed down and walked over to her and sat down next to her. He took her in his arms and she started to cry again. He held her and comforted her until her sobs quieted down.

He heard her voice from his chest. "I am going to miss her so much" she sobbed.

"Yes, I am going to miss her too."

"She knew, she knew I would choose you over her. She knew I had no other choice. She once told me to never let you go, did you know that?"

"No, I didn't know that. She told you, no regrets. It was the last thing she said to you. She was telling you that she knew and she didn't blame you. Ash was a soldier and a friend. Ash loved you, you know that."

"Yes I know. I loved her too. She is my friend. I need her here."

"I know, Shepard, I know."

"How am I going to get things worked out without her. Especially the girl stuff?"

"We'll figure it out Shepard."

He pulled her into his lap. She moved so she could bring her face closer to his. She put her arms around his neck and put her cheek on his. He could feel the wetness against his cheek and he hugged her tight. She then moved one of her arms behind his back and put her face against his neck but she didn't sob, she just laid there with her head on his shoulder breathing into his neck. He felt tears running down his neck. For a while he held her rubbing her back and trying to keep her calm. Finally he felt her relax, her breathing had slowed.

"Shepard, are you asleep?" he asked softly.

"No, not asleep" she told him. She pulled away from his neck and looked at his face.

"I'm sorry Kaidan."

"Sorry, sorry for what?"

"I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough not to cry. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough not to need you. I am sorry because even if I took the emotions out of it, I still would have chosen you. You were with the bomb, you were the biotic, it was the logical choice. But I don't think I could live if I caused your death. I am also sorry I didn't realize before Ashley died how much she meant to me. Mostly I am sorry I couldn't save you both."

He held her face in his hands and gently kissed her lips "Shepard, you will never have to apologize to me. I will always miss Ashley. She was a shining star and she opened up your heart to me. Without her I don't think any of us would have gotten so close. I'm also glad that you need me." He kissed her gently again. She put her head back down on his shoulder and he comforted her some more. He was sure his grief would come, but right now the woman in his arms needed him more.

He felt his shoulder get wet, she was crying again, but this time it was a silent cry, just tears. It went on for quite a while. Finally she sat up and wiped her eyes. She just sat there for a few minutes staring into space. He kept rubbing her back, supporting her.

He gave her a while to collect herself, then he asked "Are we ready to join the living again?"

"Yes, I think so." She moved out of his lap and onto the floor. He got up from the floor and she looked up at him "Thank you for being there for me."

"I always will be Shepard" and he bent down and kissed her lips again and then helped her get up.

As they climbed down from the mako Shepard said "Joker I am back online"

"Hey Commander Lieutenant Alenko is looking for you something awful."

She looked at Kaidan, smiled weakly and grabbed his hand. "Yeah Joker, I know, he found me, thanks."


	19. Chapter 19

Shepard is still hurting but Kaidan is there helping her get through it. Remember Bioware owns all. Thanks for coming for the ride.

* * *

**Saddness**

Life goes on, so the next day then went to check on Garoth's missing brother and found that the MSV Majesty had been disabled and there was a radiation trail to Xawin. They discovered a Privateer base and cleaned it out. It took a while because they had two krogen battlemasters. They found Garoth's brother's dead body in one of the back rooms.

Then when they went to investigate a beacon the walked right into a geth ambush. It took a long while to destroy them all.

They found three mineral deposits and a thresher maw. Kaidan noticed that she showed no joy in killing the thresher maw at all this time. She did it almost by rote. He realized as he thought about it she was taking the whole day by rote, he didn't notice until she didn't respond to the thresher maw. It was like she was working on autopilot. While they were waiting for Joker to pick them up he took her hand and gave it a squeeze. She looked at him and gave him a thin weak smile that disappeared almost as fast as it appeared.

It had been a long day, when they finally got picked up and they were all tired. They went to the mess hall and had a quick bite to eat and were joined by the rest of the squad. Shepard was quiet all through the meal. Liara figured out they needed to go to Ilos, but a call came in from the Council for them to return to the Citadel. There was nothing else to do tonight so they went to bed.

* * *

The next morning Kaidan entered the gym as he has been for the past few months expecting to find her doing her stretches. She always beat him to the gym even if he got up early. Instead he found her sitting on the practice mat cross legged with her back to the door. He went over and sat down in front of her, she didn't lift her head.

"So... it's morning already?" she asked.

"Uh, yes it's morning. Shepard how long have you been in here?"

"Since 2200 hrs I think. Maybe a little earlier I couldn't sleep. I thought if I came down and ran I would get tired. I ran for a long time, I'm still not tired…"she shook her head "or maybe too tired, I don't know which. I can't stop thinking of Ashley." She told him.

He reached his hand under her chin to lift her face so he could see it. There were tears running down her face and dark circles under her eyes. "Have you been crying all night too?" He asked.

She shook her head "No, not all night, only every once in a while my eyes tear. I'm fine really, it will pass."

"You're not fine Shepard, you're sad and you're over tired. You will be fine soon, once you get some sleep, but you're not fine now." He pulled her into his lap and cuddled her in his arms. He held her there until the tears stopped again. The silent tears were harder on him then her crying had been.

"How about I get you up to bed. We're still over 12 hours from the Citadel so you can get some sleep and still be okay for the meeting with the council. Pressley can take care of anything that needs to be done, okay?"

"I don't know if I will ever sleep again, what if I see her face? What if she hates me?"

"When you see her face, she will be smiling and happy to see you. She could never hate you. Now come on please, you need to get some sleep."

"Alright. I don't want any drugs to make me sleep, agreed." She sat up and looked at him.

He looked her face over, tear streaks on her cheeks and dark circles that stood out more because her skin was so light. "You don't need a drugged sleep, you need real sleep" he reassured her.

He helped her up "Is that an agreement?" she asked him.

"Yes, that is an agreement, no drugs, okay? Shepard, think about it, Ashley would never blame you for her death, you know that. Your said it yourself, this is all Saren's fault. Saren's and Sovereign's fault and not yours or anyone else."

She put her head down again "okay, your right" she answered quietly.

He gave her a hug, then he put one hand on her back and with the other he took her hand and led her back to her cabin. As he led her across the room to the bed, he suddenly turned and threw her arms around him and kissed him. There was desperateness in the kiss, he returned it greedily. Just when he felt he was reaching a point where he would have to stop her, she finished the kiss and pulled away from him. She looked in his eyes and touched his cheek.

"Thank you" she told him.

He took her by the shoulders and eased her down onto the bed then stood up. He started to pull the sheet up to cover her.

"Kaidan, can you lay with me until I fall asleep? I mean just lay here with me. I just need…" but Shepard couldn't bring herself to finish.

She looked so lost laying there so he said "okay, until your asleep then." He walked to the other side of the bed and lay down on his back. She turned to her side and put her head on his shoulder. He moved so she was actually nestled in the crook of his arm and he held her. She put her other hand on his chest. He laid there listened to her breath for a bit when he suddenly felt her hand move on his chest. He looked down and she was rubbing her thumb from knuckle to nail with her index finger and then her index finger from top joint over nail with her thumb, back and forth quickly. She called it shining her thumb it was similar to twiddling your thumbs but it was one handed. It was something small she did when she was stressed. He took his hand and put it over her smaller one to still the movement.

"Shepard, just relax, really. Come on and take a couple of deep breaths." And they took some deep breaths together.

"Now try again to go to sleep, please, for me?" he asked her.

"I'm trying." She said quietly.

"Just relax, just listen to my breathing, concentrate on that. Don't think of anything else." He told her.

He was monitoring her breath so he knew exactly when she finally slipped into sleep. He lay there a bit longer to make sure she wasn't fitful and in a deeper sleep so that he could get up without waking her. He lifted himself up to move her and she turned over by herself in her sleep effectively freeing him.

He got up from the bed gently so he wouldn't wake her, put the sheet over her and left the room.

* * *

He then walked right into med bay to talk to Dr. Chakwas.

"Dr. Chakwas the Commander hasn't slept for over 25 hours at least, possibly longer. I need you to tell Pressley that no one should bother her for the next 8 or 9 hours, I just got her to sleep and I would like he to get at least that many hours sleep. Could you do that for me?"

"I can do that for you and her. Do you think I need to give her something?"

"No she doesn't want to take anything, and I promised her I wouldn't do that. I would like to keep it as a last resort sort of thing if that is okay with you" he told her.

"You are sure she is sleeping now?" Kaidan nodded his head at her. "Well than let us see how long she sleeps, if she makes it over 6 hours, I will not need to give her anything."

"I was hoping for at least 8 hours which is why I asked you to talk to Pressley." Kaidan smiled at her.

"That's what I will do then" she said as they walked to the med bay door.

* * *

Kaidan Came onto the bridge to talk to Joker. "Joker I need you to cut off the comm in Shepard's room for the next 8 hours."

"Why would you want me to do that?" Joker asked. "Won't the Commander get mad if I do that?"

"I'll make a deal with you, cut it off but you can use it if there is an emergency. I hope we don't have any before we get to the Citadel. She hasn't been able to sleep, Joker. She needs to get some sleep."

Joker looked over at his friend and could see the worry in his eyes. "Okay, but you owe me a nice big drink, an expensive one, man, and from Earth!" Joker told him, but he would have done it anyway.

* * *

Shepard stretched as she woke up. She felt a bit better, a bit more centered and the headache she had was gone. She looked around the room for Kaidan, but he was gone. She looked over at the chronometer and noticed she had been asleep for over 8 hours. She got up and activated the comm.

"Joker, how far are we from the Citadel" she asked.

"ETA 3 hours minus 20 Commander" he answered.

"Thanks." She then checked with Pressley to make sure everything was okay, because she knew if she had been able to sleep for eight hours Pressley must have taken over. He advised there was nothing that needed her attention and everything was running smoothly. _Good, _she thought, _I have time for a shower. _

She got her things and took a nice hot shower. As she felt the water cascade down her back and she thought of how Ash loved water flowing down her back. It was a good memory and she felt better for it. She would miss Ash, but everytime water washed down her she would remember her. She got dressed and shoved her dirty clothes in the chute. She came walking out of the bathroom and Kaidan was sitting at the table, and had brought her some breakfast. He stood as she came over to the table and looked at what he had brought.

"I brought you your oatmeal, some milk, toast with peanut butter. I brought a sandwich for myself so I could join you, that is, if you don't mind." She shook her head, he continued "I was going to bring you pancakes as something different, but then I remembered-"

"That I can't eat eggs, yes I know." She smiled at him and gave him a quick kiss on his lips. "I actually have a recipe for pancakes that doesn't use eggs, remind me to teach it to you some day. I like oatmeal anyway it is a constant. Sometimes you need a constant." She sat down in front of her oatmeal, he sat next to her. "How did you know I was awake?"

"Joker told me. What's a 'constant'?"

"Figures it would be Joker. A constant is something that stays the same no matter where you go and what you do. It's something that you can use to give yourself comfort or center yourself, especially in new situations. I eat oatmeal because no matter what ship I am on, the oatmeal tastes the same. Oatmeal is one of my constants." She explained.

She took a spoon full of oatmeal. "It's perfect" she smiled at him "how did you know how to prepare it?"

"Shepard I have been watching you eat that every morning since you got here. How could I not know how you like it?" and he chuckled.

"So you stalked me first before you tricked me into becoming attached to you" she put a mock shocked look on her face.

"You're attached to me, I thought it was the other way around" he smiled at her while inside his heart skipped a beat. "I can't wait until this is over and we can have some shore leave… You'll still be there right?"

"Yes, I can't wait" she smiled at him and continued to eat.

"Shepard, you said you would teach me that pancake recipe, does that mean you can cook?" he asked.

"Yes, I can cook. It's not a hard recipe, just 4 or 5 ingredients. Cooking was something I was interested when I was a teen, among other things, so I learned the basics. I'm no gourmet, but I can make sure you don't starve."

"Wow, you can Command a ship, entrance a crew, take down a thresher maw, destroy geth, defeat mercs and cook. Is there anything you can't do?"

"Yes," and she put her spoon down "I can't bring Ashley back."

He grabbed her hand and kissed the back of it. "I'm sorry Shepard, I should have known better than to say that. Come on now finish your breakfast." He told her picking up her spoon and handing it back to her.

They silently ate their breakfast and he watched as after she finished her oatmeal she took a piece of toast and started to spread some peanut butter on it. He was still watching when she all of a sudden just stopped in the middle of spreading the peanut butter on the toast. He looked up at her face and she had closed her eyes and there was now a look of pain on her face, he knew that she was thinking of Ash. Moving his chair closer to her he took the knife from her hand and finished spreading the peanut butter on the toast and put it down. He took one of her hands and put the toast into it, then took her other hand and held it. She opened her eyes and looked at his. He could see her fighting the tears that were trying to building up in them and he gave her hand a squeeze.

"Eat your toast" he said to her quietly. Since she hadn't eaten for at least a day he wanted to get more food into her, the peanut butter would give her the protein she needed. She took a deep breath and then took a bite of the toast. He squeezed her hand and stood up taking the dirty dishes with him he said "Finish all of it."

"Is that an order, Lieutenant?" she asked with a small smirk on her face driving the tears from her eyes. He bent down so his face was right in front of hers and said, "from your medic to you, I can make it one if I need to, Commander" and he smiled at her and kissed her nose.

"Okay, I guess I will eat it then." And she watched him until the door closed on his retreating back.

* * *

The doctor was sitting in the mess having a bite to eat as she saw Kaidan come out of the Commander's Cabin with dirty dishes in hand. He put them in the cleaning chute and turned and saw her. He walked over to the table and sat across from her.

"So how is she doing" Dr. Chakwas asked him.

"Better for the sleep, but she is still a bit worn." He rubbed his eyes "She is still hurting."

"Yes well that is to be expected, it takes a long time to mourn the loss of someone. Don't neglect your health either Lieutenant, if you want to be there for her that is."

"You're right, but… well… this has just been first time she has ever needed me and is actually letting me help. I mean rather than just back up, you know, emotionally."

Chakwas looked at his face and said "Yes, I know, I think maybe it's the first time she allowed anyone to help her. She prefers to be self reliant"

Kaidan said, "I hope it isn't the last. I really like taking care of her."

* * *

Shepard stood up after finishing the last piece of toast. She went into the bathroom and washed up. Catching sight of herself in the mirror she stopped and looked at herself. The perma makeup that she had applied to her face when she was a teen was still there. How stupid a decision was that she thought a soldier with makeup on all the time, such a silly vain thing for her to have done. But at that age she had wanted to be different so when she made the decision to do it she just did. She may have thought better of it later but the deed was done and she never considered getting it undone.

As she studied her face she saw the dark circles under her eyes, no lighter for the full sleep she had, she realized that the circles are what had caused Kaidan to worry. _Well, Shepard, you have wallowed long enough_ she told herself _time to get back to work. I'm sorry that I couldn't stop Saren earlier Ash, I will always miss you. _She shook herself, pulled herself together, left the cabin and left her sadness behind.

She walked around talking to the crew getting herself connected back to everyone. She stopped in to talk to Dr. Chakwas for a bit and felt better when she left. She went and checked with Joker and got an updated ETA. She felt much more normal when she finished her walk, even going by the weapons area didn't bring the tears. She thought she was finished crying now.

By the time got her armor on she had pulled her self together and reinforced her walls. When she stood in front of the council later, she had already returned to her normal state of mind, and considering how that meeting went, it was a good thing she had.


	20. Chapter 20

Remember Bioware owns all. (They probably have set up quarters in my head now)

Okay enough about sadness. We need to get Saren. Relationships are funny things. We have followed my Shepard and Kaidan from the sillyness of how all relationships start to the true test of relationships and the support of a loved one. Okay still sappy, but there you are. The rides not over yet. Hope your enjoying the trip, because we are no where near finished...

I bring you...

* * *

**BEFORE THE ENDGAME**

Ilos, they needed to get to Ilos. Why wouldn't anyone listen to her? Hadn't she proven her worth? Hadn't she proved her theories? Shepard had gotten her hopes up that the Council had finally decided to do something about Saren. The Council called them back to the Citadel and the Normandy was going to be in the forefront of the attacking fleet if she had anything to say about it. Well she didn't have any say in the matter. Instead they were in lock down.

Three days. They have been sitting here for three days. She tried every favor, every official channel, every contact she had but she couldn't get anyone to lift the lock down. She was frustrated and pissed and all this on top of Ashley's death was enough to make a person wallow. She didn't give in to the feeling more than a few moments, but Kaidan was there to tell her everything would be alright. She didn't think he believed it anymore then she did, but he was there for her and that meant everything.

They were sitting around in the mess having their dinner. The mood had been somber since Ash's death, but they continued to have their meals together and were able to talk each other through their grief.

"So what do you think this conduit thing is?" Joker asked to no one in particular.

"Well, conduit means pipe or tube, ususally used to convey something, like water, from one place to another. Do you think it's like a back door to something?" Kaidan asked.

"A pipe, kind of like a relay? Could it be the Mu Relay – no... I don't think that it is." Shepard said. "Benezia said they needed to find the relay, but it sounded like they were still searching for... I don't know, something?"

"Well it seemed you needed the Mu Relay to get to it. It's got to be on Ilos." Garrus said.

"Yeah, we need to get to Ilos!" Shepard was exasperated. "What would you use this conduit for, it's a great question." she reflected.

"Do you use it to get somewhere or do the Reapers use it to get here?" Liara asked.

"You know that back door thing you said" Shepard pointed to Kaidan "that kind of makes sense, but why would they need one? A back door? To where? For what purpose?"

"To get to where they need to get to. So where do you think Saren it trying to get to?" Dr. Chakwas said.

"Well according to the information I got from the geth, the conduit brings them closer to the Reapers. Maybe it's a way to get them to the Reapers." Tali said.

"Then wouldn't it follow that if it can get them to the reapers, that it would bring the Reapers here." Kaidan said.

"Yeah, I don't like where this is going." Shepard told them. "This doesn't bode well for us either way."

"What your talking about a very dangerous outcome for us." Wrex pointed out.

"Yeah" Kaidan observed "Extinction."

* * *

They were out of options when finally it was Captain Anderson that was able to free them (okay so she stole a prototype warship, but they were probably going to die anyway).

Shepard was in her cabin making sure she had finished getting her affairs in order. When they were on the Citadel earlier she updated her will with the Alliance attorney. She had actually added clauses for all the crew, leaving the bulk of her estate to her parents with a large chunk for Kaidan (providing he survived her). It's funny; she never thought she would become so rich so fast. She had wrote letters to her parents, separate ones for each telling them what was happening, and that she loved them, and sent them off too. They should get the letters soon after she arrived at Ilos. She was trying to think of anything else that needed to be done when she heard her door and jumped.

He had stood outside the Commanders room for a while. He was thinking that he had to go and see her. He had to tell her how he felt. If he lost her it would kill him. She had to know.

He entered her cabin where she was working as usual. When he enter the room she dropped everything for him.

"Commander?" He said and what followed was at first awkward, then a touching conversation. He was able to support her and tell her how he felt. She was able to accept his support and what she meant to him. In the end, she told him the thing he really wanted to hear. She wanted him.

Again the desperation of her kiss brought out the need in him, but this time he didn't have to hold back. He explored every part of her mouth, trying to search out ever nook, every detail, and she answered in kind sending shivers down his back. Finally he sat her on the edge of the bed and removed her boots slowly, then his. The act of undressing was an art and if she would let him, he was going to make a masterpiece for her. In all things she always took the lead, but in this she had deferred the position to him. He took it gratefully.

He pulled her up off the bed and back into his arms and kissed her some more. He paid attention to all her tender parts, reveling in her responses. By the time he gently placed her on the bed he had gotten them both undressed and she was responding to him in ways that made him more aroused. The night that followed was one of passion and a few surprises for both of them. He made sure she had her pleasure several times before he surrendered to his, in which she also joined him in. In the end, they both slept.

When Kaidan woke later and found that she was sitting watching him sleep. She was already dressed he was disappointed to see. He sat up and asked her "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Kaidan I told you many times. You just didn't hear me." She smiled at him.

"You never said... well you never used the words...?" He ran his hands through his hair, how can this be so awkward, he just he had just had the best night of his life, and he was getting hung up on this little detail, that wasn't even an issue anymore.

"I told you that I never let anyone close to me before. You do remember me telling you that, several times I do believe."

"Yeah, but I didn't know you meant..." again awkward silence.

She got up and went over to him pulling him into a kiss. He tried to pull her back into bed, but she resisted gently. When it was over, she said "It was wonderful. You were wonderful. I couldn't have asked for more." She gave him another small kiss. "Now you had better get cleaned up and dressed, we will be at Ilos shortly."

"Please Shepard, be careful."

"I always am, besides, You'll be right there with me" she smiled at him.

"I wouldn't have it any other way."


	21. Chapter 21

Remember Bioware owns all! Enjoy the trip, I know I am. This one is for Ash.

* * *

**DIDN'T YOU LISTEN TO VIGIL**

Standing at the control console it was up to Shepard to decide. Save the Destiny Ascension and the Council or hold back and wait to attack Sovereign. She thought back through everything that had happened to get her to this point. Kaidan had recommended to her that she save the council. Garrus recommended to her that she sacrifice the council. Then she remembered what Vigil had told them. The first thing the Reapers did when they attacked the Citadel, the reason they attacked the Citadel, was to destroy the Prothean leadership. That is what made up her mind.

"Joker, I'm opening the relay, save the Destiny Ascension, save the Council at all costs."

"Aye, Aye Commander."

"A noble choice, I hope it was the right one." Garrus said.

"Vigil said the first thing that the Reapers went after was their leaders. The Council is our leadership. For better or worse, we need our leaders to get through this. Vigil wouldn't have said it if it wasn't important." Garrus nodded at the Commander, it made sense.

Shepard looked down at Saren's corpse. Recently the cause of all their problems, she was able, in the end to convince him of Sovereign's control over him. He was able to break control just long enough to take his own life. Shepard, remembering Ashley, thought he got off too easy.

When the Destiny Ascension and the Council were safe, the Citadel station arms opened and the fleet could go after Sovereign. Shepard listened as Admiral Hackett gave the order to take down Sovereign at all cost. She told Kaidan and Garrus to go down and make sure Saren was really dead. Just after she heard confirmation of his death from Kaidan the world began to shake.

The implants that Sovereign put into Saren allowed it to animate his corpse to try and get control of the Citadel Control Console. The three of them attacked it with everything they had. When Shepard delivered the final barrage of shots she was yelling "This is for Ashley!" Sovereign's doppelganger was no more and the destruction of it took down Sovereign's shields.

Shepard, Garrus and Kaidan went back up stairs to see what was going on. Shepard watched with pride as her ship delivered the final blow and Sovereign exploded. Her triumph was short lived as she saw shards from the exploding ship heading towards them, she yelled a warning to Kaidan and Garrus to take cover and ran in the other direction to take cover herself.

She was hit with some debris and knocked over, she went flying and hit a post and dislocated her left shoulder. Then something heavy landed on top of her. Then there was silence. She didn't know if anyone else had survived, her comm link wasn't working. She tried to call Kaidan, Garrus or Joker, but nothing. She hoped they were okay.

It took a while without the use of her arm but she was able to work her way out from under the debris that had landed on her. She had to climb over a lot of pieces of the ship to get back to the center of the floor where the steps were. She jumped over another piece and thought she saw Kaidan's red armor. She climbed over another big piece and slid down and sure enough there was Kaidan and Garrus with Anderson and a Citadel Medic. She worked her way towards them seeing the smile of relief on Kaidan's face. As she looked into his eyes she smiled back, able to breathe again knowing he was alive. She walked right past Anderson to Garrus and gave him a hug then went over to Kaidan and gave him one too. She asked him how they were.

"We're alive. You don't need to worry about us Commander." Kaidan told her.

She nodded and turned towards Anderson and said "and _this_ was just the beginning."

* * *

They were taken to the makeshift infirmary that C-Sec had set up in the wards. Dr. Michel and Dr Chakwas as well as other ships doctors were lending assistance to those who needed it. Chakwas was working on healing Kaidan's wounds while Dr. Michel reset Shepard's shoulder. Chakwas sent them both back to the ship, telling Shepard that the ship would probably be empty because everyone was on the station helping to search for survivors. Doc told her that she and Kaidan needed to rest and they would just be in the way in the infirmary.

Shepard asked her about the other crew members. Doc assured her that all of them were well, that Pressley was helping direct search parties and Joker was driving a transport shuttle ferrying survivors back and forth. Liara and Wrex were helping search for survivors because he was strong enough to lift debris and her with her biotics Liara could do the same. Garrus had only minor injuries and was with Tali trying to get the electronic equipment back online. Shepard thanked the doctor and helped Kaidan (who was still a little unsteady on his feet) towards the area where Chakwas had advised them they could find the Normandy. One of the C-Sec officers gave them a ride to the ship and they got on board without any further interruptions.

Shepard headed them towards her cabin. "Where are you going Commander?" Kaidan asked her.

"Kaidan, I am taking you to my cabin, where if you're up to it I am going to do wonderful things to your body." She smiled at him.

"But Commander…"

"Don't but Commander me, right now the way I see it is we haven't been officially reinstated and until we are reinstated we are free to do whatever we want. At least that's how I see it, and I intend to take full advantage of that. Besides I just saved the Council and the Citadel, I think that entitles me to some loving." She told him.

"I agree with your analysis Shepard." He told her as she helped him to the bed.

"Shepard, we're going to need to get cleaned up first, and I really need to eat something."

"Well I can get you some food, if you can get to the shower by yourself" she told him.

"Yeah, I can do that." He told her.

"Okay well here and she pulled out a silk robe from one of her closets it was like hers only a bit shorter and black. I was going to give this to you at some point, now would be as good a time as any. I'll go to your locker and get you clean clothes and some food and I will be right back."

"Okay Shepard" he said as he got up from the bed and made his way towards the bathroom. She watched for a moment to make sure he wouldn't fall and then headed off on her errands.

She returned and heard him in the shower, she went over to the door and cracked it open and tossed in his underwear. Not that she planned for him to wear it for that long, but she wanted him to be comfortable. _And it will be fun taking it off_ she thought to herself.

"Thanks" she heard him say as she closed the door.

She set out the sandwiches, enough to feed a hungry biotic and then some, and the drinks to go with them for him two pitchers of juice, one grape and the other apple, and milk for her. It was reconstituted, and again, not as good as the real thing but she did like milk. She started on a sandwich as he came out of the bathroom and joined her at the table.

"There that's better." He said and he bent to kiss her (leaning on the chair so he wouldn't fall) then he sat down and drank half a glass of apple juice before starting on his first sandwich. She noticed that his color improved once he started to eat.

"You were really getting weak there weren't you" she asked.

"Yeah, it was a tough fight."

"Well you did good."

"So did you Shepard" he smiled at her.

She finished her sandwich and milk. "I'm going to get cleaned up now." She went over to her closet got her robe and underclothes and went towards the bathroom. She stopped and turned to look at him. "You will still be here when I come out, right" she asked.

"Yes, I will still be here." He reassured her picking up his third sandwich.

"Good." And she headed towards the bathroom to get cleaned up.

Kaidan finished eating and cleaned up. He then went back over to the bed. He took off the robe and got under the covers. He noticed a data pad on the table next to the bed so he picked it up. It looked like it had some personal notes on it, so he went to put it back down when he noticed his name on it. He started to read it and he realized it was a first draft of a letter to Shepard's mother. In it she wrote about her chances of surviving the attack. She told her mother that she had grown attached to him and was requesting advice on how to go about it properly. It stopped there. Kaidan put it back where he found it, but smiled to himself. _If she is writing about me to her mother, she doesn't plan on this ending anytime soon_ he thought. It was more proof of her feelings towards him. Kaidan stretched and closed his eyes and relaxed. He was asleep in next to no time.

Shepard came out of the bathroom and looked over at the bed and there was Kaidan fast asleep. Well it had been a long day. She laughed to herself; _well I was going to wear him out anyway_. She was feeling a bit tired now too, she went over to the bed, took off her robe and laid it on the chair over his. She climbed under the covers next to him. As soon as he sensed her he rolled over and put his arms around her. He was only semi awake and she couldn't get more than a grunt from him as his breathing resumed the steady pulse that meant he had fallen back to sleep. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the pressure of his arms around her. _This feels so safe_ she thought, and then she joined him in slumber.

* * *

Shepard opened her eyes found Kaidan looking down on her, she smiled at him. "Good Morning" she said.

"Morning. How are you feeling?" He asked.

She started to stretch and felt the pain in her shoulder, legs and back so she stopped. "Sore, in many places" she told him.

"Yeah, me too."

"Were you watching me sleep?" She asked.

"I have a confession, when you first arrived on the Normandy, you had the pod across from mine. I used to watch you sleep then. I missed it, so yes, I was watching you sleep." Kaidan told her.

"You know Kaidan, I think that is really sweet." She told him. "And maybe a little bit spooky."

"Yeah, so how do you feel about spooky." He asked as he leaned down towards her face.

"I think I can work with it." She took her hand and rubbed his chest as he kissed her. She felt his hand moving under her shirt and up her back as he pulled her closer to him. She responded by wrapping her arms around him and moving them to his lower back and then down further. What followed was a gentle morning of passion being mindful of each others aches.

* * *

Shepard came out of her cabin first to see who was around. There was no one in the mess area so she had Kaidan join her. The had just sat down at the table with their breakfast when Joker came through from the bridge.

"Morning" he mumbled at them.

"Morning" Kaidan said.

"Good Morning Joker, what's up?" Shepard asked.

"I have been helping shuttle medics back and forth to some of the ward areas. There are an awful lot of dead and wounded. It's going to take forever to clean this place up." He drank some coffee "Oh and Anderson wants to see you when you get up."

"Yeah I knew it couldn't last." She said looking at Kaidan who smiled back at her.

"Well they say no rest for the wicked." He said slyly to her.

"That's Commander Wicked, to you." She laughed.

"Oh and they are calling you the 'Savior of the Citadel' now" Joker told her.

"Great! Just what I need, another damned title." She frowned. "They forget I didn't do this alone."

"I'll just be Lieutenant Undetectable, with his turian sidekick Mr. Invisible." Kaidan said as he pointed to Garrus who was just sitting down with his breakfast.

"What's that about?" Garrus asked.

"Savior of the Citadel, that's what they're calling Shepard" Joker explained.

"Oh good, just as long as the leave me out of it I hate reporters" Garrus said.

Shepard Groaned, "reporters, oh shit." She looked at Kaidan "next time we try to save the galaxy remind me about the reporters so I can run away instead."

Kaidan saluted her "yes Ma'am!" they laughed at him.

Wrex, Tali, Liara and Dr. Chakwas had trickled in while the exchange was going on.

"It really is amazing the amount of damage that was done." Liara said. "The Citadel lasted over fifty thousand years and they were able to wreak destruction on it in a matter of hours. It's really sad."

"Not to mention the amount of lives lost." Dr. Chakwas said.

"Joker, how many ships did we loose?" Shepard asked.

"Eight" he told her.

"I'm going to need the names of those ships and I will need to know about the allied casualties as well. If I am going to talk to reporters I need statistics to throw at them." She said.

"Alright Commander" Joker said.

"Is that how you prepare before going to meet the press?" Kadain asked.

"I prepare for different things in different ways. I have a feeling that because I saved the council, costing human lives, that is going to be a problem. I will have to figure out a way to counter act that. I need facts and figures to do that." She pointed to Joker. "Include the crew compliment of the Destiny Ascension, and if it had any refugees on board."

"You need a secretary Commander" Joker told her.

"Maybe some day, but not today. I know it's a lot to ask Joker, but I know you can do it for me." He nodded at her. "Well I guess I better get going, you can all continue to help with the relief efforts until I find out where we stand and if I'm going to be court marshaled or not." She told them.

"Yeah, Commander, you just saved their asses, I don't think that's going to be a problem." Garrus said.

"Alliance Command might not see it the same way." And she saw Kaidan frown with a worried crease on his brow. "But at least we got one for Ashley." She got up to go and get ready for her meeting.

"Yes, there is that." Tali said "She would have been pleased."

"Yes," Dr. Chakwas said. "I am sure she is."

The Commander smiled at her as she left the room.


	22. Chapter 22

Once again Bioware owns all. I only ask that you enjoy the ride. Oh, and the blue dress.

* * *

**Shore Leave**

Three days since the destruction of Sovereign and yet another meeting with Alliance Command. She was getting sick and tired of it. The reporters were bad enough. Well, she did give Emily Wong her exclusive, but then she had to talk to the other reporters as well. At least the Council was letting her alone, for now anyway they were concentrating on getting the Citadel back together. But Hackett and Anderson kept calling her back for meetings. She hadn't been able to spend much time with Kaidan except for a few make out sessions in the gym that left both of them a bit frustrated. Yeah, she was getting very short tempered about that too.

Resisting the urge to say "What now?" after greeting her superiors she said instead "what can I do for you gentlemen?"

"Shepard there will be an award ceremony for your second Star of Terra in a few months, which we will also be issuing one to each of your team mates. It will be a big honor since they will be the first non humans to receive the Star. The Council will be issuing your team top honors also, but I am not sure when they plan to do that."

"It's nice that the team is being recognized sir, since all the news casts and everyone keeps acting like I did it all by myself. The human ones only occasionally mention Lieutenant Alenko or Ashley Williams and then only once in a while. The Citadel ones only mention me and then not as a human but as a Spectre. I'll be honest, I am not one for the ceremony thing, but if it makes everyone aware of the situation we have brewing with the Reapers, than I am all for it."

"Shepard" Captain Anderson said. "The Council still is having trouble coming to grips with the Reapers. I don't know if we want to start a panic by going public with this."

"Yeah well if we don't start preparing now we will be sorry later." she told him.

"Well why don't we worry about that when you come back from shore leave?" Admiral Hackett suggested. "The Normandy crew has been approved for two week shore leave commencing tomorrow at ten hundred hours. You've earned it."

"Only two weeks, sir?" Shepard asked "We were hoping for at least a month." Well she was anyway.

"Shepard we lost a lot of ships and we need to be at our best if we are going to be joining the Council and helping to defend Council space. The Normandy is needed to make sure the geth threat is over."

"Yes sir, I understand. Thank you sir." she said and they dismissed her.

* * *

As she was returning to the ship she called Joker and advised him to notify the crew about shore leave, at least they would be a happy crew she returned to.

She walked over to the med station that was set up outside the Alliance Command Post.

She watched Kaidan giving a female a shot and then send her on her way. She saw Dr. Chakwas working on a C-Sec officer that must have had an accident of some type because he had a gash on his face that she was tending to. Kaidan caught sight of her and walked over to her.

"Hi, nice of you to stop by." he said. "We've been busy, but have slowed down some now."

"Well they gave us shore leave, starting tomorrow at ten hundred hours."

"So soon, we haven't been able to prepare anything. Where are we going to get reservations with such short notice? Someplace that is near here so we have more time together."

"Well, I don't know how you feel about it but I actually have two places we could go to. One is very nice depending on the time of year it is and should give us a bit of privacy. The other is a shitty planet, Intai'sei, but the apartment is okay and assures privacy."

"What do you mean you have two places, you own them?"

"Yes, I won the apartment on Intai'sei from Ahern at Pinnacle station. I have a cabin on Earth that I got from my Grandmother so I would always have a place to call home. Depending on the time of year it is on earth it can be really nice or really cold and wet."

"Northern hemisphere or Southern?" he asked her.

"Northern and Western hemisphere." she told him.

"Well it's early fall there right now." he told her.

"Well then it might be a little cool and wet there." she said, but if the leaves are changing it really beautiful. It's only a two relay trip to Earth from here so it wouldn't eat up too much of our shore leave." she advised him. "I can get transport on the Sigmund which leaves tomorrow at ten hundred hours and you can leave on the Royoka that leaves half an hour later."

"Can't we travel together?" he asked.

"I don't think that's a good idea, besides I have been able to get the cabin cleaned, but I need to stock it and check a few things first. It's on a lake surrounded by a forest. I'll arrive only a few hours before you since the Sigmund is faster then the Royoka. That is, if this is what you want to do." she told him.

"Anywhere you are will be fine with me Shepard" Kaidan told her.

"Good I already booked passage on both ships just in case. Our crew Is probably going crazy trying to book passage on any available ship, and I didn't want to miss out. Earth will be popular with the Alliance crew considering we are so close to it for this shore leave. I'll leave you instructions on how to get to the cabin once your in the spaceport on a data pad in your locker."

"All right, Shepard I will see you at dinner." He saluted her mindful of an audience and returned to the med station where Dr. Chakwas was signaling to him for help.

* * *

When Kaidan got the the Spaceport in Liberty, Shepard had said he should take air transport to Tolkin Town Water Transport. So he went over and found a transport driver and asked him if he knew the place.

"Sure do, hop in, t'ain't but fifteen minutes from here." Kaidan got in and sure enough fifteen minutes later he was at a lake marina. He paid the driver who told him "Old Arnie will take care of you right my boy." and with that he left.

Kaidan walked over to the office that had Tolkin Town written over the top of it. There was an older gentleman sitting inside. He had gray hair and a large mustache. He looked Kaidan up and down as he approached the office.

"You Lieutenant Alenko?" he asked.

"Yes I am." Kaidan said a bit surprised.

"Joe's been waiting for you to take you up to Twinglyn Cabin. Just go down the dock here and you see him by the red boat." The man pointed to one of the docks by the entrance.

"Couldn't the transport have just flown me there?" Kaidan asked.

"Nope, lake is restricted from this point on you can only get there by boat. Young Ms. Shepard took her boat up earlier, so Joe is taking you."

"Okay, thank you." said Kaidan and he left to find Joe.

Joe was at the end of the dock sitting on a wooden crate next to a small red speed boat. Joe was a young man who jumped up when he saw Kaidan.

"You the Lieutenant?" he asked.

"Yes, and you must be Joe." Kaidan said.

"Ya, I must be. Get in." and he motioned to the boat.

Kaidan dropped his duffel in the boat and hopped in, Joe untied the boat and got in and then headed the boat out towards the middle of the lake. Kaidan tried to see where they were going but it was a large lake with trees all around and the trees made each area look just like the next. After they had been moving for about twenty minutes the boat turned hard to port and took a switchback to a cove. There was a dock and over the dock there was the words Twinglyn Cabin and under that Private Dock. Under the words Private Dock it said Trespassers will be shot, I am not kidding and I don't miss!. Kaidan laughed at that.

Back from the dock he could make out what looked like a stone building with a stone roof. There was a hill to one side that had a cleared out area with solar panels and three windmills that were slowly turning. There was a nice boat at the dock that looked like it might be made of real wood. Joe pulled up to the dock and Kaidan climbed out of the boat and Joe handed him his duffel bag.

"Just follow the path up the hill, I don't think she'll shoot you seeing as she's expecting you. Although if your not really the Lieutenant, I would be scared right now."

Kaidan laughed "I am really the Lieutenant." he told Joe. "Thank you, Joe, do I owe you anything?"

"Naaaaa." Joe said, "miz Shepard already done paid" and with that he took off.

Kaidan walked up the path and followed it around and realized that the part of the building he had seen was just a small part of the whole. It wasn't huge, but quite large. He walked up to the heavy wooden door and noticed a lump of metal in the center of it. Underneath there was a plaque that read: Lift this up and pound it down once or twice or thrice or four, and if someone is here they'll come to the door. He lifted the metal and pushed it down a couple of times admiring the sound it made.

"It's open, come on it" he heard Shepard yell.

He walked into the cabin. He could smell garlic. He looked around and saw there was mostly wooden furniture, a fireplace and there was a stairway to the open area above that must serve as the bedroom, because he saw what looked like a bed up there. The ceiling was quite high, and behind the staircase there was a wall. He saw a table just to the left of the wall that was made up for a meal.

"Where are you?" he asked.

"I'm here" he saw her arm drop and apron on the chair and she came out from behind the wall and stood there looking at him.

He took one step towards her and then stopped because he then realized what she was wearing. It was a blue dress.

Shepard watched Kaidan as he took in the dress. Just stared at her speechless. He didn't move just stood there staring at her. She waited a few moments for him to say something, but he didn't. Finally she couldn't stand it anymore. "Is it really that bad?" she asked him, a look of fear on her face.

"No" his voice broke. "No, its beautiful." he could hardly get the words out.

She walked slowly towards him "You really like it, your not just saying that."

He couldn't take his eyes off her. "Not just saying that, you are beautiful." She was almost in front of him now.

"Ashley helped me pick the dress out, she thought you would like it." she told him.

He reached up to gently touch the material of the dress putting his hand on her hip. "I do like it."

She smiled at him and he gently pulled her to him and gave her a long hard kiss. He started to lift up the dress but she pushed him away. "We have to eat first or the fish will dry out." She told him.

"O-kay." his voice cracked. She took him by the hand and led him to the table.

"I was only able to catch five fish because I started late, but it should be enough, it's not like you've been fighting all day."

"You caught the fish?" he repeated her words.

"Yes, I visited here quite often when I was a child, I can catch fish."

"Okay I think I am going to start asking you what you can't do..." and he saw the pain enter her eyes for just a moment and he quickly said "Scratch that, I'll just let you surprise me." and he gave her a hug to wipe the pain from her eyes.

She got the plate of fish from off the counter and put it on the table along with some bread and a large salad.

"I didn't bake the bread, but it's from town and its fresh." She sat down next to him and served him several pieces of fish and a large scoop of salad. She took the same although not as much fish and then ripped of a piece of bread for each of them moving the butter between them.

He took some of the fish and it was fresh and had a lemony taste to it. He then took some salad and it had a light garlic dressing on it. "This is really good Shepard." he told her.

"See, you won't starve." she said.

"No really, this is good food." he looked in her eyes, "I'm not joking."

"Thank you, it's just a simple dish though, nothing special. I just needed to make something fast."

"I can't wait to see what you make when you think your making something special" he said.

"That takes days of preparation and hours of cooking." she told him seriously.

"Well, someday you'll show me and I can help, okay?"

"Sure, okay" she told him.

They finished the meal and he helped her clean up. Then she showed him the rest of the house. When they got up the stairs he pulled her towards him again admiring the feel of the blue dress on his hands. He kissed her and then gently lifted the dress over her head watching it to make sure it didn't snag on anything. The full skirt block his view of her body. He turned to the side and tossed it on a chair and turned back to look at her and for the second time he was rendered speechless because he didn't expect her matching blue undergarments. The kissing and the dress had made him amorous, but the underwear really turned him on. She walked towards him and forced her hands under his shirt and they traveled up his abdomen to his chest as she pressed herself against him. He closed his eyes and groaned as she found one of his tender spots. She laughed and then pulled off his shirt so she could replace her hands with her mouth.

Instead he pulled her close and kissed her running his hands down her back and under her silk enclosed backside. He lifted her and she tangled her legs around him. He walked them over to the bed and gently lay her down on the bed. Then he sat on the edge of the bed and took off his boots so they wouldn't be in the way. He felt her come up behind him and put her arms around his middle. Trying to undo his pants he felt her rubbing against his back. He stood up and turned towards her and she finished undoing his pants slowly and pulled them off him and onto the floor where he could step out of them. Then he climbed onto the bed over her, and once again she relinquished her Command to him.


	23. Chapter 23

Continuing Shore leave, you didn't want it to end too fast did you? Neither did Shepard. Remember Bioware owns all.

* * *

**Fishing**

Kaidan woke up to the smell of something cooking. He was trying to place the smell but his brain only said meat. It was a familiar smell but something from a long time ago. He rolled over and grabbed her pillow from her side of the bed and buried his face into it taking a deep breath. He loved the smell of her, but his stomach made a noise that said it liked the smell of the meat better. He got up and went to get ready for the day. They had been here for three days now and Shepard kept waking up before he did. He would have liked to have a shower with her instead of alone. He was a light sleeper yet he never woke up when she got up. He had only got up before her once, and that was after an intense battle the day before. Funny, he never noticed that before.

After cleaning himself up, he put on some sweat pants and went downstairs. She usually liked to exercise in the morning but they had been lax, and the sweat pants were good for exercising or if she wanted to get into anything else. She was making breakfast and he found out the meat smell was bacon. He hadn't smelled fresh bacon for a long time, that's why he couldn't place it. He liked the smell. As he watched she set out flour, baking soda, baking powder, oil, and soy milk. He walked up to her and hugged her from behind.

"Good morning" she said "did you sleep well."

"Yes, always with you. What are you making?"

"Pancakes."

He was interested, because he had heard of this recipe from her. He watched as she sifted the dry ingredients together and then mixed the wet ones together and added them to the dry ingredients whisking them together quickly. She then ladled them out onto the hot griddle.

"That's it?" he asked.

"Yep, that's it. You could add fruit of nuts too it, and if you add some fruit you might want to add a bit of sugar to the batter, but I prefer plain."

"Well that was easy, I could make those for you."

"Yes, you could if you wanted to."

They enjoyed the leisurely breakfast she had prepared. Then they cleaned up together. He found the household chores comforting. It was a warm sunny day and she suggested going for a boat ride.

"Do I get to drive?" he asked.

"Well I don't know, your a marine, not a sailor." she laughed at him as he grabbed her and swung her around. Having her in his arms he forgot all about the boat and decided that they would have a much more exciting morning if they just stayed in.

* * *

After the morning of loving they spent the afternoon taking a trek around the forest. He tried to make it leisurely also, but she started running as she always did and he kept up. They headed back after they finished their run, the walk back taking most of the afternoon. She had him sit on the porch and gave him a cool drink and a snack so he wouldn't be too hungry then she put on her sun hat again and grabbed a fishing pole.

"Shepard where are you going?"

"To catch dinner." she said

"Well I want to help."

"Have you ever fished before?" she asked.

"No, but you could teach me."

"I don't know that's a lot of work, catching the dinner, cooking the dinner, teaching you to fish. I thought I was on vacation." she laughed "sure come on." she grabbed another fishing pole.

They went down to the beach where she set down the poles and the cooler she had brought with her and took her sandals off. "Stay here." she told him and she walked along the water line looking down. All of a sudden she bent down and started to dig with a small trowel she had. When she had a whole about the length of the trowel she pulled it out and stuck her hand into the hole and a moment later after some moving around she pulled out a large clam. Then she walked back over to him.

"What's that for?" he asked.

"Bait, we could use worms, but it's best to dig them at night and I didn't do that, besides if you slice the clam into strips it works just as well."

"How did you know the clam was there?"

"It you look carefully you can see the breathing hole."

They walked to the end of the dock she sat down with her feet hanging over the side and he sat next to him.

"The best times to fish is when the fish are coming out to eat. Just after sun up and just before sundown are usually good times." she told him as she shucked the clam and then cut it into strips with a sharp knife. "Depends though on a lot of things." she showed him how to thread the piece of clam onto the hook so that the fish wouldn't be able to remove it without taking the hook.

"Now look out over the lake" she pointed to the lake "you see the movement just under the water, you notice the little splashes. That's the fish starting to feed, now you toss in you hook by releasing the wheel." she showed him how to do that. "Then you toss the line and lock the wheel. You can pull the pole like this slowly pulling in the line you want the bait to look like it is still alive. Do that until you get a bite, sometimes it will be fast and sometimes not.

He mimicked her movements and tossed his line but it didn't go that far, so she had him reel it in and try again. Then she got a bite on her line and showed him how to slowly reel in the fish so that it didn't break the line or lose the fish. "There is a low length limit on the fish in this lake, the fish must be at least ten inches long to keep from behind the gills to in front of the tail. See the mark on this post" she pointed to a black gouge in the post that looked like it might be ten inches in length. "You hold the fish up so that the gill are just above the line and then as long as the tail is past the end of the line you can keep the fish." Since hers was considerably longer she dropped it into the cooler. "If we can get a couple of more that size we will be done quickly." she told him.

She caught another that was a bit bigger then the first one and dropped it in the cooler too. Then Kaidan felt a tug on his line and she noticed it to.

"Give it a tight quick jerk to make sure he's hooked" she showed him what she meant with her pole and he did it. "Now pull the pole back slowly and reel in the line while moving the pole forward... not too fast... that's it. Okay now I will use the net to get him." She reached down and got the fish in the net. "That's a nice big one, not bad for your first fish, huh?" he watched as she deftly removed the hook then held it against the mark on the post to check size.

"Even though it is obvious that this fish is longer then the mark it's a good idea to get in the habit of checking every fish so you don't get lazy." She dropped it in the cooler. "The fish I caught the other day were just long enough because I started late. These three should be enough for a hungry biotic. What do you think? ...You're being awfully quiet."

He grabbed her up into his arms "I think your just amazing."

"Um, I meant about the fish will that be enough for you?"

He kissed the nape of her neck and said "fish, what fish?"

She felt chills down her back and shoved her hands under his shirt and rubbed his back. "We need to get the fish inside, I still have to clean them." she told him

"Sure, okay" he pulled away but kept one arm around her waist. He handed her the poles and he took the cooler. She pulled away from him to bend down and throw the rest of the clam that they hadn't used into the lake.

"Might as well feed the fish, waste not want not." she told him coming back over to him so he could grab her waist again and they walked back to the cabin.

"Do you eat a lot of fish?" he asked her.

"When I am here I do, because I know it's fresh."

"Yeah, you can't get fresher then this."

"Right. Do you want baked fish today, I can get some herbs from the garden and I have some wine and lemon? It would be simple"

"Simple is good, whatever you want to make will be fine."

"Okay."

* * *

After dinner the night got cool so Shepard started a fire in the fireplace. He sat on the couch with her at his side, she was using him as a back rest. They had downloaded their mail and the latest news onto data pads and each were reading their letters and the news updates.

"There is nothing about the Reapers in any of this." she told him. "It's like they are just pretending that they don't exist."

"Well they have the evidence all over the Citadel, it shouldn't be long now before some scientist goes through the wreckage" he said as he read through his mail. His mother was on his case for him to come home and visit. Maybe next shore leave he could talk Shepard into meeting his parents. Yeah he would think about that. His dad wanted details of the attack 'unclassified' of course. The letter from the Alliance advising him of the award of the Star Of Terra. "Whoa!" he said.

"What?"

"I'm being awarded a Star Of Terra, Shepard."

"Yes, we all are." she told him.

"You knew?"

"Yes, Anderson and Hackett told me last time we met." She told him.

He turned and looked at her "why didn't you tell me?"

"I don't know, didn't think of it I guess." she didn't look at him she was still reading her data pad.

"The Star Of Terra and you didn't think about it." he couldn't keep the anger from his voice.

She looked at him now. "What's the matter?"

"I think you should have told me, this is a big deal."

"Uh, okay, I'm sorry" she said but he saw the confused look in her eyes.

"You have no idea why this is a big deal, do you Shepard."

"Honestly, no."

He got up and started pacing the room. "This is the god damn Star Of Terra, it's not like they give it out every day! How can you not think it's important?"

"It's a metal" she said.

"Right the top one in the Alliance."

"Okay, I know that." she still didn't seem to see where he was going.

Maybe he was approaching this the wrong way. "Shepard what do you think of the honor?"

"Not much really. An excuse to bring out your heroes and parade them around. Photo op and good publicity." She explained.

"But Shepard, you only get one awarded if you do something really special, it's like a reminder."

"I don't need a reminder of what I've done. I don't need everyone making a big deal about what I've done. I know what I've done. I did it, so how could I not know. It's just a metal Kaidan."

"Shepard, you really don't care how special you are, do you."

"I told you, I'm not special I just see what has to be done and I do it. It's my job. There is nothing special about that Kaidan. People forget the deeds and focus on the metal, or the story and forget about the other parts. For example: what about all the people on the Citadel that died because I couldn't stop Sovereign fast enough."

"Shepard, you stopped it, that's enough."

"Not really, it isn't worth a metal when so many lives were lost. It isn't worth a metal when Ashley was lost. I don't see how the metal is the compensation for the loss. It's not enough. I don't need it."

"Do you always look at your successes as failures."

"No, not failures, I look at them as accomplishments. I just look at them with a different perspective. Everyone treats me like a hero because they see the metals and they hear the brass speaking of me. But really anyone else could have done what I did, maybe even better."

"Shepard, we could not have defeated Saren without you. You have to see that."

"That's just silly, anyone could have done it, you could have done it. Garrus could have done it."

"You're wrong. Only you could have pulled this team together and got them working together. Only you could have talked Saren into killing himself. The same way as you talked Toombs into giving up and talked the biotics into letting go the hostages. Or how about Major Kyle." he went back over to the couch and took her into his arms. "Don't you see how special you are."

"I see that you think so, but Kaidan, your bias." she took his face in his hands. "But it means a lot to me that you think I'm special" and she kissed him then went back to reading her data pad leaning back into his arms. "I think your special too Kaidan."

_She really has no idea. _He said to himself. _No wonder she wasn't stuck when I first met her, she really doesn't see herself as different from anyone else. _And he could think of no way to make her see how really special she was.


	24. Chapter 24

Bioware owns all!

* * *

**It's Only Target Practice**

Kaidan woke up. He looked at the time, it was only 0300 hrs. Shore leave was almost over they only had a few days left. Her attention to his needs last night had a desperate quality that left him exhausted, but totally sated. He turned over to take her in his arms, but she wasn't there. He sat up and looked around, but she wasn't in the bedroom. He got out of bed and pulled on his sweatpants and shoved his feet in the slippers she had given him. He went downstairs to find her.

She was not in the house, he had looked everywhere. Maybe she went out to the dock, he went outside and walked down to the dock. She was not there, but the boat was there so she was still here somewhere. He walked back to the house and saw the light on out in the shed in back. He walked to the shed and opened the door. She wasn't there. Then he noticed a door with a staircase heading down in the back corner because there was a light on there. He went down the stairs and there was a heavy metal door there. He opened it and went through.

He was inside some kind of control room. There were two large consoles with a window behind them. He walked over to the console and looked at the readouts. Then he looked through the window and he saw Shepard there in her shorts and tank top sleepwear, with a gun in her hand taking cover behind a crate. While he watched a geth came out and she took him out. It wasn't a real geth he could tell it was a holo. He checked the console and sure enough it looked like she was running some kind of practice scenario. The problem was she had no armor on and she had the settings for realism set pretty high. These setting could get you hurt even in armor.

He keyed the speaker to tell her and heard an electronic voice. "EXTERNAL INTERFERANCE LOCKED OUT BY OPERATOR – LIVE SCENERIO IN PROGRESS" it said. "Damn" he muttered to himself. He watched her drop and roll, stand and shoot working her way around the room and taking on a myriad of attackers. He saw her get hit on her side and apply some med gel and go on. Finally there was a buzzer and it ended. She was breathing hard but had a big smile on her face.

He went to key the speaker again and heard her yell "Phase two, level four run program lock out protocol!" He looked down at the control and saw the setting move up "Shepard what are you doing" he mumbled to himself. He saw the red light that showed he was still locked out. He went over to the door to see if he could enter, but of course he couldn't enter while the program was running. "Shit."

He went back over to the window to watch her negotiate the program. This one included krogan and mercs with the geth. It was almost a non stop barrage of attackers and she dodged and ran, shot and dodged. He watched her get hit several times and apply med gel and not even slow down. Then she got hit in the back, it threw her forward, she rolled and stood up shot her attacker and rolled again to get the next one that was behind her. Finally the scenario ended and she was really winded and had blood dripping down her back. She still had a big smile on her face.

He saw her take a deep breath and he slammed down the button for the speaker just as she started to say "Phase Three…" and he yelled "Terminate program!"

A flash of anger came to her face, but she cleared it almost immediately. She relaxed and looked up at him, her expression blank.

He turned around and went to the door to the practice area that was now unlocked. He went down the winding stairs and walked over to her. She just watched him as he approached her.

"You've had enough" he told her. She just stared at him still breathing hard. He walked over to her and pulled up her shirt in the back and rubbed his finger under the gash she had on her back and put in front of her eyes. "You're bleeding."

"It appears so, I can't reach back there." She told him.

He grabbed her omni tool and took some med gel and applied it to her back stopping the bleeding.

"Thank you." She said. He walked around and stood in front of her again.

Crossing his arms he asked "what was that about?"

"I was practicing" she told him looking straight into his eyes, defiant.

"Shepard that was more than practice, you don't even have armor on."

"I didn't need it"

He put his finger with her blood on it back in front of her face "I beg to differ, you did need it."

"It won't kill me, I didn't set it that high." She told him.

"Shepard you had that last run through set at over eighty percent."

"No I didn't." but she didn't look so sure.

"Shepard I saw the numbers. What's going on with you?" He watched as she closed down. She hadn't done that to him in a while.

She looked down away from him. "Nothing, I just needed to practice." The last came out as a whisper telling him that whatever it was she was really bothered about it, possibly even scared. She was only ever scared when it had to do with her emotions.

"Lets go back to the house" he said taking her arm.

She pulled her arm trying to get him to release it "But—"

"No more practice" he grabbed the gun out of her hands. "You have had enough practice. You couldn't have had more than a few hours sleep." He walked over to the gun rack and put the gun in its empty space.

He then put his arm around her back and lead her back to the house.

When they got back in the house he sat her down on the couch and sat next to her. "Now Shepard, talk to me."

"What do you want me to talk about? My practice range, I had it built after we went to Pinnacle Station." She said.

"Shepard, what is bothering you."

"What makes you think that something is bothering me?" She wouldn't make eye contact.

"You're taking chances you wouldn't let anyone take. You set the machine up for extremely high impact rate and didn't put on your armor, also very unlike you. And you won't look me in the eye." He took both her hands in his. "I am here for you, talk to me."

"Shore leave, it's almost over." Again she was almost whispering.

"So?" he said "What is bothering you about that?"

"I don't want it to end." Again just above a whisper.

He laughed, "neither do I, so?"

"When we get back on the Normandy, we have to be careful again. I just have really liked not having to think about what I wanted to do to you and when. I like our time not being restricted. I like our movements not being watched. I just don't want it to go back the other way, even though I know it has to."

"So for that you thought you needed to take on the world."

"Shooting things makes me not have to think about the things that bother me." She told him looking down at her hands. " I like not having to think about anything except tactics"

He lifted her face by putting his finger under her chin, he then but his hand on her cheek. "There is nothing wrong with having feelings you know. But that was no reason to set the machine as high as you did. It's like you wanted to get hurt."

"No, it was just a rush, you know. It felt good to beat the machine. I just wasn't paying attention to how high it went, I just kept increasing the challenge, I didn't mean to let the realism level get that high or I would have put on my armor." She said.

"Well that's good to know. I didn't think you were into the pain, but you did have me worried."

"I'm sorry, but you don't need to worry about me where combat is concerned. I was still winning."

"Yeah, he pulled her into his arms. That's what was worrying me."

"Why?" she asked him.

"Because if you think you'll always win, you might not be careful next time. It could make you take unnecessary chances." He explained.

"I don't take unnecessary chances, I take necessary ones" she said, "and I know the difference. Remember no matter what you think, I knew that it wasn't real. You have to trust me."

"Okay" and he kissed her. "Stop worrying about what's going to happen back on the ship, we will work it out."

"Yeah," she climbed into his lap and put her legs around his body and started to kiss his neck sending chills up his back and warmth to his nether regions. She said in between kissing him "that's what you always say."


	25. Chapter 25

Bioware Owns All!

* * *

**Good Night, Goodbye**

The Normandy was underway again. It have been over two weeks since they got back from shore leave and Shepard was in her cabin sitting at the table with data pads strewn all over it. Each contained intelligence on a different geth objective. She was trying to put them in the order from imperative to can wait. It wasn't working.

She had thought coming back to the ship with Kaidan would have been hard. She had worked herself up about it so much, and she was wrong. It had been easy to get back into the normal routine, and although she did find that sometimes she wanted to touch him at inappropriate times, they were always on the ship and never while they were busy with a mission. They could touch and kiss when they were in the gym, as long as no one was around, but that was it. She found that just having him close was a comfort. It was enough.

Kaidan on the other hand was not finding it as easy. He was fine if they were on a mission, but he was having trouble at the oddest times, like at dinner. They would be at dinner and he would want to take her in his arms. He didn't of course, but he wanted too. Sometimes he would be talking to her over a report in the mess and he wanted to grab her and kiss her hard. Again, he didn't but he really wanted to.

It was getting late and he lay in his pod not getting any closer to sleep, thinking about her just beyond the wall behind his head. Finally he got up and looked around. Everyone that was off duty was sleeping and anyone that was on duty was at their station because it was still too early for breaks. He walked over to her cabin door quietly as not to draw attention or wake anyone. He tried the door expecting it to be secure, but it opened and he quickly entered, then it closed. She looked up from the table at him.

"Hi, what's going on?" She asked him, noticing he had on his sleepwear, sweat pants and a tee shirt. She had hers on, shorts and a tank top.

"I can't sleep" he told her, "and no one saw me" he said before she could ask, he wasn't really dressed appropriately to come into her cabin.

"Why can't you sleep?" She stood up facing him. "Headache?"

He walked towards her "no, this is a little lower"

She met him half way "oh yeah, how much lower?"

He took her gently into his arms and started kissing her. When he started to kiss the sensitive part of her neck she moaned in his ear "oh, that much lower, huh?" Then she caught her breath as his hand traveled under her shirt and tickled some of her tender spots.

He growled in her ear "You have no idea."

"I think I might" she said breathlessly as he lifted her up and took her to the bed, where he showed her how much he had missed her, as she showed him in kind.

* * *

He woke up with her face looking into his as she lay on his chest and on the side of his body. "Hi" she said.

He pulled her tightly to him "Hi."

"You're going to have to get up and get dressed, I need to get you out of here."

He groaned "No I don't want to go" and he held her tighter.

"Yeah, I know, I don't want you to go either, but you have to go." She told him.

He rolled them over so she was under him and buried his head into her neck. She closed her eyes and enjoyed his weight on her body. She ran her hands down his back feeling every muscle. "Kaidan." She said

"No." he said into her neck.

"Kaidan, please, be reasonable, don't make this harder than it already is."

"You smell so good." He lifted his head and looked into her face. "You are beautiful." He kissed her again.

She sighed "Your beautiful too, now get up and get dressed." And he pouted. She couldn't help but laugh at him. "Yeah, I'm afraid that as adorable as that is, you still have to leave, come on before everyone starts getting up"

He kissed her one more time and then got out of bed taking the sheet with him so he could look at her body. He looked at the chronometer "Actually we have a lot more time than I thought." And he jumped back into bed on top of her again. She protested (halfheartedly) until he touched her in the places that he knew would make her concede to his superior wisdom on the matter.

* * *

"Kaidan" she shook him. "Kaidan wake up"

He groaned and rolled over taking her into his arms burying his head into her side. "I'm awake." He told her.

"All evidence to the contrary" she told him.

He started to nibble on her side and she pushed him away and said "oh no, now we have no time to fool around. You need to get up and get dressed and we have to figure out how to get you out of the cabin in your sleepwear without anyone seeing you."

"Go and get my clothes" he suggested, "then I can stay here."

"Haven't you had enough yet?" she asked him.

"Well.. it has been two weeks" he told her.

"Yeah well you had better not make this a habit." She told him. "We are going to get caught and just because the crew isn't saying anything doesn't mean they're oblivious."

"Just tonight, please" he asked her.

"Oh, alright, there probably isn't anyone downstairs anyway." She pulled on her clothes.

"You spoil me,... or I would like you to." He looked her slyly.

"Yeah, I got you that new armor, what more do you want?" she asked as she walked out the door.

"Well… I want it all." He said to himself.

* * *

He slipped out of her cabin while no one was looking and went to join everyone at breakfast.

Shepard came down from the CIC and joined them.

She tossed down a data pad "I think we need to check out the Amada system in the Omega Nebula. There are three ships that have gone missing in that sector and the Council thinks it is the geth. There doesn't appear to be any habitable planets in that system so it might be a good place for them to hide. Be ready in case we find a base" she tells them as they pass around the data pad. "We'll be there in ten hours and will start scanning then." She sat down and picked up her oatmeal, thanking Kaidan for getting it for her.

"Shepard the geth are all just weak little groups now, why are we tracking them down? It just seems a waste of time." Garrus asked.

"It's what the council wants. I have no problem going after the geth especially when three ships have gone missing."

"Yes well three ships, that is a red flag." Joker said.

"Yes, that was meant to get the Council's attention." Kaidan said. "But the geth already have the Council's attention. It doesn't make any sense."

"Well then I guess that is why we are being sent to investigate it." Shepard said.

They had a leisurely breakfast and went on for the day.

* * *

For four days they had been searching this sector and still no closer to finding out what happened to the missing ships. They had been moving systematicly towards the center of the system. Shepard was taking a break while Pressley took over. She picked up her tea and she heard Joker yell "brace for evasive manuvers!" She dropped her teacup as she felt the ship get hit. She ran to suit up her tea forgotten.

* * *

Kaidan ran over to the last escape pod, the one that Shepard and Joker were in. Dr. Chakwas and Garrus were right behind him. Trying to release the hatch Kaidan's hands kept slipping off the cold metal. It didn't help that they were shaking. He wouldn't be able to stop until she was back in his arms. The door opened and he looked inside and he saw... only Joker.

He froze and he couldn't move.

"I'm sorry Kaidan, that ship attacked again and Shepard was thrown clear. She jettisoned the pod. I think she's gone." Joker told him.

"No" Kaidan whispered. Dr. Chakwas entered the pod to help Joker, he had at the very least a broken arm.

"Kaidan you need to come away, your in charge now. You need to take charge." Garrus said, wanting to get Kaidan away from Joker in case this didn't go well.

Kaidan turned to look at Garrus not seeing him.

Liara came running up to them "where is she, where is Shepard!" she yelled grabbing Kaidan and turning him to face her. She saw the deep pain in his eyes. "NO!" she screamed banging on his armor. "NO! It can't be, It can't." Kaidan grabbed her arms and they both collapsed to their knees. Liara cried hysterically into her hands. He just sat on his knees beside her staring. Each a stark contrast to the others' grief.

Tali came up and pulled Liara up out of the snow. The two of them hug each other tightly sharing their grief.

Garrus lifted Kaidan by the arm and he stood up, then he shook his head. He had to get everyone to safety. _I have to do this, she will be upset with me when she gets here and finds out I dropped the ball. _He gets everyone organized and they set the emergency beacons first. Then because the planet is so cold they get the emergency raitions out and the blankets and heaters. Now they would have to sit and wait. Wait. To be rescued.

* * *

Chakwas walked over to Kaidan. "How is Joker?" he asked her.

"Shepard broke his arm getting him into the pod." she put her hand on his arm "I'm so sorry Kaidan, I know what Shepard means to you."

"She'll be back soon." he said.

"Kaidan, Shepard is gone. She will not be back."

"Your wrong, Joker is wrong. She will be here. She won't leave me alone. She knows I can't live without her. I told her. I told her, she won't leave me. She told me she would be there."

Dr. Chakwas takes his face in both her hands and makes him look into her eyes and says very slowly "Kaidan, Shepard is gone. She wouldn't have left you alone if she could have helped it. But even she could not have survived being thrown from the ship. You know that Kaidan, and now you have to face it."

That was when his whole world came crashing down around him.


	26. Chapter 26

Okay now stay with me people, they ride is going to get a bit bumpy from here but it is the best way for me to tell the story so hang in there. We are going to be in Present day which will be Shepards view and then will be flashing back to the things that happen to her 'family' while she was gone, so everything will be covered...eventually I think. Remember most of my stuff is behind the game, so enjoy... And as always Bioware owns all!

Now lets see how Shepard is handling her new life, I am sure it will be very emotional for her...

* * *

**New Life?**

Walking around this new Normandy I notice everything is shiny and bright. I miss the dark relaxing environment of the old SR1. I miss my friends. I miss Kaidan.

Joker is here in the cockpit. I stand behind him and listen to his noise effects and comments about calibrations before I approach him, the last man I saw before I died. He is all gushing about the new ship, but to me it is but a pale imitation of the original. He tells me that it will be alright, better than before. I hope so, because I died last time. He does have issues with the AI, can't blame him really since we have been fighting the geth for a while. Had been fighting, I keep forgetting.

Two years they tell me, but it's only been two days my head tells me. Two days since my family home was destroyed. Two days since my family was shot into space in escape pods. Joker tells me they are all alive. He doesn't know where they are. He won't talk to me about Kaidan. Yeah I guess me going to save Joker and then dying wouldn't have sat well with Kaidan. I try to explain my need to know, but Joker just says he just doesn't know, that they didn't keep in touch.

I leave Joker and EDI the AI and walk through the rest of the ship. I find my new assistant by the elevator. She tells me her name is Kelly, a bit too perky for my taste, and overly helpful. I have started to shut down my emotions. I have done it before, in fact until Kaidan, I have done it all my military life. I start taking everything and storing it in a cabinet in the attic of my mind. Garrus, with his blue armor and small blue eyes and manly chuckle, top drawer left. Wrex with his gruff voice and violent temper, bottom drawer right. Tali, with her electronic voice and bright personality and delicate fingers, second drawer left right under Garrus. I just saw her on Freedom's Progress but she couldn't join me, or didn't want to because of Cerberus. Liara with her childlike voice, loving smile and sweet personality, top drawer right. Dr. Chakwas with her motherly command of things, bottom drawer left. And Kaidan, the only man I ever loved. Top drawer center.

Two years. What are the chances he waited for me for two years. Well considering from his point of view I was dead, I would say they were not in my favor. Handsome young marine, yes, probably not a chance in hell. As I walked towards the med bay I thought it was time that my walls went back up. I am not going to let more people in to hurt me. I will keep them away from my heart. I can do this. I will do this.

I walked into the sparkling new med bay and the doctor didn't even turn around. She was sitting in a chair at a desk with her back to me. I said "Hello, I'm Commander Shepard, I am going around and meeting the crew."

"Commander Shepard, good to see you" Dr. Chakwas it's you. I can take you out of the drawer.

"Hey doc it's great to see you too!" I try and question her about everyone, but again she can't help with the one man I am trying to find. She can't even tell me if he has moved on. Two years, so much could have changed. God he could even have a family. I need to shut this out. Need to let it go. I have Collectors to stop. I make arrangements to at least have dinner with her and Joker every night, trying to gain back some of my happiness that I once had. Family dinner I like to call it. She and Joker agree to do it for me. Won't be the same, but at least I will have some connection to my old life. The one from only two days ago.

I meet everyone, find out what they need and go up to my cabin. It's too big, It's too bright. It's too empty. There is a fish tank, well I'm not a big fan of fish but I love the water. Watching the plants move and flow, that's nice, I will leave just it like that. There is a model cabinet with a model of the SR2 already inside. Well maybe I can pick up more, we'll see. I check on clothing. Not much choice, this stupid Cerberus uniform or a colonial outfit. Maybe I can pick up some ACU's from the Citadel. I am not wearing this Cerberus shit, so I op for the colonial outfit. It's uncomfortable, but it will remind me that my body is uncomfortable. I check the armor they offer me better but I am sticking with my old N7 – well not really it's new N7 but I'll get some upgrades when I can and it will do fine. I am a soldier after all, I will cope.

I walk over to the desk in the antiseptic room that is now my home. I sit down and to my right there is a flicker so I turn. Looking at me from a plain frame is Kaidan. I wonder who put it here. It's not my favorite picture of him, it's an Alliance portfolio snap. I touch the frame, my heart aches. I have to do this. I need to put it away. But I can't. I leave the picture there so I can look at it often. It's all I have, my memories. They will have to do. I need to put up my walls. The walls that Kaidan destroyed so thoroughly. I need my walls. One by one I put them back remembering what it felt like to ignore my emotions. It was weak, but it would get stronger.

I open my personal terminal since Kelly had advised I had unread messages. I find a bunch of Cerberus crap about the armor I am not wearing. But there are some weapons that I think I will use. A collector assault rifle, okay, that will come in handy. An M29 sniper rifle, well I can certainly use that. There is a letter from Anderson. Come to the Citadel, he requests. Well that will be my first stop. I call Joker and have him head to the Citadel. ETA 15 hours, well as soon as we can get there I guess.

I turn the music off, not my music, it's someone else's. Wonder if I can get any of my old things. Well this is only temporary, I am not staying with Cerberus, I hate them. They are vile. They are murderers. But colonies are disappearing, I can't allow that. Then of course I will have to stop the Reapers. Why is it my responsibility? Why do I have to fix everything? Why can't I have a life? But I know I will not stand by and let this happen, someone has to stop it, might as well be me. It's what I do.

I move my hand, and a barrier appears. Damn! Something new Cerberus added to the mix. Miranda told me that I was reinforced, stronger. They added the barrier to protect their investment I guess. She wanted to add more biotics but TIM (The Illusive Man was just to god damn long) shot her down. They wanted me the same as I was. I guess adding a barrier fit the parameters. I will have to work on controlling it. I guess I will get used to it. I wonder what else they added. They say nothing, but I'm not so sure. I get up to look in the mirror, I haven't seen myself yet. Joker and the doc both knew me, so I couldn't have changed that much. I look in the mirror at my face, which is still bathed in the blue of the barrier. The barrier fades and I see the glow where the implants are mending my face. I look at my left cheek looking for my scar, the one I got at the Blitz, it's gone. The one on my lip is gone. This is my face... but it's not. My war wounds gone, just like everything else in my life.

And this is just day one.


	27. Chapter 27

Bioware owns all.

* * *

**Funeral**

_Two years ago, 16 days after the attack._

It was a big affair. Everyone in dress blues, it's so big they have to set up chairs and vid screens outside for people who want to attend but can't fit in the room. The crew of the Normandy is given front row seats, but they won't be talking, won't be making any speeches. Too many aliens in the crew, and one of the humans might say the wrong thing. One might mention the Reapers. Right now they are not even talking to each other. This is supposed to give closure, supposed to help them move on from the sadness, but it is not working.

Liara is sitting between Joker and Kaidan. Joker looks like he ate something that didn't agree with him. She could almost say that he looked green. Kaidan was a stark contrast, his face was blank, the eyes on the other hand were black holes that no emotion could escape. She has tried to talk to him, tried to share her feelings with him. He is the one man in this room that felt exactly the same way she did, because she had loved Shepard as much as he had. The only difference is Shepard had loved him back.

She looked up at the picture they had on the podium. No coffin because they can't find her body. It shouldn't matter, but it does. Liara doesn't understand why it bothers her so. The words that they say, they are nice words, but they have no substance. These people did not really know this woman. They did not see the caring way she took care of her team, of her crew. They didn't see her sadness after Vimire. They didn't see her joy when she killed a thresher maw. They had no idea what it meant to be a part of the Normandy. How it changed your life.

Liara took Kaidan's hand in hers, but he pulled it away from her, slowly as not to draw attention to them. She looked at him but he stared straight ahead. He was there, but he wasn't. It brought tears to her eyes she looked away from him. She felt a hand take her other hand and she turned and looked into Joker's face. His eyes were shiny from the tears he was too proud to shed. She whispered "thank you Joker' to him. He smiled at her. They sat through the rest of the service hand in hand morning Shepard... together.

After the service everyone that Shepard would have dinner with every night, her family, got together to have a drink. Everyone except Kaidan. Dr. Chakwas had tried to get him to come, but no matter what she said to him, he just shook his head. Finally he just turned away from her and walked out. Garrus went after him, but came back without him.

They laughed they cried and in the end no one got drunk, because Shepard wouldn't have liked that.

Liara left the others feeling much better then she had earlier. She thought about all the nice things that were said and all the love that was among them. Shepard would have been proud of them.

She walked back to the asari consulate where she had been staying. When she entered the room she saw that there was a message on her terminal. Opening the message she couldn't believe what she read. She made arrangements to leave as soon as possible, because this was one thing she was not going to let happen. Liara was gone before morning.

* * *

Kaidan walked back to the room he was given to stay in for the funeral. Awarded to him for being a Savior of the Cidadel. As far as he was concerned there could be only one Savior of the Citadel, and it wasn't him. He got into the room and changed out of his dress blues. He pulled on his sweat pants and tee shirt and sat in one of the two chairs that occupied the room. Two chairs, a table, a bed, a closet, a vid screen, a chest and a lamp. Pretty standard really. He knew he should eat, but he just couldn't bring himself to. He closed his eyes, and she was there with him, sitting across from him and smiling at him. He didn't know how long he sat there just imagining her siting across from him but he was jarred back to reality by a knock on the door.

He got up an opened the door not even mindful of the attire he had on. Garrus was standing there.

"What do you want?" Kaidan asked him.

"We need to talk Kaidan."

"I don't need to talk Garrus" he said as he tried to close the door, but Garrus pushed it open and stepped inside.

"Well at least we know you can still form a sentence." Garrus said to him as he walked over to one of the chairs and sat down. Kaidan walked back to the other chair and sat down.

"So what did you think of her service?"

'You did not come here to ask me bout that... thing." Kaidan said with anger in his voice.

"Okay so there is still something going on it that brain of yours, I was beginning to wonder about that. They gave her another metal you know, for saving Joker."

"She hated metals." Kaidan said softly. "She said they didn't mean anything."

"What, you mean all those metals she had and she didn't care for any of it."

"No." Kaidan said, and Garus could just see a tear slide down his cheek before he put his head down.

"Now Kaidan I came here to see if you needed anything."

"What I need..." and he stopped because he was going to say what he really needed was Shepard, but Garrus knew that almost better than anyone else. So instead he said " What I need is to be left alone."

"Kaidan I want to help you."

"Please Garrus..." Kaidan stood up "could you please just go."

Garrus stood up and walked to the door, Kaidan followed behind him. Garrus turned right before he got to the door. "You know Kaidan, we loved her too."

"Garrus please." Kaidan pleaded.

Garrus just looked at Kaidan, shook his head, opened the door and walked out.

Kaidan closed and locked the door and then turned and leaned back against it. He slid down it until he landed on the floor with his knees in front of him.

And then the tears came.


	28. Chapter 28

Bioware owns everything Mass Effect including the characters and the other things that are roaming around in my brain. If your still hanging in after all this, Thank You!

* * *

**Spectre**

-Present day-

The Black of space. Pieces of the Normandy all around. She is struggling. She is flying through space, no oxygen, she can't breath. One thought running through her head. _Kaidan_. Shepard sits up in bed gulping in air. She is sweating and her heart is racing.

"Commander, are you alright?" EDI's blue head lights up the room.

"Yes EDI I am alright." _Liar _she thinks. "EDI do you monitor my room?"

"Yes Commander."

"Would you stop doing that please?"

"If you allow me to monitor your life signs I believe I can cut the audio and video feeds and still be within the parameters on my monitoring your well being. Would that be acceptable?"

"Yes that would be okay I guess." She would take what she could get. They probably had other surveillance devices all around the cabin anyway. There wasn't anything happening here so who cared.

"Commander, do you need the doctor?" EDI asked.

Shepard willed her heart to slow down. "No EDI I just had a bad dream, it will pass." she tells it. 'This too will pass' her Gram had always told her. "Thank you. That will be all EDI."

"Logging you off, Commander."

She got up out of bed. She needed a robe, she added it to the shopping list in her head. Its a good thing they gave her some credits, she needed to replace some things to bring some order to her life. She went to the sterile bathroom, again too bright and shiny. She splashed cold water on her face, turning away as she saw her reflection in the mirror _that's not me_._ How long am I going to feel like a stranger in my own body?_

She pulled on one of the stupid colonial outfit she had to wear longing for her ACUs. Plain clothing was on her list of things to pick up. Maybe she could find a cup of tea somewhere on this ship. She probably won't be able to find any tea to buy from earth on the Citadel that she could afford. Of course all her tea supplies went down with her life on the original Normandy. That tea Kaidan had given her would have been just perfect for a night like tonight. _Now you stop that_ she tells herself _the world does not revolve around Kaidan Alenko! _She shakes her head. _Yes, it does _her heart tells her.

She turns to look at the frame that holds his picture as she passes the desk for the cabin door. She doesn't see him, the frame is dark because the holo doesn't activate unless she approaches it. She continues to the door and exits the cabin. Taking the elevator down to the mess she approaches the cabinets that store the food for the ship. She looks through them all, but can't find anything that even remotely resembles tea. She would have to ask Rupert if he had anything. She took a glass of water instead as she couldn't find any milk to reconstitute either.

She goes back up to her room and grabs the four dossiers TIM has giving her. She is still hoping that when she gets to the Citadel the Alliance and Council will come through, but considering her record with them she knows she will probably be disappointed. It's a false hope, she has a couple of them these days. She goes back down to the crew deck and enters the port observation deck. The window is overly large but EDI assures her there are shields that can be put in place if needed.

She sits on the couch and looks out the onto the void. _After what happened you would think I would nerver want to look at space again_ she thought. Watching the stars comforted her though, it was another constant from an earlier time, her youth. On the ships her parents were assigned to, she would always be hanging out by a port staring into space, when she wasn't bugging the crew to teach her things. She always knew she would join the Alliance and she wanted to know everything she could before she got there. Young Shepard was a little sponge soaking up all they would give her and then some. She shook her head again, no use looking into the past.

She pulled out the dossier for Mordin Solis, Scientist. Miranda had suggested going after him first because he could help find a way to combat those flying swarms that Veetor showed them on Freedom's Progress. She leaned back on the arm of the couch and put her feet up so she could relax and read the dossier.

"Commander, we're fifteen minutes out from docking at the Citadel" Joker's voice Sounded over her comm snapping her awake.

"Alright Joker I will be right there." She must have fallen asleep. She sat up and looked at the pile of data pads now on the floor. Well at least she got some sleep, and no dreams thank goodness. She picked up the data pads and headed upstairs to get her armor on.

* * *

Well, at least that was over. No reports and she was a Spectre again. It wasn't perfect, but it would do. The only thing that bothered her was that she still couldn't find Kaidan. Anderson told her he had been promoted. He would outrank her now if they would let her reenlist. If she ever saw him again that is. Anderson wouldn't tell her where he was because of Cerberus. Not being able to get any information out of anybody reference him was really starting to get on her nerves. It's like the universe was fucking with her.

She stopped in the new bar and was able to pick up a bottle of Brandy for the doctor and now she was on her way to pick up the provisions for Rupert. She couldn't find any tea that she liked though and that was a disappointment. She found a robe and some shorts and tops to sleep in. It wasn't earth cotton, but cotton grown on a colonial world, it was cheaper and it would do well enough. She wasn't able to find any casual wear that was comfortable so she was going to have to wear the stupid colonial outfit a bit longer. She did find two upgrades that would improve her armor.

Jacob and Miranda were following her around like little puppy dogs. She tried to tell them she could shop alone, but they wouldn't let her out of their sight. They had trust issues she guessed. She picked up the provisions and they went back to the ship.

* * *

"Commander a package came for you while you were out." Joker told her. "Kelly took it."

"Thank you, Joker." She turned to Miranda "Since your going to your office can you tell Rupert the provisions he requested should be here shortly so he can get ready for them."

"Certainly commander" Miranda advised and she left the bridge with Jacob trailing after her.

"Joker, they made me a Spectre again but we have to stay in the Terminus Systems, well for the most part anyway. I assume we are allowed to come back here" she made a face.

"That's good, Commander, are they going to help with the Collectors?" Joker asked.

"No. The Reapers don't exist and so by extension, neither do the Collectors. It all becomes my problem again since I am the only one that believes it."

"Well Commander, you'll take care of it."

"Yeah, see you at dinner okay?"

"Okay Commander."

She went up to Kelly and asked about the package.

"It's right here Commander." She handed Shepard a box "I went to put it in your office but EDI wouldn't let me up there."

"That's fine." Shepard told her.

"Well you could tell EDI that I was allowed to go up there in case I need to put anything in there in the future." Kelly told her.

Shepard headed to the elevator "That's okay Kelly, I don't mind taking a package up to my office myself, but thank you anyway." She said as the doors cut off any response Kelly could have had.

* * *

She put the box on the table by the couch and looked at the label. It didn't say what planet it was from, but it had a 'Way Of Peace' sticker on it. Well not too odd really except it was awful big to just have a honey delivery in it. When she was a teen she had become friends with some people from the Way of Peace. It was an anti arms pro peace organization. She had only spent a little time with them for a few months but they taught her some things. In the end she couldn't join because she wouldn't give up her guns. Her guns were too important a part of her. She didn't see much of the Way Of Peace members after that and then they severed ties with her when she joined the Alliance. The honey started showing up a month later. Never a note, never a word, just honey. She was sure it was from Trey, he had been sweet on her, but of course she hadn't been interested in him in that way.

She put the box on her desk and opened it. There was a tea pot, some tea towels, four mugs in the style she preferred, a tin of honey and a large tin of her favorite coconut tea. This time there was a note.

Z—

I know your ship was destroyed and I figured you lost everything. I don't know where you've been for the past two years, but if you are ready to tell the Alliance goodbye, the Way Of Peace is still here for you. We are glad you're back.

T—

She smiled, he meant he was glad. This was the best gift, her tea. The only question she had is; how did he find out where she was. It was odd, but he always seemed to find her no matter where she was stationed. The honey showed up with no delay no matter what ship she was on. The note was a surprise though, she hadn't heard from him for over twelve years… well fourteen she corrected herself.

She went down and got a container of hot water from Rupert, then came up to her cabin and made herself a cup of tea. She took her first sip and the world relaxed around her. She felt a bit more like herself now.

* * *

Dr. Chakwas and Joker joined her for dinner.

"So Kaidan has been promoted, to Staff Commander" Shepard said as she watched for the doctor's and Joker's reactions.

Joker was surprised "Moving up in the universe is he? Well good for him."

"That's nice." was all the doctor said, she didn't seem to have much reaction at all.

"You guys really didn't keep in contact with Kaidan at all?" Shepard asked.

"Well Commander, I tried to, at first" the doctor told her. "But I think he always equated me with the person that made him realize you were really not coming back. It hurt him too I think. Then when they couldn't find your body... well he just never returned any of my calls."

"Yeah, and I got his girlfriend killed, so he wouldn't talk to me either, at least that's how I saw it. I think Garrus and Tali said he wouldn't talk to them either. Liara, well, she was really upset when you died and she left Citadel space shortly after the funeral. Wrex was...well just Wrex, although he did say something about your death not being good enough for you."

"Funeral... I had a funeral?"

"An Alliance function of course, broadcast over the extranet. Everyone attended, made a bunch of speeches and such. They didn't let the crew speak of course. Anderson said some really touching things." the doctor told her.

"I can get you a copy if you'd like."

"No Joker, I don't need to see that at all. That would just be morbid" she told him.

"That's a good idea Shepard, put it all behind you." Chakwas told her.

"Yeah, having a little bit of a hard time with that. A week ago I was on the deck of my Normandy having dinner with you and the rest of the squad, joking and laughing. A few days later and you are all split up and I can't find Kaidan."

"It has been two years Shepard, you have to face the fact that he may have moved on." Chakwas said gently what Shepard had already been thinking. "You have to face that he is not available to you and may never be again."

"I know Doc" she told her "but it's only been a few days, can you give me some leeway here?"

"Shepard, I just don't want you to be hurt."

"I died Doc. The hurt is already there. I just have to let it go. Having you both here should help me do that."

"So we're going to Omega, what are we doing there?" Joker asked trying to change the subject and lighten the mood.

"Well I have to get a team together and The Illusive Man, and if you don't mind I'm going to be calling him TIM from now on, suggested this scientist and a merc named Archangel. They are both on Omega, so it's as good a place to start as any." she answered him.

"A merc named Archangel? He sounds like a ray of sunshine Commander." Joker told her.

"Yeah well whatever we need to get this job done and get us out from the clutches of Cerberus." she told him.

"From you mouth to god's ear, Shepard." Dr. Chakwas said.

* * *

Jacob entered the mess and saw the Commander sitting and talking with the doctor and Joker. They were eating dinner together. Well she did know them from before, maybe she was trying to get some familiarity back in her life. He sat on the other side of the mess where he could watch them. He was curious about the Commander, she was one hell of a fighter. She was one hell of a Commander too. She didn't always take the easy way out and seemed to command with her heart as well as her head. She wouldn't let them take Veetor from the quarians even though she could have. He knows Miranda didn't like that, and he had sided her on that, but the Commander got the data and got it done. If she wasn't there they would have taken Veetor and risked more bad blood between Cerberus and the quarians. Maybe her way was better. He'd have to think on that.

* * *

Shepard felt a bit better back in her cabin after dinner. Maybe that is what she needed just a talk with friends. Well back to work in the morning. She changed out of her clothing and into her shorts and tank top feeling even more normal. Putting on her robe she walked over to her desk and sat down. The holo came to life and she looked into Kaidan's face. Doc was right, handsome man like that, with his beautiful brown eyes and he sweet but firm disposition, bound to be females banging down his door. She felt a stab of pain in her heart. _I should put this away _she thought, but she couldn't, it was too soon. She fondled the frame and said to it "Good night, Kaidan" then she got up and went to bed.


	29. Chapter 29

Bioware owns all!

* * *

**Moving On?**

-_Six weeks after the attack on the Normandy_-

She was counting on him. He made sure that Dr. Chakwas was in the escape pod. He hit the switch and watched the pod eject safely with everyone inside. He turned to follow Shepard up to the bridge. He walked through CIC and noticed the quiet fog floating all around. He walked up the walkway to the cockpit as he saw Shepard helping Joker into an escape pod and then he saw a flash of light and she was flying into space and he is running to catch her. She is just beyond his reach he is straining to get her yelling her name over and over. He reached out using his biotics to pull her back to him. Kaidan wakes up as he is hit in the head with his omni tool which has answered the pull that sent in his sleep.

He puts his omni back on his arm, at least it wasn't the chair that hit him like the other day, it was a good thing he had removed almost everything from the room. This was the third time this week he had that dream. The thought that if he had stayed he could save her kept going through his mind. The knowing that if he had stayed behind, he might have been able to get her into the pod. He knows he could have! If only he stayed.

They couldn't find her body. The amount of pain that caused him was unbelievable. If they had her body he would know where she was. Silly because it was just a body, she was no longer inside. But her body would be something he could focus on. Something that would mean something. A part of her that he could be close to. Right now he had nothing. All their things went down on the Normandy. He didn't have anything of her, not even a shirt or a pillow. Nothing.

He got out of bed knowing that sleep was not going to find him again this morning. He went by rote over his morning routine not even thinking about what he was doing. Anderson was going to be in meetings all morning but he wanted to see Kaidan the first thing in the afternoon.

There was a call from a lawyer asking him to come down to his office for a reading of her will. He wasn't going to go, and then he thought she wanted him to go, that's why she had added him to her will.

* * *

Entering the office he saw that the lawyer was there with an older couple sitting at the desk.

"Lieutenant Alenko, I was afraid you wouldn't come. This is Mr. and Mrs. Shepard," the lawyer had not used their ranks. Kaidan stopped as the female in the chair stood and turned and he was face to face with Shepard's nose and mouth. He looked at the male who also stood, he had Shepard's eyes, her beautiful blue eyes. Hannah Shepard walked over to him and took him in her arms and hugged him tight. He could feel the tears starting in his eyes. She pulled back and looked into his eyes,

"Zin was right, you have the most beautiful brown eyes." She wiped a tear from his cheek "Now come on, none of that young man, she wouldn't want you to waste tears on her. You know that. She wrote me about you, did you know that?"

"I thought she had Ma'am." he said.

"Yes well, she loved you. She never said it of course, but I know my daughter, and she loved you or she would never have written me about you."

He couldn't stop the tears "I love her too." he choked.

"Come on son, sit down." Her father snapped at him "Mama, make the boy sit already." he told his wife.

She nudged Kaidan to a chair and sat him down, she sat down next to her husband. Kaidan watched as her husband grabbed her hand and squeezed it, just like Shepard would do to him. He looked up into her father's eyes, so like hers and saw understanding there.

"Oh, I have something for you Lieutenant." she said.

"Kaidan, you can call me Kaidan."

Alright, Kaidan. I have a holo of Zin for you. I know that everything you had was destroyed with the Normandy. I took it on our last vacation together" and she held out a picture frame to him. He took it and when he got it in his hand it activated, and there she was. She had her sly smile on and was dressed in a simple blue top. She had a glass of milk in her hand and it looked like she was bringing it to her lips.

"She sure did love her milk." he said quietly.

"Yes, she did. That's why I picked that one for the frame, this OSD has several others of her that I thought you might like." she handed it to him.

"Thank you Ma'am. You don't know what this means to me." he told her.

"Yes son," Shepard's father told him."She does."

* * *

"Two million credits?" Kaidan asked in shock. "She left me two million credits, Twinglyn Cabin and mineral rights. Why would she do that?"

The lawyer just looked at him, he didn't have an explanation for him.

"To show you she cared for you, that's why." Shepard's father said.

"My dear, what the heck are we going to do with six million credits." Hannah Shepard asked her husband.

"Well Mama, I guess we will worry about that when you're ready for us to retire." Kaidan saw a twinkle in Shepards father's eye that was just like hers.

"She also left two million dollars to be split up between some of her other crew members, and of course mineral rights for you, her parents, too. That's about it. I asked you to come down her because the two bequests for you and Lieutenant Alenko are the bulk of the estate." The lawyer told them. "Since you and your wife are her closest living relatives I need to find out if you have a problem with the bequests your daughter made for her estate, if you're going to object, you must do it now."

"Fool, no one questions Zinya Shepard. If that is what she wanted you to do, then do it!" her father snapped at him, and Kaidan heard Shepard in every word.

"So you have no objection to Kaidan Alenko's bequest." the lawyer asked.

"No, he's family." her mother said.

"No he isn't Mrs. Shepard."

"That's Commander Shepard mister" Mr. Shepard said. "If my wife says he is family, then he is family. So no we have no objections to his bequest or to any of the crews'. Is that clear enough for your records?"

The lawyer hit a few buttons on his omni tool and Kaidan realized this was a formality that needed to be accomplished. "Yes it is. Thank you everybody, the credits will be sent to your Alliance accounts by morning and the paperwork for the mineral rights and cabin will be forwarded to the Alliance attorney that is assigned to each of you" and he got up and left the room.

"The cabin, she left me the cabin, but it was her grandmother's. Don't you want it?" Kaidan asked her parents.

"Oh no, sir, she was the only one that was ever happy there. The rule of Twinglyn Cabin is that whom ever owns it had to have truly happy moments there. I didn't really like the place. Secluded, could only get there by boat. Yeah, I never liked it there, but Zin loved it. She loved the fishing, the forest and the quiet. If she left it to you she must have felt you would be happy there." The Commander told him.

"I was, we spent shore leave there before..." Kaidan couldn't finish.

"Than, again, I am going to say she knew what she was doing." She told him.

"We have one more thing we would like to give to you son." Mr. Shepard told him and he realized he didn't even know her fathers rank.

He handed Kaidan a small case. "When someone is awarded a Star of Terra their family is given the metal if they have died. I think she would have wanted you to have it. I know you have your own, but we have her one from the Blitz. You should keep this one."

Kaidan took a deep breath and opened the case. There was a small placard that listed her name, the date and the words 'Savior of the Citadel' on it. And next to that was her Star of Terra. His hands were shaking. They didn't know that Shepard didn't care about the metal, that's why they had her medal from the Blitz. Although her Star of Terra didn't mean that much to Shepard, it did to him. "Thank..." his voice broke, he tried again "Thank you so much. I don't know what to say."

"That is all you needed to say Kaidan, Zin would have wanted you to have something to remember her by. I couldn't think of anything that would have as much meaning for you as it did for her, except that."

"Yes, she wasn't really into things," her father said, "but we love her and we're proud of her."

"I did need something. Thank you, I will treasure it always."

"We know you will, son. We know you will." Mr. Shepard said.

* * *

Promoted? He had gone to Anderson's office straight from the Lawyers office. He wondered how long before he stopped looking for her every time someone called him Commander. As he returned to his room he realized this had be one hell of a day.

He should be happy, he should be celebrating. What was wrong with him. Walking back to his room he saw Garrus walking towards C-Sec, and he had avoided him. Dr. Chakwas had called several times, but he never returned the calls. This morning with Shepard's parents was the most he had talked about her since her death.

Her death, that was the problem. He could feel the headache starting, he could see the aura's around lights that told him it was going to be a bad one. He took her metal out of his pocket and put it away next to his. He put her picture on the table next to the bed. He didn't know if he would leave it there but for tonight he just wanted to see her. He took his medicine and changed his clothes and layed down just as the nausea and intense pain hit. Willing the medication to take effect quickly he lay in the bed trying not to think of anything. Hoping that the medication would stop the pain.

Hoping it would stop the dreams.


	30. Chapter 30

Bioware owns all! I can't believe how many people are out there reading this, I thank you all.

* * *

**Add A Scientist**

~Present Day~

Shepard got up and got out of bed. She didn't remember any dreams from last night. Well that was a plus. She activated her comm "Joker how far out are we from Omega?"

"ETA one hour Commander, and good morning."

"Thank you, and good morning to you Joker, and what do you want?"

"Now, Commander, why would you say that?"

"Because in all the time I have known you, you have never told me good morning in that way."

"Okay well, EDI might be logging a complaint about me."

"What did you do?"

"Nothing, nothing. I just opened the panel underneath her and tried to find an off button."

"Joker, I told you, no hacking!"

"But Commander, she is always here!"

"You might grow to like it Joker." She told him noticing that he called EDI a 'she'.

"Yeah, like that will happen, see you later Commander."

"See you later, and be good."

"No promises, okay." Joker said.

* * *

She got up to start her daily routine. She did some stretches and running in place, since she had no time to go to the gym and do a full workout. She went in and took her shower using the mirror only to comb her hair and than looking away as fast as possible. She put her armor on since she would be leaving the ship soon, but took her helmet with her instead of putting it on because she wanted to eat breakfast. She was trying to get herself back to some form of normalcy.

She went down to the mess and went to get her oatmeal. Rupert Gardner was there and he offered to get it for her, she wasn't used to having a cook in the mess, she was used to getting it herself.

"So how do you like it Commander?"

"With sweetening, I prefer sugar, brown if you have it, two teaspoons please, with some cream powder if you have it, and a glass of milk please."

"You know if you would like I can make you bacon and eggs or pancakes, Commander."

"I can't eat eggs, and I prefer my oatmeal, but thank you Rupert."

"You can't eat eggs, what do you mean Commander."

"I am allergic to eggs, so I can't eat them, and if you would like to make a note, for future reference I would appreciate it."

"No problem Commander, I will make sure you never have eggs in your food." He handed her the milk and oatmeal.

"Thank you."

She went over to the table where some of the crew members were sitting and eating their meals. She said good morning but then sat on the other side away from where they were sitting. She really didn't want to get to know this new crew, since she had no intention staying with Cerberus longer than needed. She took a spoon full of oatmeal, it was perfect. She closed her eyes and savored the oatmeal, one of her 'constants'. That was a mistake, because than she pictured sitting in her cabin with Kaidan, the day he had brought her oatmeal after Ash's death. She opened her eyes and shook her head trying to remove the vision and then noticed that Jacob Taylor had come in and was getting his breakfast from Rupert, she saw it was a good biotic portion. When he had his food he headed straight for her. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"Commander, may I join you?"

"If you would like too Mr. Taylor, that would be fine."

He sat down across from her and started eating his breakfast. Once he had a head start he asked her "so who are we going to contact first on Omega?"

"I decided to accept Miranda's suggestion and contact the scientist first. The faster he can begin work, the better chance we have of him developing a defense against the swarms" Shepard told him.

"Yes, that seems like a good idea Commander."

"Well, I am happy you approve." She said without inflection.

"Commander I meant no disrespect." Jacob said.

"Duly noted, Mr. Taylor." She said calmly continuing to eat her meal. Jacob was confused, this is not the woman that was talking animatedly to her companions at the dinner table last night. She was not being rude but she wasn't being personable. They had been through two firefights so far and he thought that would loosen her up a bit. It didn't seem to have much effect on her at all.

"Commander, do you have a problem with me?"

"No, Mr. Taylor, you're a competent soldier and handle you weapons and powers efficiently and you are acceptable back up in a fight."

'_Acceptable'_ Jacob though. "So then you just don't like me."

"Mr. Taylor, I don't know you."

"Well, you will get to know me Commander. I might grow on you." He said smiling and trying to lighten the mood.

"Well, sir…" she said "anything is possible, in time. See you on Omega." She got up and put her plate in the cleaning chute.

"Yeah Commander, see you in a few." Jacob said giving his full attention back to his breakfast.

* * *

Jacob followed the Commander and Dr. Mordin Solis to the conference room. Once they got into the quarantine area she had gone after the Blue Suns and vorcha with a vengeance, Miranda and he hardly got a shot off for most of the trip. In the end they were able to get to the environmental controls and place the cure in the system after facing a shit load of vorcha, and a krogan or two. At least she needed their help for that last battle, although he had a feeling she just would have methodically shot everyone of the thugs until she could place the cure. She really was something. Her attitude and keeping a cold distance did nothing to lower his opinion of her.

Dr. Solis loved to talk, and he didn't just talk, he evaluated everything he was thinking out loud keeping a running train of thought. Jacob thought that Shepard would interrupt Dr. Solis' verbal tirades but she just gave him polite attention until he got to where he was going. Jacob thought it entertained her, although she still hadn't cracked a smile, she did seem to relax a bit around the doctor.

"I will need a place to do my work" Dr. Solis said.

"We have a state of the art laboratory for you doctor, if you will follow me." He headed towards the door and the Commander stopped him for a moment.

"Mr. Taylor?"

"Yes, Commander" he turned to look at her.

"We will go after Archangel first thing in the morning. Good job today." Shepard said.

"Yes Commander, and thank you." She inclined her head to him. "Come right this way, doctor." Jacob led the doctor from the room.

* * *

Shepard was already eating dinner when Dr. Chakwas and Joker entered the mess, they got their food and joined her.

"You started without us?" Dr. Chakwas asked her.

"Yes, I'm sorry, I missed lunch on Omega. Still getting used to eating more, you know, for the barrier thing they added to my body. I used it today, I don't mind it so much as a defense mechanism, but still not feeling the love for something new in my body."

"Yeah, your weight does appear to be going down, might have to come in for a check up soon. Oh, well I guess you're forgiven for starting without us." Dr. Chakwas told her hoping for a smile, she didn't quite get one. "Shepard, are you feeling alright?"

"Doc I feel fi… wait, no I don't feel fine, I feel like a stranger. If they added the barrier, what else have they added. Maybe I do need a check up. I look in the mirror and it doesn't look like me, and it does. I mean I am not ill, I just feel out of sorts." She stopped eating and looked down at her food.

"Okay, first, I am surprised that you would agree to come in for a check up. Second, Shepard, you have been through a big change, its normal to feel out of sorts as you get used to your new surroundings. As for you facial changes, and I assume your missing your scars since you were so proud of them." This brought a small smile to Shepards face that told the doctor she had hit the nail on the head. "if you had been gravely injured you would have had facial reconstruction and that wouldn't have bothered you, would it?"

"No, it wouldn't have. But my whole life wouldn't have changed, either."

"Well it might have Commander." Joker joined the conversation. "I know this is bringing up bad memories but lets just say something had happened to the escape pods and you and I were the only ones that survived the Normandy's destruction, and you were injured on top of that. Your whole life would have changed just like now."

"It's not quite the same thing." Shepard told him. "I am able to mourn Pressly because I know he is dead, I miss him, but he is gone. Wrex, Garrus, Liara, Tali and Kaidan are not dead, they just not here. I saw Tali and she wasn't able to join us, but at least she was glad to see me. What if the others don't feel the same? I mean really, I was dead, that has to be spooky at the very least. And that's without all the implications that maybe I am not who I was. I feel the same and we know my DNA is the same, but I have extra tech inside. I have biotics now, okay they only activated the barrier but still that's a change. Miranda had told me she wanted to put a chip in me so they could control me. She said that they didn't do it, but what if she lied? The things that we have seen Cerberus do, they were horrible. I wouldn't put anything past them. What if I am me, but not me?"

"Hey Commander, you were scary to begin with, spooky just makes it more exciting." Joker told her. "No seriously, you are you Shepard, I mean we know you and so far you are acting the same way you always have, well without some of the more relaxed moments, but we are on a Cerberus ship so that makes sense. You wouldn't fell as relaxed with this crew as you were with us."

Shepard did give him a small smile, it didn't quite reach more than the corners of her mouth. "Yeah it's hard to relax in a snake pit. Well I guess scary spooky is the look I am going for." And she seemed to relax more with a pleased look on her face. "Yes, I think I can do that very well."

"Look Shepard, why don't you just take it one day at a time." Dr. Chakwas said. "When you see each one of the old crew, that's the time to worry about how they are going to react, okay?"

"I don't know Doc, that seems awfully reasonable to me, I have not been very good at reasonable lately."

Dr. Chakwas smiled at her "Shepard, I think you doing fine and you just need some time to process what has happened."

"How much time am I going to need?"

"Well, I think you are going to need, all the time that you need, but that's just a rough estimate." Dr. Chakwas advised her.

"That's Very funny Doc, so you don't know?" Shepard asked.

"Everyone is different, and your situation unique. So, no, I don't know."

"Okay, but I might be a wreck in a few weeks."

"Yeah, somehow Commander, I doubt it." Joker said. "Hey what do you think of our new scientist?"

"Well, he certainly can talk out his thought processes. I find listening quite interesting and he can be funny as well, although I don't think he is trying to be. I really think he is an extremly smart individual." Shepard said.

"You think he is going to be able to help counteract the swarms?" Joker asked.

"I think if anyone can, it would be him." Shepard told him.

"Well then it's a good thing that we have him." Joker said.

"Yes Joker, I think that it is." Shepard agreed.

* * *

Jacob had walked into the mess and Shepard was sitting with Joker and the doctor again. She was animated and didn't seem cold at all. As he got his food he thought well she had given him a 'good job'. Maybe it just took her a bit of time to warm up to someone. Joker and the doctor also seemed like nice people. Maybe he could approach Joker sometime and maybe get to know him. That way he could learn more about Shepard. Because Shepard, she made him curious, very curious.

After dinner Shepard returned to her Cabin. How long had she been awake now, a week, a little longer? At least they were going to get the first person who might be able to help her go after the Collectors. If this scientist could counteract the swarms, there is a good chance they wouldn't lose anymore colonies to the Collectors.

She changed into her shorts and tank top and used the teeth cleaner on her teeth. She went over to the desk to check for any messages, but she knew there were none as she had checked before dinner. It was just an excuse to look at Kaidan's holo. It wasn't like anyone would know she was looking at it, she was alone here. But maybe they were watching her. _So, who cares_, she thought. She looked at the holo and ran her fingers along the side of the frame. She sat there a long while just looking at his eyes and trying not to bring up any memories that might hurt. _This is getting me nowhere_ she thought looked away from the picture, not before touching her finger to the face, got up and went to bed.


	31. Chapter 31

Bioware owns all!

* * *

**Memories**

~ Seven weeks after the crash of the Normandy~

This was just not working. Garrus was really frustrated. He had just secured a shipment of tainted element zero or eezo and had gone in to see the Executor who told him he should just submit the report. Tainted eezo and all he wants is a report. Well he would just write the damn report and then continue the investigation to see if he could find out who was pushing the eezo.

Leaving the office he walked through the wards looking for something to eat. He was walking along and he saw a male in an Alliance uniform turn quickly and head away, probably wouldn't have noticed if he hadn't made that quick movement so Garrus followed him. He realized it was Kaidan and was trying to decide weather he should keep following or just forget it when he saw the soldier come to a halt. He stood there for a moment and then slowly turned and looked at Garrus.

Approaching him Garrus said "hey Kaidan, how have you been, it's been a while."

"I'm fine." he said rigidly.

"Well what have you been doing?'

"Classified." He said as if that one word explained everything.

"I meant with yourself Kaidan, I meant what have you been doing with yourself."

"I have been working."

Garrus looked at the soldier; his manner was frigid, his mode of speech cold. _This is not the man I walked through hell with and survived. _

"Me too, I am back with C-Sec trying to right the wrongs and fight the good fight, you know like we always did." He said trying to make some kind of connection with his friend.

Kiadan closed his eyes and a look of pain appeared on his face just briefly, if Garrus hadn't been looking for it he would have missed it. He opened his eyes again and took a deep breath letting it out slowly before taking another breath to speak. "I have been busy working on classified assignments, it was nice seeing you Garrus, bye." He turned to leave.

"Kaidan, maybe we can go for a drink or something, you know, keep in touch." Garrus said to his back. He watched as the shoulders tightened.

Kaidan didn't turn around and Garrus heard the hoarseness of his voice as he said "I don't think that would be a good idea right now Garrus" but he didn't leave yet.

Garrus didn't force the issue, "well if you ever want to get together, you just get in touch with me, okay?"

"Okay Garrus, goodbye" he walked away stiff backed.

_What a shame, I really miss the talks we had. I guess he is still missing Shepard. Well who isn't? Now there was a woman that could get things done, and with heart too. And they way she handled that sniper rifle, wow. If she were a turian I would have married her._ Garrus lost sight of Kaidan and realized he had been starring at the young man's retreating back. He shook his head and turned to pick up dinner, he would eat at his apartment tonight.

* * *

Garrus entered his apartment and turned on the lights. It was a small plain apartment, table, chairs. a couch and some shelves on the wall. The other room contained a table, bed and a bathroom. He grabbed a utensil out of the drawer and opened the food container he had purchased and started to eat while walking over to one of the shelves he had. On one of the shelves was a lone holo frame and as he approached, it activated. It was a picture from a news article that he had downloaded. It was a picture of Shepard, Kaidan and him walking out of the heavily damaged Citadel door. Well Kaidan and he were actual limping out the door, but she was between them urging them on. She is actually smiling in the picture and that was why Garrus had kept it. Shepard had smiled so little at first. Little smirks or grins but no real smile. Then she and Ashley had become friends, and then Kaidan joined the mix. Or maybe it was the other way around, but it didn't matter, it was a good thing for the team and she smiled much more after that. Once she opened her heart to Kaidan, she opened it to the rest of them too. He really missed the dinners they would have with the interesting conversations, and the teasing. He never had that kind of fun with his real family, and they were like a family to him. He remembered the stupid jokes that Joker would tell and no one would get. Or the way that Ashley would argue with him about upgrades. He remembered Shepard and Kaidan holding hands under the table and thinking that no one noticed, but he had.

Shepard, now she was something. She set him on the right track. She showed him what a person could do without cutting corners. Yes that had always been his problem; he wanted the short fast way to an outcome. She once told him that the right outcome was worth the wait. Well she did have a point, but he didn't have the patients. Now where was he going to find some?

* * *

Garrus set up a meeting with an informant hoping to get a lead on the tainted eezo shipment. He walked through the dark Zakara Ward to the rendezvous location. He changed direction several times and also took an elevator ride as well as a transport to make sure he wasn't followed. He needn't have bothered, the informant was dead. One shot and half his head blown away. No one had followed Garrus, but the informant wasn't as lucky. He cursed his luck, this set him back. Not to mention the paperwork it created.

His thoughts turned to Shepard again. She never complained about the paperwork. No matter how hard the battle her paperwork was always finished before the debriefing. Well except for Vimire, she finished that one right after the debriefing. He remembered how they had searched the whole ship for her and couldn't find her. Kaidan was beside himself. _Hiding in the mako _he chuckled to himself _she was always a smart one. Even I didn't figure that one out, Kaidan did finally, but it had taken him hours._ Yeah, he really missed the Normandy and her crew, but especially Shepard.

He called in to headquarters and advised them of the murder. It didn't matter, they were never going to find the killer or killers. Garrus could feel is ire rising. This was just wrong, he should be able to list this as an execution and list the killers as one of the big gangs. He should be allowed to investigate this to its ultimate conclusion. But he doubted it would get that far.

Oh yes, he would write his report, and they would look into the death even, but that is as far as it would go. They would chalk it up to a bad red dust deal, even though he was going to meet with this salarian for information. It was things like this that made Garrus' blood boil. He wanted to make a difference, but he was making no headway.

Garrus walked through the wards with the purpose of finding something to eat for dinner. He heard his name called and turned around. Dr. Chloe Michel was waking towards him from the clinic area.

"Garrus how are you, I haven't seen you since just after the Citadel attack." She said.

"Dr. Michel, I am fine, thank you, and yourself?"

"Oh I have been busy, there are some patients that are suffering from long term effects of the attack so I have a lot of therapy sessions and things like that to get people well. Were you heading anywhere special?"

"No I was just going to get something to eat and call it a day. Have you had dinner yet, it would be nice to have some company for a change." Garrus told her.

"Oh no, as a matter of fact I have not eaten yet and I would love to join you for dinner. There is a new restaurant a little ways from here that serves both human and turian specialties, we should try it out."

"Well, you lead the way."

It was a nice little restaurant, not too bright, not to shabby. They entered and were shown to a table and drink orders taken.

"I was sorry to hear about Commander Shepard, Garras. She was an amazing woman. Did she tell you that she was able to save me from a blackmailer."

"Thank you, no she never told me that, though to be honest, she wasn't the type to brag. Come to think of it she would talk about the mechanics of missions and assignments, but only give the details necessary to convey the story, never the blow up on how she had saved someone or changed their life. That's what I remember her for, changing lives and mostly for the better. She gave people hope. It's awful what they are doing to her. The Reapers are a real threat, she believed it and I believe her. Hell I was there with her when she took down Sovereign." Garrus realized he had a little rant going, he reeled himself in. "I am sorry Dr. Michel, I got a little carried away."

"It's Chloe, and really I enjoy the intensity that you speak about your experiences. Can you tell me about some of the things that you accomplished with her?"

"There are so many stories, let me see... There was this small colony that some privateers attacked, we were in the area an intercepted the call for help. She took me and Lieutenant Alenko, you remember him, the dark haired human she had with her when we met her? Anyway the privateers had taken the colonies children and locked them in a warehouse to force the adults into loading up their ship. Shepard had us take out the three privateers that were guarding the warehouse and was able to trick the two inside the place into coming out, thereby saving the children. After we got the them safely aboard the Normandy we went after the rest of the gang. She surgically removed all the key players and was able to get the rest to surrender. That was one of her specialties, though she had many, getting people to surrender.

The best part was after though. The Alliance sent a ship to pick up the criminals, and the colonists were reunited with the children. We had a little celebration with them. It was not something she would usually do, but the children were so happy. They wanted to see her shoot her guns, they were jumping all over Wrex. You remember Wrex, right, the krogan? Anyway, she really seemed to enjoy the enthusiasm of the children and when they asked her to stay for the party, she couldn't refuse. It was one of the happiest times we had." Garrus took a large gulp of his drink.

"You really miss her don't you."

"Actually, I miss them all. Funny in the time line of my life, my time on the Normandy was very short. But in the painting that is my life, it is the center piece, and not just because we defeated Saren either. Those people on that ship, they are my friends, my family. I would walk through fire for any one of them. It's funny how we drifted apart after her death. Yeah we were grieving, maybe some of us more than others, but it's more than that. It's like she was the glue that held us together, and her death was the solvent that destroyed our bond."

"Grief can be a solvent in itself. People don't want to be around the things that make them think about what they lost." Chloe told him.

"Yes, I think that is what happen to the Lieutenant. We were really good friends, and now I can hardly get him to talk to me. I think it's what you're saying, seeing me brings back thoughts of her, and he wants to get past it. Now it makes sense that he is avoiding me. Well that makes me feel a bit better, I thought he blamed me in some way."

"More likely he is blaming himself."

"There was nothing he could have done to stop it. The attack was quick, and without warning. He had to get the crew to safety. There was nothing else that could have been done. She would have gone to check on the pilot anyway just to make sure he got out safe. Its just that this time, the odds were against her."

* * *

He got back to his apartment after the really pleasant dinner. It was a good ending to a long day that had little or nothing to show for it. He was really tired, or to be more accurate, worn out. He sat down on the couch and pulled up his omni tool remembering for once to check his mail. Two items on the list caught his attention, one from Tali and one from Liara.

Tali was just checking it to see how he was doing. She told him that her Pilgrimage gift was a great success and her dad was proud of her. She said it felt good to be home, but she missed the Normandy, it's engines and the crew. She told him to write soon.

Liara's letter was much shorter, just one line. _If you are looking for the source of the tainted eezo you might try Omega._

_Omega, that garbage dump! Home of criminals, terrorists and other malcontents, a really good place to start._ Garrus thought. _But how did she know?_ He looked through the lists of flights leaving tomorrow for the Termius Systems. He found a merchant ship that listed its destination as Omega and showed it would take on private passengers. He made a reservation. He would talk to the Executor in the morning, if he wouldn't let Garrus go, well then he would just have to quit. One way or another, he was going to 'fight the good fight' as Shepard would say.


	32. Chapter 32

Bioware owns all!

* * *

**A Good Friend**

~Present Day~

Shepard was shooting Geth. They were coming at her from all sides. She was rolling, shooting and taking cover. She was having a ball, and they kept coming. Running at them, she took out three more. There – off to the right four more to take down, roll, shoot, stand up, run, aim and shoot. Exhilarated she kept running taking down more and more until she ran right in to Kaidan, his face an angry mask. "What are you doing?" He yelled, and she woke up.

Rubbing her eyes it took her a minute to realize where she was. Then she saw the blue reflection from the fish tank. She should be used to the ship by now, she had never had problems before getting used to a new post. But then, it was all Alliance on her other postings and the ships all had the same gray color and they looked like home. This place looked like a hotel.

Well it wasn't really a bad dream, she was enjoying herself, well until he stopped her. Twinglyn Cabin, oh wouldn't it be great to go there after all this is over. Wait, it wasn't hers anymore, she left it to Kaidan. How did that work she wondered. Technically she had died, so she is sure he owns it now, but now that she's back, did that nullify the will? Not that she wanted to take back what was given freely, but she did love that cabin. Of course it was a more wonderful place when he was there. She shook her head, another thing she could worry about after the collectors were stopped.

Well she should go back to sleep, she slept so little lately. There was always the chance she would have a bad dream, they came so often. Really even the dream she had, although not a bad one had an angry Kaidan in it. She closed her eyes and pictured sitting in his arms, on the swinging chair down by the lake,slowly swinging back and forth watching the birds floating by. Leaning into his chest and hearing his heartbeat. Feeling his strong muscled arms around her and hearing his soft chuckle as a bird ducked under the water, with that she fell back to sleep.

* * *

Shepard strode into the conference room, Miranda and Jacob already inside.

"So we are going to go in with the freelancers. We are heading into Archangel's own territory so I am thinking that he has figured out a way to funnel the mercs to a location where they can't come at him all at once. Possibly a bridge or a tunnel. When we get into the funnel neck we start taking out mercs and the freelancers. Once Archangel sees we're on his side he will leave us alone and take out the others thereby combining forces.

"That's going to get all them shooting at us." Miranda said.

"Yes well somehow I think we are better armored then they are, and it should take them a minute to realize it is us. Plus he has been able to hold his own for a while now so I think we will be able to get through with his help pretty quickly."

"How are we going to get him out?" Jacob asked.

"Well I guess we will have to figure that out once we get there. Lets just worry about keeping him alive."

"Okay, Commander." Miranda said.

"Yes Ma'am." Jacob acknowledged.

* * *

Shepard walked into med bay following Dr. Chakwas and Garrus on the stretcher.

"Is he going to be okay Doc?"

"Shepard you need to let me do my job, I will let you know as soon as I do. He was hit with a missile, at the very least he needs surgery. Now go away."

"Alright Doc, Do your best okay."

"I always do." Dr. Chakwas said.

Shepard walked out of the med bay just as Mordin was walking in to assist the doctor.

* * *

Finally find a team member that she can actually trust, and he gets shot. Yeah this keeps getting better and better. She went over to Rupert to get a container of hot water; he insisted she take a sandwich with her too, because he knew she hadn't eaten for a while. She wasn't hungry. She went up to her room and made some tea then started working on her report.

"Garrus, watch out!" Shepard yelled.

Garrus drops and rolls to get out of the way of the merc that is firing at him. Kaidan executes a pull move on him and Shepard shots him down.

"That was too fucking close, keep you eyes open next time!" she yelled at him.

"But Shepard, his eyes are so small." Kaidan tells her.

"Better then those big brown things of yours, how do you see anything they're so damn big. And besided Shepard, you have my back." Garrus laughed at her.

"Yeah, but it's your front she's worried about" Kaidan laughed with him.

She said. "You're really lucky I did have your back this time, next time you might not be so lucky."

"Shepard as long as you are around, we know we'll be okay." Garrus told her.

"Yeah, who would want to face an angry Shepard by hurting us?" Kaidan said.

"Yes, they would especially be in trouble if they took out her favorite team." Garrus said.

"That's it!" she yelled at them. "Next time I am taking Liara and Tali!" as she climbed up on the mako.

"Now where's the fun in that, you wouldn't know what to do without us." Kaidan said.

"Yeah, you know, maybe it's about time I find out." She said as her head disappeared into the mako.

She hears Garrus tell Kaidan "You better change her mind before she goes out next, or she will leave our asses on the ship on purpose."

"Hey why is it my responsibility?" Kaidan asked.

"You know damn well why its your responsibility, Kaidan." She hears them climbing onto the mako

Kaidan chuckling, "yeah I do." And she hears the two of them laughing.

"Commander?" Shepard is jarred awake. She picks up her head from the desk.

She clears her throat " yes?"

"Can you meet me in the Conference room?" Jacob's voice.

"I'll be right there."

* * *

Garrus wakes up and his face feels funny. There is pain, but it feels muted. He lifts he head and sees a familiar face. "Doc?"

"Well Garrus its good to see you back with us. I was a bit worried at first, but I think we have it under control now."

"What's going on here?'

"You were shot, by a missile Garrus, I had to do some reconstruction and some implants. It will take a while to heal, but I think you will be fine."

"Where are we?"

"Well, this is the new Normandy, built by Cerberus for Shepard to save the Galaxy again." She told him.

"Cerberus, they are bad news, she can't be working for them."

"She is working with them, not for them. They are the only ones that are looking into the human colonies going missing. She tried to get the Council to help and the Alliance. The Council made her a Spectre again, but pretty much told her she was on her own. The Alliance is spread too thin and say they can't help. She is taking on a dangerous adversary and she doesn't trust the people she is with. For that she is willing to work with Cerberus, but the minute she is finished, she is gone. Joker and I will probably go with her, where ever she ends up."

"What happen to her, I notice some scars on her face, and it looks like she had some major reconstruction done, though it's fading."

"She was dead Garrus, you need major reconstruction after that." Dr. Chakwas told him.

"If she was dead, what is she doing here, now, alive?" Garus asked her.

"Cerberus, they brought her back."

"That's impossible!"

"I would have said the same thing, but I am a doctor, and I have seen the files, it's her."

"Well, how is she taking it?"

"She is missing the old crew. She is Frustrated that the Alliance won't back her up. Frustrated that the Council doesn't believe her about the Reapers. She is doing what she always does, she is Shepard."

"Has she been able to contact him?"

"No."

"How is she taking that?"

"Well, Garrus, for us it has been two years since she died, for her it was over night. A few weeks ago, from her perspective, she was with us and all was fine with the world, she woke up and all she knew was gone. I think I would have gone crazy. She is doing fine, not smiling as much as she should, but that is to be expected. As for him, well I think she is a bit confused that neither Joker nor I could tell her much about what he has been doing for the two years."

"Yes well I can't make her happy in that respect either. I haven't seen him for almost two years. I did try to stay in contact, but he never answered any of my mail."

"Same here, I guess he didn't want any of the old memories dragging him down. I told her he has probably moved on. She understands, but she isn't ready to move on yet."

"Under the circumstances I can't say I blame her."

"So are you going to stay? She needs you, you know."

"By her side again, Doc, I can't think of any place I would rather be."

* * *

"You do realize this plan has me walking into hell too? Heh, just like old times huh?" Garras tells Shepard.

"Well not exactly like old times, but It will be good to have you here."

"What about the team, do you trust them?"

"No, no I don't really. Miranda less then Jacob. I think Jacob will do his job, he has a sense of morality that is decent. Miranda on the other hand is all Cerberus. I don't trust her at all. She wanted to put a chip in my brain to control me. And she told me about it. What does that say to you about her. Mordin is interesting and a real card if you listen to him, but he doesn't even realize it. Oh and there is surveillance all over the place, so anything we do is overheard. So if you don't want them to know, don't say anything." Shepard told him.

"Well I can do something about that at least."

"You'll probably have to do sweeps regularly. Could you come up to my cabin and clear it too?"

"Yes I could do that." Garrus said.

"When?"

"When do you want it done?"

"As soon as possible" Shepard told him.

"Let me get my things, and I will be right there. Where is it, in the same place?"

"No, top floor in the elevator. EDI?" EDI's light blue avatar appeared."

"Yes Shepard."

"From now on I want a lock down on my cabin, only Joker, Dr. Chakwas and Garrus Vakarian are allowed up there, and this can only be overridden by them or me."

"Understood Shepard."

"EDI, will this order be obeyed?"

"Yes Shepard."

"That will be all."

"Logging you out, Shepard."

"Is that an AI?" Garrus asked.

"Yes, and no I don't trust it completely I just think it doesn't lie."

"So you just made it harder for someone to get up there."

"Harder, yes, but not impossible."

* * *

Shepard was standing in the by her desk when he entered the cabin. He stopped and looked around, it was bigger then he thought it would be.

"A fish tank?" Garrus asked.

"Yeah, I guess they think I need a pet. Not really into fish though, they die really easily. I like the water and the plants though. Its kind of tranquil."

"Okay I am going to scan the room starting from here and then I will end here, this way we know we covered the whole room."

Two hours and twenty-three bugs later the room was clean and the bugs destroyed.

"Now I need you to scan me." Shepard told him.

"What?"

"Doc assures me there is nothing medical added except the stupid eezo node and my amp for the new barrier, that Cerberus decided I needed. But I want to know if there is anything like a tracking device or something like a transistor. Something that wouldn't show up on a med scan."

"Alright." Garrus tells her, running the scanning program over her body slowly he finds no abnormal readings. He moves over her head to her toes, nothing strange there. He runs the scan down each arm, first the right, then the left and as he gets to her lower forearm the scanner goes off. "Well there is definitely a chip in looks like it is a homing devise of some sort, very powerful and very small."

"Can you remove it."

"I am sure that the doctor could, it looks like its just under the skin."

She puts her hand to her ear, to active her comm that she had turned off. "Dr. Chakwas, can you come up to my cabin, and bring your kit."

"Be right there."

"Joker?"

"Yes, Commander."

"I need you to come up to my cabin ASAP."

"I'll be there as soon as I can get Hanley to the bridge."

Shepard looked at Garrus "If they put one in me they are most likely to put one in both of them, since I would take them with me."

Garrus nodded his head. "That makes sense." He looked over her shoulder and sees the picture of Kaidan on the desk. She was standing close enough to activate it. " You haven't asked me about him."

"Dr. Chakwas says I have to move on. I am trying. It seems he cut everyone I knew with the exception of Anderson out of his life. That would include you. I assume that means he cut me out of his life. I'm not happy about it, but I will cope."

"Shepard if anyone knew how you and he felt about each other, I did. I'm sorry I can't tell you more."

"It's alright Garrus. People move on." He noticed the hurt in her eyes for a moment before she shut it down. This was the Shepard he knew before Ashley and Kaidan. It wasn't the best he could hope for, but at least it was Shepard.

The doctor came up and was able to take out the homing device in her arm. They also found one in Joker and in Dr. Chakwas arm. With Shepards help Dr. Chakwas was able to remove the one in her arm as well as the one in Joker's arm. Shepard gave all three to Garrus.

"Destroy them." she said.

"Wait Shepard, I think we can use this to our advantage."

"How?"

"Well if you destroy them Cerberus and the head boss..."

"He's called The Illusive Man, we call him Tim." Shepard advised Garrus.

"Alright Tim, will know that you found it and may think of another way to track you. If you all carry it in your omni tools it will look like they are still working. You can leave it somewhere when you don't want to be tracked and pick it up when you're ready to return. Just don't make the leaving it too obvious, like around Jacob or Miranda who will note your location. I wouldn't be surprised in Miranda could actually access the tracer program for the devices."

"That's a great idea Garrus, can you tell which is whose?"

"Yes they have different coding." He handed each on their chips back and they placed it in their respective omni tools.

"There that should take care of that." Shepard said. "You will be joining us for dinner from now on won't you Garrus, our cook Rupert is really good and he was able to secure food for you from Omega."

"Shepard, I wouldn't miss it for the world."


	33. Chapter 33

Bioware owns all!

* * *

**Fighting Geth**

~Two Months after the attack on the Normandy~

Just a little geth pocket, that's what Hackett had said. Go in there and take them out. Simple right. Now he knew why Shepard would get so frustrated with the brass. This was no little pocket. This was seven full squads and several small armed fortifications. They had to retreat, there was no other choice. Kaidan shook his head. He was all for fighting the good fight, and maybe Shepard, Garrus and he could have handled the squads, hell he knew they could. But he wasn't her. He didn't have Garrus either. He leaned back on the rock he was hiding behind, looked at his Lieutenant, Huxley a good guy, level headed, and liked to flirt with the ladies. Huxley was wide eyed watching the geth placements to make sure they weren't coming their way. He turned to the other side to look at the corporal that he selected, Jodus was high on tech, but low on experience. Still she seemed calmer the Huxley did, as she watched the geth from her side.

He heard Shepards voice in his head. "_Why are you just sitting here, you know what to do Kaidan, do it_!" He closed his eyes and looked at her.

"_There are too many geth, I will get them killed_." he said to her in his head.

"_There aren't more than we faced during the incursion and they had armatures. These are just geth. Pick a good vantage point, one where they have to funnel into and just take them out. You saw the best place. I have seen it in you head. Your better at this, what is going on_."

"_My girlfriend died and I can't think straight_." he told imaginary Shepard.

"_I am right here and I need you to keep it together soldier, now you go take care of this situation like I know you can. Don't let me down Kaidan!_"

He opened his eyes and scanned the battlefield, looking for the funnel point he had obviously seen but needed the Shepard daydream to coalesce. Now he saw it to the west of them. If they went south they would be out of sight from the geth and they would be able to get there easily. He had Jodus and Huxley follow his lead, making sure they covered their flanks so no geth could sneak up on them. It took time weaving around rocks and brush. They were able to get over to the ridge that created the perfect place to funnel the geth towards them. If he timed it right it would be a long battle but they would be able to come out on top. He checked out the field and set up Jodus to the north of his location and Huxley to the south. He took up a point due west but slightly above so he had the perfect vantage point. He took out his assault rifle, thankful again that she had made him become an expert with it. He put one of the geth in the site, then lifted his head and targeted a second one for the biotic pull he was readying. He Signaled Jodus and Huxley then pulled and shot the target, and the fight was on.

The geth came after them through the bottleneck but never more than four at a time. Some tried to skirt around, but from this vantage point they were picked off quickly. The team would take one group out and another would replace it. In his head Kaidan could hear Shepard encouraging and scolding as he kept up the fight. "_Watch you flank" _she would say _"don't get complacent. Keep an eye on your corporal that one was close. Hey get that Lieutenant back under cover._" He knew she wasn't really there. He knew that it was his voice really, but he needed to hear her voice so his mind accommodated him. They were at if for hours. He was getting tired and his biotics were getting weaker, but he kept going. Her voice had faded out sometime after the first few hours. Probably because he was getting tired by then. The geth kept coming even though those that had been in front of them failed. They finally were able to take the last geth at the bottom of the fourth hour and they could take a break and eat something.

He had Jodus and Huxley pull back and advised them to get a bite to eat before they hit the final two fortifications. He had expected a geth drop ship to come, but it never did, which was surprising. It must be a result of the Citadel forces thinning out the geth.

As soon as he swallowed the first bite of his field ration, he felt better. He hoped the food would sustain him for the last two strongholds.

He lost Huxley while clearing out the second fortification. The geth looked like a Destroyer, but it had stealth capabilities and he didn't see it until it was too late. He kept a lookout for more them after that. Jodus and he were able to clear out the rest of the stronghold, but she got shot in her shoulder. He was working on her shoulder when Captain Foster called to tell him that reinforcements had arrived. His head had started to throb from the overuse of his biotics. He knew that this migraine was going to be a really bad one. As for the reinforcements, well, too little, too late.

* * *

When he cleared decontamination the Captain was waiting. "Commander, what happened down there."

"We were out gunned and out numbered, sir. We did our best and we got them all, but the geth got Huxley. It will all be in my report. I need to get Jodus to med bay." Kaidan said, hoping he could hold off the migraine for just a few minutes more, the pain was building.

"Carry on" the Captain said.

Walking into med bay Dr. Ferris came and took Jodus off his hands. Struggling out of his armor, Kaidan stumbled over to the cabinet where the doctor kept his migraine medicine. He struggled, trying to get the medication into his arm as the pain hit full force and he nearly clasped. Dr. Ferris, realizing what was happening, grabbed the medication from his hand and administered it, then helped him over to a bed in the rear of the med bay where the lights were lowest. Kaidan lay there in agony waiting for the medication to finally take him into oblivion.

* * *

A few weeks later Kaidan left the memorial service for Lieutenant Huxley and headed for his apartment. He was now assigned to the Citadel as a liaison for Councilor Anderson the newly appointed Human Councilor. He suspected the Council had wanted to keep him close because they had started to circulate rumors that Shepard was unstable. He couldn't prove the rumors came from the Council, but he knew. It was ridiculous what they were doing to her.

He had dreams, every night, some of them were bad, some of them were good. All of them were about Shepard. She was in his waking and sleeping mind. Even now after the service he found himself thinking _now I know how you felt Shepard, when Jenkins died. You felt like you failed him, even when you couldn't have done anything. _He was concentrating so hard on his thoughts that he almost ran down an asari woman. "Um, sorry." He said as he navigated by her.

He entered the apartment and closed the door behind him, then he leaned up against it and closed his eyes. _You should be here, not me. The universe needs you. I need you. I am so sorry I left you. The one order I never should have obeyed. _He banged both fists on the door behind him. He stood up and walked into the kitchen area. He was entitled to a private room due to his new position as Liaison, but he got the apartment with some of the money she had left him, he wasn't leaving it.

He opened the cabinet to get coffee, as he reached to grab it he noticed the dehydrated milk sitting next to it. He had grabbed it one day when he was shopping, thinking she would like to have milk in the apartment. When the items were rung up he realized what he had done, that she was never going to be in his apartment except in spirit. He didn't put it back, now every time he opened the cabinet the milk was there reminding him of her. Not that he needed any more reminders, they were everywhere.

While the coffee was brewing he went into the bedroom to change. He went to the dresser and pulled out his standard sweatpants and tee. He put away his dress uniform neatly and put on the tee. He sat on the bed to pull on his sweatpants and looked straight into her eyes. The picture that her mother had given him sat there on the bedside table. Several times a week it would hit him on the head, waking him. He had this recurring dream where he would be trying to pull her back to him, and he would unconsciously activate his biotics. He had cleared the room of anything else that could hit him but he couldn't put the picture away.

He read somewhere that it takes two years to grieve. If the two years were up, would he be able to think of her without his heart breaking? Would he ever not feel guilty? Would he ever be able to forgive himself? He put his hand on the picture, his finger following the curve of her face. _I really miss you!_

He got up to get a cup of coffee. Pulled out a data pad and pulled up the daily logs. Skimming over them he didn't see anything that needed his attention. He looked through his mail. There was one mail from each of the team members. Wrex's reference line said 'Back home'. Garrus' said 'Talk to me'. Tali's said 'want to hear from you'. Joker's said 'You've got to forgive me, buddy' trust Joker to get the letter in the reference. Dr, Chakwas' said 'I need to hear from you'. Liara's said 'this is really important'.

What could he say to them? Every time he talked to one of them it brought the guilt to the surface. They looked at him and they knew he should have stayed with her. He should have gone for Joker. He should be the one who was dead, not her. He tagged all the messages for deletion and hit execute. He just couldn't bring himself to talk to any of them.

He threw the data pad on the table and leaned back on the couch and put his arm over his eyes. He willed a memory to come to him, something good, something happy, something with Shepard.

_He woke up and she was gone from the bed, not unusual, but it was still dark out. He went down stairs and found her on the oversized couch reading a data pad. _

"_Shepard what are you doing?"_

_She looks at him and smiles "I'm reading."_

_He walks around the couch and slides in behind her. He pulls her on top of him so she is leaning against him in his arms he kisses the top of her head "What are you reading?"_

"_A book silly" she put her arms on his leaning the data pad on his hands._

"_What book?" If she was in a playful mood he is more then willing to accommodate her. He felt her stroking the back of his hand sending chills up his arm._

"_The Count of Monte Cristo."_

"_I don't think I know that one." He told her pulling her tighter, taking a deep breath to inhale the sweet scent of her. _

"_Oh it's a wonderful story of love, betrayal and revenge." He could feel her excitement as she vibrated against him in her enthusiasm for the subject. _

"_Well, read it to me." _

"_Okay." she reaches for the settings of the book to put it back to the beginning._

"_Wait how far did you get in the book?" _

"_Not far, maybe a chapter or so."_

"_Read from there, I will catch up."_

"_Okay" she started to read:_

"_The young sailor jumped into the skiff, and sat down in the stern sheets, with the order that he be put ashore at La Canebiere. The two oarsmen bent to their work, and the little boat glided away as rapidly as possible in the midst of the thousand vessels which choke up the narrow way which leads between the two rows of ships form the mouth of the harbor to the Quai d'Orleans."_

"_The ship owner, smiling followed him with his eyes until he saw him spring out on the quay and disappear in the midst of the throng, which from five o'clock in the morning until nine o'clock at night, the swarms in the famous street..."_

Kaidan fell asleep listening to Shepard read to him from the past.

* * *

AN: The quote is from the Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas


	34. Chapter 34

Bioware owns all. Hope your all keeping up with the back and forth. Nobody out there getting seasick or anything right? We still have a long trip ahead. Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead! (Okay, that might have been a bit much).

* * *

**A Visit To A Lost Friend**

~Present Day~

Garrus looks up to see Shepard enter the Mess with a data pad in her hand. She sees him and walks towards him.

"I've been looking for you. You feel up to a mission?" She asks.

"Yes Shepard I feel fine. What's up."

"Well I received a request from Cerberus Command. They want us to go to the Planet Lorek in the Fathar system. It isn't really that far from here. There is supposedly an Eclipse merc base there and they are holding a Cerberus operative. They say I can scan the planet and find the operative by locating their transmitter."

"So this is a rescue mission?" Garrus asks.

"Or recovery." She reads from the data pad. "This is a quote 'Extract the operative; if the operative is beyond rescue, recover any relevant intel Eclipse may have collected.' They go on to say it's a delicate matter and they trust my discretion."

"How do you want to handle this?"

"You and me and Taylor go in. If we can rescue, we do. If it's a recovery, I want you to keep Taylor busy so I can divert the information to the Alliance."

"Risky business."

"Maybe, but I want the Alliance to know that even though I am on a Cerberus ship, I know where my loyalties lay. We should be there in a few hours."

"And what about Cerberus?"

She gets up to leave "Fuck Cerberus."

* * *

Joining the other for dinner Shepard sits down. She notices Taylor at the other end of the table. He has been there the last three nights when they eat dinner. He is always watching them, and her. She doesn't get a feeling that he is a threat, but he does watch. She doesn't let him know she has seen him.

Shepard says in a low tone to draw Joker, Garras and Dr. Chakwas closer to her "I uploaded the data we recovered to the Alliance. This Cerberus agent, Tyrone Rawlings, he had encrypted data that supposedly connected Cerberus to the rachni experiments that we were able to destroy in the Styx Theta cluster. Rawlings supposedly had the cipher to unlock the information too, but he died without giving it up. Eclipse thought this was a powerful tool to use against Cerberus."

"Since we already destroyed the rachni threat we have proof that the threat was credable at least. If Cerberus could be linked to that, there is no telling what that information is worth." Joker said.

"Yeah, well it will probably take them years to decipher the data." Garrus said.

"There's no rush, Cerberus isn't going anywhere." Dr. Chakwas tells him.

"Yes, that's true." Shepard says returning to her normal tone of voice signaling that the private discussion is over. "There is something else that concerns us all." She takes a deep breath. "The Normandy's final resting place has been located."

"What, where is she?" Joker wants to know.

"Well Hackett says she is in the Omega Nebula in the Amada system. They want me to go to the site and survey it. They also want me to place a monument on the site. We have to pick it up on Omega in the morning."

"Well I for one want to come with you Shepard." Garrus said.

"Hey I want to come too." Joker told her.

"You'll have to wear a space suit Joker, it's been a long time since you had training, you think you can handle it." Shepard said.

"I can do it, I need to see her!" Joker explained.

"I can fit you and make sure that you have a refresher, we can do it right after dinner. You can practice walking around in it." Garrus told Joker.

"Doc what do you think, you think it's okay for him to come?" Shepard asked her.

"Oh yes, I think we all need to go. I think we need closure. Garrus can I join you in that refresher course?" The doctor requested.

"Sure, I don't see that as a problem." Garrus said.

"Hey, I might as well come to help too, I know a thing or two about wearing enviro suits." Shepard smiled at them.

"Well I certainly hope so Shepard." Garrus laughs at her.

"There is something else"Shepard says seriously.

"Yeah, what else." Joker asks.

"They still have twenty of our crew members unaccounted for. We need to find signs of them, I am thinking dog tags would be our best bet. Does anyone have a problem with this?"

"No Shepard." Garrus said.

"I don't" Dr Chakwas told her.

"Not me." Said Joker."

"Good, they were our shipmates and our friends, let's bring them home." Shepard said.

* * *

Jacob sat at his end of the table watching Shepard and company eat their meal. He had made a habit of being in the mess when they ate so he could watch them. When she brought Garrus on board Jacob thought she might ask him to join them, but she hadn't. So he made sure that he was here every night, to see if he could understand what she found in them that he was lacking. They were a bit secretive tonight for a little while, but then they started to talk about the Normandy. It didn't seem to strange the secretiveness in that context because obviously that is how she died. They probably didn't want anyone in the crew to hear the gory details.

He watched her get animated with her dinner mates. She even smiled, okay they were small ones but they were there. He really wished he could get to know her better. Around him she was always very professional and very cold. Maybe there would come an opportunity for him to show that he wasn't some Cerberus lackey. To let her know that he stood for her cause, and he would follow her and help her get where she needed to be. Maybe he could let her know that he cared.

* * *

After saying goodnight to Kaidan's picture _I know it's pathetic, but I can't stop it, _she gets into bed. So tomorrow we go back to the Normandy, back to the end. She tried to not picture that day in her head. Tried not to remember how she made Kaidan leave her side. Tried not to remember her last word to him was 'go'. She should have said more. Could have said more. Damn regulations she should have told him, could have told him... That she loved him.

She tried to stay away from these memories, because they brought the dream. And she didn't want the dream to come. The one where she can't breath. The one where she dies.

She tries to think of a happy day, a non important day... like in that play Our Town. When Emily realizes she can relive any day she wants, and they advise her to pick an unimportant day. But she learns that every day was important, and that the living never realize it. Shepard couldn't think of an unimportant happy day. All happy days were importanat as far as she was concerned, so she would choose one of them. She knew her happiest days were with Kaidan, so she settled on the day she taught him to fish. Reliving that happy memory, she fell asleep.

* * *

"Hey Garrus, I need to make a stop in Afterlife before we pick up this monument, okay." Shepard tells him.

"Sure thing Shepard, is something wrong."

"No, I just have to give Aria some information and I need to ask her if I can use make use of her secure terminal."

"Oh, what for? Who are you going to contact?"

"Not him, no, like I said, he's moved on. No, my mother. She sent me a note saying that the brass informed her that I was alive, and is a bit miffed that I didn't contact her. She is right of course, I thought about Kaidan before my own family. I need to talk to her without Cerberus analyzing every little detail. She didn't mention my dad either, so I am a bit worried. And I need some ACU's, I can't' stand that colony outfit any longer! Mom can send me some."

"Sorry Shepard, It really was none of my business."

"Garrus, it's okay. If I didn't want you to know, I wouldn't have told you."

* * *

They found the SSV Normandy on the planet Alchera. Shepard is the first one down in the Shuttle bay. As she waits patiently for the others Jacob enters the bay.

"Good Morning Shepard."

"Morning Jacob, what can I do for you?"

"Well I was wondering if you will need any backup down there."

"No, I think we have it covered." Shepard tells him.

"Well I figured it might be hard for you down there, I wanted to lend a helping hand."

"While I appreciate the thought Jacob, I think this is something we need to do alone. Being down there is going to bring back memories, some good, some bad. We don't want to go parading that around to everyone."

"I understand, Shepard. I just want you to know, I'm here if you need me." Jacob said.

"Thank you Jacob, I will keep that in mind." Jacob salutes her and leaves.

Garrus comes into the bay followed by Dr. Chakwas and Joker.

Hanley walks into the bay and heads for the cockpit of the Shuttle.

"I've got this Hanley." Joker tells him.

"Hey, Joker, the shuttle is my baby. You have the Normandy."

"Yeah, but I let you drive now and then, you need me to take you baby for this trip. You go up to the cockpit and take over from Alexanader. I need to do this Hanley. We need to do this, alone."

Hanley looks at his four shipmates. "Your right Joker, bring her back safely for me, okay."

"I'll take care of her and you take care of the Normandy." Joker tells him as Garrus helps him up into the cockpit of the shuttle. The other three get into the Shuttle as Hanley waves and leaves the shuttle bay. A few minutes later they are on their way.

They step out of the shuttle, Garrus helping Joker down, and the first thing that Shepard notices is the quiet. This planet is mostly Ice and there is not even much wind. They look in front of them and there is a piece of bulkhead with the name Normandy across it. A small moan escapes from Jokers lips.

"How you doing Joker?" Shepard asks.

"Just hard to see my baby in pieces like this Shepard. I'll be okay." Joker tells her.

"Okay, now just make sure you keep your footing firm Joker. Why don't we stay together. Let's head to the south first. Keep your eyes out for anything that will help us to give closure to our crew mates families. We will do a once around of the site. Keep an eye out to see where the best place would be this monument to go. Then we will place it, agreed?" Shepard looked around as they all three nodded agreement with her.

As they walked to the south the doctor noticed something catch the light. She walked over and picked it up. It was a dog tag.

"Rosamund Draven. Her sister Talitha was also lost." Dr. Chakwas says.

"We will find them all, Doc." Shepard advises her.

"Talitha was right behind the cockpit when we got hit." Joker said "the cockpit area is right over there to the east, lets go there next."

They entered the pathway up to the cockpit now in a shambles. Garrus bends down and picks up the second dog tag.

"It's Talitha's." He tells them.

They each take turns looking into the cockpit area. Joker stays there the longest. He starts to come out when he stops and just stares at were the escape pod he survived in had been. He stares at the location for a minute or two, then looks at Shepard.

"I'm sorry Shepard." He tells her.

"Joker, over and done. Don't waste another minutes thought on it. Just next time we have to evacuate though, you do it!" She tells him not looking at him.

"No Shepard, look at me!" Joker demands, and she catches his eyes. "I am really sorry."

Shepard reaches for his hand. "I know that you are Joker. I would have checked on you anyway. Really, it's okay." A moment of understanding passes through from one to the other.

"Thank you Shepard." Joker tells her.

"Your welcome Joker." Shepard turns and heads out from the cockpit, the others follow.

As the exit the cockpit Shepard spies another shiny reflection. She stoops to pick up another dog tag.

"Caroline Grenado" she tells them, placing it into the pouch the doctor is holding open for her. They proceed towards the east continuing to explore the crash site.

The Doctor finds the next pair. "Mandira Rahman" she says as she adds them to the pouch.

Shepard pulls out her shotgun and fires at an empty crate. "I liked Mandira, she had a great sense of humor." she tells them. Joker walks over to the debris and bends down, he comes up with another dog tag

"Carlton Tucks" he says, putting it in the pouch, joining it with the others.

"Looks like we have to check through the crates too." Garrus observes.

"Then that's what we will do." Shepard confirms.

As they walk towards an unused escape pod Garrus spies an undamaged container of element zero and picks it up.

"We can use this." He says.

"Then take it with us." Shepard tells him.

She finds the next dog tag at the base of the pod. "Jamin Bakari" she drops it in the pouch.

She turns around and something familiar catches her eye. She hurries over to the shelf and climbs up, Garrus close on her heels.

"Shepard I don't think..." He starts to say.

"No Garrus, it's mine and I want it." Shepard tells him as she picks up the damaged item. The others join them, curious to see what she has found.

"Oh, Shepard, it's your helmet." Dr. Chakwas says in surprise.

"Yeah Doc, this helmet and I have been through life and death together. I want to keep it." She tells her.

"Well then I think you should." The doctor agrees.

As they walked past the galaxy map Addison Chase joined the others in the pouch. As Garrus walked around the debris he spied a damaged data pad and picks it up. Looking through it quietly, he then hands it to Shepard.

"Oh, Pressly. You know he really changed once you guys came on board." She tells Garrus, "I think that having a diverse crew was one of the best things for the Alliance. It opened everyone's eyes that working together with other races really got things done. I miss Pressly though. He was dependable and conscientious. The best XO I could have hoped for." she smiled at the pad. "I think we will leave this here for others to see. Hopefully they will glean a bit of knowledge from his experiences."

"That's a wonderful idea, Shepard." Dr Chakwas says after she finishes reading the data pad and handing it over to Joker for him to look at. Joker handed it back to Shepard and she lays it back down in the remnants of the CIC.

They picked up Harvey J. Gladstone's tags while walking over to the mako, where they found Silas Crosby's tags.

"You know, I really hated to drive this thing." Shepard says.

"Yeah, you were really bad at it." Garrus laughs at her. "When you would go out without me, which I admit wasn't often, you would always bring it back damaged. I swear Shepard I thought you did it to piss me off."

"No, I didn't Garrus" she says to him. "I just really had a hard time driving mountainous terrain with it."

"We should take it with us." Joker suggested.

"I don't think the Alliance would approve of us taking an Alliance mako on board a Cerberus ship. Besides this is the Normandy's mako. It belongs here with her." Shepard tells him.

"Yes, I guess that makes sense." Garrus agrees, not quite able to mask his disappointment.

"Come on Garrus" Joker quips. "You can visit with it on weekends." They all laughed breaking the somber mood for the moment.

Germeen Barrett and Hector Emerson joined the others in the pouch as they headed over to the sleeper pods.

Joker bends down to pick up another set. "You know I hated to sleep in these things, that's why I always sleep in the cock pit. Orden Laflamme" he says handing the tags to Dr. Chakwas.

"And here I thought it was because you were abnormally obsessed with the ship." Shepard smirks at him bringing a laugh from everyone including Joker.

They walk over to the remains of the mess Along the way they find dog tag belonging to Monica Negulesco, Helen M. Lowe and Alexei Dubyansky. They were added ceremoniously to the pouch.

"You know we had some really good times in this mess." Doctor Chakwas observes. "We all became a family in this mess."

"Now it's all broken, like our family is." Shepard says.

"Now, Shepard, family members leave and they come back. They are always family. I know your feeling a little lost now, but we are here. I can't guarantee that everyone will return to the fold now, but I guarantee that eventually they all will return in some capacity." She pats Shepard on the shoulder.

"Your right Doc, I will hope that it happens sooner, rather than later. It would be nice to have more people around me that I can trust." Shepard responds.

"You have us Shepard." Garrus points out.

"Yeah, Shepard, you can't go wrong with us there to help you." Joker says.

"Yes, that's true I would probably be a wreak without the three of you to keep me whole." Shepard points out.

"Shepard, somehow I truly doubt that." Dr. Chakwas observes.

They went on searching through the area and searching crates. Garrus recovered three more containers of element zero. Raymond Tanaka, Robert Felawa, Abishek Pakti, Marcus Grieco and finally Amina Waaberi were recovered and the Crew complete again.

"Okay Amina was the last one," Shepard tells them after pulling the dog tag from a crate. "Where do you think is the best place for the monument? By the CIC? By The Cockpit? In the Center?"

"I want it by the cockpit." Joker tells them "to me that is the heart of the ship."

"Well the CIC was the heart of the ship to me Joker." Shepard points out.

"Well the by the mako is kind of in the middle." Garrus says.

"The mess was the heart of the ship for all of us, but I don't think that anyone else would understand." Dr. Chakwas tells them.

Shepard walks over to the Cockpit and surveys the site. She then walks over to the CIC and surveys the site from there.

"You can see the whole site better from here, I think we should place it here." Showing them what she means by making them each stand where she had at both sites.

"Your right Shepard, it needs to go here" Joker agrees with her.

Garrus gets the monument out of the shuttle and places it by the CIC. They all look at it for a few minutes and then headed back to the shuttle. Each one of them looking back at the scene for a minute before entering the shuttle.

"Goodbye old girl." Joker says as he closes the shuttle door. "I will miss you."

* * *

A/N: Our Town a three act play by Thornton Wilder


	35. Chapter 35

Bioware owns All. Again for those of you just joining us I tend to bounce around back and forth because we can't go with just Kaidan dreams, we have too much of that. Try not to get seasick (I hear they have pills for that). I can't wait to see what becomes of the crew... if anybody wants to let me in on the secret ... Oh wait, that's my muse right. Oh yeah, well ... yeah ... she writes all over the place and then I have to put it together. This is what you get when you have a muse that refuses to drink ... oh well. Hope you enjoy!

* * *

A Drink

~Eleven weeks after the Attack on the Normandy~

Kaidan sat in Anderson's office hearing Anderson and Udina arguing again. This went on so often it was pathetic. This time they were arguing about the council increasing the number of dreadnoughts the Alliance is allowed. The new number being three for every five that the turians build and one that the associated races build. Since the humans only had one for every five the turians built they now get to increase the fleet by two dreadnoughts for every one they already have. A necessary increase really if the Alliance are to be responsible for patrolling the whole of council space and beyond. Anderson saw it that way and Udina didn't. Kaidan thought again how his job wouldn't be so bad if he didn't have Udina in Anderson's office twenty times a day.

"This is a waste of resourses, Anderson. Let the turians build their drednoughts, we should be thinking about expanding our colonies. That will bring us more resources." Udina tells him.

"The Alliance Navy is now the dominant military power in Citadel space, I don't what to lose that edge. Have you forgotten about the Reapers, they are still coming. We need to be ready. We lost eight ships during the Battle of the Citadel, or did you forget that? We need to increase the number of ships we have, to protect our space and Council space." Anderson explains.

"Reapers, you don't really believe that hogwash. Shepard made that up to get the council to do what she wanted. She played you all." Udina says snidely.

Kaidan stood up. "Commander Shepard did not make it up Ambassador. Did you forget I was with her when Sovereign spoke to her and admitted it's plan to destroy all sentient life in the universe. I was with her when she made contact with Vigil. I heard it all with my own ears and saw it with my own eyes. And since you insisted that I have a psych evaluation because of the destruction of the Normandy, you know that I am of sound mind. This is not a fantasy that Shepard imagined, this is a real threat that has not gone away. She warned you of what was to come, you just ignored her and the Citadel suffered for it. Would you ignore her again? Who will suffer now Ambassador"

"You respected Shepard too much, she was unbalanced Commander. She was nothing but a trouble maker only good for publicity. You would be right smart to just forget her." Udina dismisses Kaidan's strong words.

Anderson interrupted Kaidan who was about to launch into an angry retort. "I worked with that woman for years Udina, the one thing that Commander Zinya Shepard was not, was unbalanced. She was the most balanced person I know male or female. I believed her then, I believe Commander Alenko now. The Reapers are coming. What scares me the most is that, with her death, we lost the best chance of defeating them. Sit down Alenko."

The Ambassador launched into another tirade. Kaidan was fuming. How dare he insult the woman he loved. Of course they didn't know that. The people who did he kept away from him. He didn't want his memory of her to overwhelm him. Kaidan took a deep breath and decided to ignore the argument for now because what Anderson said has triggered a memory.

_They were walking along the forest path back to the cabin. They had run a long way but were just leisurely strolling back with their arms on each others waists. _

"_So what's the plan when we get back to work." Kaidan asks her._

"_Well we have to start gathering more intel on the Reapers, because destroying one ship is not going to keep them away. They destroyed all sentient life fifty thousand years ago. I can't see them giving up because we destroyed a ship." Shepard tells him._

"_You might not be able to get the council to back you up on this."_

"_Yes, I know that. I will just have to tell them that I am going to do this with or without their help, although with would be better." _

"_Yeah, well we still answer to the Alliance, too. How are you going to juggle that if they are not on the same page?" Kaidan asks._

"_The way I see it, Spectre outranks Lieutenant Commander. Besides it doesn't matter, this is not up for debate, the Reapers are coming. I will do everything in my power to stop them. I stole a military prototype warship to stop Sovereign, I will do anything I can to stop the Reapers. I will not allow innocent lives to perish because of stupidity."_

"_Stealing the Normandy was a fluke Shepard, you shouldn't have to break any regulations to go after the Reapers. I'm a by the book kind of guy, you know."_

"_I don't know if I have to break any rules or not, you just have to know that to save sentient life, if I have no other option, I will break the rules. And I will understand if you won't come with me but, Alenko, there is one rule that you are already breaking, the one rule I hope that you will continue to break even though you know it's wrong." Shepard smiles at him slyly. _

_He stops and pulls her into his arms. Holding her close he contemplates her eyes before pulling her in for a kiss. After the kiss he looks into her eyes again and says "Shepard, if I am going to be court-marshaled for fraternization, you had better make it worth it!" She rewards him with a deep laugh._

His memory is broken by Anderson. "Alenko you can go for today, the Ambassador and I have a few more things to work out." he says.

"Yes sir, Councilor, Ambassador." Kaidan takes his leave.

Heading for the transport, _might as well get something to eat first, _Kaidan walks by an advertisement kiosk.

"I'm Commander Shepard" He freezes as he hears her voice. He turns and his eyes fall on her visage on the kiosk. Her voice is replaced by the standard Alliance recruitment message "The Alliance needs you". Kaidan just stares at her holo until it is replaced by the next advertisement. For a moment he thought she was there, the pain he feels when he realizes she isn't freezes him in place. He is not sure how long he stands there staring at the kiosk watching advertisement after advertisement drone on before he finally shakes himself free. _They d__on't support her, but they use her even in death _Kaidan is too shocked even to be angry right now, but the anger will come.

He gets on a transport and heads for the Zakera ward.

* * *

As Kaidan got off the transport he notices that the new lounge was open. The front was darker then Flux had been, it seemed inviting but he decides he doesn't need to know and walks by.

"Commander, Commander Alenko!" He turns to see who is calling his name.

"Commander, how are you?" Corporal Jodus comes running up to him with six marines in tow.

"I'm doing okay, how have you been Corporal?" he asks, trying to be polite, but it sounds cold to him.

"Oh come on Commander, your off duty now lighten up. Hey guys this is the Commander that saved my ass. Commander this is Renyac, Hoover, Covin, McClynn, Soloman, and Cooper. Guys this is Commander Alenko." The other six marines all stand at attention and salute, but Jodus just goes right on as if they are old friends. "So how do you like your new job Commander?"

"I would say it was interesting." It was hard to ignore her exuberance. So few people were actually happy like this when they saw him, usually a reflection of his mood he suspects.

"Yeah I'll bet, hey we were just going to try out the new Dark Star lounge, why don't you join us?"

"Well I don't think that would be..." Kaidan starts but she grabs his arm.

"Nonsense, we're all off duty and you really do need to lighten up, besides one drink, whats one drink?" She asks him.

She was obviously the ringleader of this small band. As she pulls him towards the lounge he hears Cooper snicker to McClynn and thought he heard the word 'fraternization' he was just about to say something but she beats him too it.

"Oh please Cooper, he isn't my type, he has too many parts if you know what I mean. We're just friends, aren't we Commander."

"I guess we are Corporal." Kaidan says.

She is right, what harm is one drink, he doesn't have anything else to do. Just marines out to have fun. Might even change his mood, stranger things have happened. Besides, she reminds him of Ashley.

Kaidan thinks the Dark Star Lounge was a bit upscale looking for a bunch of marines on a tear. He likes that it doesn't have too many bright lights and that the color scale is muted. They find a table that will accommodate them all, and Jodus sends Cooper up to get some drinks.

"So Commander" Jodus talks to him as the others talked among themselves "are you ever going to tell me why your so fucking down all the time."

"That wouldn't be my first choice of a conversation topic, Corporal." Kaidan says to her with an edge to his voice.

"Okay, okay, you'll tell me eventually you know. Change of subject. Do you really like working with all those stuffy politicians?"

"Actually like everyone else there are things I like about my job and things I don't." Kaidan reflects on having to deal with Udina. "What are you doing on the Citadel anyway Corporal?" Cooper comes over and hands Kaidan and Jodus a drink.

"I am not sure. Captain Foster needed to have a meeting with Admiral Hackett. I guess the fact that we were just here three weeks ago didn't matter. Whatever it is must be a big deal, because there was a big rush to get here. Wouldn't you know?" she says.

"No I deal with mostly Citadel business. The Councilor does deal in Alliance business from time to time but only when it pertains to safety of citizens. I haven't heard anything."

"You wouldn't tell me if you knew anyway. Which is the way it should be. I wasn't trying to pry information from you Commander, just so you know." Jodus tells him.

"I didn't think you were Corporal, I thought you were just being nosy, a normal human trait shared with one hundred percent of the rest of the human population." He takes a sip of his drink.

"Yeah, we are a nosy bunch aren't we. Hey McClynn, second round's on you." Jodus said holding up her empty glass "What about you Commander, another round?"

"I haven't even finished the first one yet, no thank you Corporal." Kaidan tells her.

"Not much of a drinker are you?" she asks.

"No not much." He answers, taking another drink.

Her words have sent him to another time, another conversation, about drinking.

_"So you're telling me... no, now let me get this straight biotics don't get drunk?" Shepard asks him._

_"We can get drunk, but with our metabolism it just takes a lot more liquor to get us there." Kaidan explains to her._

_"Well I don't really drink, never liked the taste of alcohol" she tells him._

_"Well we can go for coffee instead, if you would like."_

_"I would really like to have is a milkshake, chocolate, with whipped cream on it. Oooh or a nice ice cold glass of milk, I love milk. But I guess coffee will do in a pinch, I think."_

_"Hey if the War Hero wants a milkshake or milk, we have to find her a milkshake or milk, don't we Chief? I mean we almost have to, don't we. We wouldn't want to upset the balance of cosmos." Kaidan says. _

_Shepard rewarded him with a rare laugh._

"Now that's better." Jodus' voice brings him back to reality.

"What's better." Kaidan asks her.

"You actually have a small smile on your face. You should smile more often, it looks good on you. Oops and there it's gone again. You have some kind of rule against smiling?"

"No, no rule. I just have a lot of things on my mind." Kaidan finishes his drink and rises. "It was really nice talking to you Corporal, I have to go."

"Commander, before you go, I have a request. It has to do with why I wanted you to have a drink with me. The next time I am on the Citadel or anywhere else you happen to be at the same time I am; I want you to promise me you will come out with me for one drink. And not just the next time, I want to ask you to do it every time we find ourselves stationed at the same place at the same time. I know it's a lot to ask, but please?" Jodus asks him.

"Why would you ask me to do that Corporal?" Kaidan says.

"Huxley died, and it could have been me. I wanted to have this drink with you, for him. I think having a drink with you will remind me of him and how lucky I really was. You were there with me, I would like you to be there for the drink. It is something good that can come out of this bad thing that happened. It will also get you to do something wild and adventurous. I mean really, working with those politicians has got to be one of the most boring things to do."

"It has it's moments. Okay Corporal, it's a deal. When you and I are in the same location, you contact me and I will have a drink with you, in memory of Huxley."

"Thank you for joining us Commander."

"If I remember right, you didn't really give me a choice." Kaidan says to her.

She smiled slyly at him. "If I had given you a choice, you wouldn't have come, and I needed to have this drink with you. Thank you for indulging me Commander." She puts out her hand to him.

Kaidan takes her had and shakes it "your welcome Corporal, stay safe." She salutes him. He salutes back and says "until the next time." He turns and leaves.

* * *

As he leaves the lounge he heads off to the kiosk to pick up some food and again he hears

"I'm Commander Shepard."

Kaidan stops and closes his eyes. _I don't know if I am going to be able to stand this. I really want to hear her voice again, but not this way. I want her to tell me how she feels. I want to ask her the questions I never asked. I want the answers I need. I want her to forgive me for failing her. I never should have told her about Joker. That weasel, I should have just gotten him myself. Anderson is right, we don't have a chance against the Reapers. Not without her. _Kaidan takes deep breaths trying hard to hold back the tears that are threatening, just from hearing her voice. He gets himself under control and decides he isn't hungry and heads for home.


	36. Chapter 36

Bioware owns all! Sorry for the space between updates, If your not on KAST you might not know but I was on vacation and then had to go to a communications conference so my writing time was cut way down. Hopefully you will enjoy this.

I want to make mention here of three people that really are a great help to me when I am writing, my friends from the KAST Shenzi, Star and Sesheta. It you like this they are to be commended. Of course if you hate it... well then it's all me.

* * *

**Hovercraft**

~Present Day~

"_Kaidan you have to stop." Shepard says as she squirms under him on the exercise mat, her breathing heavy. He lifts his head up from the crook of her neck where he has been exploring. She feels one of his hands fondling her breast and the other is kneading her bottom._

"_But I thought you liked it?" he stares in her eyes and the beauty of his takes her breath away. _

"_I do like it, that's the problem. This is a public space, we can't do this here. You're getting too carried away." _

_Or more importantly she was getting too carried away. It took all her will not to put her hands on that place on his body that gave them both the most pleasure. He groaned and rolled off her and she tried not to reflect the disappointment that she felt. But she knew it was the right thing to do._

"_You're right of course. I didn't think that once we had finally..., I didn't realize it would be so hard to keep my hands off you." He turns towards her and smiles "and it is really hard you know."_

"_Yes, I know." That was the problem, she did want him so bad, but she couldn't take the chance. "I want you too, you know." she tells him._

_The joy shows in his face, it goes straight to her heart "Really, you really do? I mean... well, that means a lot to me, Zin." He grabs her hand and kisses it. _

_He rarely uses her name in normal conversations, (__I think he is afraid he will slip and use it day to day_) _she thinks, but he has used it in the heat of passion. His use of it here tells her how much this really means to him. She pulls him towards her awarding him a passionate kiss._

"_Yes Kaidan, I really do want you. I always will." She tells him as she..._

Shepard sits up in bed. Her heart is beating quickly but at least this time it is not in fear. Although passion for someone you can't have probably wasn't that much better. It hadn't been that long ago since that happened. What was it a few weeks, a month, two months? _Plus two years,_ she frowns. Yep, can't forget the plus two years. She runs her hand through her hair. _If it isn't the Reapers, or __Sovereign __it's sexy Kaidan dreams, or yelling Kaidan dreams, or crazy Kaidan dreams, god Shepard, you have a one track mind_. She throws back the covers and looks at the time. Well just a little early, might as well get up.

After her morning wake up routine (toilet, shower, teeth, hair and stare at his picture for a while) she heads off to the gym. Cerberus has everything state of the art, and lucky for her, this crew wasn't morning exercisers either. Making her way around from machine to machine she tries not to think of anything exercise related as it brings her back to Kaidan and she is trying desperately hard not to go there every waking hour of the day. Well it worked as long as she wasn't alone in her cabin, when there were times she would get entirely too maudlin.

Working with Garrus again seemed to be working out wonderfully. If she could just find someone she feels as comfortable with to be the second backup. She has been taking Jacob with them, and that is okay as far as it goes. He is trying to convince her of his willingness to back her up, but she just can't let go of the Cerberus connection. He was okay with working for Cerberus, she is not. Dr. Chakwas telling her that she worked for Shepard, and was there for Joker, well that made sense to her. Joker wanting to fly again, yeah he needed that. The fact that she came back, she knows they will leave Cerberus when she does, no questions asked. She can't guarantee that Jacob will do that, not for her. Maybe she should get to know him a little better first before she passes judgment on that. It's just that getting to know new people, yeah, she isn't that comfortable doing that right now.

Mordin is not loyal to Cerberus, so she could take him planet side, but she wanted him in the lab, developing ways to defeat the Collectors and their swarms. He was working on the latest upgrades that she has been able to find, making workable improvements to armor and weaponry. She thought he might be interesting to talk to. It should be good for at least a laugh.

Dinner was working out, it is a bit of normalcy she could depend on. Adding Garrus to the mix made it much more homey. Now she could listen to the chats and not feel like she was required to participate in the conversation, she was getting back up to speed as it were. It made her much more comfortable.

She had been getting a lot of mails from Cerberus. One from Project Firewalker, the MSV Rosalie, some survey ship is missing with a new prototype called the Hammerhead planet side exploration rover. There is a new set of armor for her from TIM, _yeah whatever_. A capacitor helmet that can make her shields recharge ten percent faster, now that she could use. She goes over the specs of the helmet, well it is a bit ugly, but for ten percent faster recharge time, she would use it. An Archon visor, for efficient use of biotic powers. Well she only had the barrier. Miranda did say she wanted Shepard to try to add other biotic talents to her repertoire, that it would be a simple adjustment to her implant. _Like the barrier isn't enough of a change to remind me that I am different from what I was. One thing is certain, I'm a fucking soldier, I use guns, I am good with guns. I understand the use of other weapons would be preferable, but let's face it, half the time I forget to put up the damn barrier, what are the odds I would remember to use the other biotic powers._ The barrier at least was passive and a useful defense (again, if she would just remember to use it). She decided against the visor, wouldn't work with the helmet anyway and she wants the ten percent recharge rate the helmet promised.

There were some other mails, both about Garrus. The first was from the wife of one of his team members. She wanted Shepard to take care of him. The other was from Dr. Michel, she wanted to hear from Garrus. Shepard would talk to Garrus about that at dinner. That would make it seem like she wanted to talk at least. Lately she found there weren't many things to talk about. Just a reflection of her mood she supposed. Sometimes it was just easier to live in her memories, though that is not too healthy she suspected.

Well at some point she was going to have to accept the changes in her life, some were okay, some, not so much. Losing Kaidan, well, that was the worst both for the team, and for her.

The mail reference Project Firewalker also mentioned two scientists were with the rover. Well in her experience if they were not receiving data, then something had gone wrong. They were going to have to start at the planet where they were last seen at, Zeona in Elysta which was in the Ismar Frontier.

* * *

"Well that was a waste of time" Shepard says as they walked back into CIC.

"It was rather interesting to drive, no shields, but the cannon works well." Garrus replies.

_Interesting to drive, I crashed into the wall three times before handing it over to you. "_Yeah, interesting isn't the word I would use. Well at least we collected all the data." Shepard sighs.

"Commander you have new messages. Kelly says.

"Let me take a quick look before we go to dinner Garrus, wait a minute. See you later Jacob." Shepard says.

Jacob realizing he is being dismissed again salutes, "Commander," and gets in the elevator.

Shepard opens her private terminal. She takes a quick look through her messages. Makes note of the new ones that has alerted Kelly and closes the terminal. She steps up to the galaxy map and signals Joker to set course for Omega. She signals to Garrus to get on the elevator. They do have to wait a few moments for the elevator, but it is still a lot quicker then the original Normandy's was. Shepard follows Garrus onto the elevator.

"It's stupid, I know she reads all my mail. I can't even send an email to my own mother, how ridiculous it that? I don't care, but I won't give her the satisfaction by talking about my mail in front of her. She'll slip up eventually and I will catch her." Shepard tells him as the elevator opens on the deck with her quarters.

"I have to change out of this armor, the good news is that Aria has a package from my mother with my ACUs in it on Omega, We are on our way there to pick it up. If you need anything for the weapons systems, we can buy it there. We should get there shortly after dinner. Rupert needs to restock your food supply anyway, he says that he now has a better idea now how much you eat. It's a good thing they don't realize your Archangel on Omega, then it could get ugly."

"Yeah," Garrus laughs "ugly is one way to put it."

"I'll see you in the mess." she says. She enters her cabin after watching the elevator door close on Garrus.

* * *

As Shepard enters the mess she sees Jacob in his usual place where he can observe her. She signals Garrus over and goes towards Jacob. She notices Jacobs expression go from confusion to nervous, but can't fathom why.

"Jacob, can Garrus and I join you for a moment? I don't really want to disturb your meal but I just got an update from Project Firewalker that I want to share with you both." Shepard asks.

"Certainly Shep... Commander, I would be happy for you both to join me." Jacob says.

Noting the slip, she sits down and chooses to ignore it. "Okay the mail I recieved says that we get to keep the Hammerhead. They say the data we collected points to three other locations. They want us to go to look for a Prothean site, and for Doctors Cayce and O'Loy. So now we have those other planets to check. You know Cerberus is getting to be as bad as the Alliance. Here go look for this, oh wait, no we need you here." Shepard tells them.

"Well I am certain they wouldn't ask if they didn't need us to do it Commander." Jacob informs her.

_Yes Jacob I am sure you believe that_. "Well since we are stuck with the Hammerhead, let see if we can make any use out of it at the next site. I don't know, without shields it has serious disadvantages. I still say in handles like an awkward child." Shepard complains.

"Well it's a good thing that I am driving then." Garrus tells her.

"Yes," she smiles "that would be a very good thing."

After taking their leave of Jacob Shepard and Garrus pick up their meals and go back down to their side of the table. Dr. Chakwas is already there and Joker joins them as they are saying their hellos.

"Anything interesting happen to you today Doc?" Shepard asks.

"Other then Mordin thinking the crew is abnormally healthy and me telling him he better do nothing to change that I would have to say, no." Dr. Chakwas answers.

"How about you Joker, anything you want to report?" Shepard asks him.

"Well EDI keeps changing my extranet bookmarks. You have to tell her that she is invading my privacy." He tells her. "It's like she is jealous.

"Joker you do realize it's a machine, a computer program, it's not real." Shepard tells him.

"Yeah, but it's an AI, she seems real. She seems to have a problem with my por... aaahhh I mean picture and vid collection." Joker explains.

"Maybe she is just trying to have fun with you." Dr. Chakway says.

"Well it's not fun! I open a bookmark expecting a sweet vid and I get a cuddly bunny story." Joker says with frustration.

"Since she is an AI and she is learning, did you try to talk to her about it?" Garrus asks.

"Yes, I told her to stop, she won't!" He turns to Shepard, "but you could order her to stop."

"Well, I think you need to explain to EDI why you need your bookmarks to stay what they are." Shepard tells him, trying not to giggle.

"Oh come on Shepard, I thought you would help me." Joker says.

"Try and work it out by yourselves first. It's in the best interest of the crew for us to try and work out our problems before going to the top. Explain to EDI that the pictures and vids release stress for you and why you need them to stay what they are." Shepard advises him.

"It won't work! She is as stubborn as you are!" Joker tells her.

"You don't know until you try Joker," Dr. Chakwas says. "I find EDI to be quite reasonable."

"Well I haven't worked with her too closely, so I don't know but so far, she seems quite cooperative." Garrus tells him.

"You guys just don't work with her as closely as I do, you don't know what she does to me on a daily basis." Joker insists.

"What do you do to EDI, Joker?" Shepard asks.

"What? Nothing." Joker says too fast.

"Joker?" She waits

"Well I put some grease on her cameras in the cockpit, so all of her vids of me look like dream sequences." He tells her guiltily.

"Okay so clean the cameras, apologize and explain why you need your bookmarks to remain where they are. I am sure you will be able to work it out." Shepard tells him.

"But if she doesn't agree, you will talk to her, right?" Joker asks her.

"See if you can work it out first, and I mean really, don't just tell her, talk to her." Shepard advises him.

"Alright, jeez you think you would help a friend out." Joker says.

"She is helping you, Jeff." Dr. Chakwas tells him.

"Doesn't seem like it to me." Joker grumbles.

"Oh, Garrus, I received a letter from Dr. Chloe Michel. She is worried that she hasn't heard from you." Shepard advises him.

"Well, you know me and mail." Garrus dismisses.

"Yeah, I do. But she really wants to hear from you. She seems sincere, maybe you should drop her a line. She really seems to like you." Shepard tells him.

"Well she is nice enough. I just tend to go for the more adventurous sort." Garrus explains.

Shepard freezes. _The more adventurous kind _that is what Kaidan had said.

"What, Shepard, what is wrong? All the color has gone from your face?" Garrus says as Dr. Chakwas gets up and goes over to her.

"I am fine." Shepard tells them trying to stop the tears that are threatening. "It's just an old memory, nothing to worry yourselves about. Just some random stupidity." She takes a deep breath and lets it out. "I'm fine really."

Dr. Chakwas gives her a hug. "There is going to be things that activate bad memories. Don't fight it Shepard, just deal with the emotions when they come, it's okay to have emotions you know."

"I know, I'm sorry to worry you." She tells her.

"Shepard, you have been through a lot in what appears to be a very little time to you. Things are going to come up that will hurt. It will get better in time, I promise." The doctor says.

"Yeah and you always have us." Joker says giving her hand a squeeze.

"Yes, always." Garrus takes her other hand.

"Thank you all, I am telling you, I will be fine, thanks to you three." Shepard manages a small smile.

"Yes my dear, you shall be." Dr. Chakwas assures her.

"So Garrus, you going to give Dr. Michel a call?" Shepard asks.

Garrus groans.

* * *

The second mission to locate the two missing doctors and the Prothean site lead them to a highly unstable volcanic planet. Again they have to scan minerals for extraction, while looking for the base. These minerals have to be located with the short range sensors, because of course the instability of the planet messes with the long range sensors.

"Why does everything have to be so hard." Shepard wants to know.

"Because life is hard." Garrus tells her with a smile.

"The base is probably down closer to the volcanic action." Jacob says.

"Knowing my luck, Jacob, your probably right." she sighs.

"Well down we go, looks like this path winds down." Garrus says.

"Stop, there is a mineral deposit here." Shepard tells him.

She scans the minerals as Garrus struggles to keep the hammerhead over the location. It seems that the mineral scanner effects the stability of the vehicle. "They really ought to fix this stability issue." Garrus says.

"Yeah, and put shields on this thing, and make the jets last longer." Shepard says as the scanner drones out the words "target acquired."

"Well it would be faster if the sensors worked." Jacob says.

"Yeah then at least we would know where the heck we were going." Shepard tells him.

They wind their way down the series of ledges and outcroppings scanning mineral deposits along the way.

"Uh, Commander, I was wondering... do you have any hobbies?" Jacob asks.

"Hobbies, like what?" Shepard replies looking into the scanner.

"You know, things you like to do in your spare time." Jacob explains.

"Spare time?" Shepard asks, then says "oh, spare time, I read." She tells him.

"What kinds of things do you read?" Jacob asks.

"I like old novels, different genres, why?" she inquires.

"Just making conversation." Jacob tells her then looks away.

"Oh, okay" she says looking into the mineral scanner.

She looks at Jacob out of the corner of her eye adjusting her head so she has a good view of him but not too obvious. She sees him turn to look at her, checking her out. He looks like he is thinking hard, then turns away. She has piqued his curiosity. She sighs to herself, _this happens way too often. Well I will just ignore it, not encourage him, and hope it doesn't develop into anything further_. She goes back to concentrating on locating minerals and the base.

They finally locate the base. On exploration they find it abandoned, the doctors are nowhere to be found. Shepard finds the sensor power grid and activates it. The sensors must have some physical features too, because the next thing they know the base is collapsing around them. Shepard follows Jacob as he runs for the hammerhead, Garrus trailing behind her. As they climb in the vehicle a tremor hits and Shepard is thrown to the floor and hits her head against a panel.

"Shepard, are you okay?" Garrus says quickly, trying to help her up.

"I'm fine, get us out of here!" she shouts at him as she gets up.

Jacob helps her to her seat and they strap in as Garrus heads for a safe pick up point. He heads up the outcroppings and ledges until he sees an opening and radios Joker the coordinates for pickup. Joker is there in seconds as he is following their progress. They enter the Normandy, and none too soon as the cave behind them collapses.

* * *

Shepard enters her cabin and removes her armor. She opens the box that her mother has sent her and pulls out good old ACUs. She changes onto them and stores the others in her closet. She smiles _this is the most comfortable I have felt since I got here._ At the bottom of the box she finds a note from her mother. She pulls it out to and starts to read it.

* * *

Garrus stands outside the Commanders door. He has changed his armor, and he thought it might be a good idea to check on her. _Well she did hit her head._ He taps on the door to warn her and it opens so he enters. He walks deeper into the room.

"Shepard?" he calls.

"Shepard are you here?" he calls again going down to the living office area.

He sees her sitting on one of the couches with a box in front of her. She looks like the Shepard of old in her ACUs, but he notices she has tears running down her cheeks and he hurries over to her.

"Shepard, what's the matter?" he asks, but she doesn't seem to know he is there.

"Shepard," he touches her arms and she turns and looks into his eyes. He sees pain in those eyes.

"What is wrong, Shepard." He asks her gently.

"Oh, nothing, it's stupid really." she tells him wiping her eyes with her hand.

"Shepard, please tell me what is wrong." he takes her hand in his.

She tries to smile. "It's just this letter from my mother, she was telling me something that happened, and I... well I guess it just brought some feelings out, that's all." she tells him.

"Is it your dad, I remember you saying you were worried?" Garrus asks her.

"No dad is fine, mom didn't mention him last time because she wanted me to know she was miffed. No it's... well..." She takes a deep breath. "She was just telling me that she met Kaidan at the reading of my will and how impressed her and dad were by him. Well she goes on, but that's the brunt of it"

Garrus watches the tears start again so he takes her into his arms to give her a reassuring hug. "It will be okay Shepard, we will get through all of this." He comforts her as she cries in his arms for a few minutes. Then she pulls back, wiping her eyes again.

"I'm sorry, I am usually stronger then this." she tells him.

"I know Shepard, but you have been through a lot."

"I'm sorry I got your armor all wet."

"It's waterproof. With everything you have been through, you're allowed to have some feelings, you know." Garrus tells her.

"Yes, the Savior of the Citadel has feelings. What a headline that would make."

She tries to smile as she gets up and goes into the bathroom and washes her face. She comes back down and sits back down next to Garrus.

"So crisis averted, what did you come up for?" she asks Garrus.

"Oh, I just wanted to see if you were okay after hitting your head, that's all."

"My head is fine Garrus, it's my heart that's the problem. Thank you for checking up on me and not freaking out at my tears."

"Shepard, if you ever need to talk you know I am here for you." Garrus assures her.

She pulls him into another hug and he puts his arms around her. He feels how soft she really is. He notices she has a very pleasant scent. He comforts her for a moment and she pulls back and he finds himself staring into her eyes.

"Thank you Garrus, that means a lot to me."

"Anytime, Shepard, and I mean it, anytime."


	37. Chapter 37

Bioware owns all.

For Shenzi, Sesheta & Star: I couldn't keep this up if it wasn't for you guys getting me through! Thank You!

For Phoenix, No Kaidan (well talk about only), No smut, no torture, no meanie...enjoy.

For everyone else, sorry, this one is all me!

* * *

**Creating A Niche**

~Nine weeks after the destruction of the Normandy~

Garrus got out of the transport and looked at the docks of Omega. _This place is a shit hole_. But if he was going to find out where that tainted eezo was coming from, he would have to learn his way around here fast.

Walking through the streets he notices the smell. It reminds him of a planet they were on once, Shepard said it smelled like dead fish. The place is dingy and dirty. He walks by a batarian preaching, but pays him no mind. He goes over to a small food shop and orders some protein. He sits down in the corner against the wall and observes the environment.

He spots no less than five thieves, four drug dealers, and at least two sex offenders. He could swear that solarian across the way is a known murderer. While he is watching a pick pocket takes a ladies bag, and she shoots him. No one even blinks. Yes this is the kind of place he is looking for. No rules or regulations to adhere to. No paperwork to file. Now all he needs to do is deal with the criminal element.

Eating his food he notices three different gang colors. Blue, _well that would be the Blue Suns._ Yellow, _that would be Eclipse_. Red, _that would be the Krogan band, now what was that name_. He thought about it as he finished his food. _Blood Pack, that's it!_ _It's probably one of these gangs that are shifting the tainted eezo_. He watches as Eclipse gang members shake down the woman who shot the thief, for killing in their territory. They extract a hefty fine from her. He looks around, no police, no uproar, nothing. This is ridiculous, they've just run amok. _I think I might be able to do something good here. I just have to learn my way around. Yeah, I can make Shepard proud here._

_Shepard is still on my mind all the time. How can one human woman become so important to someone's life? I don't even know how we actually defeated Saren and the geth. Really, if I wasn't there I wouldn't believe it. I still remember her there, undercover, flat on her ass talking to Saren, and trying convincing him of Sovereign's evil. A few words with her and he blows his head off. The way she always got things done. I still can't believe that she is gone. The Reapers, now there is a problem. I really should be with the rest of the team, planning to take down the Reapers. Without a ship we might have had some problems but we could try. Well we would have fewer problems if Alenko stepped up to the plate. I can't believe he is letting them use her image in the recruitment posters. Well to be fair, it was in a spaceport, maybe he hasn't seen them yet. I don't know if there is anything he could do about it anyway. I can't believe Alenko, he should be pushing like crazy to get them to go after the Reapers. To get the team back together. Well if we're all going to die anyway, I might as well do some good first._ He gets up to find a place to stay.

* * *

It's early in the morning. The day is already working up to be a good one. He sets himself up in one of his secret perches. He waits. The scum will come. Its midweek, they always come to shake down the local merchants here in the slums. These people hardly have the credits for daily living and these animals are shaking them down. Eclipse this week, last week it was Blood Pack. When one leaves the others try and take their place. He will have to do this until they learn their lesson and stop coming. The locals have started to call him Archangel. They know he is helping. He takes the three Eclipse down quick and fast. The first two don't even know what hit them. The last just realizes it as he is hit with the final shot and it's done. Clean and fast, the best way.

He gets up and puts his gun away. Heading back to the apartment that he has rented he feels the peacefulness that his success gives him.

He has put out feelers for the tainted eezo, but while he is waiting, cleaning up the streets makes him feel good. This is what he always wanted to do. Take care of the criminal element, to protect people who can't protect themselves. Well maybe not always, maybe only since Shepard. And the locals they appreciate it. They are happier, they are comfortable. They are no longer afraid and can enjoy what little life they have.

* * *

~Twelve weeks after the destruction of the Normandy~

Looking through the site of his sniper rifle He counts six Blue Suns. They have been pushing red sand to children from this location. Garrus is going to put a stop to it. He waits as they each walk outside, than he takes them out one at a time. The first two have no idea what is going on. The third finds the body of one of the first one's just as he is hit with the bullet. The fourth is hit just as he turns around and tries to go back in the building after realizing what is happening The two that don't come out of the building he gets them through the window. He makes sure he moves between shots so the last one can't actually ever see him and can't get him targeted. After they are all dead he goes into the warehouse collects a bunch of weapons to sell and destroys all the red sand by dumping out of an airlock.

As he is coming out with his cache a turian male walks up to him. Garrus has noticed the male watching him now and then, but as he never interfered, Garrus let him be. Now he was approaching so Garrus gets his pistol ready.

"Can I help you?" Garrus asks the male.

"Well I was kind of hoping I could help you." The male tells him. "My name is Maro Patircolus and I have been keeping an eye on you.

"Yes, I noticed you. Midweek outside the clinic, weeks start at the grocers, and two days ago outside the apartment entrance."

"Yes, well I guess I need to work on my tailing skills." Maro says.

"For a start, depending on what you're trying to accomplish. My skills were refined by one of the best though."

"What I want to accomplish huh? Well for starters, I would like to help you. I like what you do. You don't hit civilians, and go out of your way to help them. I have skills. I am a fairly good shot, with a sniper rifle and pistol. Like on this job, you could have used someone to flush them out maybe."

"Guess you terrible tailing skills would have been useful here. That is, if you had wanted to be a target. Why do you want to join me?" Garrus asks.

"Well you seem like someone that can get things done. I want to get things done. I don't want to change the universe, just my little part of it. I have lost friends to those gangs. Good friends that had good skills."

"So you're in this for revenge?"

"Yes… no… not really. I just don't want them to get away with what they do. Omega is shit and they are the ones who shit on the shit. I want them stopped. In a way it is revenge, but I want to beat them." Maro explains.

"I don't know if we can beat them, but I can certainly make them hurt."

"Hurt is good. So you'll let me work with you?"

"Sure, always can use some company. I have been watching you too. I have checked you out. Maro Patircolus, former C-sec, had problems with authority, honest and caring and too interested in the details. Actually you might fit in good with me." Garrus tells him.

"So do I call you Archangel?"

"No, please I am Garrus Vakarian, call me Garrus."

"The Garrus Vakarian, the Savior of the Cidadel Garrus Vakarian?" Maro asks

"I am not the savior of the Citadel that was Commander Zinya Shepard."

"I have seen the vids you were there, and she said she couldn't have done it without you. I heard her say that."

"Yes she was very generous like that, but I think you would find it was the other way around, we could never have done it without her." Garrus tells him.

"She stood up there in front of all the races and told anyone that would listen that it was her team that made it all possible. She was very specific that it was the different races working together, including a krogan that made it work. She also talked about a threat to all sentient life. They downplay it now, but I remember the speech."

Garrus remembered it too. That morning she was complaining that she had to make a speech. They were being awarded the Star of Terra, first time for non humans, and she thought it was all too much. She made the speech anyway. She was so bold and proud, telling the universe that her team was the best and there was no equal. She said the races working together could accomplish great things. Then she started to talk about the Reapers. Kaidan squirmed next to him as he saw Anderson scowl at her, and even Garrus could tell that Anderson was not pleased. She didn't care, she thought if even one person believed her that was one more than none. Well Garrus believed her. The rest of the team had no doubts. Truth be told even Anderson actually believed her. They just didn't want it aired in a public forum. That was just after they came back from shore leave. She was so happy then, happier then he had ever seen her. Then they sent them after geth. Two weeks later she was gone.

"Yeah, well she was telling the truth, the Reapers are coming." Garrus tells him.

"You mean, she wasn't crazy like they say?"

"What do you mean crazy? Who is saying that?"

"Yeah that's what they say. Chasing Saren made her lose her grasp on reality. Some human Ambassador was saying it."

Udina, it could only be Udina that little pyjack. He never treated her with any respect. Then the lock down… he had sold them out, just like Kaidan had said. Now there was no one to tell her side, with the team all spit up. Well Kaidan, but he couldn't really do anything, junior officer and all that. Plus he was a biotic with the L2 implants, humans looked at them as unstable anyway. Poor Kaidan, this was probably killing him inside. Well Garrus kept writing him, tried to call him. Kaidan never answered. _Not sure what he is thinking, but obviously whatever he is thinking, he isn't thinking straight. It's stupid to turn your back on your friend. I could have supported him in this._ Garrus was both sorry and glad he had left the Citadel.

"Well if it's the Human Ambassador that I am thinking of he is worse than most of the scum here, so pay him no mind. That woman was not only not crazy, but probably the sanest person you could know." Garrus told him.

"Well you knew her and if you say so I believe you. You should know though, since I have been watching you, I believe what she said too. I think having you in her team made her stronger. Your are really good at what you do. I think she was also right about races working together. They are stronger than when they keep to themselves." Maro said.

"Honestly, Shepard was strong without us, but she has a way of bringing out the best in people. She could make the most dangerous gang give up just by taking out a few key players. There was this one time that a group of rebels took over an ammunition depot. She figured out if she took down the leader she could get them to surrender. She took her head shot and killed the male. She than got everyone else to surrender to her. Then she had to field the politicians. Yes that was Shepard, she could handle anything they threw at her."

"She does sound too good to be true. So it was good working for a Spectre?"

"It was good working for that one, yes."

"So you need help to carry that?"

"Sure, it's a bit heavy."

That was how Garrus met Maro Patircolus, the first member of his own team.

* * *

"Let's go into here and get something to eat. I hear they have great food." Maro tells him.

"Sure, better we have a full stomach in case this takes longer then we think it will." Garrus says.

They walk into the little diner like kiosk. It's neat and tidy, has a counter with some seats and a few tables set up in the area. The proprietor comes over and welcomes them.

"Gentleman, I am Casosus, and you are most welcome in my establishment. I have made a special turian delicacy that my father taught me, Romulaco and I would like to buy you each a bowl. Come sit over here." He leads them both to a table by the wall.

Garrus scopes the place out "that table in the corner would be better for us Casosus, rear coverage and better view of the territory"

"Certainly sir, certainly." Casosus leads them to the table Garrus has chosen and they both take seats with their backs to the walls. He then leaves them to fetch the food.

"Well I guess word has gotten around about you." Maro says

"About us you mean. Yes it would seem so." Garrus answers

"Well at least you're appreciated. I haven't had good Romulaco for a long time."

"Who says it's good?"

"Well, I think it might be, I have only heard good things about this place." Maro says.

"I hope so, here comes our food."

Casosus puts a large bowl of food down and some drink in front of each of them "Enjoy gentleman." He leaves them to savor the meal.

Garrus takes a bite not expecting anything special and is pleasantly surprised as his mouth analyzes the food. "This is actually quite good."

"Yes it is quite good." Maro continues to scope the area as he eats. "We have a problem, Eclipse mercs closing in from the south, two of them."

"There is a third coming from the north. Let's move it, there are too many civilians here." Garrus tells him.

"Right, back door?"

"That will work"

They get up and walk towards the counter "Casosus can we use your back door, we have company that I don't want to disturb your customers with?" Garrus asks

"Certainly Archangel, I understand, this way through the kitchen." Casosus leads them through a very clean kitchen to a door that opens into one of Omega's many alley ways.

"Thank you Casosus, we will be back to sample many of your dishes. Your Romulaco is the best I have ever tasted." Garrus tells him.

"You will always be welcome here Archangel." Casosus leaves them in the alley.

Garrus looks to the west and sees the Eclipse mercs enter the alley so he and Maro turn and start leading them back throught the maze that is the alleys. Garrus has used his time on Omega well and as Shepard would have said, he got to know the area like the back of his hand. He and Maro split up in a north to east juncture, Garrus took the north and Maro continued east. Two of the Eclipse mercs follow Garrus, the third follow Maro.

Garrus leads them towards the north then takes a west turn at the next crossing. When they turn the corner he is able to take one of them down, but the other is fast and he can't get a clear shot. Still, now there was only one, better odds. Garrus heads south at the next intersection because he knows it narrows two clicks away and he will be able to get a better shot at his assailant. As he gets closer though he sees that someone has detonated something in the area and the narrowing has now become a dead end. Knowing that he has no choice he turns to face the Eclipse merc one on one.

"So Archangel, you have made a lot of trouble for us and cost us a lot of credit chits. That stops today. We will no longer have to worry about your interference." The merc tells him.

"You don't think that I am just going to stand here and let you just shoot me do you?" Garrus asks him.

"No I would like it if you figh-" and the merc's head explodes.

"I think that he talks too much, if you're going to shoot, you shoot." A tall turian with green markings on his face comes into Garrus view.

"I was wondering when you would stop following and make your presence known." Garrus says. "Turians are nothing if not consistent. You following up because you want to join us is that it?"

"You've got it. You get things done, I want to help."

"Dolab Salinatrix, ex military, you have several commendations and three medals. You left the service after being passed over at tier assessment. It seems you have problems with the command structure."

"I don't have problems with command structure as much as assholes. You are not an asshole."

"You don't know me that well, I can be an asshole." Garrus tells him.

"Most people can, but you lead where others choose to follow. That works for me. If I ever have a problem with one of your commands I will tell you, but I will go where you lead anyway, even if I disagree with you. Is this acceptable to you, Archangel?"

"It is, Call me Garrus."

And that is how Dolab Salinatrix joined the team.

* * *

"Okay well if we are going to take them down in that stronghold we are going to need an explosives expert." Garrus tells them. "Anyone have any ideas."

"I don't really know any explosives experts, C-Sec didn't have a use for explosives experts, well except in the terms of deactivate that is." Maro says.

Well I have some ideas, but does personality count?" Dolab asks.

"Does he have a personality of a door or of a vorcha?" Garrus asks

"Well close, think varren." Dalob says.

"Well, Varren huh? I think I can work with that." Garrus says.

"Let me make some calls." Dalob tells him.

Maro stays undercover on the northwest corner of the stronghold. He knows that Dalob has taken up residence on the northeast corner, and he even knows where he should have stationed himself, but he can't see him. This is as it should be, because if Dalob is doing his job right no one should see him. Maro just hopes that he is doing a better at hiding then he used to.

Dalob wasn't kiding about the new explosives expert, he was just plain not friendly. Not strange for a batarian though. Flin Jenk'anon only grunted when he was introduced to Garrus and Maro. That went on for so long that Maro wondered if he could speak at all. Finally when all was explained to him he had only one question.

_"So I am not allowed to blow up Omega right?"_

_"No I would appreciate it if you kept the explosion local only, inside of the building, and try not to weaken the structure of the building. It would really help if they think they can use the building again. We won't lose any time learning the layout of a new location." Garrus tells him._

_Flin Grunts._

_"It doesn't matter if any of them are killed, but I want all the red dust stores destroyed." Garrus says._

_Flin Grunts._

_"There will be krogen inside since it is Blood pack, so you might have to up the charge. I take it that won't be a problem?"_

_Flin Grunts._

_"I will take you in and we will sneak around and plant the charges, we will go in early when they will be lightly guarded."_

_Flin Grunts._

_"Do you have it all?" Garrus asks._

_"Can't blow up Omega, can't destroy building, no structural damage, killing okay, will be krogans go in early and destroy red dust." Flin said._

_"Yep that's about it, can you do it?" Garrus asks._

_Flin Grunts._

Garrus took that as a yes and they went in two hours ago and haven't been heard from since. Maro was starting to get worried a bit, but he also knew that precision bomb planting took time. It looked like more of the Blood Pack were waking up, that meant more chances to be caught. He scanned the courtyard of the stronghold once more, still not seeing anything suspicious or any movement. He scanned the roof which was Garrus' secondary escape route if they got cut off. Still he saw nothing. He took a deep breath, nothing to do but wait.

* * *

Dalob was right, Flin is good. He takes his time and calmly sets each charge with precision. He doesn't talk much and has the stealth skills of a serial killer. Garrus has to admit he was a bit worried about how they would be able to sneak around, but the batarian is nothing if not quiet. He also moves like a cat, or at least what Garrus had read cats move like. He had never actually seen a cat. Flin is even quieter than Garrus. It takes Flin just under two hours to set the charges and than they start to head out. Problem is there is a merc between them and the exit.

Garrus watches the merc contemplating whether it would be better for him to die now or later. Take the head shot and risk discovery or wait him out. Garrus hasn't brought anything to silence his weapon with. He has a blade, so he could sneak up on him, but the armor and the thick krogen skin meant it would be a noisy kill anyway you slice it. _Yeah, that was a bad pun_. Just as Garrus was thinking it would be better to take his chances with the head shot, the krogen moves and the way is clear.

* * *

Giving Maro a signal Garrus and Flin approach him from the west.

"How did it go?" Maro asked him.

"Really good except for the last few minutes our way was blocked by a krogen. They usually all go in for a quick debrief at day start which should be any minute now." Garrus tells him. "the best chance of taking them all out will be then."

"How loud an explosion should it be?" Maro asks.

"I don't know, Flin how big an explosion will it be." Garrus asks.

"Big, not much noise." Flin says.

"Sounds good to me. Look, they are going in now." Garrus says watching the Blood Pack enter the Stronghold.

"When?" Flin, always short on words, asks.

"Wait five minutes for them to get to the central room and blow it. Do we have to move from here?" Garrus asks him.

"Contained." Flin says.

"Does that mean no?" Maro asks.

"I guess so." Garrus says.

Flin Grunts.

Four minutes later the bombs blow and Garrus is amazed at how little noise there actually is. There is a small flash from the windows and then heavy smoke. No flames, no yelling, no problems.

"Well I guess that is the end of that." Maro says.

"Yes, very good work Flin. Thank you."

Flin Grunts.

Dalob comes over to join them.

"Did you get anything while you were in there?" he asks Garrus.

"Yes I got some assault rifles, missles and some grenades that I hid over at the south west corner of the courtyard. There was also some tech there, not top of the line but it should bring in a pretty credit on the market. I also was able to secure some food stocks so it was a good haul." Garrus tells him.

"Well then this mission is a success." Dalob says.

"Yes it is thanks in large part because of Flin. I would like you to stay on as our explosives expert, Flin, we don't harm civilians and you can't destroy Omega. We want to take down the gangs but not hurt the citizens, okay?" Garrus asks him.

Flin Grunts.

"That means yes." Dalob translates.

"Great that means now we are four." Garrus says pleased.

* * *

**A/N: **I made the batarian the explosives expert because it made more sense to me that the solarian would be the Tech expert. I know it doesn't follow exactly, but then again what does. It made more sense the the explosives expert would be mean.


	38. Chapter 38

Bioware owns all. Welcome back, that is if you did come back... okay if you're reading this I will assume you came back. This one is full of dialog, so if you don't like that sort of thing, well I am sorry, but with Walls, that is kind of how it goes. This one goes out to the members of the KAAS and the KAST who I spend most of my waking moments with. That is when I am not dealing with life's emergencies at work.

This chapter is all touchy feely, I know you don't believe that can come out of someone like me... it's my muse really... she refuses to drink.

* * *

**All In A Working Day**

~Present Day~

"God Shepard your a grown woman, this has got to stop!" She told herself as the sat up in bed.

Her heart racing and she was very aroused due to the fact she had been dreaming about Kaidan, again. The night before Ilos this time. Why couldn't she just let him go. He was just a man to be sure. _Oh but what a man! Yeah that is not helping. Kaidan is gone. By now Anderson has let him know your alive and he has not contacted you. It's over, and there is nothing you can do about it. Some things you just can't fix. Like Ashley. At least he isn't dead, and if he's happy... Well I can't say I would be happy, but content, I can do content. Damn, I can't even kid myself._ Throwing back the covers and choosing to ignore the discomfort the dream has wrought, Shepard gets up.

Walking towards the bathroom, she ends up at the desk instead looking at his picture again. _Not like I didn't just see him in my head a few minutes ago, and a lot less formally attired I might add. _She smiles to herself and heads to the bathroom to start her day.

* * *

After her workout and shower Shepard heads to the mess for her daily oatmeal. Garrus is there at the table having one of his meals. Rupert hands her the oatmeal and milk that he already has prepared for her and she heads for Garrus.

"More hammerhead runs for that Firewalker thing?" he asks.

"Yes, that last one added the location of the Prothean site, I guess we should go there first as the geth are going to be after it. "

"How are you feeling today?"

"You don't really want to talk about this Garrus do you?"

"Shepard, I meant what I said, I am here for you."

"I am fine, I was able to finish my mother's letter with no more tears. I keep forgetting for me it has only been weeks, but for you it has been years." She smiles sadly. "It seems they kept in touch with Kaidan. My dad would call and talk to him giving him pep talks. My dad has a high position in the Alliance so he doesn't do well with writing and has no trouble getting comm time. Mom says she wrote him often and he would write back. I am glad I told them that I wasn't doing any special ops when I talked to her last, or else she would have gone after him for not having told her I was alive. Dad's ears are still burning from having to convince her that he didn't know. They are not happy that I was 'near death' for two years and no one notified them."

"Near death Shepard?"

"Yeah, I didn't want to go into that whole resurrected thing, it's a bit too biblical for my tastes. Clinically dead helps and it explains why they didn't hear from me for two years. Besides, clinically dead is really what it was if you get technical, since you really can't bring the dead back to life. Maybe I am not even really alive, maybe this is all a dream, someone's made up fantasy."

"I am afraid that you are indeed alive Shepard and this is not some made up fantasy. The Collectors are taking whole colonies. You do have to conquer the enemy and you are outgunned. Walk in the park for you."

"Yes I hope so. Well I afraid I can't explain away Cerberus to her as easily I'm afraid. When I told her that I was still a Spectre I think she was satisfied. I don't think dad will be as easy on me there, but since I told her that communication to the ship was monitored by Cerberus, dad won't call, so I should be okay for a while. Dad follows me very closely and is copied on all my reports so knows all about Cerberus, he is not happy with me. He did tell my mother he trusted me and he was waiting for me to report to him when all this is finished."

"Report to him, like in formal report?" Garrus asks.

"No, just report to him as in his daughter better fucking tell him what is going on." Shepard smiles.

"There now that's better you're smiling, that is a smile, right?"

Shepard laughs. "Yes that is a smile Garrus."

"Well it's nice to see it again, you should do it more often."

"I'm trying Garrus, I am trying." Shepard tells him.

* * *

"I still hate this thing Garrus." Shepard snaps at him as she fires at a rocket drone.

"Yeah, I'm not loving it at the moment either." He says as he struggles with the controls, trying to avoid being hit.

"Think maybe we can send a memo saying if you're going to take the hammerhead into combat and you made it so that we could shoot, maybe some shields would be a good idea?" Jacob said.

"Damn rocket drones, they're all over!" Shepard curses.

"I hope you don't get sick easily Jacob." Garrus says as he causes the hammerhead to rise and fall to avoid the rockets. "I know Shepard doesn't. You should see how she used to drive the mako."

"Yeah that is the only reason I brought you or Alenko with me all the time, this way I didn't have to drive." She laughed.

"Yeah I remember the time you went out with the 'girls', you got Liara sick, and gave the mako a flat as I recall." Garrus tells her.

"Oh yes!" Shepard gets excited. "Then we had to come and get you to take us to the pirate stronghold. Ash and I got to kill a thresher maw on foot. Okay it was almost dead, but that was great. I really loved that, so did Ash."

"A thresher maw on foot, Shepard, that is dangerous." Jacob says as he enjoys the flush the excitement is giving her.

"Yeah, like I said it was almost dead." she tells him.

"Yeah, she really loves to kill thresher maws. She will make you travel way out of the way if she thinks there is one in the area. You cannot imagine the disappointment when she has pinpointed a site as a good bet for one and then been disappointed because... come on Shepard, you missed that one! Yeah she gets all 'pouty' I think was the word Alenko would use, when there isn't one." Garrus says.

"I am the god damn Savior of the Citadel, I do not get pouty!" Shepard tells them.

"Jacob, when a woman turns down her mouth and protrudes her bottom lip and creases her brow, what would you call that expression?" Garrus asks him.

"Sorry Shepard but that sounds like pouting to me." Jacob tells her, hoping he might get to see that expression at some point.

"Well, I will not admit to pouting and unless you guys have pictures you can't prove it." She tells them.

"I think Alenko has a couple, I will have to check with him." Garrus says.

The laughter goes out of her. "I don't think he does, anyway that would be a bad idea Garrus." She says quietly.

"You're right, can't depend on anyone else I will have to get a picture myself!" Garrus tries to restore the situation before she travels down that dark road again. "Maybe you should pull out some survey maps for the Terminus systems and see if we can find any thresher maws to go after Shepard."

"I don't think these planets have been as thoroughly surveyed." Shepard says.

"Well Commander, I think you would be surprised how much they were surveyed. I think that a lot of mining companies sent drones into the Terminus systems to survey the planets, we certainly could try to find those maps." Jacob tells her. _Alenko, she must have something for him. Damn, he's a lucky guy_. "I really wouldn't mind seeing you go up against a thresher maw. How do you find one?"

"Simple really" she shakes herself. "They like flat plains and if there are chambers or tunnels shallow under the surface you can almost guarantee that there will be a maw living there. After that you just have to find the optimum range. Maws are creatures of habit, if you move they do, so if you have a vehicle that can jump, like a mako, it is best to use that. Then once you get it to surface, don't move your location just jump when they spit. If you time it right the acid never hits you and you can take it out. On foot of course you just have to keep moving." The excitement is coming back to her eyes. "Yeah as long as you keep moving and firing you can take them down."

"Why do you go after thresher maws, what makes you hate them so?" Jacob asks.

"Because they are sneaky, they can come up with no warning. They can take out a whole squad in a matter of seconds. They can take out armored vehicles with no problem. I have studied them extensively and I know them. Guess that makes me a maw expert." She smiles.

"Best maw expert in the Terminus Systems that is for sure." Garrus tells her.

"Yeah well I am sure there are scientists that have better knowledge of their inner workings, but I know them as the predators that they are and respect them as such. Damn there are more rocket drones, we have to get to those generators." Shepard says.

"Take them down one at a time that is the best way I guess." Garrus tells her.

"Follow the power cables, and then we should be able to find the generators faster." Shepard tells him.

"Right" Garrus acknowledges.

"Well we are going to have to find a way around to that one it's too high, I will follow the next cable. Damn rocket drones." Garrus says.

"As protecting the site goes they are efficient. Damn the sight on this piece of shit is off, it needs to be calibrated. It's off, south of center, by a good bit too." Shepard tells them.

"I'll take care of it when we get back to the Normandy, Commander." Jacob tells her

"I would appreciate it Jacob." Shepard says. "There's one generator down."

"How many generators are there?" Jacob asks.

"I think I counted four. Here is a shelf that's low enough for me to get up." Garrus says.

"Damn there are more rocket drones up here, what did they get them for half price?" Shepard complains.

"Well Commander Cerberus is not cheap when it comes to defense." Jacob says.

"Yes, I remember. There that's two, hey look Garrus, you think we can make that ledge?" Shepard asks.

"Yes Shepard I don't think that's a problem, hold on." Garrus tells them.

"Of course more drones, why wouldn't there be." Shepard says. "Okay that is three, hey Garrus try to go back over to the other shelf. I think I saw a side track up to the last one."

"Okay Shepard." Garrus answers.

"There to the left." Shepard says.

"I see it, and more drones." Garrus tells her.

"Fun, Fun, Fun." Shepard laughs.

"Only the best for you Shepard." Garrus laughs.

"Okay that should be the last one. Yep the field is down, lets go." Shepard says.

They get out of the Hammerhead and enter the facility guns drawn.

"This doesn't really resemble the other Prothean sites we have seen." Shepard says.

"How many Prothean sites have you been to?" Jacob asks.

"A few, maybe we can avoid destroying this one, what do you think Garrus?" Shepard asked.

"It kind of resembles Feros a bit. I think that there would be a happy archeologist that would appreciate it if we didn't destroy it this time." Garrus says.

"This time?" Jacob asks.

"Yeah, well we lost the last one to lava and it seems I caused the one on Therum to be over run by lava when I used a miner beam to rescue Liara T'soni." Shepard said.

"I don't see how they can blame us when both the planets were unstable to begin with." Garrus says.

"Well it seems everything is always my fault. They blame me for Vimire when it was Captain Kirrahe's idea. 'Things blow up when you're around Shepard' or something like that, they tell me." Shepard tells him.

Jacob can see the stress come to her face when she talks about Vimire. He remembers when Miranda asked her about leaving Ashley Williams behind she had a very sad look on her face for a moment and then schooled her expression. They must have been close.

They continue down ramps several levels way underground. They found a data pad from Dr. Cayce that said the Geth showed up right after they arrived. They then find a pad from Dr. O'Loy where he admits to making a deal with the collectors to give them the Prothean site in exchange for the safety of a colony where his loved one was. Dr. Cayce killed Dr. O'Loy thinking he was indoctrinated. Then Dr. Cayce seems to have been hearing voices. Finally Shepard finds the Prothean artifact by Dr. Cayce's dead body. When she touches it there is a burst of some kind and it shrinks small and lands like a bowling ball. They bring it back to the ship, mission completed.

* * *

"Anything special happen today?" Shepard asks, taking a bite of her dinner.

Joker and Dr. Chakwas sit across from her and Garrus is sitting next to her in the mess.

"Well, Mordin and I had a discussion on why it would not be good to use the crew as guinea pigs to test out his theory about pheromones and how they effect the sex drive." Dr. Chakwas says.

"What was he planning to do with the pheromones." Shepard asks.

"Well I am not sure if he was going to ask for volunteers or if he was just going to release some in the air and see what develops." Dr. Chakwas says.

"Doc, tell me he wouldn't do that please." Shepard says.

"Better yet tell me when he is going to do it, there are some fine looking women on this ship." Joker quips.

"Joker that is not funny!" Shepard tells him.

"Well just because you don't want any, maybe I do." Joker tells her.

"Yeah well if your over run by women it might kill you." Shepard says.

"Yeah, but what a way to go." Joker smiles.

"I am so lost in this conversation." Garrus says.

"The theory is that attraction is caused by pheromones, and if you release them in the air system it will make the person nearest you attractive and you will want to have sex with them. It's an old theory and no one has been able to prove it's effectiveness." Dr. Chakwas explains.

"Yet. But Mordin is a pretty smart scientist, I'll bet he can do it." Joker says getting excited.

"No Joker, just no." Shepard says. _As if my dreams aren't sexually charged enough._

"Awh, come on commander, you don't let me have any fun." Joker complains.

"It would not be fun. Doc tell me Mordin wouldn't do that please." Shepard says.

"Well I do think he would have asked for volunteers first, if that is any consolation." Dr. Chakwas tells her.

"Cool, I will go sign up." Joker says.

"Great, now I need to talk to Mordin." Shepard groans.

"No I think I have gotten it taken care of, I was able to supply new data for him to go through that proves that the pheromone theory can't be tested on the average human, as, according to this salarian report we are 'abnormally attracted to each other' without the addition to pheromones. There is no way to test if it works."

"Abnormally attracted, what did they mean by that?' Joker asks.

"Well according to the report, the test proved, on a human male that it didn't take much to arouse the male and that they would be aroused easily for no reason. Then when they tested a human female they found that although she might show interest in a subject she didn't get aroused easily and was very slow to react when she was really interested. They said they couldn't get a valid base test under those conditions. You need a valid base test to start from to gauge the test results on."

"That is so not true, it isn't that easy to turn a man on." Joker argues.

Both human females burst into laughter and Joker turns red. "Well it isn't, there needs to be something." Joker says.

"No there doesn't, inference is all that is needed." the doctor says and she leans over and whispers in Jokers ear and he gets a look of shock on his face.

"See, I rest my case." Dr. Chakwas says as Joker glows with embarrassment and Shepard laughs.

"What happened Joker?" Garrus asks.

"Nevermind Garrus, I think I am going to have to give Doc the win on this one." Joker says.

"So it is easy to turn a male human on. Hmm that would explain why the assari are so fond of them. It doesn't explain their preference for the human female though, although I think the fact that they have similar features may have something to do with that." Garrus says.

"Okay if you guys are finished embarrassing me I think it's time we changed the subject to anything but me." Joker says.

"Oh come on Joker, we weren't only picking on you, we were picking on all human males." Shepard says.

"Yeah, but I am the only one that is present." Joker says.

"That is not true there are human males all over this room." Shepard says.

"Yeah, but I noticed they aren't part of the conversation." Joker says.

"Okay, I will give you that one Joker, only since I don't want to expand our dinner group beyond those present right now." Shepard says looking a tad bit morose.

"Hey, come on Shepard, I didn't mean anything by it. I like the group just the way it is. Don't worry we will find more people we can trust soon. You'll see." Joker tells her taking her hand.

"I hope so Joker. Garrus can you come to my cabin after dinner, I think I need another scan for bugs, it's been a while." Shepard says squeezing Joker's hand gently before releasing it.

"Yes the med bay is due for one also Garrus." Dr. Chakwas adds.

"Sure I will take care of that this evening." Garrus tells them.

"Yeah I did the cockpit earlier and found ten more. Of course I have no idea what they need them for, since EDI is always right there." Joker says.

"Oh how are you and EDI getting along lately?" Shepard asks.

"She is always there! I can't get any privacy. Are you sure she doesn't have an off switch." Joker says.

"No, no off switch, nothing to make them more suspicious than they already are. Destroying the bugs they expect, disabling EDI, yeah not a good idea. We do want them to think that they have our full cooperation, until they don't. Everyone okay with that." Shepard asks and gets murmurs of affirmation.

"Well I want to finish writing up what happened today, so I will see you guys tomorrow. Garrus do you need to get your equipment?" Shepard says getting up.

"Yes I do. Shepard are you writing reports?" Garrus says.

"It's a habit, and besides, when we are clear of this I will have something to had over to the Council that will document my movements through this period with Cerberus. They won't believe it isn't doctored, but I don't care. They will either believe I am loyal or they won't. Either way I am going to get the Collectors."

"Yes Shepard, that you are." Dr. Chakwas agreed.

* * *

Garrus enters Shepard's cabin and sees her at the desk, she is staring at Kaidan's picture again but gets up as he enters.

"So finished your reports?" He asks.

"Yes I have, I still have the restriction locks on the cabin but I don't trust anyone but the four of us right now." Shepard tells him.

"Yes that is a good idea. We will do the same as last time okay?"

"Sure that is fine, scan away."

Garrus starts at the door and works his way around the room. Shepard stands at the top of the stairs and observes him.

"So are you still feeling okay?" he asks her as he does his scan.

"Yes I am feeling fine, no problems to report, no bouts of tears."

"I don't mean to intrude." Garrus tells her.

"Garrus, your a friend, that's what friends do. Look it's like this, I never had a real... relationship like I had with Kaidan before, so I have never had one end. I just don't know how I am supposed to feel about any of it, let alone being gone for two years and it felt like one day. It's a lot of things to have to handle and I was never that in touch with my feelings anyway. I can close them off, or I used to be able to. But the sadness is hard, I learned that when Ashley died. Which for me was only a few months ago remember. All this, on top of that, is throwing me off kilter."

"Well you know when you put it that way, it does kind of put it all in perspective. I really miss Ashley, but I have had a much longer time to come to grips with it then you have. It makes sense when you explain it that way."

"Yeah, I guess it does. So find anything?"

"Just one." he walks over to the emergency duct exit and opens it. He removes the bug from the duct and overloads it and then seals the duct again. "That should do it."

"How many did you find in med bay?" Shepard asked.

"Seventeen. Six with camera feeds and three with infrared."

"They just don't give up do they."

"No, they don't." Garrus tells her

"Well thanks for the scan, and the ear. I appreciate it."

"Shepard, you need only ask."

"Well we have to check out the geth weather stations tomorrow."

"Yes so you should try and get some sleep, you have been looking a little run down lately, I think I could take you." Garrus tells her.

Shepard laughs "well you could try, but sad or not, I think I will still be able to take you down."

"You know Shepard, maybe you still can. I am not willing to get my ass kicked to find out. See you tomorrow, good night."

"Good Night Garrus."

* * *

"Well that was a bloody waste of a good day." Shepard tells them as she sits down at the table. "No geth and just a bunch of data for them to study. A bit of resources, and we almost lost the hammerhead to freezing, not that I would lament the beast, but it's all we have."

"Yeah it was a bit close there, but I think the vehicle will be fine." Garrus tells her.

"Okay well one more mission, tomorrow and we should be finish with these Firewalker Project people." Shepard says.

"Yeah I bet you'll feel better when this is out of your way." Joker says.

"Well yeah, it isn't bringing us any closer to the Collectors. Mordin hasn't found a way to stop the swarms yet. I don't know it feels like we have stalled." Shepard says.

"Well you haven't finished building the team yet anyway, my dear." Dr. Chakwas says.

"Yes, I guess we will head for the krogan next, not in a rush to get the convict. You all read the dossiers I copied you on right?" She waited for their acknowledgments before going on. "Okay well I think that is the way to go unless something else comes up."

"The dossier says he may have had contact with the Collectors. I would be curious if he has any more information about their ship defenses." Joker says.

"Yeah it would be good to know what we can expect so we can find a way to counter act their attacks." Garrus says.

"Yeah, we wouldn't want to lose another Normandy to them." Dr. Chakwas tells them. Then says to Shepard "please finish all your dinner dear."

"I am not that hungry Doc." Shepard tells her.

"Shepard, you have a barrier now, it speeds up your metabolism, and the implants also take more for you system to run, you have to start eating more." The doctor explains.

"I am working on it, I just always stop eating when I am full." she takes another bite.

"Are you taking the vitamins I gave you?" Dr. Chakwas asks.

"Uh, I forget at times." Shepard says.

The doctor gets up and goes to med bay.

"Uh oh Shepard, you're in trouble now." Joker tells her.

She looks at Joker. "I am not, I just forget that's all"

"Yeah well I don't think Doc is too happy with you. Like I said last night Shepard I don't think that you are taking very good care of yourself. You need to, because we need you." Garrus tells her.

"Well I am just not used to eating so much. I'm trying. I just forgot to take the vitamins, okay for a few days. That doesn't mean... Ouch!" Shepard turns on the doctor who has just administered a shot into her arm.

"There, now please remember to take your vitamins from now on, or I can give you one of those a day if you prefer." Dr. Chakwas told her sweetly as she sat back down.

"Okay, okay and I am eating. Sheesh." Shepard says taking another bite as Joker laughs.

"Thank you gentleman for keeping her occupied." Dr. Chakwas says.

"Gawd Doc, what did you have to go and tell her for, now she is going to have to get back at us." Joker tells her.

"Hey, in my defense Shepard, I didn't know what she had planned." Garrus says.

"Well have you ever really known me as the get even type." Shepard tells them with a sweet smile on her face.

"Shit!" Joker says. "We're toast."

* * *

Shepard is sitting at her desk reading through the report she has just written under the watchful eyes of Kaidan's holo. She hears the door and looks over.

"Hi I just thought I would stop by and have a chat, since we know there are no bugs here." Dr. Chakwas says.

"Well they could have put that one back, but I think we have a few days reprieve. What do you want to talk about." Shepard says.

"Well you don't talk to Kelly" Shepard makes a face at her. "And you have been pretty much to yourself lately so I just want to touch base to see how you're healing, mentally as it were."

"Actually I think I have my good days, and my bad days, Doc."

"Well that is to be expected. How are you sleeping?"

"I have dreams. Some bad about the Reapers. They wake me up in the middle of the night in cold sweats. I don't like them."

"Well I wouldn't expect you too. Some of that might stem from the Beacon data. Some might stem from the Collector information that we have gathered."

"I am sure that is it."

"Any other dreams."

"Well..."

"Shepard, you can tell me, we are friends after all, even though I am your doctor. At least I would like to believe we are friends." Dr. Chakwas says.

"We are friends, yes. It is something I would have talked over with Ashley so I guess I can talk to you... as long as you don't go all psych on me that is."

"I wouldn't do that to you really Shepard."

"Okay I have been having a lot of dreams about... Kaidan."

"Well that is perfectly normal. Why does that bother you?"

"Because, if it's over, shouldn't I be moving on. I'll be honest Doc, I never broke up with anyone before, I don't know how it's done."

"You have never broke up with anyone before. You mean you have never been in a relationship before?"

"Yeah I know, nobody ever believes me, but look at my record. I am never really in any place very long. I get assigned, do something outstanding and then get moved again. That has been my career. Once the Blitz happen, well mostly people don't approach me much, until Kaidan and Ashley on the Normandy that is. I would talk to the others, but I didn't go out or hang out with them so they tended to stay away. I still don't even know why Ashley and Kaidan were different."

"Because they looked beyond the hero and saw the woman. Then they showed that woman to the rest of us. You were very good at keeping people at a distance but making them feel like they belonged. But Kaidan, he wanted more. Ashley wanted more. They snuck in under your defenses and showed you what real friendship is."

"Yes, pain and heartache." Shepard says.

"That and more, but would you, knowing that Ash was going to die, have not made friends with her?"

"No, I loved Ash. My memories of her are what make me happy."

"Then that is your answer. The friendship was worth it. Our friendship is worth it. Now with Kaidan, well that is a bit harder. You could say you wanted his friendship, but you wish it hadn't gone further."

"Yeah, but … well I still don't think I would have been able to stop myself from falling for him. I did try, but it... well...it was impossible. It was like he was a magnet that pulled me in."

"Yes, I know, I watched it happen and I watched you fight it. Shepard, love is a strange thing and we never know when it will find us. I don't know if it is really over for the two of you, and neither do you. Well obviously for you it isn't."

"No it is, honest I know he has moved on, I just don't understand what is supposed to happen now."

"What do you mean 'happen now'?"

"I mean how do I stop loving him. How do I make that go away?"

"Oh, sweetheart, it doesn't go away. Eventually it will change, but it never really goes away. In some people it changes to hate, and in some to indifference, and still in others fondness and memories. But in doesn't just go away."

"So what do you suggest I do?"

"Give it time, Shepard. Just give it time."

* * *

"EDI's scan's have found a geth presence on the planet, so it's gonna be a shoot fest. I really wish this thing had shields." Shepard says as they wait to be dropped from the Normandy.

"Well we could try to keep our distance and hit them, geth aren't know for their early tracking capabilities." Garrus says.

"Why don't you attack them like you do a thresher maw?" Jacob suggests.

"What do you mean?" Shepard turns to look at Jacob and definitely looks interested in what he has to say.

"Well like you said, you get into a position and you use the thrusters to move up and out of the way of any fire you might attract." Jacob says nervously. "It's like Garrus says, if you stay just in the zone, they won't come at you and they will shoot at where you have been so they will miss us and it won't matter that we don't have shields."

"You know Jacob, that just might work." She awards him one of her rare real smiles, then turns to Garrus. "What do you think?"

"Well I think that if we don't have cover, that might work. Unless we have a very long fire fight ahead of us, the geth won't adjust for our fighting style and the no shield thing won't matter. I think Jacob has something there." Garrus says.

"Well It is only because you told me about the thresher maws, otherwise I wouldn't have thought of it." Jacob says as Shepard turns to him again.

"Jacob it is an excellent idea, and I have fought the geth many times and never made the correlation. Be proud of your idea. It's a good one." she smiled at him again.

"Y-yes Commander, thank you." Jacob says. _I can't believe she finally smiled at me._

Shepard turns around as Joker says over the comm "Dropping you now, ready Garrus?"

"I got it Joker, let us go." Gurras answers.

"Hurry back, we will keep dinner warm for you." Joker quips.

Shepard laughs "Yeah, you do that, Joker." she says.

There are three geth troopers and Shepard takes them out as Garrus keeps the hammerhead moving avoiding all return fire. As the troopers are destroyed a geth drop ship appears and drops off a bunch of troopers and a colossus.

"Damn it, I missed the ship, it's too fast." Shepard says.

"Colossus with maybe three troopers." Garrus tells her.

"Well they are on the platform so we are going to have to jump and shoot for them." Shepard says.

They are all quiet as the geth are destroyed.

"Well that worked out okay, they didn't even get us once. Looks like your idea works Jacob. Now lets get that artifact." Shepard says.

"How many of these things are there?" Garrus asks.

"Got it, Jacob what does the scanner say?" Shepard says.

"That there are five artifacts we need to collect." Jacob tells her.

"Well there is a corner here, I am going to skirt around, see if you can find any troopers up ahead." Garrus tells her.''

Jacob watching with her says "I see two geth, they look like troopers."

"Yep, I see them, that's one... there is two." Shepard says.

"Hey that yellow stuff doesn't look like water." Jacob says working on a scanner. "It's not, it's acid of some type, really corrosive qualities, you have to stay out of that Garrus."

"Will do, it looks like there are some islands and other debris I can hop across on." Garrus says.

"Hop across, quick like a bunny." Shepard asks with a smirk on her face.

"Hey I have some very cool bunny moves... bunnies, those are the furry little things with long ears right?" Garrus asks.

Shepard laughs "you got it on the first try Garrus, yes those are bunnies."

"Wait, I am reading a platinum deposit here Commander, you what me to pick it up with the scanner." Jacob asks.

"Sure we can always use more resources." She tells him.

"Just be glad you're not in the mako, she would make you get out and survey it. I am glad they came up with probes and scanners that do the work for you." Garrus says.

"Yes, I like shooting off the probes, they shake the ship and make a nice loud barr-room." Shepard tells him.

"Yes, it does seem to have all the elements of something you would enjoy." Garrus says.

"Scans complete." Jacob tells them.

"Let's try to stay here but turn to face the artifact. I think I see a colossus and a destroyer over there." Shepard tells Garrus.

"Okay let me turn us around." Garrus answers.

"That's it, yes I can get them targeted from here. Okay, yes it's working, they aren't even firing. This is great. Okay there goes the colossus... there goes the destroyer, looks like two troopers. One... two, piece of cake. We should have no problem getting though this now." Shepard says.

"That's providing we don't land in the acid." Garrus says.

"Yes, that would be bad." Shepard tells him.

The rest of the collecting of the artifacts goes pretty quickly and they get some more platinum as well.

"Joker, come and pick us up." Shepard says over the comm.

"Well that was made a lot easier by you Jacob, thanks." Garrus tells him.

"Hey glad I could help. I had no way of knowing it would work though."

"Well that's the way to do it, try it and you never know, you might have something. And in this case, You did." Shepard advises him.

"Yeah well you could have laughed at me and not tried it Commander." Jacob says.

"Jacob, while I may not agree with something, I wouldn't laugh at it out of turn. Every idea deserves to be heard on it's merits alone. Some will work, some won't, but you just never know. That is what makes everyone worth listening to." Shepard told him.

It gave Jacob something to think about.


	39. Chapter 39

Bioware owns all! I try to think of what I can say to thank you all for sticking through this long and winding road. I try and think of what to say to make you keep coming back. I try and think of what I can do so you'll let me know that you like what you're reading. I can't come up with anything … anybody got any ideas? I'm open to suggestions.

Oh well …. This one is Kaidan.

* * *

**Pep Talks**

~Sixteen weeks after the destruction of the Normandy.~

"_If you didn't want me, you should have told me." Shepard yells at him. "You should let me go."_

"_I can't let you go. Of course I want you, why would you even say that?" Kaidan asks._

"_Because they are hurting me Kaidan, they are hurting your memory of me. Because obviously I am good enough for you to love but not good enough for you to stick up for."_

"_I can't Shepard, you know I can't. If I stick up for you in a public forum they will make me look like I am crazy too. With the implants they can have me put away. The Alliance is all I have left. I lost you, I can't lose them." _

"_Crazy too? So you believe that I am crazy?" _

"_No! I don't think you're crazy. I believe the Reapers are coming. I know they are. I can't face them alone, I can't face them without you, Shepard."_

"_I didn't leave you alone Kaidan, I left you with our family. Where are they?"_

"_I can't. I just can't Shepard. I look at them and the guilt is too strong. Every one of them reminds me of you. They make me feel like it's all my fault, like I should be gone and you should be here, and I feel they are right. It hurts so much, some days I can hardly hold it together."_

"_You're being foolish Kaidan. I'm gone and the Reapers are coming. It's their fault I am dead. Without our family you will have no luck defeating them. I need you to defeat them Kaidan. You have to defeat them and you won't even try."_

"_No Shepard that is not true, I try to push Anderson every day. I try to find intel and go through mountains of reports flagging everything that I can that might even hint at Reaper activity. I am trying Shepard, It is just slow going."_

"_Well you're just too slow Kaidan, time is running out. Turn around." Shepard tells him. "I will see you in a few minutes Kaidan, I've been waiting for you."_

_Kaidan turns around and is looking at Sovereign behind him and it shoots._

Kaidan sits up covered in sweat. He has been having dreams similar to that ever since Udina started his smear campaign on Shepard. He doesn't believe she would be upset that he is protecting himself, but he knows she would be disappointed that he didn't stick with the team. But she wasn't here and that still hurt. It had been four months and he still can't stand being without her. He wars within himself daily between bouts of guilt and depression.

He gets through his day like a robot almost. Pushing papers and compiling files for Anderson. Whatever they ask him to do, he does. Always trying to find something that will bring them closer to proof that the Reapers are coming. Something that will make her proud of him. At night he comes home to his empty apartment and thinks about Shepard and the plans he had made for them. None concrete of course, but he just assumed that they would be together. She always made him feel there was nowhere she would rather be then by his side. Or more accurately have him by her side.

He gets up and heads to the shower. Adjusting the temperature he gets in and starts soaping up his body. He smells the soap, her soap and closes his eyes and he is in another shower, at another time. The sun is streaming in the window through the bright yellow curtains.

_The water running down his back warm and relaxing. Shepard knocks on the door and enters. _

"_Such an old custom, knocking she says as she enters the room. I don't think we use it enough. Now days people just walk in."_

"_You weren't in bed when I woke again." He tells her _

"_Noticed that, did you, how astute. I don't sleep for very long periods, I seem to do better on short bouts of sleep when I am not busy, like on vacation, with you." She smiles._

"_Well it would be nice to wake up and have you by my side." He tells her. _

"_Well I will keep that in mind, but you sleep so much. I mean eight hours, Kaidan, who needs eight hours sleep?" _

"_Um, everyone else Shepard." He watches her as she is watching him soap himself. _

"_Well everyone else is lazy. So marine, you're taking a shower huh?" _

"_As you can see Ma'am." he says as he teases her and soaps himself lower but not quite as low as she would like._

"_Well it looks to me like you might be missing some spots, that is just poor washing skills I think you need some intense training. I can remedy that for you if you would like." She tells him slowly removing her clothing._

_The warmth starts to awaken in him "Well Ma'am if you're sure that you wouldn't mind, I am sure I could benefit from your expert tutelage" _

"_Well it looks like there is a lot more of you to wash now Lieutenant, I may have to do something about that. It seems to me that makes more work for me." She gives him a sly smile._

_She gets in the shower and he grabs her in his arms and rubs his soapy body all over her. She laughs and sends waves of joy through his body. _

"_So what do you think, you think I need more training Ma'am?" He asks her._

"_Well, I don't know, you do seem to make a pretty good washcloth. But I don't think you got all the areas clean. I think maybe you need more soap." _

_Kaidan takes the soap and soaps up her whole body from the tips of her fingers to the top of her neck. He is awarded little squeals and moans as he rubs the soap all over her body. When he is finished she grabs him and rubs him with her soapy body. His soaping her has made him really hot and her rubbing against him causes him to moan deeply. She reaches for him as she pushes him against the wall of the shower and rubbing her soapy hands on him as she kisses him deeply. He tries to explore her body with his hands but she is being relentlessly gentle with her ministrations and he is having trouble concentrating._

This is the memory that is going through his mind as Shepard in the past brings peaceful release to both Kaidans past and present.

* * *

Kaidan steps into the living room and notices a Priority Message flag on the vid phone. Initiating the message he sees an older female appear on the screen.

"Please state full name and rank for voice identification." she intones.

"Lieutenant Commander Kaidan Alenko." he answers.

"Voice print verified. Please enter service number and Clearance Password into terminal." she intones.

Kaidan enters the numbers and his password into the terminal. _If this transmission is so secret why is it coming to my residence instead of the Citadel?_

"One moment, please." She checks the readings. "Standby for switchover Commander." The screen blanked out but the connection is still active.

Kaidan puts his hand on the back of the chair that sits in front of the terminal and waits. There is some flickering and then a flash and finally a face. It was Shepard's father.

"Hello Son." He says.

Kaidan sinks slowly into the chair. "Uh sir, hello sir. I am sorry sir, I don't know your rank, and you're not in uniform."

"Son, in my business, rank doesn't matter and uniforms are a liability. I would have loved to have you call me dad, but I don't think you would be comfortable with that. Sir is so formal. You could call me Shepard, but I have a feeling it is too soon for you. So just call me RJ."

"I would have been honored to call you dad, RJ." Kaidan says in a rough voice.

"I know you would have son, I know you would have. Anyway I am checking up on you. Mama is worried about you and she is going to be writing to you, so expect it. I will hope that you can answer a mail now and then and you won't disappoint her?" RJ asks.

"No sir, I mean yes sir, I would be honored to receive a note from the Captain."

"Heard about her promotion did you? Good. Glad you're keeping your head in things. Now son I want you to know it takes time to get over things like you have been through. The ship was attacked, you lost friends and you lost a loved one. When we first met you Mama was touched by how much you loved Zin. Mama and me, we want to be there for you. Now I know you have your own family. But Zin, well she was all we had, and we miss her. Reading through her letters to her Ma reminded us how much you meant to her. If it is okay with you, we would like to keep in touch with you. Mama by mail, she doesn't like to abuse her power and enjoys writing instead. Well me I don't like writing so I prefer contact through direct communication. Is this okay with you son? You should know that Zin gets her temper from her mother, but the dangerous stuff, well that's all me."

Kiadan smiled at the harmless veiled threat. "Sir I would be honored if you and Captain Shepard kept in contact with me. I am afraid I never told my parents how close we were because I didn't have access to secure communication like you and Zin did. It would be nice to be able to share some of her history with you."

"Well we will do that. Well okay that will probably be what Mama will do, but I want to be able to check up on you and maybe give you pep talks and advice. If that's okay with you?"

"Yes sir, anything you want to talk about is fine with me." Kaidan tells him.

"Good, so son you're going to be going on a mission shortly, bring warm clothing and a holo of my daughter might be in order, as it's going to be a long trip."

"Sir?"

"RJ, Kaidan."

"RJ, how do you know this."

"Well, someday I may tell you, but not today. So how are you holding up, really son?"

Kaidan rubs his neck. He decides to be honest with this man. "There are times I can hardly bring myself to get out of bed. I hear things and think I have to tell Shepard that. I relive the moment I left her. I think and dream about her constantly. The rest of my day just goes by rote."

"Well son, it will get better. It may take a while, but it will get better. Now if you have to contact me, you need to use this code that I am sending to your terminal now. You must have a secure terminal connection to talk to me and it must be able to confirm to TS level seven okay?"

_Level seven that is the highest I have access to. _"Level seven, right sir."

"Yeah, that's the best we can do until I get your clearance raised. Stupid Admirals have their heads up their ass sometimes. Which reminds me son, have you been having any trouble with people questioning your loyalty? Maybe even your sanity?" RJ asks him.

Thinking of Udina Kaidan answers "actually sir, the Ambassador made me have a psych eval before the Councilor could add me to his office."

"Yes, that sounds about right. You know they are smearing my baby's name and then plastering her image all over the place. Even I am not high enough to stop it. I am copied on all her reports Kaidan, and all yours too. I know that you're trying to find the Reaper threat, and I know you're doing a lot covertly. Think of this trip you're going on as a gift."

"Yes, sir."

"RJ"

"Yes RJ."

"But son, I want you to know something, and this is just between you and me."

"What is it sir, I mean RJ."

"You'll get there son. I don't trust were this information you are following up on came from. It is right out of the trash so to speak. I am going to only tell you this once, but it is valid for the rest of my life. If you find yourself in a situation that you think will fuck up your career, I want you to contact me before you file your report or act. Will you do that for me?" RJ asks.

"But sir that is a serious breech of protocol." Kaidan tells him.

"Kaidan, you stole an Alliance Warship with my daughter to fight for what she believed in. I am telling you that I am doing this for her. You will see the information I am giving you is good then you can take it for granted that my position is over yours agreed."

"Well, yes I guess..."

"My daughter would want you protected and that is what I am going to do. Now maybe you never need that protection. Fine you just call me to say hi, and I will do likewise. But if you need protection, if someone is putting you out to dry; if something doesn't seem right; if someone is trying to make out that you're losing your mind; That is when you call me. I will take care of that problem. In fact if there is anything you want that you can't seem to arrange, you contact me. If you never need my protection that is fine, just know that it is there."

"I don't think I understand sir, uh RJ." Kaidan tells him.

"Well son, when you need me, you will."

* * *

Kaidan is sitting at his desk looking through daily reports. _Okay if I can't talk to the team because talking to them hurts too much, how come I can talk to Shepard's father with no problem. Could it be that I didn't know him before? __Funny, I feel calmer after talking to RJ. But we didn't really talk about anything. We didn't talk about Shepard. Maybe I should just be happy about the calm._ Switching to the next report, his comm beeps.

"Alenko I want to see you." Councilor Anderson's voice booms out.

"Right away, sir." Kaidan answers and walks over to the adjoining door and enters the Councilor's office.

"Commander I am sending you on a mission. I what you to go to the planet Evenki. There is some intel that says in is a hot bed of some geth activity. Problem is it is a human colony. I need you to check it out." Anderson tells him.

"Of course Councilor, anything you need." Kaidan tells him realizing this confirms this morning's discussions.

"It's very close to the Terminus systems, and we have never had reports of any geth activity there. To be sure, Eden Prime was closer to the Perseus Veil then Evenki is, but then we never expected the geth to attack them either so. There isn't much of an Alliance presence on the planet, this is one of the colonies that think that they don't need the Alliance, until they do. Anyway there is a lieutenant stationed there and that is about it. Agatha Slaven is her name, and she will be notified of your arrival. You're going to have to take several ships to get there, so it will be a bit of a trip, but give you time to yourself. We could all use some time to ourselves right."

"Yes sir." _The last thing that I need it time to myself._

"Well go and get packed your travel documents are downstairs in the main clerk office, you're going as the Council's representative, since they are the one's investigating this incident. You will be on council ships, I don't think that will be a problem for you."

"No, sir. But shouldn't they send a Spectre sir?"

"None available with your experience with the geth, Alenko. You will know what to look for where others might miss it."

"Okay sir, I understand."

"Well, go. I look forward to your report. Take all the time you need, but get me answers Commander."

"Yes sir."

Kaidan left the Councilor to his work.

* * *

The salarian vessel was the third ship he had been on so far. He has been traveling for almost four weeks, counting the two week stopover at the asari space station with the name he couldn't remember. At least on this vessel he had his own room. It was a small room to be sure but it awarded him some privacy. The last ship was turian but they put him near a krogan that snored really loud. Kiadan lay in bed staring at the ceiling of the cabin. The emergency lighting was on so there was a soft glow in the room.

He had been going over his last days on the Normandy, again. The night a few days before he had snuck into her cabin and spent it with her. It was fun and wonderful. He remembered her trying to get him to leave, but he wanted to do anything but. That was their last night together. He was able to steal a few kisses after that. He was actually planning to sneak into her cabin again the night they were attacked. He had put his clothes and some things he might need in a small sack and was able to sneak it in her cabin when she was in CIC so it would be a surprise. Some surprise. He never even got to tell her. There were a lot of things he never told her.

He grabs his omni tool off the table and slides it on. He switches on the viewer and changes to the OSD, a copy of which he has secured in several places and the original is at the Citadel Command building locked in his personal locker. He didn't want to take a chance of losing any of the information on that OSD, since it was they one handed to him by Hannah Shepard. He did finally receive a letter from her while he was on the asari base. It included several more holos. He sent them off to his personal terminal so he could retrieve them when he got back, but not before he added copies of them to his collection.

She had asked him how he was doing. Hoped he was taking care of himself. She gave him some advice for his career. She closed with a family story. She said RJ told her that he wanted to know some family history.

They were on earth. Zin was twelve years old and her parents had taken shore leave. Zin had been to earth before but only to be with her grandmother at the cabin. So she knew how to swim and how to fish and she could even cook a bit by that point. They had taken her to one of the National Forests. Beaverhead-Deerlodge was what it was called. Her father wanted to bike around the forest like he had when he was a kid. The problem was that Zin had never been on a bike before. He was willing to get a tandem bike, but Zin wouldn't hear of it. She was determined to be able to ride her own bike and of course they couldn't talk her out of it. Kaidan had smiled as he pictured the younger Zin arguing with her parents about the bike.

Her father got a bike and put her on it. He ran along side with her as she peddled, holding onto the seat. Hannah said Zin kept insisting that he let go but she wasn't steady so he wouldn't. Then Zin reached behind her and pulled his hand off and then she went head over heels as the front wheel of the bike made a 90 degree turn because she had removed her hand. She scraped her chin and was awarded a nice big cut on the back of her arm (and Kiadan remembered that scar). Zin got right back up, blood dripping from her chin and got back on the bike. According to her mother she was angry and when her father tried to help her again she said "No Papa I am going to do this myself." It took her three tries before she could go any distance. Then five more tries and she was finally able to ride around the area with no problem. Her mom said it had taken Zin three hours, and several tabs of med gel, but she was able to master the bike. Just a little view of how stubborn her daughter was she told him. She sent a holo of the three of them on bikes with Zin in the middle. It was a younger version of Zin, her red hair was longer then she kept it when she was older, but still short. She had a big smile on her face and a scab on her chin. Her blue eyes stared out at him and they were her blue eyes. Her parents hadn't changed as much as she had of course. It was a holo of a happy family. It was a holo of what he had wanted for him and Shepard some day.

He cycles through the holos on the tool looking for the one he wants. It was her, in standard N7 armor, and you could tell that the armor was brand new. No dents or dings, no repairs. You could see the weapons on her back and the pistol on her hip. She had her hand raised at whoever was taking the holo, waving them off. He could see she had been laughing but her mouth was open a bit. She was obviously trying to tell the person who was talking the holo not to, or to wait, but it was the perfect holo of her for him. He had seen that look on her face in person, and he loves it.

He cycles through the other holos slowly. There is one where someone had thrown water at her or splashed her and took the holo just as the water was hitting her. Her eyes are closed in the holo but you could see the drops of water suspended around her and the sheet of water hitting her face and her open mouth as she laughs. There is her official N7 holo, from when she had finished the training. There is a holo of her eating some form of meat that was on a bone and covered with a red sauce and there is sauce all over her face and her nose. She is a bit younger in that holo.

He gets up and pulls out a data pad. He really should answer the Captain's letter, he had told RJ that he would. She had signed it Hannah and told him to call her that. He feels funny doing it, but in a letter he guesses it will be alright. He doesn't want to receive a vid call just because he called her Captain instead of Hannah. He writes telling her a bit about himself and what he has been doing. Nothing classified of course, all in general. He tells her how much the letter and the encouragement means to him. He writes that he appreciates the story she told him about the bike and he would be grateful for more like that. He advises her that he didn't think he would want to talk to anyone about her, but realizes it is different with them. They know the Shepard that he knew, the one behind the uniform. The one he loved.

The one he desperately wanted back.


	40. Chapter 40

Bioware owns all!

Thank you to my regular support group Shenzi, Star & Sesheta, without whom I would never be getting this far, as my muse likes to go off track.

This is present day, but fair warning...we may have to take a few trips into the past for a while as there are some stories that need to be shared. I hope you will stick with me for the trip. I mean, you made it this far didn't you… and we are still not even near finished. I have told you about my muse right… well there you go…

* * *

**Making Friends**

~Present Day~

"Commander you have to do something about it!" Joker says.

"Joker I told you, you have to work out your problems with EDI yourself. The rest of us have no trouble with her, only you do. You need to work it out." Shepard tells him as she takes another bite of her food.

"I try to talk to her, but she doesn't listen. She is always hijacking my extranet bookmarks. She is forever adjusting the temperature controls of my chair. Yesterday she stopped the elevator when I was on the way to the bathroom. She kept me in there for ten minutes trying to get me to talk with her about some vid. She is always talking to me." Joker rolls his eyes.

"Joker, what are you doing to her?" Shepard asks.

"Nothing, I am doing nothing to her. I try not to even talk to her. Now we do nothing but argue." Joker tells her.

"Maybe that is the problem, maybe if you try to be friends with her she will stop trying to get your attention by fiddling with things that are within her control like the extranet bookmarks." Dr. Chakwas tells him.

"That will never work! What do I have to talk about to an AI?" Joker asks.

"Well I am thinking that if she wanted to talk about a vid with you, maybe you should start there. Might cause less stress on you if you do." Garrus told him.

"Yeah, then you would have someone to talk about it with. It's always nice to have someone to talk about your interests with. That's why we all have dinner together too, to share our interests." Dr. Chakwas says.

"_Somebody_ yeah, but EDI is not a somebody she is just an AI. What if she goes crazy and takes me with her?" Joker wants to know.

"Well then I guess I would have to come rescue you." Shepard tells him.

"Shepard this isn't funny. I mean I am with her all the time. She goes on about music and pictures, and other stuff. I don't think I understand her. There is no reason for her to be up there all the time. Sometimes If I ignore her enough she leaves but she only comes back after a little while anyway." Joker says.

"Well it sounds like EDI is trying to be your friend Joker, Maybe you should give her a chance. I mean she has other areas in the ship where she can appear, but she chooses to stay up at yours." Dr Chakwas says.

"Okay that's just creepy. The crazy AI wants to be my friend. Do the words destruction and death mean anything to you people? Don't you guys remember the geth?" Joker says.

"I remember the geth very well thank you!" Shepard says sharply.

"Yeah, I remember them too." Garrus says, but he is looking at Shepard, she has taken to snapping at things for no reason recently. _I bet this has something to do with her feelings again. Well I am not going to bring it up here. Maybe I will go up later and offer to do a bug sweep. Maybe I can get her to talk to me. _

"Well there then, you know what I am talking about. We don't need a crazy AI trying to get in my head and being all friendly and then trying to kill me." Joker tells them.

"What makes you think EDI is going to kill you Joker, did something happen that I should concern myself with?" Shepard says.

"She hijacks my extranet sites! That is my favorite thing and she messes it up all the time." Joker says.

"I don't see where that leads to death and destruction." Garrus tells him. "I have seen death and destruction and that's not it."

"It is for me." Joker says.

"Well you try talking to EDI like I told you to last time. Maybe she will surprise you." Shepard says.

* * *

Garrus enters Shepard's apartment. She looks over from the desk to see who it is. She is in front of her terminal but it isn't on. He is pretty sure what she has been doing as he sees the holo sitting there.

"Hi Garrus, what can I do for you?" Shepard asks.

"Well I figured I could do another bug sweep for you." Garrus tells her.

"Okay sure, go ahead." She says and she stands up but not before taking a last look at the holo.

Garrus looks away so she doesn't realize he has seen her looking at it.

"So how are you doing?" Garrus asks.

"I am okay Garrus, nothing major."

"How about minor?"

"What do you mean?" Shepard asks.

"Well to be honest, you have been a little short occasionally with people lately."

"I don't mean to be, I didn't notice. Are you sure?"

"Before when Joker made the comment about the geth, you kind of snapped at him."

He sees her think about it. "You're right, I did."

"Okay, any thought as to why."

"You don't have to analyze me Garrus, I will be more careful in the future."

"I am not trying to analyze you Shepard, I am trying to be your friend."

She runs her hand over her head. "Yes, I know, I'm sorry. I think I just pictured fighting the geth and the trouble we had. Then I thought of Ashley, and the choices I had to make back then and it made me angry. I didn't mean to snap at Joker, it wasn't him I was angry at."

"Yes I gathered that. Now I am not saying you can't snap at people now and then, it just isn't like you." Garrus tells her.

"I am just tired Garrus, I am sure that is all it is."

"Well you need to get more sleep than Shepard."

"Yeah, well I am kind of having trouble with that."

"Why?"

"I keep having dreams. Some a bit upsetting that is all. Beacon data, death and destruction among other things. They just keep coming."

"You should talk to Doc."

"I have talked to Doc about it. Maybe I should again, maybe she can give me something to sleep."

"It wouldn't hurt to try." Garrus says.

He bends down and opens the emergency exit duct and removes the one bug there that has obviously been placed there again.

"They really are persistent." Garrus says.

"Yes that they are." Shepard sighs.

"You know I think I can place a jammer on the emergency exit so they won't pick up anything."

"If you could Garrus, that would be a load off my mind, since they seem to replace them pretty quickly." Shepard says.

"It will give you privacy if nothing else."

"Not really, EDI monitors my vitals. Sometimes when I wake up if my heart is racing too much, she will check on me."

"But she isn't monitoring anything but your vitals right?"

"That is what she says and I have no reason not to believe her."

"And if they changed the rules."

"Then I am being watched always."

"EDI?" Garrus calls out.

"Yes Garrus." EDI answers.

"Are you monitoring Shepard or her cabin?" Garrus asks.

"At this time all monitoring devices on Commander Shepard's cabin have been disabled at her request. I am monitoring her vitals as required by Cerberus Command to keep track of her well being." EDI tells him.

"If the Illusive Man asks you to monitor the cabin you have to do it. I understand you have to do it. He may tell you not to tell Shepard. Can you tell her that you can't tell her if you are monitoring her room?" Garrus asks.

"Yes Garrus." EDI says.

"EDI if the Illusive Man asks you to monitor Shepard's cabin can you contact me right away and tell me that you cannot tell me that you are monitoring her cabin?" Garrus asks.

"If the Illusive Man asks me to monitor the cabin and tells me not to tell anyone I am monitoring her cabin I will be able to contact you and tell you that I cannot tell you if I am monitoring the cabin." EDI says.

"EDI, you realize by doing that you will be telling Garrus that my cabin is being monitored." Shepard asks, and Garrus looks at her wide eyed.

"Yes, Shepard I am aware, but if the Illusive Man doesn't ask me not to tell you or Garrus that I am not allowed to tell you if I am monitoring the cabin, then I can tell you. Only under those parameters of course." EDI Tells her.

Shepard looks at Garrus who looks shocked.

"EDI doesn't lie Garrus, you are thinking of her as a person. She will lie only if she is told to so and then only because she does not have free will. She is chained so to speak by Cerberus." Shepard told him.

"How do you know so much about EDI when you know nothing about tech?" Garrus asks.

"You and Kaidan just assumed I knew nothing about tech. I let you assume that. When I talked to EDI about the ship and Cerberus she told me she has blocks. That there is information she has access to but can't give me due to the blocks. When I ask her, she cannot access the information. But she tells me that she can't, she hasn't got deception unless they program it into her. But she is an AI and she is learning and she trusts us. Right EDI?" Shepard asks.

"Yes Shepard." EDI responds.

"Okay so EDI, I want you to contact me and tell me when you are not able to tell me that Shepard's quarters are being monitored." Garrus tells her.

"Yes Garrus." EDI tells him.

"Thank you EDI that will be all." Shepard says.

"Logging you out Shepard." EDI replies and she disappears.

"So how much do you know about tech." Garrus asks her.

"Garrus, I grew up on ships, I know enough. Besides if pretended I didn't know how to program my omni tool or decode something it meant Kaidan had to help me. It was an excuse to get him to spend more time with me."

"Oh, I get it now."

"Yes, pathetic right?"

"No, it just makes sense. You would come out with things sometimes and he would look at me with the 'how did she know that' look. Yeah now it makes sense."

"Hey I don't know that much, but I do pay attention. Like when I tell Joker I can fly the ship. I wouldn't be as good as he is, but I do know the basics. I liked to go around and hang out with the crew in the cockpit when I was young. They would teach me things. I didn't know then that I was going to be a Commander, so I would learn a bit of everything. I probably couldn't do much in engineering, but I do know what a coupling is and things like that. If was fun, when Kaidan used to echo my omni tool to see what I was doing and he didn't think I knew. Depended on my mood I could do things like look up a recipe or an item and he would make himself crazy trying to find out why I looked it up without letting me know he was spying on me. It was fun."

"A recipe?"

"Oh yeah, I can cook too. Not expertly, but enough to make it interesting and of course I can follow a recipe, which if you remember came in handy on Noveria. He was surprised at that too."

"Shepard you are a woman of many talents, I am just glad one of them is Kicking Ass." Garrus says.

"Yes, I do seem to be good at that. Maybe someday I won't have to anymore." Shepard says wistfully.

"We can only hope."

* * *

Shepard is sitting at her desk avoiding looking at Kaidan's holo that is sitting there open in front of her._ Maybe if I practice not looking at him the dreams will stop. That one last night, wow. Well at least I know everything still works, that is if I ever want to use it again. Yeah, without him... I don't know. This is just taking me down a spiraling hole of sadness. I never even told him I loved him. Well I didn't tell myself either. I have got to stop this. I remember Ilos, the two weeks in the cabin. The night he snuck into my cabin and wouldn't leave. _She smiles. _Yes, they are all good memories, but will they last a lifetime._

_The cabin, I should contact my lawyer about it... see if he can talk to Kaidan and maybe get him to sell it back to me. I love that place and I really want it back. Mom says that the money I left them has grown to astronomic proportions and since it was mine to begin with, I should have it all back. Since her and dad were not ready to retire, she said I could support them in their old age. I could afford whatever he might ask for it. If he would part with it that is. Well, maybe when this is all over. If I don't die...again._

Shepard gets up and leaves her cabin. She enters the elevator and hits the crew deck indicator. The elevator is much faster then the one on the original Normandy. _Not even time for a decent make out session. Okay this was doing nothing to get my mind out of the gutter. _The elevator opens and she turns towards the med bay.

Dr. Chakwas is sitting at her desk looking at something on her terminal. She turned towards Shepard then turns back and turns the terminal off. She points to the chair next to her and indicates that Shepard should sit.

"You wanted to talk to me Commander?" she asks.

"Garrus told you did he?" Shepard asks

"Dreaming too much are we. Same things?"

"For the most part yes. I mean some of the stuff is really scary... the other stuff, well, lets just say you wouldn't want the kids to see it."

"Well I could give you something mild to help you sleep, but I don't think it would stop the dreams. If I give you anything stronger you wouldn't dream, but you would need to sleep it off before you got any sleep and then the dreams would probably come anyway. Did you want to talk to Kelly?"

"No I do not want her in my head, she has some serious sexual issues I think. I mean, well maybe not, but it makes me uncomfortable." Shepard says.

"Yes, she does seem to be a little more advent... I mean experimental then most."

"Thanks Doc, but its okay. It's only a word after all. Like you said, time will help."

"You know, you could try meditation. I mean it might relax you enough so you rest your body and mind without sleeping."

"Yeah, I don't know... I find it really hard to turn my mind off and when I close my eyes, well..."

"Your thoughts betray you." Dr. Chakwas says.

"Yeah, they seem to have a one track mind."

"It still hasn't been that long for you Shepard."

"Yes, I know. Well I guess I will see you at dinner then."

"Yes but try and get some sleep anyway, maybe naps will help."

"Great extra time to dream."

"Hey wait, I think I have an idea."

Dr. Chakwas turns back to her terminal Shepard watches her tapping away. She puts in an OSD and then taps some keys. She pulls out the OSD and hands it to Shepard.

"Put this in you music terminal and turn it on when you go to sleep." Dr. Chakwas says.

"What does it do?"

"Well you said you like the sound of the ocean right."

"Yes, I love it actually, is that what this is."

"Yes in part, it also has some beta wave enhancements for deep restful sleep. It might not stop all the dreams, but at least you will get some rest as well."

"Okay I will try it. What kind of ocean sounds, you know daytime with birds and all?" Shepard asks.

"Nope, night time, just surf, recorded on some beach on earth. I think you will enjoy it."

"All right, I will try it tonight. See you at dinner. Thank you Doc."

"Your welcome Shepard, see you there."

* * *

Shepard walked into the cockpit to:

"You did it again! Look at this … fuzzy bunnies, EDI this has got to stop." Joker yells.

"But Jeff, fuzzy bunnies are cute and cuddly." EDI says.

"I don't like fuzzy bunnies! Stop calling me Jeff!" Joker yells.

"Hey Joker tone it down, fuzzy bunnies; not the end of the world." Shepard says.

"I told you, see look at this! Who wants to look at this when I though I was going to see a hot fem…. I mean circuit boards!" Joker still a bit loud tells her.

"Did you talk to EDI like I asked you to?" Shepard asks.

"I talk to her." Joker says.

"EDI did Joker talk to you about not changing his extranet bookmarks." Shepard asks.

"No Shepard, he just told me he doesn't like fuzzy bunnies." EDI says.

"I told you not to change them EDI." Joker says.

"But you didn't talk to me about it Jeff." EDI tells him.

"Stop calling me Jeff!" Joker says.

"But Jeff is your name." EDI says.

"I don't use the name Jeff!" Joker says.

"Okay Mr. Moreau." EDI says.

"ARGH!" Joker says.

"I don't think you actually talked to EDI like I asked you to Joker." Shepard says.

"You can't tell me you don't hear what she is doing!" Joker says.

"I hear that she is trying to talk to you, maybe if you tell her what you do like you both can come to a happy medium between hot … circuit boards and fuzzy bunnies. Something you can share with her." Shepard says trying not to giggle.

"That seems reasonable we could come to a compromise." EDI says.

"Why do I have to compromise? You don't have to look at my extranet sites." Joker says.

"But I am here with you, it goes to follow that we should look at things that would be mutually beneficial to both of us. How about cuddly kittens?" EDI asks.

"No! No cuddly kittens. Help me out here Shepard, tell her I need my space!" Joker says.

"Joker, why don't you do as I asked and talk to EDI and find out what you have in common? I am sure you can come up with some vids that will suit you both. Start there or maybe choose some music. Try – and I mean really try to talk to EDI and I am sure you will come up with something you will both find interesting." Shepard tells him.

"Why does she have to stay here all the time?" Joker asks.

"This is my station Mr. Moreau." EDI says.

"Stop wining and do as I asked and I will see you at dinner." Shepard says.

"You know Commander, this is cruel and unusual punishment." Joker says.

"You keep it up and I will get EDI to turn off your extranet access completely." Shepard tells him.

"That is just dirty pool Shepard!" Joker says.

"Cooperation; now Joker!" Shepard snaps.

"Okay, okay don't get your panties in a shit." Joker says.

"I will see you at dinner Joker." Shepard says.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Joker says to her retreating back.

* * *

"What is it with these mechs?" Shepard says as she climbs out of the shuttle and back onto the deck of the Normandy.

"They do seem to have an affinity for you Shepard." Garrus tells her.

"Not that I am complaining or anything, but couldn't you develop a less invasive object to have an obsessive crush on you?" Jacob asks her. _The battle has really brought a nice rosy color to her cheeks, makes her look more alive._

"Hey listen, this is not my fault. I don't know why they want to come after me. I doubt that they are after my body. Oh wait, with all the tech they put in me, maybe they are. Just what I need a mech boyfriend." Shepard says as they get into the elevator.

"Yes well with the data we collected maybe we can find out where your boyfriends are coming from and why they are so intent on killing us." Garrus says.

"Though I really don't think it's just us." Jacob says.

"No we just have the luck to go wondering into their crash site, a crash it looks like they caused." Shepard says.

"Well we will have to check out the data and see where to go next, maybe the station they were at last. Hopefully we'll get there in a day or two at the most and check out what is going on there. There was something familiar about the way these mechs were acting." Garrus says.

"It does seem that they all were following a similar program. It was kind of like the one we shut down on Luna. Remember that Garrus?" Shepard says as they walk into the armory.

'Yeah when the VI started to go out of control and started shooting everyone. The Alliance made us go there and shut it down. What do you think we will find at the station?" Garrus says.

"I'm betting on more out of control mechs." Jacob says as he takes Shepards guns from her and puts them away.

"With the way our luck has been mech wise, I am sure there will be lots of out of control mechs. Thank you Jacob." Shepard tells him.

"You're welcome Commander." Jacob tells her.

"So Garrus I will see you in the mess, it's almost time for dinner." Shepard says.

"I think I have enough time to stop up in your cabin, I have something to give you." Garrus says.

"Sure, give me twenty minutes to get my armor off and take a quick shower." Shepard says.

"Certainly, since I have to do the same thing. Do you humans take more time in the shower with all that hair on your head?" Garrus asks her as they walk out of the armory together.

Watching her leave Jacob listens to Shepard's light snicker as the door closes and he wonders what she looks like while she is in the shower.

* * *

Garrus walks into Shepards cabin and sees her down by her closet putting her armor away. Her short hair is still damp and he can smell the slightly sweet smell that she smells like after a shower. She looks more relaxed than she did the day before.

"Shepard I have the jammer here." Garrus says.

"Thank you Garrus, you can just do what you need to. I will stay out of your way."

"You're not in the way. You look more relaxed today, did you sleep well last night?"

"Actually I did, listen to this." Shepard says.

She walks over and touches the music terminal next to her bed. The sounds of water and waves fill the cabin. She turns to Garrus with a smile on her face.

"What is that, it sounds like water crashing against something." Garrus says as he leans down to the emergency exit.

"It's the sound of one of the oceans on earth, possibly a beach or maybe rocks, but it is very relaxing to me. It really helped me sleep last night. I did have a dream, but it was a pleasant one with my parents. It was a good nights sleep."

"I can see how you would find it soothing, it is really a pleasant sound. Where did you get it?"

Shepard switches off the ocean sounds. "From Doc, she thought it would relax me and it really does."

"Well I am glad it helps. I placed the jammer so that you should be okay and I will still come up and scan now and then for surveillance bugs so we can keep removing them and they won't know that they are being jammed."

"Certainly Garrus, you know you're always welcome here." Shepard tells him.

"Well thank you Shepard, I will not abuse the privilege."

"I never thought you would. You are a good friend Garrus, thank you. I have a question for you." She indicates he should sit down on the couch.

"Sure, go ahead and ask." Garrus tells her sitting down.

"When I came to you on Omega, you never questioned that I was alive. Then when Dr. Chakwas showed you the files on the Lazarus Project, and yes I know she did, you never questioned me about it."

"What would I have asked you?"

"Well let's face it, it is really unbelievable stuff. You never questioned that I was alive after being dead. You joined me after you were gravely injured without thinking twice. Why Garrus?"

"Why did I join you before I knew about what happened to you? Well Shepard, the world was always a lot more exciting with you in it. But seriously, I missed you when you were gone. I missed Doc and Joker too. The chance of being with you and them, after what happened with my team… yes I jumped at it. I won't say I didn't question what you were doing with Cerberus at first. But you had your Alliance armor on and that told you were still showing me your true colors. You were Alliance still no matter what appearances were."

"Well I don't know if I am Alliance still, but I am certainly not Cerberus. The Alliance isn't helping stop these attacks on the colonies. To be honest I understand that the colonies are branching out from local space, but in the end, they are still human. I don't understand how the Alliance can turn their back on them. I don't like Cerberus, and I certainly remember all the things that they did and how awful they are. But whole colonies, I don't care, if Cerberus can help us stop it then I am going to use them. And truthfully I would do it if they were turian or asari colonies or anything else. Whole colonies… it has got to stop!"

"Yes it does. To go back to your question. When Doc showed me the files on your death, I was surprised. But by then we had gone on some missions and I knew you were you. I will admit the tears had me thrown a bit for a while, but then once you told me some more of the history it made sense."

"Yes, who knew it would take death to make me an emotional basket case. Oh well I guess it happens to us all in time. I seem to be doing a bit better about not busting out in tears at every little thing. I guess I never knew how painful relationships could be. But in my defense, I had never intended to have one either... so." Shepard shrugged.

"You never planned to have a relationship Shepard, didn't you like plan a happily ever after when you were a child? I thought most girls did that."

"No I never did really... it's funny I like reading books about love... I guess – I mean one of me favorite books is about lost love and betrayal. You know it's funny when I think about it. It kind of makes sense my crying. I read this book where a man is framed and sent to prison. He looses the love of his life to a rival because she thinks he is dead. The rival is one of the people that set him up to go to prison, and in this prison there is no parole system, so he could never hope to get out. So thinking he is dead his love marries someone else..."

Garrus watches Shepard and realizes that she is starting to head for a dark place in her mind so he grabs her hand. It feels soft in his. He is glad he has on his gloves so his talons don't scratch her. At the same time, he wishes they were off so he could see what she feels like. _Funny, I never wondered what she felt like before. Humans are so soft, no armor at all to speak of. I wonder if it feels as good as it smells._

"Hey Shepard, it's just a story. Someone's idea of what lives should be. I know you are thinking that is what happened to you, but it isn't. Shepard you were dead. Things changed. I wish they didn't, but they did."

"Oh I know that Garrus, I was just thinking I should read the book again, that's all." Shepard tells him.

Garrus can see in her eyes that wasn't at all what she was thinking, but she is not crying, so it is probably alright. _Let me make sure... What was she saying, 'thinking he was dead, his love marries someone else.' Okay it's Alenko again, it has to be. Married, isn't that the custom where they stay together legally bound. I think it is. Okay so then she is thinking He got married to someone else. Okay I get it now._

"I don't know Shepard, a story of unrequited love might not be the thing for you right now."

"Oh but Garrus, the revenge is so sweet. Oh but in the end, he does find happiness in the arms of another... Your right Garrus, not a good idea to read that right now. Maybe I will go for one of the nonsensical comedies. Nothing with love in it."

"Yes Shepard, I think that would be a good Idea. Something to make you laugh." Garrus pats her hand he is holding gently with his other hand before reluctantly releasing her hand.

"Yes I think there are several things that were written that would fit the bill. Hey we better get going, or we are going to be late for dinner." Shepard says.

"Yes you're right, let's go."


	41. Chapter 41

Bioware owns the all the characters in the Mass Effect Universe in and including the universe itself... now if I could only get a lifetime pass...

Many thanks to my support team of Shenzi and Sesheta without whom I would never continue.

* * *

My biggest thanks of all goes to Star who is editing and trying to keep me in the same language and on the same planet at the same time... yeah it's an impossible undertaking.. She is a Great Lady!

* * *

**Frost and Dragons**

~Twenty Two Weeks After The Attack On The Normandy~

Kaidan stepped off the shuttle to a blast of cold air. Shoving his duffel bag over his shoulder he adjusted the temperature in his armor using his omni tool. _Six weeks, it took almost six weeks to get to this stupid planet._ _I swear the council picked the slowest vessels they could find. Not one large fast ship. Between the two week stay on the asari base and the sixteen days on the damn elcor ship I thought I would lose my mind. Six weeks and not one human ship. I'll bet the Turian Councilor had something to do with the trip preparations. He hated Shepard. Well at least I had her with me for my trip. I am glad RJ told me to bring the holos. I hope Hannah sends more soon._ He looked around, hoping to see someone who could give him directions but the place was empty. _Considering I am three and a half weeks late I am not surprised._

Kaidan walked towards the nearest building. Wind whipped against him and he leaned into it. _It's a good thing I put on my helmet, I wouldn't be able to see a thing if I hadn't. I know this place isn't as cold as Noveria was but wow, it's cold. You know what would be good right now, some of Zin's Red Meat Stew. _His mouth began watering at the memory. The last time he'd had it they had just come in from a walk and the stew had been cooking all day. The room's smell as they had entered had been heavenly. Zin had turned the air conditioning up super high because she said it was best on a cold night. Neither of them had any winter clothing with so they'd ended up cuddled up on the couch wrapped in blankets eating stew in front of a blazing fire. _It was a wonderful night_.

Kaidan approached the first building. The door was locked securely and there was no chime. He knocked but there was no response. He walked on to the next building; but again the door was secure and no chime available to signal his presence. No one answered his knock. He trudged on to the next building. _Where is everyone?_ This time the door opened at his approach.

"Hey you, get in here, you're letting all the hot air out!" a voice called out to him.

Kaidan entered the warm room letting the door close behind him. Putting down his duffel he reached up to remove his helmet. A woman possibly middle aged with strawberry blond hair and green eyes came towards him. She was dressed in a long heavy skirt with a shirt, sweater and wore a shawl around her shoulders held on by a clasp.

"You must be that new Alliance lad… you're late!" The woman told him.

"Yes, I'm late. I am Lieutenant Commander Alenko." He answered.

"I'm Bonnie Sinclair. What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be down at the Alliance building?"

"Well, I guess I should be - if I knew where it was."

"Yeah, there is that. Well you go…. You know, it's better if I show you" Bonnie said.

She quickly put on several layers of cold weather gear, a pull over mask and goggles, followed by a long coat with a large hood, covering herself from head to toe before heading for the door. Kaidan shoved his helmet back on and grabbed his duffel off the floor, following her.

Bonnie led him in the same direction he had been going. He couldn't make out much due to the gray day and the dirt blowing in the wind. They passed several buildings. Ahead he could just make out a cube that did not match the other buildings that they had passed. The building looked too square, too white, and too foreign, as if it shouldn't be on the planet. Bonnie stepped up to the door and hit the side panel of the door jam. He knew there must be a switch but couldn't make it out. The door slid open and they stepped inside. Bonnie opened her coat taking off her goggles and face covering.

"Hey Nance your lad has arrived," Bonnie called out.

"Be right there Bon," a woman's voice replied.

Kaidan removed his helmet. "Thank you for your assistance Ms. Sinclair."

"Think nothing of it. You needed to get here, now you're here" Bonnie said.

A woman came out of the back of the room. She had dark brown hair with streaks of gray through it. She appeared calm and in good shape. As she approached she threw Kaidan a salute.

"Lieutenant Agatha Slaven at your service, Commander."

"Lieutenant," Kaidan replied, returning her salute.

"I told him he was late; that you were expecting him weeks ago," Bonnie said.

"Yes well I got delayed due to some problems in transports. I guess the Citadel needs a better travel agent." Kaidan said.

"Well at least you made it safely, that's what counts. I set an office up for you over there Commander," she pointed towards a room off to the right, "so you could have privacy. We have a terminal that goes up to security level eight. The only problem is it only works intermittently due to cloud cover at this time of year," Slaven said.

"Why is there no snow?" he asked.

"There is never any snow on Evenki that is one of the extra things they are studying about this place. All the water is underground. It's dry and cold here. There is ice on the polar caps but that is all." Bonnie shrugged dismissively.

"Yes usually it is just cold and dry here, but you arrived during storm season. We have heavy wind storms at this time of year. But Bonnie is right, no snow." Slaven added.

"Well on that note I will leave you two to get acquainted. I am going home to finish cooking dinner. See you tonight Nance. Bring the Commander here. He has to eat too, doesn't he? Probably has no idea how to cook." Bonnie pulled her headgear back on and closed her coat. She headed out the door without waiting for an answer.

"Why does she call you Nance?" Kaidan asked.

Slaven laughed. "They didn't want to call me Slaven; they say it sounds like dirty laundry. When I told her I didn't want to be called Agatha or Aggie, she suggested Nance. I liked Nance, so that's what they use."

"They're a rather direct bunch here aren't they?" Kaidan cocked his head.

She laughed again. "Commander, they tend to be a bit honest here in how they feel. It actually forestalls a lot of hurt feelings if your speak you mind. That's why they call the place Honesty's Frost."

"You have been here how long?"

"For over a year sir."

"Well you know I am just here for observation. This is still your station. I will do my work and try not to interfere with your day to day operation."

"Sir, this is an Alliance weather station. My day to day entails checking to make sure an upload is sent when it is ready and that's it. Job done." Although her words indicated disinterest, she spoke more brightly. _She must have been worried about me taking over._

"Do we sleep here?"

"No, this is the office. The Alliance felt there had to be a separation of work and residence on this planet since most of our time is spent indoors due to the weather. I've set up your residence by Bonnie's on the other side of the compound. It isn't much really, none of the residences are. You have a living room a small kitchen and a bedroom. I stocked up the kitchen with staples: powdered milk, butter, sugar, spices. You have rations and a colonial package. Strange though; for some reason they multiplied my order tenfold on your provisions."

"That would be because I am biotic."

"Good to know it wasn't a mistake sir."

Her seriousness matched his and she spoke in a tone that was more clipped and formal than the one she'd used with Bonnie. He recognized the change friendly lieutenant to professional soldier and sighed to himself. He knew his reserved cold manner had that effect at times, particularly on subordinates. _I can't help it. It's so hard for me to talk I have to force it out. I don't want to be around people and it's showing. I need to get centered and be more congenial. _

Aloud he said, "Look I'm sorry Lieutenant, I have been stuck in transit for six weeks, I don't mean to be short with you. I do need to go through the computer banks and the files here. But I think tomorrow would be as good a time as any to start. If I could just synchronize to update my mail and then if you could show me my residence?"

"Come this way Commander"

She showed him into his office. The office is décor was sparse, all he saw was a desk, chair and communications terminal.

"I'll be inside when you're ready to go." Slaven left closing the door behind her.

Kaidan turned on the communications terminal and synchronized his omni tool to last ship he was on had not had a compatible communication system, because the ship was out of date so it had been a few days since he was able to update his mail. _Hopefully it won't take too long_. He saw letters from Liara and Tali and quickly deleted them. There was nothing from the Councilor. Then he saw the letter from Captain Hannah and took a deep breath._ I didn't even realize I was looking for it, but I guess I was. _As it downloaded he looked at the memory allocation. _Looks like she included more holos, good. I will need them here it looks like. Hell I just want them. _

He closed his eyes seeing Shepard once again turning back to look at him before heading off to rescue Joker. He can't see her face under her helmet.

"_Kaidan, go __now__!" _Her voice commands him and he sees himself once again obeying almost blindly.

_Yeah and all I could say was aye, aye. No I love you. No don't go. No let me go instead. I'm such an ass. I could have saved her. I could have pulled her back. I __**should**__ have followed her._ Kaidan sat lost in memory until finally the incessant beep of his omni tool brought him back. _Crap, t__he download completed an hour ago, and I just registered the alert._ He got up shaking his head.

He walked to the room that he assumed was Slaven's office and found her there. She looked up as he entered.

"Are you ready to go Commander?"

"Yes, please."

Kaidan put on his helmet and picked up his duffel. He watched as Slaven put on a coat and head gear similar to Bonnie's.

"Don't you have armor?" Kaidan asked.

"Yes I do Commander, but it makes the colonials anxious if I wear it, so I've adapted."

"Well..." Kaidan was about to say "wear it anyway," but thought better of it. "Okay."

_After all I am here to find out information on the geth, not to upset her ways. She has been here a long time and doesn't seem to be leaving anytime soon. I should just leave her be_. He followed her out the door. _It will take me a while to find my way around especially when I can't really see where I am __going._ He stopped in front of the building and marked the coordinates on his omni tool. He followed Slaven, continuing to mark coordinates every time she turned a corner so that he would be able to find his way to and from his residence without a guide. Finally they stopped in front of a building. Slaven touched the side of the door, waiting for it to open. Then she touched the panel again.

"Commander if you will take off your glove and touch here the lock will orient on you alone." She told him.

Kaidan did as she directed. The lock flashed green registering his DNA imprint on the hidden plate. She followed him inside the residence, stopping just inside the door and continued talking. "Some boxes came for you from the Alliance. They were labeled personal supplies. I had them put in here Commander. So - I will return at dinner time, which is in about one hour. We are going to eat at Bonnie's tonight, remember. Now I know you're going to say you don't want to. I get that it's your first day here and all, but Commander, I think you'll want to get to know Bonnie. She can make your life a lot easier with the locals so please indulge us on this. Honesty's Frost is a small simple closed community. I don't know how long you're going to stay here but you have come to observe. To do that you need Bonnie or you will never see anyone here but me. Please take my word on that. These people do a lot of things together, and if you want to observe them you will have to join in. She is only two doors down so you won't even have to go that far."

Kaidan _had_ considered saying no, but what she said made sense. _Why make waves on my first day?_

"I would like to wash up and unpack so an hour would be fine. I assume I don't have to get dressed up. Are my ACUs okay?"

"They would be fine. If you have any thermal underwear you might want to wear them as well. You might be more comfortable in ACUs than your armor anyway."

"Okay then I will be ready in one hour. Thank you Lieutenant."

"You're welcome Commander." Slaven nodded and left.

He removed his armor and opened his duffel taking out a change of clothes and his toiletries. He found the shower and washed up. When he was finished felt better. _On that damn freighter the shower never seemed to work correctly, I never really felt clean._ He still had a little over half an hour before dinner. Going over to the boxes that Slaven had put in the room he waved his omni tool over the first one to get identification on the sender. _Captain H. Shepard_ flashed on his tool. He couldn't get the box open fast enough. It was filled with bedding and warm clothing including a parka and three pairs of thermal underwear. Kaidan smiled to himself. _Well I may not have realized how cold it was here, but Hannah certainly did. It was very thoughtful of her._ He reached for the final two items; a framed holo of Zin and a note which read,

_Dear Kaidan-_

_I am sure you forgot to get thermal underwear. RJ says you will need it. I added some extra things to keep you warm, because I don't want you to get sick. I included the picture because RJ was afraid you might have forgotten yours. It is a more recent picture taken the day she learned that she was going to be on the Normandy. Her dad has a lot of holos like that, so we are not out of them yet. You take care of yourself._

_-Hannah_

Kaidan looked at the holo. Shepard was sitting in her ACUs by a ship's window. It looked as if he was looking right at him as if he had just come upon her. The smile on her face was infectious and he found himself smiling back. This gift warmed his heart; this was Shepard as he remembered her. _I wonder if Hannah really knows how much something like this means to me. _It was another grand gift_._ He locked the holo on manual to prevent others from seeing it before putting it down then grabbed the thermal underwear and changed into it. They fit perfectly and he wondered how Hannah had known. He had finished dressing just as the door chime sounded. Grabbing his new parka, he headed to the door. As he put his arm in the sleeve something fell out. It was a head covering and goggles like the locals wore. Kaidan opened the door, then stepped back to quickly finish donning his winter wear.

"Let's go" he said to Slaven

"You will be much better accepted dressed like that than in the armor, sir."

"Yes so you said. It will be much more comfortable in this then my armor while eating I suspect."

She nodded "follow me."

The aroma of garlic and other spices assaulted Kaidan's senses as he entered Bonnie's residence for the second time. They removed their gear and Slaven hung them up on hooks by the door. Bonnie came out of a room that Kaidan assumed was the kitchen.

"I hope you're hungry Commander, because I made a lot of food and I don't want it to go to waste."

"Well Ms. Sinclair I _have_ been known to eat a lot."

"Good. That's what I want to hear. Nance, come help me. What do you drink Commander?"

"What do you suggest?"

"You can have whatever you like really, I have most everything."

"Do you have any milk?"

"Reconstituted okay?"

"Fine, if it isn't too much trouble."

"Touch of a button, no trouble at all. Have a seat." She headed back to the kitchen where Slaven had already disappeared.

Kaidan sat down on a nearby chair and looked around the room. It has a lived in look with pictures and art work on the walls. The modern chairs and couches had small pillows and a blanket or two that looked handmade. There is a table set up in the room they are in to accommodate three for a meal.

Both women returned laden with dishes and placed them on the table. Kaidan saw the dishes contained roasted meat, tubers, various vegetables and a loaf of bread.

"Dig in" Bonnie gestured towards the table.

They seated themselves, filling their plates and began to eat. The food was good and he helped himself to seconds with a little urging from Bonnie.

"So what is the main goal of the colony? I mean I read the reports that says they are studying the way the cold effects the colonists. There must be another reason you're here," he said

"Well the mining of course. Evenki is rich with minerals and gasses and there is enough water underground to fill several oceans on earth. The crust is thin so everything is easily accessed. This is the first of several planned colonies I understand." Bonnie said.

"I read that a Dr. Harris K. Laro is in charge of the medical aspect of this experiment." Kaidan took another piece of bread.

"Experiment- a nice way to say the company is monitoring the way we live our lives. The mining is the main thing here, but the environment of the planet is such that the medical study was added later. Dr. Laro forgets that we are here for the minerals and thinks the medical tests should supersede everything else. Nothing else matters long as he can send in his reports. Stupid reports..." Bonnie waved her fork at Kaidan in frustration, "they don't take into account the human aspects of the situation. It's so cold here much of the three hundred and twelve days of the Evenkian year that we can't stay out in the air for long periods of time without environmental suits. So the environment promotes a closed community. Our proximity makes us dependent on each other. In some ways it makes us closer than even family. Now is that a good thing? Well yes... and no. We do help each other in a pinch. However individuals who don't fit in with the others may choose to ostracize themselves. Alternatively the community can find ways to make them feel unwelcome."

"On the other hand..." Slaven reached for more tubers. "If something goes wrong, everyone is right there ready to help. They hit a gas pocket the other day and when the machinery blew eleven people were injured. Everyone came running as soon as the call went out and we were able to get the injured to the medical facility while the engineers sealed the breach. A small facility like this doesn't have an on-call emergency team, so our closeness is a good thing."

"You don't have emergency crews? That doesn't seem right," Kaidan said frowning. "That just seems like poor planning on someone's part. What company is in charge here?"

"It's the Aregos Company. I think they were a relatively new company to begin with. I don't think they have all their ducks in a row." Slaven put her utensils on her plate and pushed it aside.

"Well if everyone is willing I can certainly help organize a rescue brigade. I am a medic _and_ an engineer; it's part of my training." Seeing that the serving dishes still contained generous portions, Kaidan helped himself to a third helping.

"You know Commander, that would be appreciated. I think I would feel better if we had some training." Bonnie lifted the milk pitcher and waved it towards Kaidan's glass. When he nodded. She reached over and filled it.

"Thank you Ms. Sinclair. May I ask what your position is here? Are you a mayor of sorts?"

She chuckled and shook her head smiling. "No, not the Mayor. I am the head geologist, so I guess that puts me in charge. Although I've always just been a take charge type. Since of the mineral extraction team and support workers all report to me it seemed a natural progression that they would look to me for guidance."

"What about the medical personnel, who do they work for?" Feeling comfortably full for the first time in days, Kaidan pushed his plate aside with a satisfied sigh.

"They work for the company too." She glanced at him. "I hope you left room for dessert Commander, I made some fruit pie."

"That was wonderful and I'm quite full, but I'm _sure_ I have some room left for pie." He hesitated for a moment before continuing. So the medical personnel live in the village too?"

"No, they live up the hill in the medical building. It has a residence hall attached." Slaven got up and grabbed the empty plates before heading into the kitchen.

"Yes, they don't really associate with us much." Bonnie waved her hand at Kaidan as he started to get up to help "no, no Commander you just stay there, we've got it. Hot fruit pie á al mode okay?"

"Uh, sure whatever you're having is fine." He looked down chasing a memory out of his head as it threatened to take hold of him. _I seem to be better at controlling it. Plenty of time to reminisce later._

The rest of the meal was uneventful and he gleaned no more information from the ladies that helped him understand the possible connection between the colony and the geth.

* * *

Returning to his residence Kaidan is finally alone Making a cup of tea, another habit he adopted from Shepard, and sat down to relax. He pulled up the mail he received from Hannah. _I have been looking forward to reading this_.

_Dear Kaidan,_

_I hope this finds you well. The Alliance continues to disavow my daughter's actions. It's so odd – the contrasts that is. On the one hand, Zin seems to still be some kind of Alliance poster girl; a soldier's soldier and on the other hand, some kind of nut. The latest thing I've heard is that her Reaper speech was the overreaction of a battle-scarred soldier, probably suffering form PTSD. These types of things make me so angry! But enough about me. Please take care of yourself. I know it's cold where you are. It's important to dress in layers – no natural fabrics though, synthetic is better because it wicks away moisture…_

He smiled at this last bit; clearly RJ had talked with her about the weather which explained both the advice and the package she'd sent. The letter continued on for a few more paragraphs. At first he felt vaguely disappointed to find it didn't include a family story. Then he saw that she'd attached a vid file to her letter with the holos. The file was labeled Zin with her Aunt Mabel.

Opening the vid, he saw a very young girl with bright red hair sitting listening intently to a story… At that moment the girl looked up and it seemed to Kaidan that she was looking directly at him right into his heart. As he looked in the child's eyes he had no doubt that this was Shepard. His Shepard. He heard the voice of an older woman, whom he assumed was Aunt Mabel, in the background, telling a story of a knight rescuing a princess.

"Sir Thomas lunges at the dragon, but the dragon avoids the thrust. The dragon rears back and blows a stream of fire at Sir Thomas. He is able to leap out of the way just in the nick of time. The dragon turns hitting Sir Thomas with one of its giant wings. Sir Thomas goes flying and lands on his back with the wind knocked out of him. The dragon marches over to Sir Thomas for the kill and spends a few seconds standing over the fallen man seaming to gloat."

Little Zin's face wears a look of excitement on her face and her clasped hands squeeze themselves together even more tightly. Kaidan found himself smiling at the sight. _My god look how much she is enjoying the dragon!_ He notices her intensity increasing as the story continues. "As the dragon rears back for the kill Sir Thomas grabs his sword and plunges it with both hands into the dragon's chest killing the creature instantly. As the dragon dies Sir Thomas gets up and runs to the beautiful Princess Carnation and frees her from the chains that hold her captive. He takes her back to her castle home and pledges his undying love for her. She finds in Sir Thomas the man she loves and they marry and live happily ever after." The woman's voice stops, the story finished.

A minute later the woman enters the frame sitting down next to Shepard. The resemblance to RJ can't be missed.

"So Zinny, you want to be a princess when you grow up so the brave knight can come and rescue you?" Her Aunt asks.

The girl's eyes light up and a big smile spreads across her face.

"Oh no Auntie Mable, I don't want to be a princess and live happily ever afters... I want to kill the dragon!" Young Zin face takes on a rapturous look.

Kaidan hit the stop button, freezing the playback so he could capture her face at that moment. He had seen that look before and he knew it very well. Tears rolled down his smiling face as he replaced the face in the vid with the one in his memory; a memory of Shepard's face right after she has killed a thresher maw.


	42. Chapter 42

Bioware owns all!

This as always is for Shenzi, Sesheta and Star who get me through the day, everyday.

For Sirius, who keeps me feeling good and for Aslan who puts up with me.

And many thanks for my Beta... you know who you are... You gave me Zin and Kaidan back as well as Ari and Kaidan. Thank you!

Everyone has days like this...

* * *

**Boredom**

~Present Day~

Shepard opened her terminal and looked at it. There were no new mails. There were no new missions. There were no reports that weren't already written. Garrus had set up a program where she could write reports for the Council (for when they were free of Cerberus) and hide them in the terminal. When it saved them there was a worm that would place a modified short version in the system that the Cerberus spies could than access. The worm had been programmed with certain key phrases and terms that would automatically cut the report, then all she had to do is read it and make sure it made sense. It actually worked quite well. When she was ready to upload the reports to the Council they would download them onto her omnitool and then they would be decoded and then she could upload them. She knew they said she didn't have to file reports, but she also knew when she was done and clear of Cerberus they would want them. The download could be done quickly and easily, in case they needed to make a quick getaway.

At this point they were still investigating the mech problem they found on the MSV Corsica. Information was recovered at the crash site pointing to the last known stop off of the ship. They were heading for the Jarrahe Station, in the Strabo System of the Eagle Nebula where hopefully they would find some answers.

Bored, she thought about what she could do to pass the time.

_Not sit here in front of his holo all night, that would not be a good thing and certainly wasn't the way to get over him. I don't feel like reading. I tried to read the twentieth century farce, but even that made me think of Kaidan. I could go talk to Doc. No, she would just want me to talk about my feelings. Garrus? No, same reason. _

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

_That left Joker. Well, it had to be better than sitting here doing nothing._

She got up and headed for the elevator, her final destination the cockpit.

* * *

She got to CIC and started towards the front of the ship. She didn't get that far as Kelly intercepted her.

"Commander, how are you today?" Her perkiness reminded Shepard of a balloon bouncing off the ceiling. It was amazing she wasn't hopping up and down.

Shepard knew it was only her perception but there was something about this woman that made her uncomfortable.

"Fine, Kelly. I am fine." Shepard tried to continue to the cockpit but her progress was still impeded by her yeoman.

"Now Commander, if you ever wanted to talk, I am right there for you." Kelly's happy smile went all the way up to her green eyes.

"No, Kelly, I don't want to talk, but thank you. Now if you will excuse me I want to see Joker." Shepard tried to get by her again.

"Certainly, Commander. You know that Joker, he is so funny. He has some issues with EDI though. I hope he is going to work them out. I could help him, but he won't talk to me. I have no idea why." Kelly finally let Shepard walk by her.

_I can guess why_.

Shepard glanced back over her shoulder at Kelly who was happily chatting away with Lockhart as if Shepard had never been there. She shook her head and continued on into the cockpit.

"Morning, Joker, mind if I join you?" Sitting in the chair that was to the right of him she glanced out the window into space.

"No, not at all. You can help us decide what book to read next. Do you have a favorite book, Shepard?" Joker asked.

"Yes I have several. So by we, you mean you and EDI?" Shepard said.

"Yes, Shepard. I would like a romance and Jeff would like an adventure." EDI said.

"You know, one of my favorite books might fit both those categories and Joker should like it. It's a classic though. Fifteenth century Earth. It's a wonderful story of love, betrayal and revenge." Shepard said.

"That sounds like something I would be interested in." Cocking his head sideways Joker narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "There isn't a lot of love in it though is there?"

"The theme throughout is love. That is what fuels the betrayal and the revenge. Okay it may be more about the revenge, but it is definitely his love for her that is the underlying current of the whole story. Maybe that is just the way I see it. There is mystery and intrigue throughout. I think you will like it." Shepard said.

"I think I would like that, too, Jeff." EDI said.

"Okay, what is the name of the book?" Joker tapped several times on his console.

"The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas." Shepard said.

"Accessing... I found several different versions." EDI said.

"You want the unabridged version EDI it is chock full of descriptions for a time when they didn't have the extranet." Shepard said.

"I have downloaded the copy. We can start reading whenever you want, Jeff." EDI said.

"Do you both read it at the same time?" Shepard asked.

"Well, sort of, EDI reads it out loud to me." Joker said looking forward at his status readout.

"I think that's nice. It's a nice book to read out loud to someone..." Shepard had almost said 'that you love' remembering that she had started reading the book to Kaidan. They hadn't finished it, yet. Now they probably never would. She pushed the thought away mentally picturing closing a door on it and tried to think of something else that didn't involve Kaidan. "Joker, how far are we from Jarrahe Station?"

"About six hours, Commander."

"Good. So it seems like you and EDI have worked out your differences."

"We have come to a happy medium. If we can pick a book or a vid that we both want to read or watch we do and then we discuss it. Even if we hate the vid or the book, we need to fine one thing we like about it. It makes for some interesting conversations, I will tell you."

"Oh, like what?" Shepard looked out the window again.

"See there is this old series of short vids from the mid twentieth century about theses three guys that get stuck in wacky situations and beat each other up. It's called the Three Stooges." Joker said.

"They were a vaudeville and comedy act that was best known for physical farce and extreme slapstick." EDI said obviously pulling some official reference, because she sounded like an educational vid.

"What is 'slapstick'?" Shepard looked at EDI.

"Slapstick is a type of comedy involving exaggerated violence and activities which exceed the boundaries of common sense." EDI said.

"And it's funny." Joker said.

"I did not find it funny." EDI said.

"You have no sense of humor." Joker leaned forward and looked at EDI.

"I have a perfectly good sense of humor. I found humor in several other things we have shared. I just don't find the nonsensical violence amusing."

"I still don't get that you don't find that funny. They hit each other they fall, they duck, they poke, they slip and they make funny comments, it's hysterical." Joker was enthusiastically waving his hands about stressing his points.

"They strive to injure each other and it is amazing that they do not cause permanent damage."

"That's what makes it funny!" Joker jabbed his finger in the air as if he was making the ultimate point.

"EDI, what was the thing you liked about it?" Shepard smiled at the banter between the two.

"Larry's hair. There was no order to it. Mathematically it was funny." EDI said.

"See, and that just makes no sense!" Joker gently slammed himself back into his chair.

"Oh, come on, Joker," Shepard smiled at him. "It makes perfect sense. Chaos is funny and order is not. I kind of see it."

Joker looks down and shakes his head in disbelief. "_Women."_

Shepard laughed as EDI pointed out… "Technically I am sexless, I could easily change the parameters of my voice and make it sound male.

"No, EDI, don't change your voice I have gotten used to it already." Joker turned towards the glowing avatar shaking his head

EDI made herself sound like a man. "Are you sure you wouldn't prefer this voice, Jeff. We could be best buds and pals like the Three Stooges."

"No! Just no, change it back, EDI. Change it back now!" Joker sat forward and waved his hand in her direction. Shepard couldn't see his face, but his ears were red.

"Why, Jeff, this voice is much more suitable, I think." Still using the male voice, Shepard thought she saw EDI's avatar flicker a tinge of green for a second before returning to the white blue base color she always was.

"No, EDI, I like the other voice better, change it back." Joker turned to look behind him and Shepard saw that his cheek was red too.

"Oh, you like it?" EDI said in her normal voice Shepard thought she tinged pink for a second. If she didn't know better she would think the green tint was laughter or teasing and the pink was a blush.

"Yes, okay, yes, I like it. Just leave it the way it is, okay?" Joker relaxed back in the chair, the red slowly leaving his cheeks.

Shepard watched the two as the banter between them continued.

_This is going to be one of the oddest relationships in all of human history._

She turned and looked out the window again smiling as she listened to Joker and EDI go on about how Joker was not open to change. As their voices droned on she slipped away into her own little world. In this world she didn't have to save anyone. She didn't have to compromise. She didn't have to work with people she couldn't trust. She got the full support from everyone that she needed. In this world she was allowed to have the one thing that mattered to her and was important to her and not anyone else. That one thing was Kaidan.

* * *

A while later Shepard was walking back through CIC. She was on the armory side hoping to avoid Kelly, and saw the woman still talking at Lockhart whose eyes seemed a bit glazed over.

The armory door opens and Jacob walked out, a smile coming to his face as he caught sight of her.

"Commander, I was wondering if you had a moment?"

"Yes, Jacob, I'm free at the moment. What can I do for you?"

"I was able to upgrade the grip on your pistol to make it more comfortable. You want to come and try it out?" He pointed over his shoulder towards the armory.

"Sure, I wouldn't mind at all."

_Target practice that would certainly be something I could get into that would take time._

Following Jacob into the armory she looked around and noticed he kept it extremely clean and organized. The windows made it feel opening and inviting. The room had the comforting smell of gun oil wafting through it.

Jacob opened the gun cabinet and pulled out her pistol and handed it to her grip first. Taking the weapon, Shepard fit it to her hand checking the feel of the new grip. There was a softness added to the front and rear of the grip which would soften the kickback. The sides of the grip were firm, solid and tacky to allow for … well, gripping. The changes made the weapon more usable. Even though the pistol saw little action for much more than target practice anyway, she appreciated the thought.

"The changes you made seem to make the pistol grip better. I like it so far. I am going to take it to the range and try it out. Do you need me to sign it out?"

"Not at all, Shepard, this is not an Alliance ship, remember. You don't need to sign out your weapons."

"So anyone can come in here and take the weapons?" Always practical, Shepard pointed to the weapons rack.

"EDI can lock down the armory and the cabinets at anytime, so I think we are okay." Jacob looked at the cabinet and then back to Shepard.

"Of course, sorry, old habits die hard it seems." She frowned and looked away.

"No, it's fine, really, Commander. I am sure you're just used to your ways and these are new, that's all." Jacob reached out to comfort her, but pulled back with a frown on his face.

"They are at that." She turned back and smiled at him. "Thank you Jacob, I will let you know what I think of your improvements."

"Uh," Jacob looked down. "would you like some company?"

"No, if it is okay, I would rather be alone."

_I do not need the complications that this would bring, not that I am interested in anyone, well except..._

"Sure, Commander, I understand. I will see you later." His frown didn't do much to mask his disappointment.

"Yes, we will be at the station in about four hours." She headed for the door. "I will see you then."

* * *

Garrus walked into Shepard's cabin looking for her. She was not there. Since he was there checked the emergency duct exit and sure enough there was another bug that he had to remove, the jammer was still was in place. He walked towards the door.

"EDI, where is the Commander?"

"She is in the shooting range."

"Thank you, EDI. That is all."

"Logging you out, Garrus."

He took the elevator down to the gym deck and entered the shooting range. She was there using a pistol to practice. He grabbed the hearing protectors and put them on being careful not to dislodge the bandage on his ear and walked over to her.

"Clear!" Shepard clears the pistol and puts it down a satisfied smile on her face she removes her hearing protectors as she turns towards Garrus.

"I was looking for you. I went to your cabin and removed another bug from the exit."

"Thank you. Jacob upgraded the hand grip on the pistol. It really cuts down on the kickback. Maybe I will even use it more." She handed him the pistol, grip first of course.

"No, you won't." Laughing knowing she didn't use it as he took the weapon from her hand and looked the gun over.

"No, I won't." She laughed. "I just prefer my sniper rifle or at worst the assault rifle. I do miss the old overheat system. I could time it just right and never have to worry about overload. Having to find heat sinks is a pain in the ass."

"You're just set in your old ways, you will get used to the new ones and it will be fine. Can I try it?" Gesturing at the targets.

"Sure, but you don't like pistols anymore than, I do." She laughed grabbing her target out of the bin and looking at it. "Damn, still a little off center." She handed it to Garrus after he held his hand out for it and he studied it.

"Shepard, you are the only one that can get upset when you get a bulls eye for every shot." He shook his head and handed her back the target. Taking aim he looks at the target distance she has set. "You didn't shoot at this distance, did you? Shepard, that is out of range of this weapon by at least three meters."

"Five, what good is it if you don't push the limits. Look they are not even, even counting for drift there is no cross wind here. The holes should be grouped closer together." She waved her target at him.

"Shepard, they are grouped fine for this distance." He bent down and adjusted the target to a more reasonable distance. "Put on your protectors." Putting the hearing protector back on his head and aims the weapon. "Weapon hot, ten shots!" Garrus takes his shots. "Clear!" He clears the pistol and puts it down. "That really does reduce the kickback. You think he can figure something out for the sniper rifles?"

"I don't think I want anyone touching my rifle except you. You know that."

"Yes, you are overly attached to that thing. I will talk to him about it, though. I think he has a good idea here." He pulls his target out of the slot. "Well, seven out of ten but the other three are pretty close, two of them touching the center so it's not bad."

"Don't pretend that you aren't just as attached to your sniper rifle as I am. Seven out of ten is still only seventy percent, you can do better than that." She picked up her gun and walked over to the cleaning rack.

"Seventy percent is good for a gun I am not used to, it's your gun." Garrus followed her over to the table taking out the oil and cleaning tools as she dismantled the weapon.

"It's the same gun as yours and you know it."

"Yeah, but it's still a pistol. As you pointed out, I don't use them any more than you do."

"I don't use it, but I make sure I am at least ninety to ninety-five percent accurate in any weapon, because you never know when it might be the only weapon available to you."

"Okay, Shepard, I will practice if it will make you happy." He handed her the gun oil taking the cleaning tools she was finished with and putting them away.

"Garrus, I know I can be a hardass sometimes when it comes to the weapons. I just feel that accuracy is as important as familiarity as you well know."

"Yes, I remember you making Liara and Kaidan become expert in several weapons even though they are biotics." He took the oil and put it away as she quickly reassembled the weapon.

"It never hurts to be prepared. Want to get something to eat before we go to the station? We still have time."

"Sounds good, I need to stop in engineering to check on something. I'll meet you in the mess." They left the range.

* * *

Garrus, Jacob and Shepard stepped back onto the Normandy through the airlock from Jarrahe Station.

"Now that was wholly unsatisfying." Shepard removed her helmet and rolled her head on her neck.

"You're just upset because there weren't any of your devoted fans there." Jacob smiled at her.

"I did say I was sick of mechs, but really, that was disappointing, nothing to shoot at." Shepard walked towards the armory, both men following.

"We did get the location that is possibly the source. I am sure the Hahne-Kedar Facility is full of mechs wanting to make you theirs, Shepard." Garrus moved onto the other side of Jacob to avoid Kelly's stare.

"It will have to wait until we pick up the Warlord. We'll go there next." Shepard said.

"We'll just have to get there as fast as we can that's all." Garrus said.

"It's sure to be another disappointment. I am sure there will be nothing to shoot at there either." She tells them as they walk out of the CIC and into the armory together.


	43. Chapter 43

Bioware owns all!

Sorry for any delay... but you know … Life happens... Don't know if we will stay in the past or visit the present next time... The muse is playing in other waters right now … She has other things on her mind...but in the end I think you will be happy... I know I will be...

This one is for Sesh... Without whom I would have lost my mind through all of this.

* * *

**If Not Geth, Then What?**

~Twenty-six weeks after the attack on the Normandy~

_**Green mold all over everything and he runs. He is running as fast as he can.**_

_Where is she? Where have they taken her? I need to find her._

_**He slips on some mold but he scrambles up moving quickly. He passes through the geth armatures and their heads move slowly following him. They are his; he's marked them by waking them.**_

"_Kaidan, help!"_

_**Racing up a ramp, stone statues all around him, faces frozen in agony. He charges up to the control room. It is full of geth and their flashlight eyes turn towards him. He stops and waits for the firefight to start, but it doesn't. They just stare at him with their flashlight eyes. **_

"_Where is she?" The scream erupted from his lungs like a geyser. _

_**The geth all turn away from him as one. He shoots at them with his assault rifle and still they ignore him. He switches to his pistol and still they ignore him.**_

"_Kaidan, help!" Her voice breaking in pain._

_**Passing walls full of vines he takes off again. Up ramps, around corners, down corridors he rushes on. Then there is water and the walls are full of stasis pods and still he hurries onward. He stumbles and falls face first in the water, his helmet flying off his head.**_

"_Kaidan, where are you?" There is the tremble of fear in her voice._

_**Back on his feet he zooms past Vigil's alcove and down the ramp. Passing rocks and stone walls he splashes water all around as he continues on his trek. He slides down the ramp and falls the fifteen feet to the bottom of the trench. No pain, nothing broken, he gets up and dashes down the trench. There are geth along the walls but they turn away at his approach. Then he sees her up ahead face down in the water.**_

"_No!" The word tore forth from the depths of his soul as he tried to reach her._

_**Falling to his knees he grabs her and turns her over and...**_

Sweat dripping from his face breathing fast and his heart beating so hard as if it was trying to escape from his chest Kaidan woke up with a start. This was not as bad as some of his dreams but it still shook him. Grabbing his omnitool off the table he activated the holos and scrolled through them looking at Shepard's image, needing to see her face and using it to center himself, until his heart slowed and his breathing returned to normal.

Finally calm he threw off the dream with his blanket and got out of bed. Doing his morning calisthenics relaxed and invigorated him at the same time. He cleaned himself up and felt ready to face the day. Shoving on his armor he grabbed his helmet. Heading for the kitchen he was going to have some milk and oatmeal it reminded him of Shepard. He added nuts and dried fruits to the oatmeal as compensation for his need for higher calories in his diet. He finishes his meal and cleans up before heading out to the office.

Over the past month getting to know the people of Honesty's Frost has turned into one of the more interesting challenges of his life. On the one hand there were the people that didn't care that he was Alliance and they just treated him as stranger. Their answers always tended to be vague and uninformative. Then there were the Alliance haters. They resented his presence as an invasion to their safe quiet world and their information was tainted and convoluted. The final group just didn't care that he was there as long as he didn't bother them. The doctors were in the third group, they didn't even talk to him. You would think after a month they would be more open to him.

There were a few people that were pleasant to him but Lieutenant Slaven, Bonnie and Bonnie's friend Roger Paslen were the only ones that had made Kaidan feel welcome. Bonnie stopped by the office a few days after the night of the dinner to introduce Kaidan to Roger. It was obvious that Bonnie and Roger were closer then friends right away just by the way they touched each other's arms when they were close. Roger was a tech at the mine. They had asked Kaidan to join them for dinner several times, but he always begged off. He didn't really want to spend time with a happy couple and they certainly seemed happy.

Today he finally had an appointment with Dr. Laro up at the medical facility. Not that he expected anything to come of it. He had combed through reports for the mining facility for the months before he arrived. He didn't see anything that remotely resembled geth activity. Other than some abnormal weather trends that could be chalked up to a freak of nature, the reports were boring, and he wasn't even one third of the way through them. He had a feeling that there was something that someone forgot to tell him, like what he was really here for.

He walked over to the office and entered, finding that Lieutenant Slaven was already in her office. He waved hello when she stuck her head out of her door to make sure it was him.

"Commander, there's fresh coffee in the pot if you would like some." She pointed to a counter that had a coffee pot on top and a small cooler underneath.

"Thanks, maybe later."

He went into his office turned on his terminal and looked at the list of files he had still to go through. There wasn't much time before he had to leave for his appointment so he pulled up the one called Casualty Reports. It had the distinction of being small. There were four incidents in the past twelve months (because of course Alliance reports were based on the twelve month earth year). Two were mine incidents and both multi-casualty. There didn't seem to be anything odd about either one. Picking the oldest of the other two incident he opened the report.

Carter Hoffarth a healthy thirty-eight year old male found dead in his residence. The report said that he was found lying in the main living area on his back and there was dried blood coming out of his ears and his hands were clenched. No signs of foul play so the body was released to the Aregos Company Medical Facility, assuming there was a medical reason. Looked like there was no follow up, there was no autopsy information in the file.

Opening up the second individual death report Kaidan noticed something right away, with the exception of the name, Dick Acampora, the age forty and the fact that he was found face down instead of face up the files looked identical. Dried blood coming from the ears, clenched hands and no signs of foul play, they were all there. Body released to the medical facility and again there was no autopsy information or follow up.

He downloaded both files to his omnitool. He would ask Dr. Laro about it when he had his meeting. He checked the local time and he still had a half hour before he had to leave. He linked to the comm terminal and downloaded his mail and smiled when he saw a new message from Captain Hannah. From the size of the attached file he was hoping for another vid. That would be something nice to enjoy tonight when he got home. There was a message from Councilor Anderson that he decoded right away, but it only thanked him for his last report and told him to keep up the good work. There was another message that showed high level security and no sender address. He decoded it part way and it also asked for his personal decode key. He thought it was odd until the message opened.

K-

This date 2300 Twinglyn time.

-RJ

Kaidan checked the local time difference from Twinglyn cabin time and it meant he should make contact at 0100 hours local time. RJ wanted him to call, tonight, and if the weather held up that would be no problem. Maybe RJ would have some more information by now. Someone had to know something. But if this had anything to do with geth in any way, Kaidan would be very surprised.

* * *

Walking into the medical building a female in a white lab coat spied him and came right over to him.

"Can I help you, sir?" She asked looking him up and down paying special attention to his sidearm.

"I am Commander Kaidan Alenko. I have an appointment with Dr. Laro."

"Just go through that door and have a seat, Commander, I will let him know you are here."

"Thank you."

Heading for the door she indicated, he entered what looked like a small waiting room. The walls bare and with the exception of chairs along the walls and a table in the center covered with reader data pads the room appeared empty. Typical doctors waiting office in the private sector. Taking a seat he looked around the sparse room and noticed a small vid camera in both corners of the room opposite the door. He was being watched he was sure. Whether it was a security check or so they wouldn't forget someone was in here or something like that he didn't know, but he would be sure to check for more in any other room he might be shown to.

He waited patiently for an hour and no one came. He knew this was a test and he was tired of it. He got up and walked out to the entry again and the same woman came rushing over to him again.

"Commander, I must ask you to wait…"

"Miss, I think I have been more than patient enough to wait as long as I have, now if you will please…"

"I have it, Laura, you can return to work."

Kaidan turned towards the voice and saw a light haired man also wearing a white lab coat rushing towards him. It confirmed they had been watching him.

"Commander, I am Dr. Leonel Asch, I am Dr. Laro's assistant. He sends his regrets as there is an experiment that has reached a critical stage and needs his undivided attention and he will not be able to meet with you today. Now you are welcome to return tomorrow or maybe I can assist you."

"I would like to meet with Dr. Laro to at least talk to him, so yes, I will return tomorrow. When I return I would also like the copies of the autopsy reports for Carter Hoffarth and Dick Acampora. Or can you provide me with these reports today as assistant to the Project Director?"

"What do you need those for?" His face paled and he looked around.

_I would call that a reaction, and he recognized the names._

"I find the Council's files have not been updated, it is one of the things I need to do."

"Well, I am certain it is just an oversight, Commander. I sure we can have them ready for you… uh… tomorrow." Dr. Asch was wringing his hands and glancing off to the corner of the room.

"Okay, tomorrow will be fine. Tell Dr. Laro I look forward to seeing him tomorrow. I trust he will not have any experiment emergencies then." Kaidan said with a firm voice.

"No, Commander, I will make sure that he is available for you." The man did not bow, but he might as well have he was being so accommodating all of a sudden.

"Thank you, Dr. Asch." Kaidan turned and took a quick side glance up toward the corner that the doctor kept compulsively looking at and he saw a small vid camera there. They were being watched.

Kaidan walked to the exit wondering what they were hiding and if he had actually found something. It wasn't geth activity. It wasn't anything Prothean, but something was going on here. He would have to find out if the Council still wanted him to stay. Well, he did still have roughly seventy-five percent of the documents still to go through, but his instincts told him that this was where he should start.

Maybe he should try and find out why he was sent here to begin with. Why did they need someone to come investigate? What were the actual rumors, or was that just what he was told. RJ said he didn't like where the information had originated. If he could find out, maybe he would have a better idea what to expect.

* * *

That evening there was a gathering in the Community Hall. Kaidan went as he usually did, because after all he was here to observe for the Council. Looking around the room at the faces he realized he was becoming familiar with more and more of them. Several people actually smiled or nodded at him and he returned the greetings with a nod back. He sat against the wall at an empty table protecting his rear as it were. The table wouldn't be empty for that long. Once Bonnie, Roger and Slaven showed up they would sit with him. They always did.

He looked around and noticed several couples and as usual his eyes were drawn to them. He saw Aslie Giannavola with Ervin Bonifay sitting across the room from him. She was holding onto his arm and giggling with a conspiratorial smile on her face as he smiled and spoke to her. Kaidan noticed them in poses like this often and it always reminded him of how he and Shepard had been at the cabin, when there was no one around to see them of course. A touch here, a fondle there, it was heaven. Even the last week on the Normandy when they went over the crew reports in her cabin, he could touch her arm without caution and peck her cheek and make her blush.

"Oh, so you can actually smile?" Bonnie pulled out a chair and sat down next to Kaidan.

"I have been known to now and then, yes." Kaidan looked away from her and down at one of the energy drinks he had brought with him that he was turning in his hands.

"And just as fast the smile is history." Slaven plopped down in the seat on the other side of Kaidan.

"Don't let the women pick on you, Commander, they don't understand that a man's life is full of responsibility and hardship." Roger sat down next to Bonnie and put his hand on her hand.

"Oh, give me a break, Roger, you press buttons and switch levers for a living." Bonnie smiled at him looking into his eyes as she swatted his shoulder with the hand he wasn't holding.

"Aye, woman, and a hard life it is. Look at this finger, have you never seen a more hardworking finger in your life." He held up an index finger in the air and crooked it and straightened it several times.

Kaidan looked up to observe the interaction between the couple and then continued to glance around the room.

Bonnie took Roger's finger and brought it to her lips and gave it a peck. "That is a truly a hard working finger. I stand corrected, my dear."

Kaidan noticed Drew Stormo looking from him to Lieutenant Slaven several times and remembered the same behavior displayed by him last week.

"So, Commander, how did your meeting go with Dr. Laro?" Slaven leaned over to Kaidan and asked him.

At that moment Drew's face took on a look of determination and he set off towards the table that Kaidan was sitting.

"I didn't get to meet with the Doctor today, he was detained. I have another appointment with him tomorrow." Kaidan looked at her but he could still see Drew approaching from behind her. He looked like he was aiming for her and not Kaidan.

"He is a very busy man, he does oversee the whole project, maybe he is just too busy." Slaven took a sip of a drink that one of the colonists had placed in front of her, Bonnie and Roger.

"I have been waiting for a month, one more day isn't going to make much of a difference, I guess." Kaidan took a sip of his drink.

"Excuse me, do you mind if I join you, Nance?" Drew said as he came up next to her.

"Why, not at all, Drew, pull up a pew." Slaven said and that set Bonnie and Roger off laughing and caused Drew to smile.

"That was a good one, Nance. So how was your day?" Sitting down Drew reached over as a server walked by with a tray of drinks and snatched one.

"Well, it looks like we are in for a few days of clear weather before the storms start again."

"Some good news, then. Looks like we hit a nice pocket of Hydrogen today so after we siphon that off we can get to the minerals underneath." Drew took a sip of his drink.

"So good news for you too, then. A Hydrogen pocket that is a nice catch..." Slaven angled her body to face Drew's as they continued their conversation.

Kaidan tuned them out and went back to watching the interactions around the room not interested in the opening salvos of the attempt to start a relationship. He watched more couples interacting. He noticed that there was a lot of touching of hands, arms, shoulders or faces by the colonists. Possibly because they spent a lot of time completely covered by clothing head to toe and they couldn't feel each other at those times. Or maybe he just noticed it because he missed it. They certainly did seem like a close bunch.

The Snack trays started coming around and the music started up. The groups milling around in the center of the room moved to the side to clear the way so people could get up and dance.

"Hey, there are three healthy men at this table, Bette, I'll be taking another one of those." Roger said securing an additional plate from the server after she placed three heaping snack plates on the table.

Smiling at Kaidan, Bonnie pushed the largest one over towards him and placed the other three within reach of everyone.

"Bonnie, you don't have to do that." Kaidan pointed to the plate.

"Oh, stop, Commander, you're a growing boy and your appetite is legendary. Besides there is more than enough to go around, as you well know."

"I don't know if growing boy fits, but legendary appetite surely does. I just got in a new shipment of food supplies for you that I had sent over to your residence today." Slaven turned to look at him taking a sip of her drink and securing a bite off the closest plate.

"Maybe I have a pet varren hiding under the bed." Kaidan said taking a mouthful from his plate.

"That would only fit if he were hiding in your stomach." Roger's eyes glittered at him. "By the way Bonnie made a great stew for us and she put the leftovers in a crate by your door.

"Thank you, Bonnie, but you know you don't have to keep leaving me food. I can actually cook for myself. I had a great teacher." He smiled to himself as he pictured Shepard explaining how to make her pancakes to him.

"Wow, two smiles in one night. Roger, tonight is obviously a special night. I believe you will have to dance with me." Bonnie tugged on his arm.

"Oh, come on now, Bon, you know I don't like to show off." He made a halfhearted attempt at deflecting her before getting up and leading her to the dance floor.

"That sounds like a good idea. Nance, can I coax you to joining me on the dance floor? I promise I will try not to embarrass you." Drew held his arm out to Slaven and after a moment of hesitation she smiled and took it allowing herself to be lead to the dance floor.

Taking another mouthful of the snacks he watched the couples moving on the dance floor for a while before his mind took him to another place. A place with louder music and alien faces. A place with the noise of Quasar machines and recycled air. A place where he had first danced with the woman he loved. Kaidan lost himself in the memory of the place called Flux.

* * *

Opening the door to the office, Kaidan switched on the lights. The Community Gathering was waning down as the 0100 hour approached. He would usually have left earlier, but since he had to make the call he had no reason not to stay. Slaven and Drew seemed to be getting along well and it looked like the reason Drew kept watching him was because he was afraid Kaidan had his sights on Slaven. Well, Drew had nothing to worry about there.

Settling himself down at the comm terminal Kaidan set about tapping on the keys and entering all the security and voice codes that allowed for the level ten communication that he had upgraded the computer for. He waited as the connection went through expecting a Lieutenant or someone to appear on the screen before he got to RJ. He was surprised when he got the man himself instead.

"Hello, Son, good to see your face. Hope the locals are treating you well." RJ had a big smile on his face as he spoke.

Kaidan found himself also smiling. "Well, it has been getting better. I don't think they trusted me much when I first got here. I have only gotten through a quarter of the files but I don't see anything here that wasn't what you would expect from a mining colony. Even the medical experiments due to the weather seem to just be routine observations. I have not found any reason for me to be here, yet."

"It's like I said, I am not happy where the Council got their information from, and I am certainly not happy that they sent you. But although I have some power, it does not extend to the Council."

"I don't think there is anything here that has anything to do with the geth. Can you tell me that I am wrong in that assumption, at least?"

"Son, I can't tell you that you are wrong in that assumption. I think you're right. I don't think you'll find anything about the geth there. I also think there might not be any connection to the Reapers either, sorry to say. I know you were hoping to get more information on them. But I know where the information came from and I have to tell you that something is going on there, and I don't believe it's good."

"Can you tell me where the information came from, at least?"

"Well, I wouldn't want to say, because you never know when the walls have ears, but let just say there is some pro elements and some human elements there." RJ raised his eyes and tilted his head at the words pro and human.

Kaidan looked down for a moment mulling the implications in his head.

_Cerberus! It has to be._

He looked up at RJ again. "I think I understand, sir. You have at least given me a place to start. Thank you."

"Well, you know to keep yourself well protected from the elements, right? You know always armored from outside influences."

"Yes sir, I agree completely. I have been doing that."

"Good to know, it will relieve Mama's mind some to hear that. You might want to mention it in your next communication with her." RJ tilted his head and looked at Kaidan through half lids.

"I will be sure to do that, RJ."

"How are you doing otherwise, Kaidan? Is it getting easier?" RJ sat forward and folded his hands on the desk.

"Not really, not yet anyway. But the letters and the holos, they help." Kaidan nodded his head at RJ in thanks.

"Have you spoken with your parents any?"

"Yes, I checked in with my mom and dad the other day, they are doing well."

"Well, I hope to meet them some day and tell them what a fine son they have. Now, if you need me, this is a good time to contact me."

"I will keep that in mind. It was good to hear from you, RJ."

"If I have any more information for you I will just drop you a note. When you get it you know to call me on that night, okay?"

"Okay, I guess I see the need for all this caution."

"Yes, some fish are really slippery. You take care of yourself, you wouldn't want Mama to worry."

Kaidan laughed. "No, I wouldn't want that."

"Not at all, she might have to come charging in with that ship of hers." RJ laughed waving his hands "Only kidding, of course."

"Of course. I will take care, sir, don't worry. I will keep in touch. Thank you."

"Not at all, Son. Until next time." RJ reached forward and the connection was broken.

Kaidan tapped on his terminal sending inquires to the Alliance archives on the Aregos Company and then sent a message to Anderson requesting access to the Council's Private Archives. Gaining access to them might be problematic, he wasn't a Spectre or C-Sec, but he had to try. Worst that could happen was that they said no. Closing down the terminal he grabbed his helmet and turned off the lights.

As he walked back to his residence he spotted colonists walking back from the Community Hall to their homes. They were chattering and laughing and there was a ring of happiness in the air. As he grabbed the crate Bonnie had left and opened the door to his place all he could think of was how it would be so like Cerberus to destroy the peace of Honesty's Frost.

* * *

"My time is valuable, Commander, I don't see why you insisted on this meeting." Sitting behind his desk Dr. Harris K. Laro was a tall male with thick dark hair all over his head and face who peered at Kaidan over his glasses.

"I am here at the Council request as you well know, Doctor. Your Company is here at the Council's sufferance surely you can understand why I would need to contact you." Kaidan held a data pad in his hand and made some notes on it.

"Yes, well, I see. Now you requested some autopsy information, something about needing to update files." Laro scrunched up his nose like he had smelled something distasteful.

"Yes, the files can't be closed until they are complete. The information you provide should help me to close them." Taking his attention off the data pad he studied the doctor for reaction to his words.

"Oh I see, yes." Kaidan saw his shoulders soften a little and his face smooth out. "I think I have the reports here." He handed Kaidan an OSD.

Kaidan took in and placed it in the data pad. He shook his head at Laro. "No, Doctor, this is just the summation." He handed it OSD back to the doctor. "I need the complete reports including all scans. I would like it as soon as possible, please. I would really like to put this to rest."

"Well, you don't have medical training, what could you hope to gain from a complete report?" His shoulders locked again and his eyes started to dart around.

Kaidan leaned back in his chair trying to give off a more relaxed vibe. "I don't hope to gain anything, Doctor. I'm sure no one will even look at the reports, but I would be remiss if I didn't make sure that the reports were complete. In order to be closed, each report needs to have a full autopsy added to the file. Follow up finished at that point I can seal the report and send it on."Kaidan flicked his hand at the doctor. "Bureaucrats, as you know, like their paperwork to have every drop of information they can get, even if they never read it." Kaidan smiled innocently at him. "On the other hand if I don't file the reports they may send someone with more authority, like maybe a Spectre. You know if a Spectre comes here they will have to do a complete review and an army of auditors and other pencil pushers will be down here making sure all you records are accurate and up to date and that all council conventions are being followed. I know that you are following the rules and I am sure they wouldn't find anything untoward, but think of the time it will take away from you, and your work."

Kaidan observed the doctor in silence as the man considered his words. Several times the doctor glanced over at the vid camera that Kaidan had noticed in the corner when he had been shown into the office. By all outside observation Dr. Laro seemed to be in charge, but it looked to Kaidan like someone else might be calling the shots. Finally the doctor seems to make up his mind.

"I will get the full report to you. I will have it sent over to your office in a little while."

"I will wait, if you don't mind, I really want to put this to bed." Kaidan tilted his head at the doctor keeping the look on his face innocent.

"Alright, Commander, wait here, I will be back in a moment." Grabbing all the data pads from his desk and turning off his terminal the doctor left the room.

Kaidan got up and wandered over to the window. The view looked down over the main part of town and since it was midday he saw some people walking around. The day was a clear one so he could see all the way across to the square Alliance building on the other side of the town. He couldn't quite see the spaceport since the window faced the wrong direction. He was only alone for a few minutes before the doctor returned.

"Here you go, Commander, I hope that our business is done now." He handed Kaidan an OSD.

Kaidan checked the OSD information on his data pad. "Thank you, Doctor. I haven't made it through all the files yet, but if I find anything else you can help me with, I will let you know."

"Yes, why don't you do that." The doctor frowned like he had a bad taste in his mouth.

"I will see you around, Doctor." Kaidan turned and headed for the door, careful not to show his eagerness to search through the data.

* * *

Back at the office Kaidan sat down and placed the OSD in his terminal and immediately an alarm sounded. He quickly accessed the report and found that the OSD had a notification worm on it. It tried to send a report of his activation of it to a mailbox. The security on his terminal blocked the notice from getting through and with a few taps on the keyboard Kaidan was able to deactivate and erase the worm. The doctor really didn't want him looking at this information, and now he would never know Kaidan had.

Opening up the reports he read through them. Although he wasn't a doctor his medic training was enough that he could follow the report relatively easily. It looked like both men died from aneurisms in their brains. While that was a bit odd, it wasn't unheard of. Accessing the medical records for both men he pulled up their last brain scans before they came to Evenki. There was nothing odd in either scan. He looked at the brain scan included in each autopsy report. That was when he noticed something odd. Although the blood path and bleed size for each man was different, both bleeds were in the same area. Exactly the same. Now what were the chances that two different men, from two different home planets that were different ages would get an aneurism in the exact same place?

Kaidan sat back in his chair. It seemed he had found something. He just had no idea what.


	44. Chapter 44

Bioware owns all.

This one is for all you readers who enjoy Walls and Zinya Shepard.

And This one is for Alenko, who requested a Present chapter before the return to the Mission and spurred my muse into action. Well someone had to.

Thank you to my support group, you all know who you are.

This is for all of you who have not read the Count of Monte Cristo.

Mercedes is the female love interest in the book

Edmond Dantes is the man she loves.

Fernand is his rival for her affection.

Monsieur Noirtier de Villefort, Haydée, Valentine, Maximilien and Danglars are other characters in the book... it just denotes passages in the book that Shepard can look up … other than that the names are not important.

* * *

**Fernand Visits.**

~Present~

"Now that's the kind of action I wanted last time." Shepard smiled as she climbed out of the shuttle with Garrus and Jacob following.

"Yes, you did seem to be happiest when that crazy Jedore woman was lobbing missiles at me." Garrus stood next to her.

"Don't whine, she missed you. And besides it gave me a reason to shoot her." She smiled at him then she turned towards Hanley as he climbed out of the cockpit.

"Hey, she almost hit me a couple of times too." Jacob came up behind Garrus.

"She wouldn't have if you weren't following me." Shepard tilted her head back at him.

"I didn't know you were going to go straight into her line of sight." Jacob rolled his shoulders.

"I trusted my aim was faster than hers." Shepard turned and watched as Hanley climbed in next to the tank.

"So what do you want me to do with this, Commander?" Hanley pointed to the krogan in the tank.

"I think the Port cargo bay is empty. Put him in there." Garrus suggested. He turned as he heard the noise of someone coming up behind them. It was Miranda.

"That sounds good, put it in the port cargo bay, Hanley." She pointed to the tank. "Just make sure it doesn't break and you don't accidentally activate the reanimation when you hook it up."

"Aye, Commander, will do." Hanley moved behind the tank as Shepard turned and started towards the exit. Miranda stepped in front of her.

"Commander, I want to talk to you." Miranda had to step aside, then turn and walk beside Shepard as she didn't stop.

"Well, can it wait until after I've changed and showered please?" Shepard glanced sideways at Miranda before exiting the shuttle bay and heading for the elevator.

"Well, I guess it can..." Miranda started to say.

"Good. I will meet you in your office when I finish my shower." The elevator door closed and Miranda found herself on the outside of the elevator still on the shuttle deck, alone.

"Now, how did she do that?" Miranda wondered out loud to herself.

* * *

Shepard entered her cabin and loosened her chest plate. She walked over to the terminal checking her messages so that Kelly wouldn't have a reason to talk to her. Kelly was another one that got on her nerves. There was a message from TIM reference the Krogan...

_File that one dismissed. _

She hit the read button and sent the message packing. There was another one from the Way of Light.

Z-

C of MC

Meet Fernand.

Monsieur Noirtier de Villefort – First Dictionary usage.

Haydée's story

Finding Valentine's love.

Maximilien's offer.

Edmond's visit to Italy – you know where.

Danglars' Fall

Waiting.

-T

She leaned over and picked up her data pad where she left it next to Kaidan's holo. It activated causing her to smile at his image. She activated the pad and worked out the coordinates that he sent her in code in the mail. Only someone knowing exactly which copy and some additional perimeters (like what exact word she was looking for) would be able to work out exactly 'where' he wanted her to go. She tapped in the coordinates and sent them to Joker as she activated her comm.

"Joker, how long would it take us to get to those coordinates?"

"I can have you there around 0700 tomorrow morning."

"Alright, take us there."

"Commander, this is in the middle of nowhere."

"Yes, and that is right where I need to be." She smiled at the confusion in his voice.

"Alright, Commander, whatever you say."

She continued removing her armor as she went over to the cabinet. Stowing her armor she took out clean clothing and proceeded to the bathroom for her shower. All the time wondering why Trey had wanted to meet. That's what the first two words meant …. 'Meet Fernand'... Trey always said he was her Fernand and she would end up with him in the end. Then she would joke and say but he would be ruined by it. Whatever could he want? Going over and over it in her head was not going to help, she would find out soon enough.

Continuing her shower she turned her thoughts to Miranda. What on earth could she want to talk about? Pretty much Shepard avoided her. Unless she ran into her in the mess, she never saw Miranda and she was most satisfied with the situation. She didn't trust Miranda, especially since she said she had wanted to implant Shepard with some kind of control chip. But Miranda was TIM's girl. God she hated this situation. It would have been so much better if she could have had the Council's backing, not that she ever had it before. She shook her head, finished her shower and got ready for her meeting with Miranda.

* * *

Shepard walked into Miranda's office. Miranda was sitting behind the desk but stood up when she entered. Coming around to the front of the desk she sat in one of the chairs and motioned for Shepard to take the other.

"What did you want to see me about Miranda?" Sitting down Shepard looked at Miranda waiting for her to speak.

"Jacob tells me that you're using your barrier more, meaning it has become a habit. I was thinking that it was time for you to train to expand you biotic usage."

"That's not happening, and truthfully if I could get you to turn off the damn barrier without touching me, I would."

"Why? If you are using it, you must find it useful." Miranda folded her arms and sat back.

"Because, I'm not a biotic. I never had it before and did fine without it, so I don't need it. I use it because it is there and adds to my defense, that's all." Shepard rubbed the back of her neck feeling an imaginary tingle.

"Shepard, you are a biotic. I added it for you. You just need to learn how to use them all. It gives you more weapons to use." Miranda had been indicating Shepard then dropped her hands to her lap. "Once you try them I am sure you would find them indispensable."

"I'm not using them, and you putting them there was your idea. I think that I am too old to retrain myself, and I don't want to anyway. Quite frankly I don't want to let you anywhere near my body ever again." Shepard leaned back in the chair planting her hands on her knees.

"Why not? I gave you back your life." Miranda frowned at Shepard. "Why wouldn't you want me to work on you again, I know more about you than anyone."

"Yet in knowing me, one of the first things you told me was that you wanted to put a control chip in my brain." She indicated first Miranda and then herself. "If you really knew me Miranda, you would know that it would be most unacceptable to me." Shepard dropped her hand. "You think you know me, Miranda, but you don't. At this rate, you never will."

"Shepard, you're a soldier. You know it's better to use all your resources. Think of this as a resource."

"No, Miranda. I am just not interested in activating or learning the other uses of my biotics." Shepard shook her head and made a dismissing motion.

"Shepard, I make use of my biotics very efficiently, you could do the same." Miranda moved a data pad on her desk before returning her gaze to Shepard.

"Yes, but you only use two guns, I use Five different weapons. I am acturally quite happy with my fighting style Miranda, and you are finished fiddling with my body, so let it go." Shepard got up and looked at Miranda. "If that was all you wanted to discuss, I will be going."

"Shepard, won't you listen to reason." Miranda stood up and took a step towards the Commander.

"I have no reason to listen to you, Miranda. You bought me back, but I didn't ask you to. You were supposed to bring me back the way I was. You didn't. Your choice and I disagree, but from now on, this is my life and I am going to control it my way. You are not activating any more biotics." Shepard exited the cabin without looking back and headed to the elevator.

Hitting the CIC button she took several deep breaths. That was not what she expected at all. Hadn't she been through enough to get her to this point? There was so much more to be done. She hated that there were so few here that she could trust. She entered the Armory and Jacob turned and saw her and smiled. Then he realized that she was not smiling.

"What's wrong, Commander?" He watched her seriously as she stopped in front of him and then started pacing a minute or two before she answered.

"Jacob, do you report to Miranda about me?" She stopped and turned towards him her hands behind her back and a frown on her face.

"No. Why would you even think that, Commander?" Jacob opened his eye wide a look of shock on his face.

"What have you said to Miranda about me?" She cocked her head to the side and looked at him through half lidded eyes.

"The only thing I said about you since we picked up Garrus was reference to a comment she made about your biotics. She thought you were getting used to your barrier and I said that you did seem to be using it more. That is the only conversation I've had with her about you. Is there a problem, Commander?" Jacob stepped towards her and seemed to be studying her like a sculpture.

"No, Jacob, nothing is wrong. She mentioned that you told her that I was using my barrier more and I was wondering if that meant that you were reporting to her about me." She glanced out the window and pursed her lips.

Jacob didn't speak but just stood there watching her. She could see him out of the corner of her eye. It was just a small comment, but Miranda had taken it and ran. She couldn't really place the fault on Jacob. It was just an observation. Still she wasn't happy about it. "Thank you, Jacob." Shepard turned and headed for the door.

"Commander?"

She stopped and looked at him. "Yes, Jacob?"

"I didn't mean anything by it, honest." He had a small confused frown on his face.

"I understand, Jacob. I just wanted to know where I stand." She looked in his eyes trying to divine his other secrets save the one she had guessed.

"I would never do anything to hurt you, Commander. I respect you too much." Jacob pulled himself up to his full height and put his hands behind his back.

Shepard inclined her head toward him. "Again, thank you, Jacob." She turned to continue her egress. Talking to Jacob didn't do much to relieve the feeling that he might be reporting her movements and decisions to Miranda. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to take Jacob with her all the time. Mordin really had to stay on board and work in the lab. She needed another team member that she didn't have to question their every move. That's what made her think that she needed someone who had no reason to keep track of her. Maybe she should release the krogan, at least she knew he had never been part of Cerberus.

* * *

At dinner Shepard advised Dr. Chakwas, Joker and Garrus that she wanted to meet with them in her cabin afterward. All through dinner she tried to think of what the pros and cons of releasing the krogan could mean. Instead she kept thinking of the Way of Peace. She stayed there for only eight months, but they were fun months full of discovery. Then one weekend she told Trey she was leaving Paxzuno to spend the weekend with her father, and that they were going shooting.

"_Give up the guns, Zinny, give them up and stay with me." He took her hands in his and looked into her eyes._

"_Trey, I need to stay sharp if I am going to enter the Alliance Academy at the end of the year." Shepard pulled one of her hand from his grasp and touched his cheek. "You are sweet, but I am not giving up my chance to make a difference." _

"_The Way of Peace can be your way to make a difference. Non violence and no guns, Zinny, that is the __way of the future." He leaned his head into her hand closing his eyes for a moment before returning his gaze to her._

"_Trey, I am a great shot, I always have been. I like my guns. I like the idea of fighting the 'bad' guys. Most of all I believe in the Alliance." She took her hand off his cheek and patted the hand that covered hers. "You knew that and you asked me to come here anyway. I have given the Way of Peace a chance. I like it here Trey, but I don't want to spend my life this way. Not now, anyway."_

"_I asked you to come because I love you and I want you to stay with me here, Zinny." _

"_Trey, I appreciate that you think you're in love with me, but we are young, I am not sure of everything in my life, but I am sure I don't love you that way. I love you, but not in a 'stay with me forever and be my love' way. More of a 'I will be there if you need me' love." _

"_Go, play with your guns, we will talk again when you come back. I am sure that you will love me, Zinny, if you just give me a chance." _

"_Trey, I want the novel love. The man you can't wait to see the minute he is out of sight. The man who takes your breath away with just a smile. The man who you try to stay away from, but you just can't. The man who shares your beliefs but has opinions of his own and is willing to share them with you even though he knows you might not agree. That is the man I want, and I am willing to wait it out. You are not that man Trey." _

"_You will come around, Zinny. You want Edmond, but I will be your Fernand. You will end up with me when your Edmond fails you. I will be waiting..."_

"Shepard?" Dr. Chakwas called her back to the present.

"Yeah, Doc?" Shepard looked down at her plate and knew what the doctor was going to say before it was out of her mouth.

"Shepard, you have sat there for ten minutes playing with your food and not eating it, are you going to eat or do I have to get another shot?"

"I guess I wasn't paying attention, sorry." Shepard took a mouthful of food.

"Shepard, maybe you should start eating in your cabin, then the Doc can't pick on you." Joker's grin was large until he filled his mouth with food.

"No, you wouldn't want to do that. You need to eat with us, Shepard." Garrus's mandibles flapped a bit.

"You're right, Garrus, I need to eat with you guys, I was just thinking that's all." She took another bite off her plate.

"That is all you ever do is think, Shepard, you need to relax more. Maybe you should come and watch a vid with EDI and I." Joker stopped to take a drink before shoveling more food into his mouth.

"Maybe I will, Joker, what are you going to be watching next time?" Shepard put her fork down and then saw Doc make a face at her, so she picked it up and took another bite of food.

"It's EDI's turn so probably a love story. She is fascinated by male and female interaction, I don't know why." Joker finished his food and pushed his plate forward.

"I think I will skip the love story for now, Joker, tell me when you are going to watch a mindless action vid and I will be there." Shepard slowly took another bite.

"Hey, Joker, if you are going to show one of those types of vids let me know too, I wouldn't mind joining you three." Garrus finished the last of the purple protein off his plate.

"Alright, maybe we can make it a night. How about you, Doc, what to join us?" Joker finished his drink.

"I don't see why not, might be fun." Regarding Joker with a smile she returned her attention to Shepard.

"Good, I will set it up and let you guys know the next time we have something planned." Joker stood up. "So I will meet you guys upstairs in what... ten minutes?"

Shepard looked at her plate. "Yes, I believe I can be finished by then." She looked up and smiled at the doctor before continuing to eat.

* * *

As Shepard filled glasses on a tray with water from a pitcher Garrus, checking the room for bugs, removed and destroyed the one that always seemed to find its way into the emergency exit.

"So, we went to Korlus and picked up a krogan, but we ended up with a different one then the one we set out after." Putting a glass on the table in front of each of them, Shepard took a seat on the chair after moving it so it was across from the couches where the other three sat.

"I understand this krogan is in a tank?" Dr. Chakwas looked at Shepard.

"Yes, it seems that he was grown in there." Shepard stretched her shoulder, it had been a bit achy all day.

"What do we know about this krogan?" Joker looked from Garrus to Shepard.

"Not a whole lot. Engineered to be the perfect krogan or perfect soldier, he could pack quite a wallop. It could be quiet useful." Shepard leaned back and folded her arms.

"On the other hand, it's an unknown commodity. We don't know how knowledgeable the krogan will be out of the tank. We did meet one there that we was able to talk to." Garrus leaned forward on his legs. "He seemed quite intelligent and still claimed to be flawed. If this one is as good as that one was, he could be a real asset."

"On the other hand it is a krogan, they are hard to handle at the best of times. Remember Wrex, on Virmire. Kaidan told me Ashley was ready to shoot him if you hadn't been able to calm him down." Joker leaned forward to take his glass off the table. "What if this one isn't half as cooperative?" He took a sip of the water.

"Yes, but I was able to talk Wrex down. Not giving Saren the advantage of hundreds of uncontrollable crazy krogen was the right thing to do. They were not real krogen according to Okeer, and even he agreed they were a danger." Shepard looked at Garrus. "We did the right thing."

"I know that you like Wrex, Shepard, but this krogan might be something completely different." Shepard turned to her as the doctor continued. "Okeer may have told you it's perfect, but the krogan idea of perfect might be entirely too dangerous for us."

"Well, based on the one we met that Okeer didn't think was perfect, I think I want to wake this one up." Shepard reached over and grabbed her water glass. "I think it's worth the risk."

"How do we know that the one you met wasn't considered imperfect because he was too polite?" Joker ran his finger around the rim of his glass.

"I don't know, Shepard, we still have the convict to pick up, that thief to contact and the Merc. I don't see what the rush is to wake up the krogen." Garrus's mandible flared a bit as he looked at the doctor and Joker before returning his gaze to her. "Why don't we leave him in stasis until we get more information."

"There is one thing that was brought back to me during the discussion with Miranda today... I can't trust anyone here, well, except for us, of course. The one thing this krogan has that no one else has on this ship is any ties to Cerberus." Shepard took a drink of water. "He would have no reason to be loyal to them."

"Uh, but, Shepard, he has no reason to be loyal to you either." Joker put his glass back down on the table.

"He can always leave if he wants, but if he stays we may actually have a strong ally that I don't have to worry about being a Cerberus spy." Shepard put her glass down and sat back in her chair. "That appeals to me."

"You have been taking Jacob and me with you as your team, there haven't been any problems Shepard, why change it?" Garrus moved forward on the couch regarding her.

"Miranda said something which made me realize that as much as we have been able to trust Jacob, he's still Cerberus. I have a problem with that, Garrus." She rubbed her head with her hand. "At the end of the day, we don't know if he will back us, or them. I don't like that I question that, but I do."

Garrus stood up and paced. "Shepard, you have to have noticed that Jacob is attached to you. I really don't think that he would go against you." He stopped in front of her. "This krogan, it could hurt you."

"Yes, Garrus, I noticed Jacob's... interest. That doesn't matter and you know it, it matters that he can be reporting to TIM about me and even if we think he doesn't we don't know." She looked in his eyes. "The krogan is more likely not to. I like those odds." She nodded at him as she said the last.

"Alright then I am coming with you." Garrus stepped towards her stopping by her chair.

"No. I am going in there alone. If anything happens EDI will lock the door, that will give you time to react and find a way to stop him." Shepard turned to Joker and Dr. Chakwas. "It is a Krogan, and it is dangerous, but we need dangerous right now."

"I trust your instincts, dear, if you think it has to be done, then do it." Dr. Chakwas bent forward to put her glass down.

"Hey, I agree with Doc, if you want to do it, then do it. I trust you too Shepard." Joker stood up and started slowly for the door. Dr. Chakwas followed closely behind him.

Shepard stood up and turned to Garrus. "Well, you want to argue me out of doing it?"

"No, I think you reasoning is sound. If you are having trust issues with Jacob I think that's a real problem and this is a solution that I can live with... if it doesn't kill you of course." Garrus crossed his arms and took a step back. "When are you planning to do this?"

"No time like the present." Shepard smiled at him.

"Well, in that case I will be in med bay until you tell me she is clear of the krogan, Garrus." Dr. Chakwas turned back to look at them from the top of the stairs where she and Joker were waiting for the final verdict.

"Alright if I can't stop you have EDI monitor and call me if it goes bad." Garrus turned towards the stairs but then stopped at the bottom of them. "You sure you won't let me come?"

"Garrus, I can handle it." Shepard went over to her locker and took out her pistol and shoved it in back or her pants. "I picked up my pistol from the armory before the meeting. I'll be fine."

"It looks like you are not being completely unreasonable." Garrus said as he turned and climbed the stairs. Joker and the doctor went through the door. "I'll be waiting for you to call when you're finished."

"Tell you what, I will pop in and see you and tell you how it went okay." Shepard started towards the stairs.

"That sounds good to me. I will be waiting." Shepard and Garrus left the cabin together.

* * *

Shepard smiled as the door of the port storage area opened and Garrus was standing there in front of her with an assault rifle.

"I figured the sniper rifle wouldn't work as well in such close quarters." Garrus smiled at her.

"I told you not to come down here." She folded her arms with her pistol still in her hands.

"That you did, but I decided the closer I was the better chance I had to keep you alive, so I came here."

"I'm fine, the krogan is up, his name is Grunt and he wants to fight strong enemies." She unfolded her arms and smiled widely at him. "I think we can satisfy those wants.

"Uh, I know, EDI let me listen in." He looked down guiltily. "You didn't say not to listen"

She knocked him on his shoulder. "You worry about me too much."

"No, I don't." He stood tall and straight.

She pointed to the assault rifle. "So you were just taking the AR for a walk?"

"Okay, you got me, I just thought it was dangerous that's all." Garrus looked down and if he could have blushed he would have.

"It's alright, Garrus, I like having you watch my back. Well I am going to hit the sack. I'll introduce you to Grunt in the morning." She walked towards the elevator.

"Sure, Shepard, I'll just stop in med bay and tell Doc she can go to sleep. She'll be happy you didn't get hurt." He got in the elevator next to her.

"Yes, I'm sure she will be. No need to tell Joker though, I am sure EDI already advised him." The elevator stopped on the crew deck.

"Yes, they do seem to be getting along better. Well, good night, Shepard." He stepped off the elevator and turned back to look at her.

"Good night, Garrus, sleep well." And the elevator door closed.

* * *

After having breakfast she walked into the Cockpit.

"Joker, how far out are we?" She came up and stood next to his chair.

"Just approaching now. There is a shuttle out there transmitting a Way of Peace ID. They are hailing us." His hands moved across the console. "They want permission to come aboard Commander."

"Radio them instructions and bring them into the shuttle bay. I'll meet them there." She turned.

"Aye, Commander." Joker turned and watched her as she headed back towards CIC. He activated his comm.

"Garrus, Shepard has someone on a shuttle coming aboard. She is going to meet them in the shuttle bay... alone. It says Way of Peace, which is a peaceful civilian organization, but why would they be all the way out here in the middle of no where? I don't think that she should be meeting anyone alone." Joker's fingers flew over the console as he worked while he spoke.

"I will go down and meet her there."

"Thanks, Garrus, I knew I could count on you." Joker continued docking procedures while he smiled to himself at his attempt to protect the Commander.

_Not that I don't trust you, Shepard, it's that I don't trust other people_.

He went back to work humming to himself.

* * *

Shepard turned around and saw Garrus coming up behind her. She smiled at him and turned to watch the small civilian shuttle approaching through the kinetic barrier.

"Joker sent you." She folded her arms across her chest.

"He didn't like you meeting strangers on your own."

"Who said they were strangers?" She turned and looked at him.

"Uh, I think he did." Garrus' mandibles flapped.

She shook her head smiling and looked back at the shuttle crossing the barrier. It was painted in muted blues and greens with the Way of Peace logo in white on the side. It landed and the door opened as she approached, Garrus right on her heels.

A medium build man with a small pack on his shoulder hopped out of the shuttle. He had light brown hair and green eyes and his face lit up when he looked at Shepard.

"Hi, Trey, major rule breaking going on here. I might have to report you. You did see my big guns, right?" She had a huge smile on her face as she dropped her arms to her side.

"Yes, Zin, I did notice the big guns. I think I'm close enough to the man who makes the rules to get away with it. So, rifles too small for you now?" He stepped forward towards her but stopped when Garrus shifted his stance. He looked at Garrus.

She looked over at Garrus then indicated Trey. "Garrus, this is Trey Bransich. He is the leader of the Way of Peace movement, and an old friend." Now she indicated Garrus to Trey. "Trey, this is Garrus Vakarian, he is my right hand turian, and friend."

"Nice to meet you." Garrus inclined his head to the man.

"Pleasure to meet a friend of Zin's." Trey put his right hand over his heart and bowed to Garrus. Then he turned his attention back to Shepard. "Zin is there someplace we can talk?"

"Sure, my cabin. Garrus if you will excuse us, we have some catching up to do." Shepard led Trey toward the elevator.

Garrus waited until they were out of sight and walked over to the shuttle. The man had left it open so Garrus stepped inside. It wouldn't hurt to check it out. After all, Shepard hadn't seen this 'old friend' in all the time Garrus had known her. Who knew what new habits he may have picked up.

* * *

When the elevator doors closed Trey embraced Shepard.

"It's been a long time, but you still smell the same." He ran his hands across her back.

"I use the same soap." She smiled her hands loosely around his back.

"Yes, the same soap, but it never smells the same on any two people." He let go as she pulled out of his embrace and stepped back. "I really wish you had stayed with us, Zinny. I know you did good things, but I could have made you happy."

"Trey, you didn't come here to replay the same old arguments over and over, did you?"

"No, I didn't, I came here to talk..." He stopped as she held up her hand to her ear indicating that they were being monitored. He acknowledged with a nod and they were silent as the door opened up for her cabin.

"I had Garrus check for bugs in here last night before I had a meeting, so we should be good here." She turned and saw him walk towards the fish tank.

"No fish?"

"You know how I feel about fish, Trey, they die... the tank is perfectly beautiful with just the water and the plants." She leaned back on the desk with her arms crossed.

He walked over to her and ran his finger over her chin. "You have some scaring here... looks like it's healing. Major work though..."

"Yes, major injuries." she said softly.

He hooked his finger under her chin and drew close to kiss her, but she turned her head at the last minute and he got her cheek instead.

"Still making me Fernand?" He dropped his hand and took a step back.

"Someone has to be, I guess." she smiled softly at him. "You haven't contacted me for years Trey, why are you here?"

"I had hoped in all the years that no one would capture your heart, Zin. You went through the academy surrounded by all those marines, I thought for sure you would find someone. Then you went through the ranks and went to many planets. There didn't seem to be anyone you spent time with more than the normal social things. Parties, meet and greets… and your mother arranging matters, and still you never looked at anyone twice."

"Very few were interested in the real me, Trey. Although lately more seem to be, I am not looking for anyone."

"And yet you found someone that touched your heart in a way you would never let me." He walked over to the holo on her desk. "And your Edmond, where is he?"

He picked it up as it activated, she turned towards him frowning. "I don't know. It doesn't matter."

"The man who has captured the heart of Mercedes, it does matter." Returning the holo to the desk he turned to her.

"How did you know?" She folded her arms regarding him suspiciously.

"Surveillance footage from various public places … the Citadel, Noveria, Arcturus Station...anywhere I could find you. I couldn't let you go off into the horizon without checking on you. I couldn't go with you, but I would always kept track of you whenever I could. I used to scan through hours of public footage just to catch a glimpse of you. Once I became Leader of the Way of Peace it became easier. I paid handsomely to keep track of you throughout your career."

"You could have contacted me, you could have written. I would have answered." She frowned her voice soft.

"It would have gone against The Way." He shook his head.

"You're going against it now." She indicated the room with her hand before entwining it with her other arm back across her chest.

"I am older now. I missed you." He looked into her eyes.

"Trey, the Way of Peace has hundreds of thousands of members, and you couldn't find one that interested you more than me?"

"No." He tilted his head and smiled at her.

"Okay, so, how did you find out?"

"When you were assigned to the Normandy I noticed the change I had been dreading. When she would make port I would go through all the footage I could get my hands on. I saw the way he looked at you, followed your every move." He looked back at the image on the desk. "I saw the way he smiled at you when you weren't looking. The way you would smile at him if his back was turned. The way you always regarded him." He took his pack off his shoulder and reached inside. "Then he purchased this on Noveria and that's when I knew." He pulled a small box out of the pack and handed it to her.

Taking it from his hands she turned it around and examined it. It was tea, the same tea that Kaidan had bought for her. The first gift he had given to her. She smiled at the memory running her fingers over the box. "Yes, he got it for me."

"Yes, my Zinny and her tea. I am not the only one that knows the way to your heart. He just seemed to have a different key then mine. He was able to get to the center chamber." He inclined his head to her at her questioning glance. "You took him to the cabin. I saw the spaceport vids. He came later, but you left together." She nodded her head knowingly. "So why is the fair prince not here with you in this den of snakes?"

"EDI." Her voice rose to a summoning tone.

"Yes, Shepard?" The AI's globe appeared. Trey glanced over but didn't seem shocked at EDI's appearance telling Shepard he was well informed.

"Can you have Rupert send someone up with my tea things?"

"Yes, Shepard... Rupert advises it will be a few minutes."

"Thank you, EDI, that is all." Shepard motioned for Trey to follow her down the stairs.

"Logging you out, Shepard" EDI's globe dissolved.

"First off, you really need to get over me and find someone else Trey, we will never be more than friends. The obsession you have with following my every move is getting very old at our ages. It's pretty creepy too. If I didn't know you better, and trust you, I would have killed you." She stopped and turned to look at him, but he just smiled and shrugged as if he couldn't help it. She continued down the stairs. "As for why he is not here, things happened. I sent him away." She motioned for him to take a seat as she put the tea on the table and then sat down next to him. "It was over two years ago. I made him leave me." She looked ahead, sad and lost in her memories.

"Made him leave you? That is an interesting way to look at it. Yes, in a way you did make him leave you, on the Normandy." He activated his omnitol and a vid appeared above it... she looked at it and saw the Normandy in flames. Kaidan running up to her calling her and slamming his helmet over his head. Her hand went to her mouth.

"Trey, how did you...?" He stopped the vid, knowing it would just upset her more.

"This organization you have tied yourself to, it has not been entirely wholesome in its dealings. They have some of the last logs of the Normandy." He motioned to his omnitool. "They have people working for them that are questionable in their loyalties. I was able to purchase them, in a very dishonest way of course, completely going against my beliefs. It was most difficult, but I had to know. Had I known that they had rescued and hidden you, I would have gone further." He looked at her and smiled. "As I always have where you are involved. I did send copies to your father of course. I could never deny him the knowing."

She took her hand away from her mouth and looked away from him. "Then you know. I sent him away."

"And then disappeared for two years. We all believed you were dead." She looked at him as he continued. "Had I thought you were still alive I would have been looking for you." He ran his hand through his hair a look of guilt on his face.

"You didn't have to keep track of me Trey." Shepard looked down troubled for a minute collecting her thoughts. "I had found happiness where I was."

"I don't understand, Zin, you took him to the cabin. You say you were happy. How could you leave him?"

"I didn't leave him. I had no choice in the matter." She got up and motioned for him to follow. She went over to her terminal and activated it pulling up the notes on project Lazarus, motioning for him to sit down. "I wouldn't look at the pictures, if I were you. It's right out of a Mary Shelly novel. But you will see, I had no choice." She watched as he scrolled down through the report. Trey was a very fast reader. He had heeded her words and not opened the image files.

The door opened and Garrus walked in with her tea tray.

"Garrus, you didn't have to bring that up." She went over and took it from him bringing it down stairs and putting it on the table.

"I was going through the mess when I heard Rupert asking Goldstein to bring it up and so I offered..."

"So you could check up on me." She smiled at him as she climbed back up the stairs.

"Yes. But in my defense... okay...well, I've got nothing." He smiled at her.

"It's alright, Garrus, I am fine as you can see." She stopped by the desk standing next to Trey who kept reading.

"Alright, I will see you at lunch then?" He waited for her answer.

"Yes, I believe you will." She smiled at him and made a shooing motion.

He inclined his head to her and left.

"They just walk into your cabin?" Trey looked up from the screen at her as she turned towards him.

"Only three people can get up into this cabin without being accompanied by me. Garrus is one of them. They have full access to me." She looked into his eyes. "He protects me."

"Well I'm glad someone does." He indicated the terminal. "You're right, this is right out of Frankenstein. I don't see how this is possible, Zin, but I see you and I smell your scent and I know it is you." He looked into her eyes.

"Roughly sixty percent of it anyway, with some enhancements I didn't want." She made a small motion and her barrier went up. "Like this, although I do find it useful, I didn't need it before."

"It's funny, this says your eyes were replaced. They look exactly the way I remember." He went to reach for her face but the barrier was still on.

"Don't worry it will fade in a few moments. And I believe Joker said that he has seen my eyes glow red at times. But the shell of the eyes were grown from my DNA... I think... shit, I don't know how they made them look the same." The barrier faded and he touched her cheek.

"Zin, you look the same to me, my love." She took his hand off her cheek.

"I have never been your love, Trey." She dropped his hand and went back down the stairs and he followed.

"Yes, I know and I would love to remedy that, but it appears that it will have to wait." He sat down next to her as she strained the tea.

"So why are you here?" She handed him a cup of tea after dropping two honey capsules into it.

"Ah, you remembered how I take my tea." He smiled at her. "I thought you never thought of me." She frowned at him. "Okay, why am I here?" He put his cup on the table. "Well I am here to take you back with me if I can of course." He reached for her hand, taking it and holding it in both of his. "This is a den of vipers and you need to be free of them. If your Edmond won't save you, then I will."

She laughed at him. "Trey, while I may not be completely happy with my situation, I am certainly not helpless. Anyway I can't leave. I have a mission. I may not like the way things came about, but I do have to fix this."

"Why does it always have to be you, Zin? What about what you want? Why can the rest of the universe go around and live their lives for themselves but you have to live your life for everyone else?"

She put her other hand around his hands. "Because that is the path my soul is on. If I still have one. You know as well as I do, some things cannot be avoided. This is mine. I was given the sword and the shield and I must wield them." She pulled her hands from his. "I thought I would be let free of my onus, but it appears it is not to be." She lifted her cup and sipped the tea.

"Leave them, Zin. Disavow the sword and the shield and leave with me now. Someone else will do the job. Refuse the onus, give someone else the responsibility." He got up and started pacing back and forth. "These people cannot be trusted. They will use you and they will discard you when you are no longer of valuable to them. They will try and destroy you in the process."

"Trey, thousands of people are disappearing. Hundreds of thousands. I can't walk away from that, and you know it." She watched him walk back up to her and sit down, taking both her hands in his.

"My head knows that you can't. My heart wants you to. Zin, can't you please consider your own happiness for once?"

"It is not my time to be happy, Trey." She looked at his hands holding hers. "Maybe my time has passed, I don't know." She sat up straight and looked into his eyes. "But I do know that no matter what I need to defeat the ones that are taking whole colonies. I will not sit idly by and let this abomination occur." She pulled one of her hands out of his and cupped his cheek. "When all this is over, and the Reapers are defeated." She took a deep breath. "And if my Edmond no longer wants me, maybe I will consider your offer. But Trey, I would only be willing to live with on Paxzuno because I like it there and I would feel safe there. I will never be more than a friend to you."

He reached up and covered her hand with his, he leaned into her hand and closed his eyes. "Zin, if when all this is over... if you would join me I would make you happy." He opened his eyes looking into hers. "But I am sure that your Edmond will return to you. I wish he wouldn't."

"I am not so sure he will." She pulled her hands back from him. "Two years is a long time. People change. The only problem is, I haven't. It hasn't been two years for me. It's only been weeks." She got up from the couch and strolled around the room her hands clutching her elbows. "No one seems to understand that except for the three people here that I trust. Even then it took time."

"I see, I didn't realize that... well, that it hasn't been that long. I was hoping that in the two years, that maybe you had gotten over him. I found out you were back. When he didn't contact you I thought..."

"Trey, how did you know he didn't contact me." She turned to face him her voice sharp.

"Because you didn't go to him." He looked up at her.

"You know where he is?" Her voice took on an excited quality.

"The Alliance does, so I thought that you would know. Obviously I was mistaken." He got up grabbing his pack. He reached inside and took out a few packages and put them on the couch. "Just some things I picked out for you, and more honey of course." He shoved the empty pack on his back and walked over to her. "You are not over him. I had hoped..." He touched her cheek and she closed her eyes. He took her in his arms hugging her tightly closing his eyes, pain on his face once she couldn't see it. Schooling his face to neutrality before breaking the hug he released her.

"You don't have to leave, Trey, you can stay for a while and talk about old times. I would like to know how everyone is doing." She stepped closer to him reaching for him.

"No, I can't. As you said, I am breaking a major rule of the Way of Peace being here, but I had to see you." He avoided her touch by taking a step back.

"You would think after all these years, Trey, you wouldn't still be waiting for me."

"I told you then, I will wait, or I will be alone. I have not changed how I feel. No one has been able to break the chain you have on my heart, and I am not willing to give anyone the key." He took a deep breath and looked at her as if studying her. "You will always be welcome at the camp. If you need a break, just come. I will be waiting." He turned to go.

"Trey, I told you all those years ago, and I tell you again now. Do not wait for me because I just want to be your friend. Find your Mercedes, she is out there." She grabbed her elbows watching his back as he stopped walking towards the door.

"My Mercedes is in this room, saving the universe." He turned and looked at her. "Take care of yourself, Zinny. I will keep sending the honey." She smiled at that. "I can't help but envy my rival. I hope he is worthy of your affections."

Shepard got a serious look on her face. "He is the greatest of men. He has a kind heart and a loving soul. It may be I that is unworthy."

"No, my love, that is the one thing that you are not. Come visit me, should the need to center yourself arise. No strings attached, you are always welcome."

"Can you find your way back to your shuttle alone? I'm sure Garrus is hovering around somewhere nearby."

"I can find my way back. Take care, Zin."

"Goodbye, Trey."

He turned and proceeded to the door. Turning to look at her once again before he stepped through letting it close.


End file.
